I need a sign, let me know you're here...
I feel like shit tonight.
Christmas is bothering me more than it usually does. I hung a string of lights in my window over the weekend and had to resist the urge to tear it down again last night. Looking at them in the darkness of my bedroom reminded me of doing the same thing five years ago ... ten years ago ... of funerals and misery and the terrible sadness that completely blotted out the holidays for so long. I tried listening to some nice mellow Xmas music, but it just ain't helping. I had to put it all away.
Tonight after my walk (during which I only managed 2 miles because of a headache I couldn't get rid of) we got all of our Christmas boxes down from the rafters, and I have not touched a single one. I'm not even tempted to open them up. Which is very weird. It took me a long time to reach a point where I could truly enjoy the holidays again, but I DID reach it. So I don't know what's brought this on, other than (obviously) the memories.
Still, I didn't have this problem last year, or even the year before. So I don't know what the hell is going on with me tonight/today/this weekend. I can't even blame it on PMS.
I got a call from my boss just before 7am (an hour before my alarm) asking if I could sub for the cashier at breakfast, which I've been training to do. On any other morning I probably would have done it, even though I really don't like handling other people's money and I'm still learning the computer system and frankly the whole thing makes me nervous. That being said, breakfast is fairly quick and nowhere near as intimidating as lunch. Still, THIS morning, after the night I had? There was just no way. So I called her back at 7:30 with a convenient excuse: I had to watch my niece and nephew at 8:15 while Cindy took the baby to his very first dr.'s appointment. Which was TRUE, btw ... just an hour later than I told my boss.
::sigh::
I'm so conflicted about this, because, at this point in my recovery, I feel like I need to be pushing myself to do and try new things. And usually, I do. Even if whatever I'm trying doesn't work out, the fact that I TRIED is enough to make me feel that it was worth it. Sometimes that's the main reason I try at all - I don't want to have to live with the guilt and mental brow-beating I'll give myself if I don't. And you know, usually, things work out. Eventually. But this time around, it was just too much. I was not in a good frame of mind this morning.
And I think - I'm telling myself - that it was okay to back off. Even though I heard later that breakfast was INSANE (which sent me on a nice little guilt trip, thank you very much), I have also learned that I have good days and I have bad days, and sometimes I need to give the bad days the respect they deserve. In other words, I am so much more aware of my limits than I was before, of what's good for me and what's not (and when), and it's really important that I pay attention to that. This is the first "major" thing I've backed out of in a long time. I have to be due a little leeway, right?
Then I was at my sister's before work, waiting for the kids to wake up, and because I cannot STAND morning television - I would rather poke my eyes out with steaming hot pokers than subject myself to Regis & Kelly or Good Morning L.A. or (god forbid) the Today Show - I switched over to Sirius as soon as Cindy was out the door. They have a Holiday station this year (guess I didn't notice it before) and I left it playing in the background while I mindlessly surfed the Net. Have you ever noticed how SAD so many Christmas songs are? Jesus Christ, it was downright depressing. And it wasn't just because of my crappy mood, either. When Cameron woke up I didn't really mind finding him a nice “Go Diego, Go!” episode with Spanish-speaking penguins.
Anyway. I've been trying to write on Shadow Moon, and I have been making progress, but I already know that tonight is not a good night for creative thinking. There's just been too much going on, too much to think about, these past few months. I'm sure all of that plays a factor in my current problem (if I could stop thinking for a while, I'd probably be in good shape). What I need is for someone else to write (or update (::hint hint:: ::cough cough:: ::bats eyes::) an SUQ fic so that I can get my own out of my head for a while.
I'm yearning for the 9th of December, when Christmas vacation starts. I so very badly need a break. Despite the pain come payday, a month's vacation sounds just about right. Tooooo much going on right now, too much to think about. I feel faintly frantic. Time for bed, I think.
(and sis, don't worry. I'm just venting. ;-)
Christmas is bothering me more than it usually does. I hung a string of lights in my window over the weekend and had to resist the urge to tear it down again last night. Looking at them in the darkness of my bedroom reminded me of doing the same thing five years ago ... ten years ago ... of funerals and misery and the terrible sadness that completely blotted out the holidays for so long. I tried listening to some nice mellow Xmas music, but it just ain't helping. I had to put it all away.
Tonight after my walk (during which I only managed 2 miles because of a headache I couldn't get rid of) we got all of our Christmas boxes down from the rafters, and I have not touched a single one. I'm not even tempted to open them up. Which is very weird. It took me a long time to reach a point where I could truly enjoy the holidays again, but I DID reach it. So I don't know what's brought this on, other than (obviously) the memories.
Still, I didn't have this problem last year, or even the year before. So I don't know what the hell is going on with me tonight/today/this weekend. I can't even blame it on PMS.
I got a call from my boss just before 7am (an hour before my alarm) asking if I could sub for the cashier at breakfast, which I've been training to do. On any other morning I probably would have done it, even though I really don't like handling other people's money and I'm still learning the computer system and frankly the whole thing makes me nervous. That being said, breakfast is fairly quick and nowhere near as intimidating as lunch. Still, THIS morning, after the night I had? There was just no way. So I called her back at 7:30 with a convenient excuse: I had to watch my niece and nephew at 8:15 while Cindy took the baby to his very first dr.'s appointment. Which was TRUE, btw ... just an hour later than I told my boss.
::sigh::
I'm so conflicted about this, because, at this point in my recovery, I feel like I need to be pushing myself to do and try new things. And usually, I do. Even if whatever I'm trying doesn't work out, the fact that I TRIED is enough to make me feel that it was worth it. Sometimes that's the main reason I try at all - I don't want to have to live with the guilt and mental brow-beating I'll give myself if I don't. And you know, usually, things work out. Eventually. But this time around, it was just too much. I was not in a good frame of mind this morning.
And I think - I'm telling myself - that it was okay to back off. Even though I heard later that breakfast was INSANE (which sent me on a nice little guilt trip, thank you very much), I have also learned that I have good days and I have bad days, and sometimes I need to give the bad days the respect they deserve. In other words, I am so much more aware of my limits than I was before, of what's good for me and what's not (and when), and it's really important that I pay attention to that. This is the first "major" thing I've backed out of in a long time. I have to be due a little leeway, right?
Then I was at my sister's before work, waiting for the kids to wake up, and because I cannot STAND morning television - I would rather poke my eyes out with steaming hot pokers than subject myself to Regis & Kelly or Good Morning L.A. or (god forbid) the Today Show - I switched over to Sirius as soon as Cindy was out the door. They have a Holiday station this year (guess I didn't notice it before) and I left it playing in the background while I mindlessly surfed the Net. Have you ever noticed how SAD so many Christmas songs are? Jesus Christ, it was downright depressing. And it wasn't just because of my crappy mood, either. When Cameron woke up I didn't really mind finding him a nice “Go Diego, Go!” episode with Spanish-speaking penguins.
Anyway. I've been trying to write on Shadow Moon, and I have been making progress, but I already know that tonight is not a good night for creative thinking. There's just been too much going on, too much to think about, these past few months. I'm sure all of that plays a factor in my current problem (if I could stop thinking for a while, I'd probably be in good shape). What I need is for someone else to write (or update (::hint hint:: ::cough cough:: ::bats eyes::) an SUQ fic so that I can get my own out of my head for a while.
I'm yearning for the 9th of December, when Christmas vacation starts. I so very badly need a break. Despite the pain come payday, a month's vacation sounds just about right. Tooooo much going on right now, too much to think about. I feel faintly frantic. Time for bed, I think.
(and sis, don't worry. I'm just venting. ;-)