100 Fic Challenge: Fortitude
Prompt Number: 20
Author: selvanic
Series: Pandora Hearts
Word Count: 581
Characters/Pairings: Gilbert; mentions of most everyone else
Rating: G; maybe PG if you don't like epic amounts of angst
Summary: I thought I had the strength to overcome most anything now...I didn't understand just what 'anything' could be.
After ten years, after enduring as much as I had, I'd thought I'd finally figured it out. I thought I'd finally gotten myself mastered. I thought I'd finally outgrown the meek child I used to be - bullied by all and respected by few - and become a man worthy of the master I was fighting so hard to save. Hell, I'd convinced myself that I'd grown enough to handle Break, that I'd learned enough to maybe earn some grudging respect from him. That really should have been my first hint...
When Oz returned from the Abyss, I tried my damnedest to be better for him. I tried to be stronger. I'd been sure I was. I thought I had him fooled. I...really should have known better. Nothing had ever gone unnoticed by those brilliant green eyes for long. Like Break had when I was young, Oz stared right through me and broke me down all over again. Before I knew it, I was submitted to his torture all over again, on top of which his latest acquisition - the ravenous rabbit - seemed to want to partake. As if Break hadn't filled that hole in his life well enough...
Regardless, I tried to hold my own. I could fight now. I'd learned to fire a gun. I wanted to protect Oz where I'd failed to nearly a decade ago. I wanted to show everyone at Pandora that I wasn't useless, that certain people could say whatever they wanted, but I could do something. And while there were inevitable ups and downs, while all of us were faced with challenges that seemed impossible to overcome, we managed to find a way. Be it on our own, or by holding tightly to one another's strength, we found a way to come out generally unscathed. I thought things were finally paying off. I thought things were finally...getting close to looking up.
No doubt Break would say I was being 'adorably naïve' and laugh that frustratingly bitter laugh.
I really have to learn to listen to him more...I have to learn to accept that, as cynical as he can be, he has every right to be. I've even convinced myself to ignore some of Oz's darker moments, in hopes that they're simply passing lapses into unfamiliar behavior. Just goes to show how little I've really grown...
But I fought to hold onto my delusions. As I refused to believe Elliot could be guilty, as I forced Break back to his feet, as I continued to believe in my brother and thought I could protect Oz from it all, I refused to think anything was lost. I refused to think we could lose. Something would happen, anything, and we'd pull through like we always did.
I could never have imagined just how wrong I'd be.
We lost it all. Reim was badly injured, Break in similar condition and worsening. My brother...no...Vincent, was gone and nowhere to be found. Oz and Alice were shaken to the core, broken and terrified. The stone had been broken and the Baskervilles had escaped. And Elliot...was gone. Everything I'd fought for, everything I'd believed in, had fallen down around my ears, slipping through my fingers and leaving me standing amidst the wreckage.
I was never strong. I was never courageous. I was never independent. And for all that I've tried to learn, for all that I thought I had, it seems I'm still incapable of being any of those things...
Author: selvanic
Series: Pandora Hearts
Word Count: 581
Characters/Pairings: Gilbert; mentions of most everyone else
Rating: G; maybe PG if you don't like epic amounts of angst
Summary: I thought I had the strength to overcome most anything now...I didn't understand just what 'anything' could be.
After ten years, after enduring as much as I had, I'd thought I'd finally figured it out. I thought I'd finally gotten myself mastered. I thought I'd finally outgrown the meek child I used to be - bullied by all and respected by few - and become a man worthy of the master I was fighting so hard to save. Hell, I'd convinced myself that I'd grown enough to handle Break, that I'd learned enough to maybe earn some grudging respect from him. That really should have been my first hint...
When Oz returned from the Abyss, I tried my damnedest to be better for him. I tried to be stronger. I'd been sure I was. I thought I had him fooled. I...really should have known better. Nothing had ever gone unnoticed by those brilliant green eyes for long. Like Break had when I was young, Oz stared right through me and broke me down all over again. Before I knew it, I was submitted to his torture all over again, on top of which his latest acquisition - the ravenous rabbit - seemed to want to partake. As if Break hadn't filled that hole in his life well enough...
Regardless, I tried to hold my own. I could fight now. I'd learned to fire a gun. I wanted to protect Oz where I'd failed to nearly a decade ago. I wanted to show everyone at Pandora that I wasn't useless, that certain people could say whatever they wanted, but I could do something. And while there were inevitable ups and downs, while all of us were faced with challenges that seemed impossible to overcome, we managed to find a way. Be it on our own, or by holding tightly to one another's strength, we found a way to come out generally unscathed. I thought things were finally paying off. I thought things were finally...getting close to looking up.
No doubt Break would say I was being 'adorably naïve' and laugh that frustratingly bitter laugh.
I really have to learn to listen to him more...I have to learn to accept that, as cynical as he can be, he has every right to be. I've even convinced myself to ignore some of Oz's darker moments, in hopes that they're simply passing lapses into unfamiliar behavior. Just goes to show how little I've really grown...
But I fought to hold onto my delusions. As I refused to believe Elliot could be guilty, as I forced Break back to his feet, as I continued to believe in my brother and thought I could protect Oz from it all, I refused to think anything was lost. I refused to think we could lose. Something would happen, anything, and we'd pull through like we always did.
I could never have imagined just how wrong I'd be.
We lost it all. Reim was badly injured, Break in similar condition and worsening. My brother...no...Vincent, was gone and nowhere to be found. Oz and Alice were shaken to the core, broken and terrified. The stone had been broken and the Baskervilles had escaped. And Elliot...was gone. Everything I'd fought for, everything I'd believed in, had fallen down around my ears, slipping through my fingers and leaving me standing amidst the wreckage.
I was never strong. I was never courageous. I was never independent. And for all that I've tried to learn, for all that I thought I had, it seems I'm still incapable of being any of those things...