Top Ten Christmas Songs I Can't Effing Stand
As the holidays are upon us, I've recognized some of the Christmas music which is in regular rotation vis-a-vis the powers that be at Clear Channel or Hearst or whoever decides these things are regularly sticking in my craw, for various reasons. I thought I would make my list of Christmas Songs I Can't Effing Stand, because I'm witty and you people love it when I do this shit.
10. "Linus & Lucy" - Reasons: First of all, most people mistakenly call this "The Charlie Brown Theme Song". It's called "Linus & Lucy", and is present in pretty much every animated Peanuts special. Which is my reason for not effing standing this Christmas song... IT'S NOT AN EFFING CHRISTMAS SONG! Sure, it features prominently in a seminal Christmas animated special, but it isn't specifically a Christmas song, doesn't reference Christmas, and is also associated with other holidays. It's like saying that "Miserlou" is a song about drug use and hitmen just because it was prominently featured on Pulp Fiction.
9. "Let it Snow", Frank Sinatra version - Reasons: Old Blue Eyes may have been self-absorbed and nearly universally disaffected (some may call that Devil-May-Care, but they suck), but could he at least have mustered enough Give-a-Fuck for a Christmas song? Apparently not, since he calls in a backup chorus to give him a break during the refrain, during which they wax poetic about how much he would rather be sitting at Caesar's sucking back a dirty martini... after which he audible shouts "I Don't Care!". Also of particular annoyance... "Oooooo-weeeeee goes the storm..." Thanks guys. I didn't know a blizzard sounded like a chorus of bleary-eyed starfuckers.
8. "Step Into Christmas" by Elton John - Reasons: To begin with, I'm no Elton John fan. However, even though I find his songwriting style to be rambling, amelodic, bloated, and self-indulgent, I recognize that he knows precisely what he's doing and is a master at his particular art. That said, his foray into Christmas cheer is somewhat understated considering his relative state of overstatement. The thing that really bugs the High Holy Hell out of me is that retarded electronic gargling effect they superimpose over the last measure of each chorus. It sounds like someone shoved a Pac Man arcade game down Robocop's throat and kicked him in the lugnuts.
7. "All I Want for Christmas is You" by Mariah Carey - Reasons: First, the pseudo sock hop swing of this song is about as convincing as tofurkey on Thanksgiving Day. Second, the charming Ms. Carey has the stereotypical propensity for warbling along the vocal range on her meandering way towards the actual written note, and once arrived finds it impossible to simply remain there. This effect is often referred to as "diva-ing", and is typical for the R&B genre. I hate the R&B genre, as do I loathe diva-ing. It's distracting, self-serving, and removes the enjoyment of the song, transforming it into an ego-strokery for the performer. Think I'll pass.
6. "Winter Wonderland", style of Johnny Mathis - Reasons: Johnny Mathis isn't entirely human. He's likely a thetan sent by Xenu to corrupt our souls via his velvety sonorous melodies and his dead, unblinking eyes. What do I dislike about his version of this utterly enjoyable Christmas tune? He actually does fine until the bridge, when we suddenly skid sidelong into an acid-trip spill into a xylophone run absolutely dripping with reverb and he mutters his eldritch incantations into our ears like a witch-king tempting the soul out of Christmas itself. After which he abruptly dives into a chipper meth-drive "together... together..." The next offense is his vocal avalanche into a lower octave as "the little kiddies knock him dooooooooooowwwwwwwwwnnnnnnnnn..." Final offense? "Winter wonder winter wonder land. Winter winter wonder wonder land." Jesus, Johnny, save some drugs for the rest of us!
5. "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" any style - Reason: This song is the ultimate secular X-Mas Song Fakeout! At its face, it's a harmless ditty about the central non-sectarian icon of Christmas, Santa Claus. Despite his nom de plume, he is embraced as the secular embodiment of a holiday which is increasingly accepting of non-Christians worldwide. And as a non-Christian observer of a holiday which belongs to all faiths and creeds, I particularly run towards the Christmas tunes that eschew overt Christian sentimentality and Advent imagery, in favor of descriptions of human charity and goodwill. Plus, it's a fairly childish tune, aiming for the kiddos and not the buckeroos. You'd think so anyway. And you'd be wrong. Listen to the further lyrics. "Santa knows we're all God's children, that makes everything right." Oh really? It does? That solves world hunger, children dying of malnutrition and cholera, sectarian violence in central Asia, the War on Terror, the rising mistrust of government in the western world, and the worldwide recession? Oh, what was I worried about then? Later you get "Peace on Earth will come to all, if we just follow the Light, so let's give thanks to the Lord above..." So basically, if we all join the Christian religion, then war will end, so just fucking do it already! Think I'll stick with the godless masses, dude. But thanks for the huge ambush of religious dogma aimed at my three-year-old's unsophisticated thinking. That was awesome. Dick.
4. "Little Saint Nick" by the Beach Boys - Reason: Well, it's kind of hard to excuse the Beach Boys for being, well... the Beach Boys. They are what they are... simple, uncomplicated, artificial, and about as culturally deep as a puddle of piss. But good lord, son... "Christmas comes this time each year." This has to be the single most completely unnecessary lyric ever written by anyone ever. Ever. Fucking ever. Well, at least we can rest assured that the Beach Boys at the very least are aware of temporal causality.
3. "Last Christmas" by Wham! - Reason: Do I really need to give a reason on this one? The fact alone that my wife had gone her entire life thinking it was sung by a woman hints at the unspeakable ook factor written into this piece de catastrophie. But let's really dig deep down past my kneejerk homophobia and arrive at my true beef with this steaming turd... its semantics. "Last Christmas I gave you my heart, the very next day you gave it away." Every time I hear this lyric I want to scream and hurl myself out of a moving vehicle. I want to go back in time and force George Michael by brandishing a bottle of hair relaxer at him to make him sing "you threw it away". I've argued endlessly with people over this lyric, but it makes no damn sense. She (he?) threw away his love. She (he?) didn't "give" it away. Giving it away would imply some manner of sex bartering, which I have no doubt was within the realm of experience of the fair Mr. Michael at the time, but not necessarily what he was getting at with this particular song. Anyway... I seem to lack the ability to fully express this, so I'll just move on.
2. "So This is Christmas (War is Over)" by John Lennon - Reasons: I get that Christmas is a time to observe and celebrate peace. I also get that John Lennon was an acid-addled peacenik who was operating at a level next to and outside of normal human experiences. But the tone and timbre of "So This is Christmas" is one of nose-lifted scolding, condescension, and indulgent political banner-waving. I mean... "So this is Christmas?" How snide can you be? And it's the first goddamn line in the song! The rest of the lyrics continue in a circumspect tableau of reflection and the human condition, while the whole time managing to snap a ruler over your bloated American war-mongering knuckles. And it's hard to take such abuse from a man who urinates sitting down in a mu mu. Add to the neenerish tone the added enjoyment of Yoko Ono's shrill cat-like voice shrieking like a harpy over an unfortunate children's choir. "War is over.. aaaaa aaaaa aaaaaa aaaAAAAAA OH GOD MAKE IT STOP!!!"
1. "Do You Hear What I Hear?", style of Whitney Houston - Reasons: How do I even really begin with this one? Oh, let's start with the fact that she starts off skipping an entire verse. Great. What, you're paying the studio for your time at this point? You couldn't bother with the setup? Ok. Whatever, Whitney. But can you please not RE-WRITE THE LYRICS? It's "pray for peace, people everywhere" NOT "pray for peace and people everywhere". Ok, ok, that little "and" was basically a vocal pause that managed to blossom into a conjunction out of hand, and the producer probably felt like running home and rocking himself in a dark corner for a week before making her do another take. But the true crime here is the same as Mariah Carey's, only instead of pegging the Diva-meter at a 9 like Mariah did, Whitney manages to smash the needle into the gauge, shattering glass into a fine powder which she proceeds to scrape into neat white lines of Diva-licious vocal masturbation. The woman seems more interested in attempting a Schoenberg Twelve-Tone scale within the space of a half measure than to actually sing the goddamn song. And while white-knuckling the steering wheel while her vocal cords flex like Arnold Schwarzenegger's bulbous biceps, I can't help but picture her singing in the studio, mouth agape, ramming her flat palm against the clear lexan panel between the recording room and the mixing room demanding that everyone LOOK AT HER DAMMIT! SHE'S A STAR! The unbearable gravity of the woman's ego sucks all of the peace and goodwill to men out of the air with this song, stealing the Christmas spirit from all songs immediately before and after, effectively sending the ultimate human Eff You! two thousand years into the past to Baby Jesus, kicking the Little Drummer Boy out of her way as she demands the whole world worship her.
Ok, that was somewhat cathartic, but it's been several years, and it needed sayin'.
10. "Linus & Lucy" - Reasons: First of all, most people mistakenly call this "The Charlie Brown Theme Song". It's called "Linus & Lucy", and is present in pretty much every animated Peanuts special. Which is my reason for not effing standing this Christmas song... IT'S NOT AN EFFING CHRISTMAS SONG! Sure, it features prominently in a seminal Christmas animated special, but it isn't specifically a Christmas song, doesn't reference Christmas, and is also associated with other holidays. It's like saying that "Miserlou" is a song about drug use and hitmen just because it was prominently featured on Pulp Fiction.
9. "Let it Snow", Frank Sinatra version - Reasons: Old Blue Eyes may have been self-absorbed and nearly universally disaffected (some may call that Devil-May-Care, but they suck), but could he at least have mustered enough Give-a-Fuck for a Christmas song? Apparently not, since he calls in a backup chorus to give him a break during the refrain, during which they wax poetic about how much he would rather be sitting at Caesar's sucking back a dirty martini... after which he audible shouts "I Don't Care!". Also of particular annoyance... "Oooooo-weeeeee goes the storm..." Thanks guys. I didn't know a blizzard sounded like a chorus of bleary-eyed starfuckers.
8. "Step Into Christmas" by Elton John - Reasons: To begin with, I'm no Elton John fan. However, even though I find his songwriting style to be rambling, amelodic, bloated, and self-indulgent, I recognize that he knows precisely what he's doing and is a master at his particular art. That said, his foray into Christmas cheer is somewhat understated considering his relative state of overstatement. The thing that really bugs the High Holy Hell out of me is that retarded electronic gargling effect they superimpose over the last measure of each chorus. It sounds like someone shoved a Pac Man arcade game down Robocop's throat and kicked him in the lugnuts.
7. "All I Want for Christmas is You" by Mariah Carey - Reasons: First, the pseudo sock hop swing of this song is about as convincing as tofurkey on Thanksgiving Day. Second, the charming Ms. Carey has the stereotypical propensity for warbling along the vocal range on her meandering way towards the actual written note, and once arrived finds it impossible to simply remain there. This effect is often referred to as "diva-ing", and is typical for the R&B genre. I hate the R&B genre, as do I loathe diva-ing. It's distracting, self-serving, and removes the enjoyment of the song, transforming it into an ego-strokery for the performer. Think I'll pass.
6. "Winter Wonderland", style of Johnny Mathis - Reasons: Johnny Mathis isn't entirely human. He's likely a thetan sent by Xenu to corrupt our souls via his velvety sonorous melodies and his dead, unblinking eyes. What do I dislike about his version of this utterly enjoyable Christmas tune? He actually does fine until the bridge, when we suddenly skid sidelong into an acid-trip spill into a xylophone run absolutely dripping with reverb and he mutters his eldritch incantations into our ears like a witch-king tempting the soul out of Christmas itself. After which he abruptly dives into a chipper meth-drive "together... together..." The next offense is his vocal avalanche into a lower octave as "the little kiddies knock him dooooooooooowwwwwwwwwnnnnnnnnn..." Final offense? "Winter wonder winter wonder land. Winter winter wonder wonder land." Jesus, Johnny, save some drugs for the rest of us!
5. "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" any style - Reason: This song is the ultimate secular X-Mas Song Fakeout! At its face, it's a harmless ditty about the central non-sectarian icon of Christmas, Santa Claus. Despite his nom de plume, he is embraced as the secular embodiment of a holiday which is increasingly accepting of non-Christians worldwide. And as a non-Christian observer of a holiday which belongs to all faiths and creeds, I particularly run towards the Christmas tunes that eschew overt Christian sentimentality and Advent imagery, in favor of descriptions of human charity and goodwill. Plus, it's a fairly childish tune, aiming for the kiddos and not the buckeroos. You'd think so anyway. And you'd be wrong. Listen to the further lyrics. "Santa knows we're all God's children, that makes everything right." Oh really? It does? That solves world hunger, children dying of malnutrition and cholera, sectarian violence in central Asia, the War on Terror, the rising mistrust of government in the western world, and the worldwide recession? Oh, what was I worried about then? Later you get "Peace on Earth will come to all, if we just follow the Light, so let's give thanks to the Lord above..." So basically, if we all join the Christian religion, then war will end, so just fucking do it already! Think I'll stick with the godless masses, dude. But thanks for the huge ambush of religious dogma aimed at my three-year-old's unsophisticated thinking. That was awesome. Dick.
4. "Little Saint Nick" by the Beach Boys - Reason: Well, it's kind of hard to excuse the Beach Boys for being, well... the Beach Boys. They are what they are... simple, uncomplicated, artificial, and about as culturally deep as a puddle of piss. But good lord, son... "Christmas comes this time each year." This has to be the single most completely unnecessary lyric ever written by anyone ever. Ever. Fucking ever. Well, at least we can rest assured that the Beach Boys at the very least are aware of temporal causality.
3. "Last Christmas" by Wham! - Reason: Do I really need to give a reason on this one? The fact alone that my wife had gone her entire life thinking it was sung by a woman hints at the unspeakable ook factor written into this piece de catastrophie. But let's really dig deep down past my kneejerk homophobia and arrive at my true beef with this steaming turd... its semantics. "Last Christmas I gave you my heart, the very next day you gave it away." Every time I hear this lyric I want to scream and hurl myself out of a moving vehicle. I want to go back in time and force George Michael by brandishing a bottle of hair relaxer at him to make him sing "you threw it away". I've argued endlessly with people over this lyric, but it makes no damn sense. She (he?) threw away his love. She (he?) didn't "give" it away. Giving it away would imply some manner of sex bartering, which I have no doubt was within the realm of experience of the fair Mr. Michael at the time, but not necessarily what he was getting at with this particular song. Anyway... I seem to lack the ability to fully express this, so I'll just move on.
2. "So This is Christmas (War is Over)" by John Lennon - Reasons: I get that Christmas is a time to observe and celebrate peace. I also get that John Lennon was an acid-addled peacenik who was operating at a level next to and outside of normal human experiences. But the tone and timbre of "So This is Christmas" is one of nose-lifted scolding, condescension, and indulgent political banner-waving. I mean... "So this is Christmas?" How snide can you be? And it's the first goddamn line in the song! The rest of the lyrics continue in a circumspect tableau of reflection and the human condition, while the whole time managing to snap a ruler over your bloated American war-mongering knuckles. And it's hard to take such abuse from a man who urinates sitting down in a mu mu. Add to the neenerish tone the added enjoyment of Yoko Ono's shrill cat-like voice shrieking like a harpy over an unfortunate children's choir. "War is over.. aaaaa aaaaa aaaaaa aaaAAAAAA OH GOD MAKE IT STOP!!!"
1. "Do You Hear What I Hear?", style of Whitney Houston - Reasons: How do I even really begin with this one? Oh, let's start with the fact that she starts off skipping an entire verse. Great. What, you're paying the studio for your time at this point? You couldn't bother with the setup? Ok. Whatever, Whitney. But can you please not RE-WRITE THE LYRICS? It's "pray for peace, people everywhere" NOT "pray for peace and people everywhere". Ok, ok, that little "and" was basically a vocal pause that managed to blossom into a conjunction out of hand, and the producer probably felt like running home and rocking himself in a dark corner for a week before making her do another take. But the true crime here is the same as Mariah Carey's, only instead of pegging the Diva-meter at a 9 like Mariah did, Whitney manages to smash the needle into the gauge, shattering glass into a fine powder which she proceeds to scrape into neat white lines of Diva-licious vocal masturbation. The woman seems more interested in attempting a Schoenberg Twelve-Tone scale within the space of a half measure than to actually sing the goddamn song. And while white-knuckling the steering wheel while her vocal cords flex like Arnold Schwarzenegger's bulbous biceps, I can't help but picture her singing in the studio, mouth agape, ramming her flat palm against the clear lexan panel between the recording room and the mixing room demanding that everyone LOOK AT HER DAMMIT! SHE'S A STAR! The unbearable gravity of the woman's ego sucks all of the peace and goodwill to men out of the air with this song, stealing the Christmas spirit from all songs immediately before and after, effectively sending the ultimate human Eff You! two thousand years into the past to Baby Jesus, kicking the Little Drummer Boy out of her way as she demands the whole world worship her.
Ok, that was somewhat cathartic, but it's been several years, and it needed sayin'.