FIC: A New Year
A New Year
It’s finally a new year. You aren’t alone for this one, but you almost wish you were. Well, no. Not alone. Just not here, with her, pretending. You want to be with someone else, just like you think you always will. You want to be with him.
*
“Happy New Year, Remus,” Tonks says, smiling up at you. “May this year bring more cheer than we’ve ever felt.”
You smile back and say, “Let’s hope so,” even though you know it won’t. The most cheerful time of your life is long gone and you’ve since learned to look at it as a memory and nothing more. This next year and however many follow (you expect a very limited few) won’t compare to that, no matter how hard either of you try. You don’t want to think that way, but it’s hard not to when everyone you really loved has died.
She smiles brightly at you.
You wish you could love her, but you can’t. There’s too much and too little of him that you see in her and you wish you could see them as two entirely different people who have nothing to do with one another, but even that wouldn’t help because you know that it’s not the fact that they’re related that makes you love and not love her. You just can’t love anyone as much as you love that damn Sirius Black.
It’s a curse, really.
You want to move on. You know Sirius would want you to be happy. It’s not like he’s in the afterlife, jealous of whomever you have close to you. Or maybe he is jealous. He is Sirius, after all. He has never been a typical human being, and you don’t think the afterlife has changed that one bit. This makes you want him even more.
You really wish you could move on.
You sigh softly, but apparently not softly enough.
She looks concerned. She wears that expression quite often.
“Is something wrong?”
You try to smile. You hope it looks convincing. “Of course not. I’m just thinking too much again.” Sirius always used to say you thought too much. Your response, of course, was that he only thought you thought too much because he never thought at all. It never put him in a huff like you always intended. He just grinned in that stupid way that made you want to kiss him all over. He was always such a fucker.
Tonks smiles sadly and nods. She knows what you’re thinking about. She’s not a stupid girl by any means and you’re sorry she has to go through this. You don’t want to drag her along, but she insists on staying by your side. You wonder what you did to deserve such a person’s companionship.
She looks at you as though she’s going to say something of importance, but she seems to have changed her mind since she only says, “Let’s go to bed.”
You nod. You will never love her like you loved him. She knows this and you know she knows this and she knows you know she knows. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t try. She is always trying. The least you can do is be nice to her and try back.
Sirius always said you were too nice for your own good.
It’s finally a new year. You aren’t alone for this one, but you almost wish you were. Well, no. Not alone. Just not here, with her, pretending. You want to be with someone else, just like you think you always will. You want to be with him.
*
“Happy New Year, Remus,” Tonks says, smiling up at you. “May this year bring more cheer than we’ve ever felt.”
You smile back and say, “Let’s hope so,” even though you know it won’t. The most cheerful time of your life is long gone and you’ve since learned to look at it as a memory and nothing more. This next year and however many follow (you expect a very limited few) won’t compare to that, no matter how hard either of you try. You don’t want to think that way, but it’s hard not to when everyone you really loved has died.
She smiles brightly at you.
You wish you could love her, but you can’t. There’s too much and too little of him that you see in her and you wish you could see them as two entirely different people who have nothing to do with one another, but even that wouldn’t help because you know that it’s not the fact that they’re related that makes you love and not love her. You just can’t love anyone as much as you love that damn Sirius Black.
It’s a curse, really.
You want to move on. You know Sirius would want you to be happy. It’s not like he’s in the afterlife, jealous of whomever you have close to you. Or maybe he is jealous. He is Sirius, after all. He has never been a typical human being, and you don’t think the afterlife has changed that one bit. This makes you want him even more.
You really wish you could move on.
You sigh softly, but apparently not softly enough.
She looks concerned. She wears that expression quite often.
“Is something wrong?”
You try to smile. You hope it looks convincing. “Of course not. I’m just thinking too much again.” Sirius always used to say you thought too much. Your response, of course, was that he only thought you thought too much because he never thought at all. It never put him in a huff like you always intended. He just grinned in that stupid way that made you want to kiss him all over. He was always such a fucker.
Tonks smiles sadly and nods. She knows what you’re thinking about. She’s not a stupid girl by any means and you’re sorry she has to go through this. You don’t want to drag her along, but she insists on staying by your side. You wonder what you did to deserve such a person’s companionship.
She looks at you as though she’s going to say something of importance, but she seems to have changed her mind since she only says, “Let’s go to bed.”
You nod. You will never love her like you loved him. She knows this and you know she knows this and she knows you know she knows. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t try. She is always trying. The least you can do is be nice to her and try back.
Sirius always said you were too nice for your own good.