Tis first lundi of 2011
Well, yet again, I'm embracing documentation and thinking maybe if I make a list of variable to correlate with names I could write in this ancient journal every day of our new year to share with my future self the trials and truths of my quest. Nevertheless, it begins now: now is the time! I hope to write weekly (if not more) of the thoughts i both love yet deplore so, to begin, a note a wrote to you or no one, I still don't know...
It’s too oft a plague to say I have something to say. All the
butterflies’ wings constantly hatching from thematic cocoons of me
ensue filtration of truth. So, I wonder what of all these infinite
thoughts could and should I share with you? Maybe if I begin typing I
will begin being the knowledge I pursue. That is simply the life of
self. Singular solitude is the righteous path of ONE. This life is
begun alone and will end alone and this is all we will ever know. We
know not to be confused by love for feverous passion or “desire”. Yes,
the one chapter you know not the content must illuminate truth for
you. Listen clearer than you’ve been to me when I say, as I’ve said, I
am not ready. I am not ready for a life for you or us as I’ve barely
begun to see me. Please respect the truth I’ve bestowed upon you to
briefly empathize with my egotistical sadness. I feel my honesty lead
you on which leads me to guilt but what could be so wrong? Is it so
wrong to allow openness with knowledge and perceive the river will go
with the natural flow or must I barricade my thought set to action
like a dam to the current. What rock of yours is set as stone in this
river’s flow that my current could possibly let go. You are not stuck
your self but stuck in love and it is not hate or delay that shall
help you know. No, only I can say that you must realize you’ve
forsaken our good fortune to seek approval by uniting yourself to some
archaic anchor to which you are no king but simply a jester playing
games. I forgive your magician for thinking my promotion is from
princess to queen rather than assistant to Lewinsky (i?). Yet again,
forgive my reference. And forgive my referring to all the true things
I thought to share with you, including my lack of father figure, my
distance to physical expression, my necessity to build walls from such
possible meetings. Like two explorers in a labyrinth our life paths
intersect and you ask me to help you as you’ve so helped me (and thank
you) but giving you an answer; like, “yes” or the “key” is only an
easy out for you and me. Must we ruin what we are for what we could
be? No, would say, I or even Tolle. You know all you know, old man,
what could you possibly see in me? Let my self-critical dismissal of
integrity have a voice now to say, I am only a girl unsure in this
world of male superiority. Too scared am I of truth to even tell you
my disinterest lies not in you, your age, your life or your insistence
but your misunderstanding. How do I say something so simple yet so
possibly cruel when I don’t know what happened to me but I sense your
incompetence in comprehension? I suppose it would only reciprocate or
reflect my own lack of comprehension on the subject. All I know is
every man I know preconsumes himself with idea of “being” something
more than what “we” may “be”. Either women hide this better thus
allowing the natural relationship to fruition or women, and I feel
myself, allow distance from physicality enough to dive deeper than
this shallow, sexual surface. Is it, you think pierce by the rod is
deepest our humane affections may go? If so, I hope you know this is
merely a swimmer’s dive rather than Cousteau’s discovery as to how
deep we may really be able to go. Deeper yet is the interconnected web
or emotion, intellect, compassion and productivity. So quick side not,
I share with you a deepest honesty and fear of not only man’s love but
this world’s obsession with “touch” and you respond upon selfish
contemplation that “touch” is all we’re missing? Please, I am not
ready for such a rude facing of fear. Or more importantly, can you see
how easily you’ve disregarded my personal wellbeing? And regarding
society, it is you not I that so quickly recognize the semi-permanence
of function. Still, you believe there is no purpose so may be that is
how you so quickly disregard your with-standing family to suggest a
child with me. I am not gay only to recognize my biological
(emotionally irrelevant) need to produce (positively, genetically - as
you suggest, a genius). I seek stability and man insists that such is
he. Still, all you men hold this strong desire to be with me, provide
for me and in exchange expect what, sex? So to expect is in your genes
but that is not what I want for me. If it is selfish to say no, I’m
sorry. I must live this life for me as there is still too much I do
not know, thus no nothing else for which I must live. There is so much
more to say but forgive my unavoidable lengthiness on ambiguously
saying the crucial thoughts racing by…
It’s too oft a plague to say I have something to say. All the
butterflies’ wings constantly hatching from thematic cocoons of me
ensue filtration of truth. So, I wonder what of all these infinite
thoughts could and should I share with you? Maybe if I begin typing I
will begin being the knowledge I pursue. That is simply the life of
self. Singular solitude is the righteous path of ONE. This life is
begun alone and will end alone and this is all we will ever know. We
know not to be confused by love for feverous passion or “desire”. Yes,
the one chapter you know not the content must illuminate truth for
you. Listen clearer than you’ve been to me when I say, as I’ve said, I
am not ready. I am not ready for a life for you or us as I’ve barely
begun to see me. Please respect the truth I’ve bestowed upon you to
briefly empathize with my egotistical sadness. I feel my honesty lead
you on which leads me to guilt but what could be so wrong? Is it so
wrong to allow openness with knowledge and perceive the river will go
with the natural flow or must I barricade my thought set to action
like a dam to the current. What rock of yours is set as stone in this
river’s flow that my current could possibly let go. You are not stuck
your self but stuck in love and it is not hate or delay that shall
help you know. No, only I can say that you must realize you’ve
forsaken our good fortune to seek approval by uniting yourself to some
archaic anchor to which you are no king but simply a jester playing
games. I forgive your magician for thinking my promotion is from
princess to queen rather than assistant to Lewinsky (i?). Yet again,
forgive my reference. And forgive my referring to all the true things
I thought to share with you, including my lack of father figure, my
distance to physical expression, my necessity to build walls from such
possible meetings. Like two explorers in a labyrinth our life paths
intersect and you ask me to help you as you’ve so helped me (and thank
you) but giving you an answer; like, “yes” or the “key” is only an
easy out for you and me. Must we ruin what we are for what we could
be? No, would say, I or even Tolle. You know all you know, old man,
what could you possibly see in me? Let my self-critical dismissal of
integrity have a voice now to say, I am only a girl unsure in this
world of male superiority. Too scared am I of truth to even tell you
my disinterest lies not in you, your age, your life or your insistence
but your misunderstanding. How do I say something so simple yet so
possibly cruel when I don’t know what happened to me but I sense your
incompetence in comprehension? I suppose it would only reciprocate or
reflect my own lack of comprehension on the subject. All I know is
every man I know preconsumes himself with idea of “being” something
more than what “we” may “be”. Either women hide this better thus
allowing the natural relationship to fruition or women, and I feel
myself, allow distance from physicality enough to dive deeper than
this shallow, sexual surface. Is it, you think pierce by the rod is
deepest our humane affections may go? If so, I hope you know this is
merely a swimmer’s dive rather than Cousteau’s discovery as to how
deep we may really be able to go. Deeper yet is the interconnected web
or emotion, intellect, compassion and productivity. So quick side not,
I share with you a deepest honesty and fear of not only man’s love but
this world’s obsession with “touch” and you respond upon selfish
contemplation that “touch” is all we’re missing? Please, I am not
ready for such a rude facing of fear. Or more importantly, can you see
how easily you’ve disregarded my personal wellbeing? And regarding
society, it is you not I that so quickly recognize the semi-permanence
of function. Still, you believe there is no purpose so may be that is
how you so quickly disregard your with-standing family to suggest a
child with me. I am not gay only to recognize my biological
(emotionally irrelevant) need to produce (positively, genetically - as
you suggest, a genius). I seek stability and man insists that such is
he. Still, all you men hold this strong desire to be with me, provide
for me and in exchange expect what, sex? So to expect is in your genes
but that is not what I want for me. If it is selfish to say no, I’m
sorry. I must live this life for me as there is still too much I do
not know, thus no nothing else for which I must live. There is so much
more to say but forgive my unavoidable lengthiness on ambiguously
saying the crucial thoughts racing by…