take a half tablet by mouth ever morning for seven days;
it's amazing that a pill that small could solve most of my problems, that 10mg a day of anything can actually change the things i've repeatedly failed to change with countless alterations of my behavior.
it's amazing how easy and seamless it all was - from the forever procrastinated call to my father to getting an appointment to the doctor assuring me that this would help with so much more than i had ever forseen. during therapy i said that if there was a pill for sensitivity i should have probably been on it since i was three. he laughed, and said, as a matter of fact, there is - that interpersonal sensitivity and tearfulness are actually also symptoms of a chemical imbalance and that medicine might be the only thing to stop my impulse to cry at the slightest thing.
if it works, even a little bit, it will be the most beautiful, unexpected relief. it might just make me make those finals behavioral changes i've been too afraid to make. it might just make me stop seeing every single day as a challenge sent to try me and my (lacking) emotional stability. it might make me a little less tired, make my immune system just a little stronger - because not even ninety minute workouts exhaust me like a half hour bawling my eyes out.
and as far as the anxiety, as far as my inability to do nothing, or to even do the recreational things i used to love - well this should make that all possible. to actually be able to get into bed and just read, not fearing that my mind will vere off to everything that illicits a somatic reaction in me, i can't even express how damn nice that would be. maybe i'd bring the colored pencils out from that closet shelf. even tapping into my latent creativity would be such a blessing to my slightly shattered self and all the lacking i've been feeling. and if i can not worry every time things don't go according to plan, well that won't only make my life easier, but i can be a little less impossible for the other people in it.
that might be the best tentative promise of them all.
it's amazing how easy and seamless it all was - from the forever procrastinated call to my father to getting an appointment to the doctor assuring me that this would help with so much more than i had ever forseen. during therapy i said that if there was a pill for sensitivity i should have probably been on it since i was three. he laughed, and said, as a matter of fact, there is - that interpersonal sensitivity and tearfulness are actually also symptoms of a chemical imbalance and that medicine might be the only thing to stop my impulse to cry at the slightest thing.
if it works, even a little bit, it will be the most beautiful, unexpected relief. it might just make me make those finals behavioral changes i've been too afraid to make. it might just make me stop seeing every single day as a challenge sent to try me and my (lacking) emotional stability. it might make me a little less tired, make my immune system just a little stronger - because not even ninety minute workouts exhaust me like a half hour bawling my eyes out.
and as far as the anxiety, as far as my inability to do nothing, or to even do the recreational things i used to love - well this should make that all possible. to actually be able to get into bed and just read, not fearing that my mind will vere off to everything that illicits a somatic reaction in me, i can't even express how damn nice that would be. maybe i'd bring the colored pencils out from that closet shelf. even tapping into my latent creativity would be such a blessing to my slightly shattered self and all the lacking i've been feeling. and if i can not worry every time things don't go according to plan, well that won't only make my life easier, but i can be a little less impossible for the other people in it.
that might be the best tentative promise of them all.