There's Nothing Wrong With Admitting It
Title: There’s Nothing Wrong with Admitting It
Author: sen_nen_no_yuki
Pairing: Yamada Ryosuke x OC
Rating: G
Genre: Romance
Notes: A sequel to There's No Way I'll Admit It from Yama-chan’s….or er…the other person’s POV. Written for worthelle
It’s hard to say that I won’t admit it because I already have. I’ve fallen for you. It sounds so girly to say this but it’s true. I started to notice you as the girl in the corner who always had her nose in a book. You were the type of person who didn’t converse with anyone. You always sat alone and studied. I had to ask one of my friends for your name and even they didn’t know. No one really paid attention to you and I don’t even know why I myself started to notice you. My friend started to become suspicious when I asked him about you. He teased me and joked around, saying that I liked you. I didn’t really know you back then, so I denied it. How would I know that I would be fighting for your attention a mere week later?
I was never a perfect student and so I guess I lost motivation to actually compete with those who at the top of our class. That didn’t stop me from trying to at least survive in class. So I wasn’t the best student…but at least I managed to keep up with what we were learning. For some reason though, I felt my focus in class slipping as I started to absentmindedly stare at you. I had figured out a lot of things about you over a short period of time. I realized there was so much more I could have known if I had started paying attention to you earlier. You were one of the top students in our class, you played the piccolo, you always had a mystery novel in your hands when you had the chance and I had learned the most important thing; your name.
I don’t know why I chose that day out of all days to finally talk to you. I was running through situation after situation through my mind and debating with my friend if it was really worth trying to converse with the labeled, ‘nerdy girl’. I really didn’t know what to say. Instead of being a complete creeper and coming up to you just randomly asking to be your friend, my friend suggested that I start by asking for a pencil and to just lie saying I had lost mine. After taking in as many deep breathes as I could without choking, I mustered up the courage to actually approach you.
I didn’t call your name in the end, after I had spent so much time trying to figure out what it was. I was too nervous and opted for tapping you on the shoulder. My palms were sweaty and I quickly wiped them on my uniform pants before reaching out towards you. I would have called your name, but the teacher was in the middle of lecturing. I knew how much you cared about your studies but apparently I “really needed that pencil”. I was right to how much you were engrossed in the lesson especially when you glared at me right after I had tapped you on the shoulder. I could feel your glare pierce me through the heart when I saw it. I was shocked that a person like you was even capable of such an intense stare. I wasn’t misjudging you, but I had been watching casually from afar for a few days already. You were also so quiet, so serene; it looked like you were off in your own peaceful world. There was something that always made me wish that I could be like that. I was an annoying person, or at least that’s what I thought about myself. I’m loud and have a shallow sense of humor.
I knew for sure that the shock on my face was clearly shown. It made me worried to think that you might have hated me immediately after we met. I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw the look on your face soften after I spat out shakily “Umm…c-can I-I-I borrow a p-p-pencil?” in the smallest voice that I didn’t even know I had. You stared at me for a few seconds before handing the pencil in your hand to me and then went searching in the pink pencil case on your desk for another writing utensil. I muttered a quick ‘thank you’ before walking back to my seat, though I don’t think you heard me because by then, you turned your attention back to the teacher at the front of the class.
I was unknowingly depressed about the fact that I probably ruined my chances of getting to know you. That day, I walked home with my close friend, unconsciously holding my head low and dragging my feet. I hadn’t realized it until he asked me what was wrong, teasingly asking if I was sad because I messed up my ‘awesome’ plan of trying to talk to you. For some reason there was a small pang in my heart that made me realize that I was probably paying more attention to you than I should have been. It was then that I concluded that I had fallen for someone I barely knew.
You wouldn’t believe how happy I was to find out that you were in the same music class as I was. To be honest, half the school year had already passed by and even though we were in the same class, I just never noticed. You sat at the front of the class and I was at the back. I could only see the backs of heads and there was no way to differentiate between anyone in the front row. There were all girls with long black, dead straight hair and since they were all wearing uniform, it was impossible to actually recognize you. What made it even harder was that you never turned your head or your body around. Your focus in class was truly amazing.
Your dedication in class showed when we had our first performance test for our music class. It was nerve wracking that I had to go perform first. My sax felt heavy around my neck and my fingers were shaking. I was a newbie unlike you who was already a pro. I had been practicing hard alone during class and whenever I got the chance to at home but there was no way that I could be great as you were. So upon taking my seat in front of the class, I looked at you once, and started to play. As I was playing, I managed to steal a look in your direction. You had a smile on your face as you watched me play and that made me happy. On top of that, my tone was clear and hadn’t made any major mistakes. All the practicing really paid off.
When it was your turn to perform, you stood in front of the class with your piccolo held carefully in one hand, but your other hand was gripping tightly to the edge of your skirt. You had a look for absolute fear on your face as your hands shook. I blinked once and when I looked at you once more, a girl with a confident posture stood before the class. You took your seat at the front and cutely crossed your ankles. Your back was straight as a board and as you raised your piccolo to your mouth I could see that your eyes had flickered into my direction. Noticing that I had been looking back, your gaze was then focused back on the sheet music on the stand before you.
Getting the cue from our teacher, you started to play. To be honest, I braced myself for the worst possible performance. I had hated the sound of the piccolo; its sharp and shrill high notes made me shiver. After a few high notes and a small quiver in my spine, the piccolo that usually caused me discomfort started to play a relaxing melody. I looked at you. The girl who looked so nervous a mere minute ago was now confident and I could see absolutely no fear in your composure.
Our teacher recommended that we should join the senior band of our school. I tried extremely hard to hide the fact that I was incredibly nervous to be standing in from of our senpais. I hide my anxiety with a smile and tried to think positively even though I could feel my knees shaking as we stood in front of our seniors. They scrutinized us thoroughly with their judging eyes, which is why I tried to keep my fears under control. They were like the animals of the jungle with their ability to sense when someone was scared. I wanted to make a good impression which was why I tried to maintain a confident visage.
I found it cute when you whined about an injury that you got recently though I always felt bad for laughing with you when you had hurt yourself. Your injuries weren’t what made me laugh though. Instead it was the small pout that always managed to make its way onto your face every time you spoke about that kind of thing. It made me happy that we started to talk more and more. I managed to learn about you and everything contradicted all that I had learned about you previously. I thought you were a quiet, mysterious character; someone who didn’t like being around people. Instead you could be pretty loud and you opened your heart easily. You hated being alone but also terribly shy in front of people you didn’t know. It explained why who were always isolated from everyone earlier that year. I was correct about the fact that you liked mystery books and dramas which served as a point for our conversations. The image that I had from before, had changed.
I was never an extremely social person which was why I only had a few friends, including you. It was nice that we started to branch off into a group of friends and I felt like I was becoming a little more talkative. I noticed that everyone in that group was like a family. They even considered themselves as a family, with fathers, mothers, sisters and brothers. You and I were like outsiders. I could tell that you always wanted to be a part of the conversation they had, but they never let you into their circle because the topics they spoke of weren’t for the ears of the innocent. You were innocent; extremely innocent. It was why I didn’t want you to be in that circle, listening to the impure thoughts of our friends. Maybe I was just using that as an excuse as to the fact that I wanted to keep you to myself. I was happy that we had talked to each other a lot and when I noticed that you had been speaking to me less and less, I was a little jealous. The thing that often shocked me was that you, the person who disliked being lonely, was trying to separate yourself from both me, and our other friends. I tried to keep you close by starting conversations or coming to poke fun at you every now and then. I tried to make up ways to see the huge smile that graced your face when you laughed. I was glad to see that you eventually came to talk to me no matter what.
I could see when your friends started to tease you about our relationship. I was hoping that you wouldn’t have denied it verbally, but from the blush that crossed your face every time they asked you if you liked anyone, I hoped that you were thinking about me. I prayed that I was the one on your mind.
We had a party with our friends a few weeks later. I insisted on picking you up from your home on the night of the party. You tried to refuse, but then our friends had overheard me asking you, and you agreed reluctantly not wanting to embarrass me in front of the group of people. As we walked along the night streets, it was cold and you had very little to protect you from the winter night breeze. I debated silently in my mind whether to offer you my scarf or my gloves, anything to prevent you from shivering, but we had already arrived to our friend’s house.
They had decided to play a game of ‘Seven Minutes in Heaven’ and from the smirks on our friends’ faces and the glances between you and me, I figured they were going to try something sneaky. I wanted to try to protect you when they lifted you up and threw you into the nearby closet. I remembered you had told me that you were mildly claustrophobic, and being in tight spaces scared you. I recalled to the time where you asked me to wait until the hallways cleared a little during the afterschool rush of people in order to avoid being squished between so many bodies. Your personal space, and comfort were important to you and I knew that. Why didn’t I try to stop them from closing you off into that small dark room?
Before I knew it, I was being pushed in the same direction as you were. I was shoved once and fell into the closet. It was dark and I could only see the outline of your petit figure from the light that seeped through the small crack under the door. I must have tripped over my own feet or something because before I could catch myself, I landed on top of you, our lips pressed together. That was the worst thing that could have ever happened. First, you were scared from the space we were in and now, I probably freaked you out even more. I leaped up immediately. I knew I was on the heavier side and I was probably squishing the tiny you. My face burned. I never expected to end up kissing you like that and I knew you were probably thinking the same thing. I apologized as quickly as I could, just to show you that it was purely an accident. I had no intentions of forcing myself onto you.
I could hear the shuffling of some coats and a quick mutter. You told me to stay away from you. You called me a pervert. I deserved that didn’t I. Your reaction was calmer than I expected. I actually thought you would have hit me or something. You sat down in the corner of the closet and hugged your knees to your chest. I could hear your breathing start to become heavier. I really wanted to comfort you in any way I could, but approaching you wasn’t a good idea; not with your claustrophobia.
We sat there in silence until the door was opened. I squinted a bit from the light that flooded into the dark room. You looked up and your face was completely red. We walked out of the closet and I moved to sit down on a nearby couch. The attention was focused completely on you. You were a better friend to all of them that I was. They knew you more thoroughly than they knew me. I wanted to yank you away from their judging eyes but that would give them more ideas. I watched as you walked over to the door and grabbed your coat off of the hanger, shoving your feet into your shoes. You stormed out of the house angrily. So furiously, that I could hear the distinct clicking your shoes while I watched you from the window.
Suddenly, all the attention shifted to me. I was bombarded by questions. “What did you do to her?” “She seems pissed…what on earth happened?” “How was it?” Instead of answering every single one of their demands I inhaled before spitting out one blunt phrase.
“Nothing happened.”
That was it. I didn’t freak out and panic. I just said what was on my mind. Okay, so maybe something did happen, but it wasn’t what they were thinking at all. Anyway, my goal was to find you. I looked back out the window and noticed that it had started to snow. I could see that the wind had gotten stronger as the branches on the trees moved with the breeze. It was already dark and the street lights only provided a small amount of light. It was too dangerous for you to be walking home alone, which was why I quickly jumped to my feet and pushed through the small crowd of people who were surrounding me. I was lucky that none of them tried to stop me because I probably wouldn’t be able to give a good excuse as to why I was leaving.
When I stepped outside, I looked down the street hoping that I was able to find that you hadn’t walked very far and that I could catch up with you. Unfortunately, you had already left more than two minutes ago and would have probably made it halfway home already especially with the speed that you walked at when you were angry. I started to jog in the direction of your home, hoping that I would be able to see your small figure from behind. Luckily, once I turned the corner, I could see you walking with your head tilted back, looking up towards the sky. I called out to you and you turned around. I was going to try to convince you to walk back to our friend’s house but after hearing just how angry you were, I decided against it.
It was quiet between us. All I could hear was the crunching of the snow beneath our feet and the distance sounds of cars driving along the night streets. I searched through my mind to try to find a topic, anything to break the deafening silence between us. I wasn’t used to this. To be honest, I wasn’t that troubled by our kiss. It was just an accident after all. Though through the look on your face and the fact that you were gnawing at your bottom lip told me that this event, that I thought was insignificant, was much more important to you. I guess it’s a girl thing especially since my sisters are always squealing over this kind of stuff and yet I really don’t care much about the kind of romances that are in the dramas that come on TV from time to time. Heck, I don’t even pay attention to half of them. I’m just forced to sit there while I beg my sisters for the remote because their dramas just happen to start exactly when my favourite program comes on.
There wasn’t much more to that night after walking you home except that when I got home, my sisters started to tease me since I came home pretty late. They kept prodding my shoulder asking “Why are you so late? Were you with a girl? Who is she? Your girlfriend?” I really didn’t feel like fighting with them that day. I ran upstairs to avoid any further questioning and immediately turned on my computer. I scrolled down my list of contacts trying to find the ever so familiar name in the online contacts list. Your name wasn’t there though. I thought to myself that you were probably tired and decided to go to sleep.
Coming out of the bath, I was walking into my room drying my hair while looking for a shirt to wear. I heard my cell phone vibrating on my table. Personally, I had always wondered why it was called “silent mode” on phones when the vibrating sound made it obvious that the phone was ringing. Anyhow, pushing those thoughts aside, I opened my phone to see that I had received a text from you. Reading through the text, I could see that you were tired because there were many mistakes in your message. I decided to text you back and you replied immediately, with more mistakes than the first time. I could tell your mind was telling you to keep texting me, but your body wouldn’t let you stay awake. I looked over at the clock on my bedside table and realized that it was already past 12 am. Instead of continuing our conversation, I told you to go to sleep. The next text I received was you complaining, telling me to go to sleep myself. “I am…good night” I wrote back, deciding it was best that we both should stop talking and get some rest. I got one last next message back that night made my heart stop. “Oyasami, daisuki dayo <3” I didn’t know what to think of that message other than the fact that you used the wrong characters again. More importantly, did you like me? There was an overruling thought in my mind that you were probably half conscious, not even knowing what you were typing. On the other hand, there was also this tiny sliver of hope that the message meant what I wanted it to mean. I spent the rest of the night lying awake in my bed thinking.
It turns out that you didn’t even remember texting me last night, which meant that you wouldn’t have remembered the last thing you said. I decided not to show you the text because it would just make things too complicated between us. They always say that friendships get awkward when love gets in the way. Plus, I didn’t even know if you really liked me or not.
I treasure our friendship because that’s the type of person I am. I don’t want to risk that at the moment because if I were to confess to you, things would get awkward. I’ve thought about it countless times though. It’s a few simple words, but there’s so much at stake. I don’t think it’s possible for me to actually go a single day without you. You help me with my studies, you talk to me when I’m depressed, you share your secrets with me and listen to mine. I don’t know how you feel about me, but I’ve already fallen head over heels for you.
A/N- UWaaa....it took me so long to finally get around to posting this...i've been busy...and uninspired lately... my dad cleaned my desk for me and now...there's NOTHING on it...maybe it'll clear up my thinking process...ato de...MOU!!! it's so hard writing from a GUY'S point of view...but then again...it always surprises me how much guys actually think through love-situations and confession scenes and stuff...
Ato De.....Random tidbit:
Morimoto Ryuutaro Desu~ LOL jks XD kore wa nee...uchi no hamu-chan desu~ namae wa...Ginger desu...mou ibiki ga iru~ kanojo no namae wa Pepper desu XD (I totally wanted to name them Ryuu and Chii but they're both girls XD)
ANYHOW Commento to hiban ga daisuki desu kara...ronpyou shite nee? (コメントと批判が大好きですから。。。論評してねぇ～) Translation: Because i like comments and critisism, please comment nee~