Fic: "Xander's Candy Demon" (late entry for the old school ficathon)
Title: "Xander's Candy Demon"
Disclaimer: Joss is God, I am merely his follower.
Written for: cinder1013 for carlyinrome's Old School Btvs Ficathon.
Prompt: Angel/Xander, cocoa and an out of place holiday - and I totally cheated with the "out of place holiday" - you see a reference to a "vacation"? That's it. Also cheated on the Angel/Xander - it's more friendly than slashy. Sorry!
Rating: Teen (obscure references to sex [of the fill-in-the-blanks variety], one curse word)
Additional warnings: This is deeply silly.
Timeline: Vague and AU-ish, but season 3 pre-"The Zeppo"
Huge thanks to: Our lovely and wonderful hostess, carlyinrome for her hostessing and the beta job! (remaining mistakes and messiness are entirely my own fault)
Xander rubbed his temples disbelievingly and blurted, “And what about that? Have you done that, too?”
Angel tilted his head slightly. “Oh, that. Yeah. Of course. Also that.”
“Also what?”
“You know.” Angel motioned carelessly to the screen. “That.”
Xander's jaw dropped open and he gaped a moment before spitting out, “You mean the thing the girl's doing?”
Angel nodded, unembarrassed, and not for the first time that night, or even the last ten minutes, Xander wondered how exactly he'd come to spend his Friday night this way. Watching porn with his worst enemy.
*
It had all started a few nights ago, when Xander found an abandoned bag of perfectly decent-looking candy and figured someone else's trash was his gain. Of course, that mistake served only to piss off a particularly temperamental demon who apparently had already claimed the candy as his own. When Xander explained that he couldn't return the candy as it had already been eaten, the demon became enraged, broke Xander's leg, and declared that he would seek greater revenge later.
“God, Xander!” Buffy had acted as if her whole week was ruined because in addition to the other monster of the week terrorizing the town, she now had to find and kill this other demon before he killed Xander. And according to Giles' research, this particular species of demon was generally very peaceful until someone stole their snacks. “Didn't anyone ever to teach you not to take candy from strangers? Or, gee, I don't know, not from the side of the road?”
“Hey, it was all in sealed wrappers! And how was I supposed to know it belonged to a demon? How was I supposed to know demons even ate candy?”
“Some demons like candy,” Willow had argued. “You can never be sure.”
“That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever-”
“Really, Xander, it says as much right here.” Giles sighed, pointing at the page in front of him. “There are some demons who like modern-day sweets and junk food. If you are in an area of high demon concentration, leave unattended snacks be. It might already belong to a territorial demon, you can never be sure.”
“Oh, it does not say-”
“I'm paraphrasing.”
In the three nights since Xander's incident, Buffy, Faith, and Angel had each taken turns staying with Xander at his house. They claimed he needed bodyguards with super strength, but the rest of the gang had to focus their energies on tracking down this demon in addition to the other demon currently causing them problems - who had a thing for collecting toes.
“Oh, come on, guys. I don't need babysitters,” he'd argued.
Buffy had rolled her eyes. “Xander, really. This thing's not a vampire. He doesn't need an invitation to break into your house. If he tracks you down and you're home alone, bed-ridden, what are you going to do? Beat him with your cast?”
“But Angel?”
He'd actually had some fun earlier that evening, toying with Angel as he stood stuck on the doorstop.
Angel had eventually sighed. “If it really makes you uncomfortable, you know you can get Willow to do that spell to revoke the invitation later. But I promised Buffy I'd be here. And I promise I won't kill you tonight.” He held up his hand in his best attempt at scout's honor.
“I don't know, man. It's going to take a little more than that for me to invite a known psychopathic killer into my home. Can't you stand guard from outside?”
Angel didn’t say anything, just frowned and ran a protective hand through his hair, which was getting mussed by the wind.
Xander rolled his eyes. “You’re not concerned with my safety; you’re worried about messing your ’do! Now excuse me, you big girl, while I hobble over to the couch and take a nap, leaving your fruity undead . . . self . . . on the porch to get windblown-”
“I brought cocoa!” Angel bribed, motioning to the bag at his feet. “And Doritos.”
Xander stopped himself before he shut the door all the way. He was intrigued. “Why would you even have that stuff? You don't eat.”
Angel shrugged and smiled slightly. “Well, Buffy likes them and keeps some stocked at my place, so I thought... I thought maybe you'd like it, too. Peace offering?”
Xander raised an eyebrow slightly, and opened the door wider. “You're lucky I'm hungry and no one here's been grocery shopping in a while.” He sighed. “I grant you permission to enter, or whatever.”
After finding that Xander's dad had actually passed out on the couch during the time Xander had been delaying Angel at the door, Angel had had to help Xander up the stairs to his room, Xander leaned his head and neck as far away as possible while keeping his arm on Angel's shoulder.
Once Xander was settled on his bed, leg propped up, he ordered, “Okay, now you can go back down and make the cocoa. Mugs are above the sink, and the water can be warmed up in the microwave. Don't worry about waking my dad; he won't be budging for hours.”
“What about your mom? Where's she?”
Xander shrugged and pulled open the Doritos bag, avoiding eye contact. “She hasn't been home in a couple days.”
When Angel came back up, Xander was surprised to see he'd made two cups. “You drink it, too?”
Angel nodded. “Yeah, it's nice.” Off Xander's confused look, “It's not really... tasteless for me, like you might expect. It just doesn't taste the same as it probably tastes to you. I find it soothing.”
Xander took the first sip from his mug and flinched slightly at its heat. He rested it carefully on a pile of books, to wait until it cooled. Angel glanced at the books and raised an eyebrow curiously. “Homework?”
“Yeah. Willow's been faithfully delivering it every day since I've been on bed rest.” Xander sighed. “She's too busy with the demon-hunting to actually do it for me, like she did when Buffy was sick last year, but she's good at remembering to bring it around. And the school, and my dad, both say I have to go back on Monday. Can't fall too far behind. So I've got a fun weekend of book-learning ahead of me.”
“But you haven't been to school since the accident? That's a nice little vacation, isn't it?”
“Yeah, some vacation.” Xander snorted. “Be happy that your stay at Hotel Harris is a brief one.”
Angel nodded and searched Xander's face quietly for a moment while Xander averted his eyes and pretended not to notice. “Yeah, things aren't too great around here, are they? I've never really heard anything about your home-”
In that moment, Xander shifted his weight abruptly, trying to get more comfortable, and accidentally knocked the bag of Doritos off the bed. “Oh, shit,” he cursed, and tried to lean over to grab it.
“Hey, don't worry about it,” Angel insisted, waving a hand for Xander to stop before he hurt himself even more. “I've got it.” He bent down and lifted the bag, also grabbing at stray chips that had spread out around the floor and under the bed.
And that was how Angel found Xander's porn stash.
*
“You've really done... that.”
“Yeah.” Angel glanced over at Xander, bemused. “Wait, you haven't?”
“Yeah, that would be a big fat no.”
Angel shrugged and let his eyes wander back to the screen. “Huh. I don't know, I always kind of thought you might be the type to...”
“I'm not gay.”
“Neither am I.”
Xander's eyes bugged. “But you've- ”
“Things aren't always black and white. There are blurry lines. I've done a lot of things.” His eyes suddenly widened and he gestured at the television emphatically. “Now, this - you must have done this.”
Xander quietly sifted through the remaining crumbs in the bag of Doritos. “No, actually. I've... not done a lot of things. Or, you know, anything. Good God, why am I still talking?”
“You don't have anyone you would ordinarily confide these things in.” Angel reached over and patted Xander comfortingly on the knee. “You know, it's okay that you haven't done that sort of thing. There's no rush. You're young and you'll... you'll find someone. You just haven't found the person yet.”
Xander looked down at his knee. “You know, I'd really prefer if you wouldn't touch me while we're watching this. Especially since I've now had the image in my head of you doing... well, that.”
Angel laughed and pulled his hand away. “You pictured it?”
“Kind of hard not to.” He shivered.
“Sorry.”
“S'okay.”
They watched the screen for a while longer in silence, and then Angel looked over and noticed the very uncomfortable look on Xander's face. “You know, this is my first time watching a movie like this, and I got to tell you, the real thing... it's not like that.”
Xander looked like he was getting squeamish. “It's not?”
“No.” Angel tapped Xander gently on the shoulder, wary of the touching rule but thinking it was okay if he kept above the mid-section. “It's much, much better.”
The corners of Xander's mouth turned up slightly. “Cool.”
Angel leaned back on the bed and wore an expression that would indicate that he was very pleased with himself. “I think we've actually done some guy-bonding here tonight.”
“You tell anyone...”
*
Half an hour later, they got the call from the gang saying that they had taken care of the candy demon and the toe-guy.
And Xander slept very well that night.
Disclaimer: Joss is God, I am merely his follower.
Written for: cinder1013 for carlyinrome's Old School Btvs Ficathon.
Prompt: Angel/Xander, cocoa and an out of place holiday - and I totally cheated with the "out of place holiday" - you see a reference to a "vacation"? That's it. Also cheated on the Angel/Xander - it's more friendly than slashy. Sorry!
Rating: Teen (obscure references to sex [of the fill-in-the-blanks variety], one curse word)
Additional warnings: This is deeply silly.
Timeline: Vague and AU-ish, but season 3 pre-"The Zeppo"
Huge thanks to: Our lovely and wonderful hostess, carlyinrome for her hostessing and the beta job! (remaining mistakes and messiness are entirely my own fault)
Xander rubbed his temples disbelievingly and blurted, “And what about that? Have you done that, too?”
Angel tilted his head slightly. “Oh, that. Yeah. Of course. Also that.”
“Also what?”
“You know.” Angel motioned carelessly to the screen. “That.”
Xander's jaw dropped open and he gaped a moment before spitting out, “You mean the thing the girl's doing?”
Angel nodded, unembarrassed, and not for the first time that night, or even the last ten minutes, Xander wondered how exactly he'd come to spend his Friday night this way. Watching porn with his worst enemy.
*
It had all started a few nights ago, when Xander found an abandoned bag of perfectly decent-looking candy and figured someone else's trash was his gain. Of course, that mistake served only to piss off a particularly temperamental demon who apparently had already claimed the candy as his own. When Xander explained that he couldn't return the candy as it had already been eaten, the demon became enraged, broke Xander's leg, and declared that he would seek greater revenge later.
“God, Xander!” Buffy had acted as if her whole week was ruined because in addition to the other monster of the week terrorizing the town, she now had to find and kill this other demon before he killed Xander. And according to Giles' research, this particular species of demon was generally very peaceful until someone stole their snacks. “Didn't anyone ever to teach you not to take candy from strangers? Or, gee, I don't know, not from the side of the road?”
“Hey, it was all in sealed wrappers! And how was I supposed to know it belonged to a demon? How was I supposed to know demons even ate candy?”
“Some demons like candy,” Willow had argued. “You can never be sure.”
“That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever-”
“Really, Xander, it says as much right here.” Giles sighed, pointing at the page in front of him. “There are some demons who like modern-day sweets and junk food. If you are in an area of high demon concentration, leave unattended snacks be. It might already belong to a territorial demon, you can never be sure.”
“Oh, it does not say-”
“I'm paraphrasing.”
In the three nights since Xander's incident, Buffy, Faith, and Angel had each taken turns staying with Xander at his house. They claimed he needed bodyguards with super strength, but the rest of the gang had to focus their energies on tracking down this demon in addition to the other demon currently causing them problems - who had a thing for collecting toes.
“Oh, come on, guys. I don't need babysitters,” he'd argued.
Buffy had rolled her eyes. “Xander, really. This thing's not a vampire. He doesn't need an invitation to break into your house. If he tracks you down and you're home alone, bed-ridden, what are you going to do? Beat him with your cast?”
“But Angel?”
He'd actually had some fun earlier that evening, toying with Angel as he stood stuck on the doorstop.
Angel had eventually sighed. “If it really makes you uncomfortable, you know you can get Willow to do that spell to revoke the invitation later. But I promised Buffy I'd be here. And I promise I won't kill you tonight.” He held up his hand in his best attempt at scout's honor.
“I don't know, man. It's going to take a little more than that for me to invite a known psychopathic killer into my home. Can't you stand guard from outside?”
Angel didn’t say anything, just frowned and ran a protective hand through his hair, which was getting mussed by the wind.
Xander rolled his eyes. “You’re not concerned with my safety; you’re worried about messing your ’do! Now excuse me, you big girl, while I hobble over to the couch and take a nap, leaving your fruity undead . . . self . . . on the porch to get windblown-”
“I brought cocoa!” Angel bribed, motioning to the bag at his feet. “And Doritos.”
Xander stopped himself before he shut the door all the way. He was intrigued. “Why would you even have that stuff? You don't eat.”
Angel shrugged and smiled slightly. “Well, Buffy likes them and keeps some stocked at my place, so I thought... I thought maybe you'd like it, too. Peace offering?”
Xander raised an eyebrow slightly, and opened the door wider. “You're lucky I'm hungry and no one here's been grocery shopping in a while.” He sighed. “I grant you permission to enter, or whatever.”
After finding that Xander's dad had actually passed out on the couch during the time Xander had been delaying Angel at the door, Angel had had to help Xander up the stairs to his room, Xander leaned his head and neck as far away as possible while keeping his arm on Angel's shoulder.
Once Xander was settled on his bed, leg propped up, he ordered, “Okay, now you can go back down and make the cocoa. Mugs are above the sink, and the water can be warmed up in the microwave. Don't worry about waking my dad; he won't be budging for hours.”
“What about your mom? Where's she?”
Xander shrugged and pulled open the Doritos bag, avoiding eye contact. “She hasn't been home in a couple days.”
When Angel came back up, Xander was surprised to see he'd made two cups. “You drink it, too?”
Angel nodded. “Yeah, it's nice.” Off Xander's confused look, “It's not really... tasteless for me, like you might expect. It just doesn't taste the same as it probably tastes to you. I find it soothing.”
Xander took the first sip from his mug and flinched slightly at its heat. He rested it carefully on a pile of books, to wait until it cooled. Angel glanced at the books and raised an eyebrow curiously. “Homework?”
“Yeah. Willow's been faithfully delivering it every day since I've been on bed rest.” Xander sighed. “She's too busy with the demon-hunting to actually do it for me, like she did when Buffy was sick last year, but she's good at remembering to bring it around. And the school, and my dad, both say I have to go back on Monday. Can't fall too far behind. So I've got a fun weekend of book-learning ahead of me.”
“But you haven't been to school since the accident? That's a nice little vacation, isn't it?”
“Yeah, some vacation.” Xander snorted. “Be happy that your stay at Hotel Harris is a brief one.”
Angel nodded and searched Xander's face quietly for a moment while Xander averted his eyes and pretended not to notice. “Yeah, things aren't too great around here, are they? I've never really heard anything about your home-”
In that moment, Xander shifted his weight abruptly, trying to get more comfortable, and accidentally knocked the bag of Doritos off the bed. “Oh, shit,” he cursed, and tried to lean over to grab it.
“Hey, don't worry about it,” Angel insisted, waving a hand for Xander to stop before he hurt himself even more. “I've got it.” He bent down and lifted the bag, also grabbing at stray chips that had spread out around the floor and under the bed.
And that was how Angel found Xander's porn stash.
*
“You've really done... that.”
“Yeah.” Angel glanced over at Xander, bemused. “Wait, you haven't?”
“Yeah, that would be a big fat no.”
Angel shrugged and let his eyes wander back to the screen. “Huh. I don't know, I always kind of thought you might be the type to...”
“I'm not gay.”
“Neither am I.”
Xander's eyes bugged. “But you've- ”
“Things aren't always black and white. There are blurry lines. I've done a lot of things.” His eyes suddenly widened and he gestured at the television emphatically. “Now, this - you must have done this.”
Xander quietly sifted through the remaining crumbs in the bag of Doritos. “No, actually. I've... not done a lot of things. Or, you know, anything. Good God, why am I still talking?”
“You don't have anyone you would ordinarily confide these things in.” Angel reached over and patted Xander comfortingly on the knee. “You know, it's okay that you haven't done that sort of thing. There's no rush. You're young and you'll... you'll find someone. You just haven't found the person yet.”
Xander looked down at his knee. “You know, I'd really prefer if you wouldn't touch me while we're watching this. Especially since I've now had the image in my head of you doing... well, that.”
Angel laughed and pulled his hand away. “You pictured it?”
“Kind of hard not to.” He shivered.
“Sorry.”
“S'okay.”
They watched the screen for a while longer in silence, and then Angel looked over and noticed the very uncomfortable look on Xander's face. “You know, this is my first time watching a movie like this, and I got to tell you, the real thing... it's not like that.”
Xander looked like he was getting squeamish. “It's not?”
“No.” Angel tapped Xander gently on the shoulder, wary of the touching rule but thinking it was okay if he kept above the mid-section. “It's much, much better.”
The corners of Xander's mouth turned up slightly. “Cool.”
Angel leaned back on the bed and wore an expression that would indicate that he was very pleased with himself. “I think we've actually done some guy-bonding here tonight.”
“You tell anyone...”
*
Half an hour later, they got the call from the gang saying that they had taken care of the candy demon and the toe-guy.
And Xander slept very well that night.