Hai
So things are pretty nice right now, I'm not working that much and I get to spend a lot of my free time with Alex. He's the best. Just, downright the best person for me, and I thank the galaxy for aligning the day we met and for how immediately I fell in love with him. I look into his eyes and I know that I would be happy to spend the rest of my life with him, taking on adventures and leading that adult life that everyone wants to have. He's the person I want to tell every piece of news to. I have not kept anything from him, at least not intentionally other than maybe my bathroom regimens... nothing important anyway.
I was waiting for him yesterday and thought about how reliable he is. He was a few minutes later than planned but there was no doubt that he was getting to me as quickly as possible.
I don't mean this to be gloating by the way, it's just nice to outline these things for myself I guess. It's nice to write them down and know that they're true.
In saying that, I had a dream about Andrew last night where he kept trying to say mean things and I finally confronted him and he broke down telling me he still loved me and I hugged him and told him that he needed to let go, because I just didn't love him anymore. I was in love with Alex now and I was happy. I don't remember what the result was, whether he finally understood or not, but it made me wake up and feel kind of sad. Like, what if he does feel that way (I hope not to flatter myself at all as he probably despises me). I just want him to understand that the things he put me through I cannot forgive him for.
I don't know, I guess it's just weird, to have someone in your life for six years and then have them not be there anymore. I don't miss him but I guess it's just a really complicated feeling. I have grown to really dislike him and I've said on more than one occasion that I actually have started to hate him, and that I can't understand why I put up with all those things he did. I guess relationships and love are both complicated when they end.
I don't think it even matters that it was him over someone else. If any friends I had lost touch with had sent me hurtful messages I think I would have taken them about as badly.
Regarding the texts that I wrote about previously, I think he's been reading my Twitter, as he apparently had heard from a mutual friend that I'd been "talking shit" about him. I asked any mutual friend we had if they'd spoken to him recently about me, and all of them seemed to know better.
And I guess I'm kind of writing this knowing that he could read it and maybe understand that it's allowed to be confusing, and that I don't want things to be heated and filled with rage all the time when I think of him but it seems like we can't figure out anything better. As I said, I can't forgive him for the things he did. He was selfish and rotten to me, and no matter how many apologies he gave me I just couldn't accept them... and I guess he can't forgive me for that. I've become pretty cold hearted in relation to his feelings.. but do you blame me?
Anyway, I'm really rambling now and I'd really rather not think about it anymore, hence my taking the time to write this down, to try and clear my conscience of this whole thing. I don't want to think about him anymore, and I don't want to be mad or upset about it anymore. I just want it to be put to rest and not have to deal with it.
---------------
In preparation for the Why? show that's coming up on Thursday, I've been listening to some of my old favourites from two years ago (holy fucking christ though seriously that was almost two years ago?) when I was fresh from a breakup with Andrew and I'd started directing my affections towards Ben. It's weird because certain parts of songs really meant something.. and now it's like a little tiny piece of collage that was discarded because it just didn't work but you think "oh yeah." Bottom line: Ben was kind of a dick at the time, and I was blinded by my desire to be with someone new to bother noticing that he wasn't really that interested, and really REALLY wasn't a kind of dude I'd ever logically see myself with (see: pre-bound).
I don't know why I'm writing about this kinda stuff. I guess it's just been a bunch of stuff that's hit me the last two days. It's just... it's amazing how much things changed in the last two years, and how it's changed in what feels like such a short amount of time.
Shit man, as I was going to start writing a bunch more shit, Why? summed up my feelings pretty perfectly:
Don't regret the done dirt, there is not life-plan set. You just swallow the cold, and follow your breath until death.
I just love Alex, and the journey in getting to him was kind of rough, but I feel like things are finally easy, finally flow from day to day with ease and a never-ending excitement.
Night all. I'm sorry if you read this.
I was waiting for him yesterday and thought about how reliable he is. He was a few minutes later than planned but there was no doubt that he was getting to me as quickly as possible.
I don't mean this to be gloating by the way, it's just nice to outline these things for myself I guess. It's nice to write them down and know that they're true.
In saying that, I had a dream about Andrew last night where he kept trying to say mean things and I finally confronted him and he broke down telling me he still loved me and I hugged him and told him that he needed to let go, because I just didn't love him anymore. I was in love with Alex now and I was happy. I don't remember what the result was, whether he finally understood or not, but it made me wake up and feel kind of sad. Like, what if he does feel that way (I hope not to flatter myself at all as he probably despises me). I just want him to understand that the things he put me through I cannot forgive him for.
I don't know, I guess it's just weird, to have someone in your life for six years and then have them not be there anymore. I don't miss him but I guess it's just a really complicated feeling. I have grown to really dislike him and I've said on more than one occasion that I actually have started to hate him, and that I can't understand why I put up with all those things he did. I guess relationships and love are both complicated when they end.
I don't think it even matters that it was him over someone else. If any friends I had lost touch with had sent me hurtful messages I think I would have taken them about as badly.
Regarding the texts that I wrote about previously, I think he's been reading my Twitter, as he apparently had heard from a mutual friend that I'd been "talking shit" about him. I asked any mutual friend we had if they'd spoken to him recently about me, and all of them seemed to know better.
And I guess I'm kind of writing this knowing that he could read it and maybe understand that it's allowed to be confusing, and that I don't want things to be heated and filled with rage all the time when I think of him but it seems like we can't figure out anything better. As I said, I can't forgive him for the things he did. He was selfish and rotten to me, and no matter how many apologies he gave me I just couldn't accept them... and I guess he can't forgive me for that. I've become pretty cold hearted in relation to his feelings.. but do you blame me?
Anyway, I'm really rambling now and I'd really rather not think about it anymore, hence my taking the time to write this down, to try and clear my conscience of this whole thing. I don't want to think about him anymore, and I don't want to be mad or upset about it anymore. I just want it to be put to rest and not have to deal with it.
---------------
In preparation for the Why? show that's coming up on Thursday, I've been listening to some of my old favourites from two years ago (holy fucking christ though seriously that was almost two years ago?) when I was fresh from a breakup with Andrew and I'd started directing my affections towards Ben. It's weird because certain parts of songs really meant something.. and now it's like a little tiny piece of collage that was discarded because it just didn't work but you think "oh yeah." Bottom line: Ben was kind of a dick at the time, and I was blinded by my desire to be with someone new to bother noticing that he wasn't really that interested, and really REALLY wasn't a kind of dude I'd ever logically see myself with (see: pre-bound).
I don't know why I'm writing about this kinda stuff. I guess it's just been a bunch of stuff that's hit me the last two days. It's just... it's amazing how much things changed in the last two years, and how it's changed in what feels like such a short amount of time.
Shit man, as I was going to start writing a bunch more shit, Why? summed up my feelings pretty perfectly:
Don't regret the done dirt, there is not life-plan set. You just swallow the cold, and follow your breath until death.
I just love Alex, and the journey in getting to him was kind of rough, but I feel like things are finally easy, finally flow from day to day with ease and a never-ending excitement.
Night all. I'm sorry if you read this.