#6: tell me (is this not love)
From: clubchicken
Title: tell me (is this not love)
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 6,800 words
Summary: Maybe Sehun doesn’t know what love is. But he can’t help but think that whatever that word means can be found in the way Luhan’s eyes wrinkle when he smiles or the soft sound of his voice when he laughs.
Tell me why everytime I find someone that I like,
We always end up just being friends
- 98 Degrees, Why Are We Still Friends
Sehun is thirteen and he was much too young to understand the concept of love.
Each grade in the island’s only public school only consisted of one class, so Sehun had been placed among thirty other first years during middle school. He stuck out like a sore thumb during his first day at class given that he had been from Seoul and was dressed in his best branded clothes and a new pair of new white Converses his father had given him before migrating to the States. So he, along with his mother and brother had to move back to their hometown since they’d have to vacate the company housing not long after his father had settled things at his former workplace.
The pair was a number of sizes larger than his feet and they’d look ridiculous on him but Sehun liked wearing it just because it’s from his father. His brother wanted to fight him for it but then he decided against it when he wore the shoes and they didn’t fit his large feet at all.
Luhan, his next-door neighbor, has written over the side of the sneakers with a black marker. Se Han, it wrote. He did it just to spite Sehun that one time he made fun of how Luhan can speak rapid Chinese yet speaks Korean at a snail’s pace. (“I’m sorry, Sehun-ah. That isn’t how you’re name is supposed to be spelled? I guess my Korean is bad.”)
He’s with Luhan right now and they’re sitting by the wooden patio in front of Luhan’s house while sipping on chocolate milk boxes.
“Hyung, I don’t understand. I swear she was in love with me and yet when I confessed she said she only wanted to be friends and that she liked Jongin.” Sehun kicks at the dirt. He’s acting too much like a kid but he tends to do that to people not of his age.
“You don’t know what love is, Sehun-ah. You’re a kid.” Luhan laughs at his outburst while patting his chin. Sehun makes no effort to swat it away since protesting would be futile (and he’s much too busy ranting about in what he once thought was his first heartbreak). Luhan is a full four years older than him. He isn’t Korean but he’s lived with his grandmother in the island since his elementary years. Sometimes it annoys Sehun how he treats Sehun like a kid but he likes being in Luhan’s presence too much so he sucks it up.
“But I asked around and they all said Soojung had a crush on me! I even heard her this one time I passed by the girl’s bathroom. She told our classmates she had a crush on me so I started talking to her so we’d be close but then when I confessed she rejected me? It doesn’t make sense.” Sehun continues to whine. He’s already drinked up the rest of the chocolate milk but even then he slurps at it noisily until Luhan offers his own half-empty one and Sehun doesn’t even consider to think twice before snatching it from his fingers.
Sehun puts the straw in between his lips and his immature little mind thinks, indirect kiss. He can’t help but feel giddy at the thought before he shoots it down. It probably isn’t right, to think or feel this way. A boy cannot like another boy as far as he’s been told. But Luhan seems to be an exception. It’s just a phase that will pass by, he presumes. It’s almost similar to what he felt with Soojung only Luhan doesn’t have long black hair or wears lip gloss.
“Yah, what were you doing by the girl’s bathroom?” Luhan hits his head playfully and Sehun laughs. “You’re still young, Sehun-ah. What do you even know about love?”
Sehun is thirteen and maybe he doesn’t know what love is. But he can’t help but think that whatever that word means can be found in the way Luhan’s eyes wrinkle when he smiles or the soft sound of his voice when he laughs.
***
Sehun is fourteen and he set aside his oversized pair of sneakers for a new pair that actually fit him. His father had sent a package to them filled with superficial goods that’s supposed to replace his presence.
Life is better here, Sehun. One day, you’ll be living here in America too, he had written to him along with a new pair of Adidas kicks. Sehun wasn’t particularly excited and it’s then that he realizes that his father won’t be coming back to visit anytime soon. His ambition was much too big to be tied down to a family with two kids and Sehun can tell his mother and brother had the same mindset too.
Sehun doesn’t have the same sentiments. He’s honestly content with his white Converses but he wears the Adidas ones to school just because he doesn’t want them to go to waste. He’s grown an attachment with his oversized Converses that has become a shade dirtier than white as it had been the year before. He still wears it when he isn’t at school. Just because it’s a remnant of his father and also because he realized that the two blocks of hanggul written on the side of his sneaker is a combination of his name and Luhan’s.
It’s been a year and his crush hasn’t faded away.
His father sent them enough chocolates to last for a year and Sehun shared them with Luhan after class and calls it his payment for tutoring services when Sehun claims to have difficulty with Mathematics even when he understands his algebra more than the average year 2 student.
“There’s this new girl in my class, hyung.“ Sehun says in the middle of one of their study sessions. They’re in Luhan’s room and Sehun’s munching on the dumplings Luhan’s grandmother had prepared for them. “Soojung doesn’t like her because her grades were higher than hers. But I bet it’s because Jongin’s been crushing on Seulgi since she came. That’s why Soojung asked me to befriend her so Seulgi would start liking me and not Jongin.”
“How is that working out for you?” Luhan says it nonchalantly as he continues to do his homework. Sometimes Sehun feels like Luhan doesn’t care about the stories Sehun tells him after school but he knows Luhan doesn’t mind when he asks about Sehun’s day whenever he’s quiet.
“I don’t think Seulgi likes Jongin. She probably won’t like me either. I don’t even know why Soojung’s even worrying about it too much.“ Sehun says, swallowing what’s left of the dumpling he had in his hand. “It isn’t even a good idea because everyone who’s ever liked me stopped when we become close friends. I don’t even know why that happens.” Sehun shrugs. There’s been a number of girls who’s taken a liking on Sehun but soon their feelings go away as soon as they find out Sehun wasn’t who they thought was that mysterious tsundere-like character they had in mind. Maybe Sehun just has that effect on him. Sehun didn’t care too much about it like the first time it happened.
“Some girls even bother to like a brat like you?”
“Of course, I’m the class flower boy. Who else would the girls be crushing on?” Sehun opens his mouth and signals Luhan to put a dumpling in his mouth, who rolls his eyes at the childish gesture.
Luhan shoves a dumpling in Sehun’s mouth and Sehun almost chokes along with his laughter. “Being cocky now, aren’t we?” Luhan says.
“How about you, hyung?” Sehun asks, being discreet with his intentions. “Do you have anyone you like? Some girls in my class are quite fond of watching you by the window whenever you play soccer at the field.”
Sehun doesn’t say that he joins those girls and he pretends to make fun of them even if he’s doing he very same thing that they were doing. There is a pause that lingers in the air and for a moment Sehun wishes he would’ve bitten the question back at the tongue.
“I don’t really care about that. Studies first, you know?” Luhan says, breaking the silence. Sehun could feel that there’s this hint of sadness left at his words, like there’s something that Sehun isn’t supposed to know. There’s a throb in his chest and he wonders if his heart’s dropped to his stomach. Sehun tries to will it away by changing the topic by opening his notebook and asking Luhan for help with his homework even if he knows the answer to all the questions.
Sometimes Sehun spends the night at Luhan’s place when there are exams even if they’re three grades apart and Sehun wouldn’t be of help with his exams but they both help each other anyway even if it’s mostly for Sehun’s benefit. They’d share a bed once they’re done and every time Sehun would spend an extra hour trying to calm his racing heart. Sehun doesn’t want to think about how all this time they're spending together in studying is for Luhan to leave the island in less than two years for university so he lets himself indulge in the feeling of Luhan’s skin in contact with his in accidental moments that Luhan would unknowingly cling to him in his sleep.
Luhan makes him feel less lonely about the fact that his father isn’t going to come back even if he asked and that his mother planned on following on his footsteps. His brother’s planning on moving to Seoul without even the thought of him and Sehun has the choice to go and follow his father in America too since he’s always let himself be taken where the wind blows.
But Sehun’s never wanted anything for himself but to stay in bed where he can hear Luhan’s heartbeat in such a proximity and realize that it’s beating in sync with his.
Sehun is fourteen, and he isn’t supposed to let his heart run an overdrive just because Luhan’s breath is warm on his neck and he has an arm snaked around his stomach. It’s a silly crush that shouldn’t have lasted for so long.
***
Sehun is fifteen when he has to knock on Luhan’s window before Luhan opens it and he’d step on the windowsill with his off white Converses that fit his feet almost perfectly now. He has to be careful with his movements now that his body’s growing at an unforbidding rate and he’s trying not to be his gangly self because Luhan’s grandmother might just wake up.
Sehun feels like one of those boyfriends in those western movies Soojung makes him watch when she wants to spend time with Jongin and Sehun just has to be there so her intentions won’t be too obvious. Except he isn’t Luhan’s boyfriend and they’re not meeting up at night to make out or do things they aren’t supposed to do. Luhan comes home late now that he’s preparing for entrance exams and Sehun didn’t want their study sessions to dwindle down because of it so he’s willing to sneak out at night just to help Luhan study as much as being a third year middle-schooler could help.
Most of the time, Luhan would have to wake him up in the morning when his grandmother doesn’t know that Sehun had been sleeping over at their home and they both had to pretend Sehun wasn’t there the whole time when they’d walk to school together in the day.
In some nights, Luhan would fall asleep due to exhaustion and Sehun would just watch him sleep peacefully before waking him up with coffee in his hands because he has to study if he wanted to get into the university he wanted to go to.
One of those nights, Sehun realizes that it isn’t just a crush. Sometimes he wonders if this is what love is and he wonders if it’s wrong that he can feel that maybe Luhan feels the same way too because even after Luhan got admitted to the university he wanted to go to, he still let Sehun knock on his window and he’d be the one helping Sehun this time with his exams.
They both graduated and attended each other’s ceremonies by the end of the academic year. Sehun’s more proud of Luhan than he had been for himself.
Their days were numbered and Sehun made sure to spend his time as much as he can with Luhan because it’ll be months before they’d see each other again. On the night before Luhan leaves for Seoul, Sehun knocks on Luhan’s window and he doesn’t climb inside this time.
“Hyung, let’s go out for a walk.” Sehun says. One hand in his pocket where a pair of plastic rings are warm in the palm of his hand. Sehun helps Luhan climb out of the window and they walk on the uncemented path where they bicker about the most trivial things, deliberately ignoring the fact that tomorrow would be a different day and the next days after that because Luhan would be leaving.
“I have something to give you…” Sehun stops walking, in the middle of the road. The night air is cool, and lives chill on his skin. He can see the flowers dancing in the moonlight in the fields and if he listens close enough he can hear the waves by the shore from a distance.
Sehun clenches on the pair of rings inside his fist. The smile on Luhan’s face falls and Sehun almost lets go of the rings and let it fall back inside his pocket. “You know… before you leave.”
Sehun takes Luhan’s hand and opens his palm before putting one of the plastic rings on top of Luhan’s palm. He closes his eyes and purses his lips, afraid of what he might see in Luhan’s face.
“Hyung, I…” Sehun hesitates. But he won’t be able to say this anymore tomorrow or any time soon so he picks himself up to say the next words. “I love you. I always have since I first came to this island.”
It’s then that Sehun opens his eyes and he should’ve known--and he does know, that Luhan wouldn’t take it well. But he still went with it because it’s been two years and simple crushes aren’t meant to last this long. Sehun can see the fear in Luhan’s eyes along with something he could not read though it was able to let Sehun’s heart feel heavier in his chest.
“Sehun… you’re fifteen.” Luhan points out. He’s nineteen now with big dreams that probably don’t involve Sehun. “Love is a strong word. You don’t know what you’re saying.”
They don’t talk about it the next day. Sehun wore the ring on his fourth finger and he helps Luhan gather his things together as he stares at his hand once in awhile hoping the plastic ring would should up in his hand. He does this even when he and Grandmother Lu were standing side-by-side and Luhan is in front of them about to board the ferry at the dock.
Maybe Sehun doesn’t know what love is.
Luhan offers him a hug right after he’s done sending his farewell to his grandmother and promises to visit as much as he can. Sehun holds on to that promise even if it wasn’t directed at him.
“Hyung.” Sehun whispers. There is a smile lingering on his lips even when the saline liquid was on the verge of falling from the bottom of his lids. He wonders if this if the twinge he feels in his chest is what heartbreak feels like. But maybe it isn’t, how can he tell if he doesn’t know love. “Thank you for being my best friend.”
He’ll grow out of this soon enough, Sehun presumes. If this is love that he feels in his chest, then he knows first loves don’t end happily. Soon enough he’ll forget what it’ll feel like to love Luhan--and Sehun doesn’t want that to happen. So he’d like to believe it isn’t love.
Sehun is fifteen, and he’s still too young to know what love is. But the teardrop that falls on the side of his cheek down to his neck and the waterfall that follows not long after tells him otherwise. Maybe Sehun does know what love is, because maybe love is the person waving goodbye at them from the deck of the ferry. Maybe Sehun does know what heartbreak is, because maybe love is watching the ferry become nothing more than a small dot then nothing in the horizon knowing Luhan took his heart away with him.
***
Sehun is sixteen and he realizes that heartbreak isn’t supposed to last longer than a year.
Sehun’s mother had left to follow his father in America and his brother’s in Seoul doing numerous jobs as a freelance draftsman. They were reluctant to leave him behind at the island with his grandparents but Sehun understood that he might just be the only one who hasn’t figure out his dreams just yet.
“You really don’t have any plans for yourself?” Jongin had asked, one time they were walking around town. “Are you planning on staying here?”
“Yah, Sehun. I know I always call you dumb. But you’re actually one of the smartest people I know. You just rarely ever do your best.” Soojung reprimands him, slinging both of her arms around him and Jongin. “Don’t you want to go to college?”
Sehun just shrugs. Not even bothering to let their words and sink in and make him consider what he’d wanted to do with his life.
For a brief moment, he had thought that maybe Luhan was his dream. Sehun just doesn’t want to be alone. Both Jongin and Soojung had been eyeing a university in Seoul and they’d decided to let Sehun tag along, figuring maybe Sehun could figure out what he wanted to do along with his friends. Sehun had no complaints. The most that he’s done with planning whatever happens after high school is check his chances in entering at Luhan’s university but backed out when he found out it was more prestigious than he’d expected it to be.
Sometimes, Sehun thinks that the reason why everyone who’s ever come to like him fall out because he rarely ever does something for himself or make his own decisions, or that he doesn’t do anything until the last minute where it doesn’t matter anymore. Like how he confessed to Luhan knowing that tomorrow Luhan would say goodbye and that he doesn’t have to deal with the awkwardness if he ever gets rejected.
Maybe that’s also the reason why Luhan never came to like him either.
He’s grown taller than Luhan in the months that he’s been gone. He finds this out when Luhan comes over right after Fall semester’s done and he’s come back home to spend two weeks in the island. Sehun pretends he hasn’t been counting even when he’s been waiting by the dock for the ferry to come each day because even Grandmother Lu doesn’t know what day he’d come visit.
Sehun had been there when Luhan came with only a backpack hunched over his back because he isn’t going to stay long. Sehun doesn’t even care that it had been awkward the last time because he just misses his hyung so much even if they haven’t had any contact since the last time they saw each other. He still flung himself at him and Luhan didn’t seem to mind that he’s being attacked by an overgrown child.
The first thing he asked of Luhan once he was done disabling him from breathing was to overwrite on the Sehan written on his sneakers. Luhan doesn’t ask why Sehun still chooses to wear them when his family’s been sending him a new pair once every few months. The sole of the shoe’s been bonded with epoxy several times already but Sehun wouldn’t trade it for anything else. The shoes fit him perfectly now.
Luhan still lets him sleep beside him and they’d bonded like Sehun hadn’t confessed the last time. Luhan talked of his life at the university and Sehun talks about entrance exams and Jongin and Soojung. Sehun pretends, he knows where he’s talking about when he said he’ll be going to Seoul for college even if he’s never even thought about it that much.
Sehun pretends he doesn’t like Luhan or that the fact that Luhan hadn’t been wearing the ring doesn’t bother him one bit. Maybe Luhan thought he’s grown of it even when he hasn’t. Sehun had thought it was best to let Luhan think that way. But on the last night of Luhan’s vacation, when the night chatter has fallen and they were supposed to slip into slumber any minute now, Sehun speaks.
“Hyung, I still like you, you know.” Sehun says it, and his voice is low because maybe like is an understatement. “I can’t bring myself to forget you.”
Sehun knows that Luhan’s heard it and that he wasn’t asleep because he can feel Luhan’s body still at the statement. He pretends to be asleep though and Sehun closes his eyes and pretends that he believes Luhan didn’t hear get to hear him.
Luhan leaves early in the morning and he doesn’t promise to come back and visit like the last time. His only words were, “I hope you still study by yourself even if I’m not around. I hope you realize what you’re meant for.” Sehun isn’t so sure what Luhan meant but he doesn’t want to listen to the underlying message that says he’s only saying this because he won’t be around his life anymore to remind him.
Sehun is sixteen, and he watches as Luhan becomes a small dot in his vision and the ferry becomes lost beyond his vision in the sea. He ponders on the thought that if on the other side, Luhan was watching him and the island become nothing but a small dot. He tries not to think about the possibility that it might’ve always been that way right from the start.
***
Sehun is seventeen and Luhan doesn’t come to visit his grandmother even during the holidays. Sehun spent Christmas with his friends and Sehun paid a visit at Grandmother Lu’s house several times in a week and found out Luhan wouldn’t be coming home for the holidays. Sehun wonders if she ever feels lonely being left behind at the island. But it doesn’t seem so with the way she seems content with going to play mahjong or cards with the other seniors in the small neighborhood they live in during the day.
Sehun often brings his grandparents along when he comes over to Grandmother Lu’s house for dinner and he would watch them play cards wistfully as if he’s the old one among them.
In those times when they’re much too absorbed in their game, Sehun would sneak into Luhan’s room to reminisce. It feels empty--it is empty. Nothing’s left but a number of things Luhan didn’t need to bring along with him. Whenever he stays in the room, he only turns the nightlight on and he watches as the ghost of Luhan’s memory come into life like he’s still in middle school and he’s studying with Luhan.
He shouldn’t be thinking this way, because Luhan isn’t dead to become a ghost of his past. But sometimes Sehun wonders if their friendship is something that’s gone with the winds of time. He hasn’t been in contact with Luhan for months and maybe he’s just busy with university.
Sehun hasn’t seen the plastic ring he gave Luhan in the times he inspects the room, he’d like to believe it was important enough for Luhan to bring with him and Sehun would shut the door of the room gently thinking that he’s left a piece of his heavy heart inside the room.
“Do you miss your gege?” Grandmother Lu would sometimes ask when she’s seeing him off by the door.
“So much.” Sehun would always say. Sehun isn’t so sure if he’s being painfully obvious. But there’s always a hint of sadness in Grandmother Lu’s eyes that Sehun has to throw in a cheeky smile every time before waving her goodbye so he can go back home and study on his own now that Luhan isn’t around. Sometimes he studies with Jongin and Soojung but being a third wheel isn’t so fun when he’s feeling empty without his hyung.
Sehun is seventeen, he’s outgrown his white Converses now but he hasn’t outgrown whatever it is that he’s feeling for Luhan. Sehun doesn’t know how long he’ll be squeezing into the old white sneakers like how he squeezes himself in Luhan’s life to make sure he doesn’t become a small dot in his memory. He hopes he doesn’t become just a part of his past life in an island he’s left behind for skyscrapers and possible nine to five jobs.
***
Sehun is eighteen and he spends the past year studying hard to get into a university. He still doesn’t know what he wants to do with his life but he’s realized that it can’t be found in the island.
Maybe it’s out there somewhere, perhaps. Somewhere, in a place where his heart is closer--in Seoul.
Sehun doesn’t have big dreams. Maybe a house that he can come home too without feeling lonely. He should ask his brother about that since he’s found a stable job at an architectural firm. A house isn’t a home but he has to start somewhere, at least.
Today was his graduation day.
Sehun’s been accepted to the same university as Soojung and Jongin as planned. His parent’s had sent him a package full of materialistic things Sehun doesn’t need in his life and a lengthy text message with a “We’ll always be here for you, son.” at the ending. They didn’t ask him to come live with them and maybe they’ve finally accepted that Sehun can walk on his own two feet now. His grandparents were there watching him as he stood at the stage and accepted his diploma with a photograph to remember it by.
Things are much better than he’s expected to be. But something’s a miss.
Sehun shouldn’t be looking around and stopping at every blurry face in the audience hoping someone would show up with flowers perhaps saying “You did it. I’m so proud of you.”
Sehun had drinks and ate at the only barbeque place in town whilst planning the best vacation ever before they all go to Seoul in two weeks though he doesn’t exactly look forward to it when he’ll most likely end up being a designated photographer for the other two.
It’s nearing midnight and Sehun doesn’t even know what he’s waiting for when he lies awake with just the lamp as a source of light. He’s huddled up underneath the blanket and he always feels like the bed's too big even if it’s been so long since the last time he’s shared a bed with Luhan.
That’s when he hears it. Three knocks on his window, like how he always did when he climbed over Luhan’s window next door a few years back. Sehun takes a peek outside the window and there he sees Luhan waving at him with a half of a smile lingering on his lips.
Sehun can feel the organ encaged beneath his chest start beating and he tries his best to put a straight face on--trying so hard not to be too obvious that he’s been waiting for him since the morning even if he didn’t even know he’d be back. Sehun sits up and moves closer to the window just beside his bed before he opens it and helps Luhan inside.
“Hyung.” Sehun says, as soon as Luhan’s settled himself seated on the bed. "What are you doing here?" he wanted to ask, "Why?"
“I’m sorry.” Luhan begins, he’s never looked so wrecked and Sehun feels a twinge in his chest at the thought of Luhan under so much pain for reasons unknown. Sehun balls his hand in a fist upon instinct and he wants nothing more but to find the cause of Luhan’s distress. “I’m sorry I didn’t make it on your graduation. I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. I…”
Sehun unclenches his fist and feels relief for a split-second before he pulls Luhan in for a hug. Luhan clings to him and Sehun’s been dreaming of this to happen every night--being Luhan’s support when he’s too weak to carry all the burden in his shoulders.
“I missed the ferry I was supposed to board and had to wait at the terminal for the next boarding. I’ve been waiting for years for this day and I didn’t… I didn’t mean to miss it.” Luhan sobs into his shoulder. Sehun doesn’t know how to feel. Luhan’s actually planned on seeing him on his graduation.
“It’s okay, hyung. You’re here now.” Sehun lets Luhan spill it all out before he calms down in a few minutes and everything’s silent once again.
“You’ve grown up quite well.” Luhan says when he pulls away, noticing how his stickly figure has built in some muscle and he’s even grown bigger as compared to the last time they’ve seen each other. His features has lost its softness to be replaced with sharp ones that made an impression that he was more of a man than a teenage boy who doesn’t know what to do with his life. Sehun no longer keeps his hair long enough to cover the whole of his forehead. His physicality shows how much he’s grown but Sehun still feels like he’s thirteen and Luhan’s seventeen right at this moment--just like before.
“Grandmother’s been telling me how you got into a university in Seoul. She’s always been afraid you’d end up staying in the island like her. She always thought you were meant for bigger things, you just didn’t realize it.” Luhan cups both of Sehun’s cheeks in his hands as if he’s a child. It feels so much the golden days of their youth and he can feels it flutter inside of him. “I believed in you too. I’m so, so, so proud of you.”
Sehun couldn’t help but let a tear slip before another one falls just because his heart is so full of love he can almost feel the organ beat its way out of his chest. Luhan swipes his fingers on his cheeks and he’s never felt so cared for by someone who always comes back just when he needs him. The past year had been torture without Luhan. Sehun would rather stay friends with Luhan if it meant that he’ll be back in his life.
But Sehun would like to try… just one last time.
“Luhan-hyung,” Sehun says and there’s no turning back now. “I still love you.”
It’s the first time he’s saying it out loud and nothing feels better than finally letting it out. Sehun expected Luhan not to say anything, like he always has in the past few years. Just accepting his feelings with no intention to reciprocate.
There’s a forced smile lingering on his lips before he starts laughing and it sounds so sad coming from his mouth no matter how beautiful the sound of it is. “You still haven’t gotten over your crush on me, huh?”
Sehun can feel himself growing smaller and smaller like the dot he watches of when the ferry leaves. He wonders how many times he has to feel this way before he’ll get sick of it.
“Hyung, I’m serious.” Sehun says his voice growing low. He’s holding himself back even if he can already taste the saltiness of his tears in between his lips. There’s this look on Luhan’s face, he can’t tell if he’s feeling pained or pity.
“It’s been years, hyung… I still haven’t gotten over you. Tell me… is this not love?” Sehun’s voice falters and breaks, and as much as he feels his voice grow smaller. He musters up all that’s left in his strength to make himself clear. “You made me want to realize my dream. You are my best friend. You made me feel less lonely at a time I felt like everyone would leave. You were the only one that I chose that I can’t do without in my life.”
“Hyung… tell me if I’m wrong. Tell me that you don’t miss me. Tell me that you don’t want this. Tell me you don’t need me in your life as much as I need you. Tell me this isn’t love.” Sehun chokes on his tears. His voice growing deeper with each syllable. Sehun closes his eyes and the tears just keep falling. He’s never made himself appear to be so vulnerable, but it’s who he is with just the thought of not having Luhan in his life. “Just tell me and I’ll stop…”
Luhan doesn’t tell him anything. Nothing but silence fills each nook and cranny of the room and Sehun isn’t sure if this is means acceptance or rejection. Sehun is careful when he leans in until he can feel Luhan’s breath fanning on his skin.
Luhan’s eyes are glistening with tears, and so is his. Luhan doesn’t flinch or escape his eye contact and it almost felt like forever before Sehun grabs Luhan by the neck and kisses him.
It’s innocent and pure, the gentle wind from the opened window brushes gently on their skin. Sehun’s heart is on an overdrive and his senses are hyper aware with his closed lids. He presses harder, and it isn’t so much of a kiss when it’s just the both of their lips pressed hardly against each other.
But somehow Sehun feels himself tearing through his facade and bearing his soul as his heart drops with each second that Luhan doesn’t respond.
Luhan is Sehun’s first love. Sehun does know what love is. It’s drinking from chocolate milk boxes outside the patio and study sessions at night. It’s walking late at night and sneaking inside through windows. It’s watching the ferry turn into a small dot and anticipating for the next time it’ll come back with his heart. Love is Luhan.
Now that Sehun knows, he inches his lips farther and tilts his forehead to lean on Luhan’s own. Before opening his eyes looks at his best friend straight in the eye. Shock is evident in his eyes. Sehun thumbs on the surface of Luhan’s swollen lips. It’s as if he’s longing to bring it back, to feel love on his lips even if he knows it’s a one-way street.
Sehun isn’t selfish. He knows more than anything now that between the two of them, Luhan values their friendship the most.
“How long will you be staying?” Sehun asks.
“Two more days…” Luhan croaks out. Sehun nods before disentangling himself and inviting Luhan on the bed that’s fit for two.
Once morning came, they’re back at it again, pretending that the night before didn’t exist. The next day was spent catching up with the amount of time they’ve spent apart. Luhan tells him about university and drinking out at night. Sehun tells him of entrance exams and the Jongin or Soojung who he spent an immense amount of time with when the hours he used to spend with Luhan became vacant. They spend the next night huddled together on Luhan’s bed, just like old times.
Luhan’s leaving early in the morning and Grandmother Lu’s decided to let Sehun see Luhan off himself instead of her. He decides to wear his best dress shirt and jeans even when he opts to wear the old white Converses that don’t even look white anymore.
The other passengers were already boarding the vessel and yet the both of them stay unmoving as Sehun is unable to say goodbye. It’s silly, because they’ll most likely see each other again in less than a month. But Sehun’s only given himself until today before he says goodbye to his first love. He’ll always love Luhan, it’s something he can’t do without. But he just has to stop wishing for a pipe dream to come true and accept that being best friends is all that they’ll ever be.
Sehun already knows what love is, he just isn’t the one meant for Luhan. But it’s okay. Sehun is okay with this. Friends. Best friends. One day he’ll be able to stop wearing the plastic ring that’s chipped off its original color and learn to set it aside inside a memory box of a friendship so important that even an unrequited love could not break.
It was Luhan who initiated the hug when Sehun’s didn’t seem like he’d make a move, but it was Sehun who was gripping on him tighter, unwilling to let go. He bites on his quivering lips and this isn’t supposed to be that sad but Sehun couldn’t help himself.
“Hyung.” Sehun whispers. There is a smile lingering on his lips even when the saline liquid was on the verge of falling from the bottom of his lids. It feels strangely nostalgic. He wonders how he’s loved Luhan for so long knowing that he’s setting himself up for disappointment. “Thank you for being my best friend.”
Somewhere in between friendship and love, Sehun should regret ever letting himself find out what love is. But he doesn’t, because loving Luhan isn’t something Sehun will ever learn to regret.
Sehun can feel Luhan inching farther away from his grip but he refuses to let go. Just for a few more seconds, he tells himself. But he feels both of Luhan’s hands snake its way on his cheeks, pushing his face backwards before he feels a pair of soft lips moving on top of his.
Oh.
Luhan was kissing him, and it takes him a few seconds before he decides to reciprocate. Sehun’s grip on Luhan loosens and Luhan takes one hand away from his cheek to fist on his dress shirt that would surely leave wrinkles in its wake. Sehun can hear his heart beating its way out of his chest and they’re so close he can tell that Luhan’s is beating in sync with his.
They only part when the ferry boat signals a horn and they’re reminded that Luhan has to board in a few minutes. Luhan flattens his palm on Sehun’s shirt as if doing so would flatten the creases out and Sehun just laughs at the gesture.
“Your university’s only three subway stations away from mine. I think we might be able to find time to meet each other once in awhile every week. There’s this place near my university that sells bubble tea. It’s good. I can tell that you’ll love it.“ Luhan says, fixing the collar of Sehun’s shirt.
“Hyung…” Luhan caresses his face and cradles Sehun’s cheek in his hand. That’s when Sehun feels the plastic pressing softly on the surface of his skin. Sehun brings his hand to hold Luhan’s and he thumbs on the surface of the plastic ring round tight on his fourth finger.
Luhan flips his hand to entangle their fingers like vines intertwined. “I think you’re old enough to know what love is. I believe you.”
“Then does that mean..?” Sehun asks, quite unsure with the turn of events. It all seems too good to be true.
“Yeah…” Luhan smiles, before pursing his lips. “I left my number stuck on your refrigerator door. Call me once you’ve settled yourself at the dorms. I’ll see you in two weeks. Have fun with your vacation with Jongin and Soojung.”
Sehun watches Luhan step inside ferry and watches him move up to the deck where he waves at Sehun. The boat takes its voyage not long after and they just stare at each other as much as they can until the ferry becomes nothing but a small dot lost at sea. In two weeks, that’ll be him, with his two other best friends who he’ll spend the last days at the island they grew up in with fun-filled days before farewell.
Sehun no longer feels lonely. He’s more than willing to try and find his purpose in this life now that he knows.
Sehun is eighteen, his favorite pair of white Converses are worn out on his feet and it barely even fits him anymore that he has to keep the back of his feet out in the open. The side of the left pair’s been overwritten just in the morning with a Sehan unbeknownst to Sehun. What Sehun doesn’t know is that on the right pair of the sneaker, Luhan’s written five blocks of deliberately broken Korean--five like the number of years Sehun’s spent loving his hyung; and something that Sehun has yet to find out.
Neo. Dae. Seo. Rong. Ha.
Author’s Note: hello i just wanted to write a simple story with this prompt! I do apologize if the story tells more than it shows (or how some parts are vague or seem chopped lol). but i do hope i gave justice to the prompt! ;A; oh and if anyone is wondering about what Neo. Dae. Seo. Rong. Ha. is supposed to mean... It’s the wrong way of writing ‘Nado Saranghae’ in Korean, which basically means I love you too. TAT lol anw thank u for reading!
Title: tell me (is this not love)
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 6,800 words
Summary: Maybe Sehun doesn’t know what love is. But he can’t help but think that whatever that word means can be found in the way Luhan’s eyes wrinkle when he smiles or the soft sound of his voice when he laughs.
Tell me why everytime I find someone that I like,
We always end up just being friends
- 98 Degrees, Why Are We Still Friends
Sehun is thirteen and he was much too young to understand the concept of love.
Each grade in the island’s only public school only consisted of one class, so Sehun had been placed among thirty other first years during middle school. He stuck out like a sore thumb during his first day at class given that he had been from Seoul and was dressed in his best branded clothes and a new pair of new white Converses his father had given him before migrating to the States. So he, along with his mother and brother had to move back to their hometown since they’d have to vacate the company housing not long after his father had settled things at his former workplace.
The pair was a number of sizes larger than his feet and they’d look ridiculous on him but Sehun liked wearing it just because it’s from his father. His brother wanted to fight him for it but then he decided against it when he wore the shoes and they didn’t fit his large feet at all.
Luhan, his next-door neighbor, has written over the side of the sneakers with a black marker. Se Han, it wrote. He did it just to spite Sehun that one time he made fun of how Luhan can speak rapid Chinese yet speaks Korean at a snail’s pace. (“I’m sorry, Sehun-ah. That isn’t how you’re name is supposed to be spelled? I guess my Korean is bad.”)
He’s with Luhan right now and they’re sitting by the wooden patio in front of Luhan’s house while sipping on chocolate milk boxes.
“Hyung, I don’t understand. I swear she was in love with me and yet when I confessed she said she only wanted to be friends and that she liked Jongin.” Sehun kicks at the dirt. He’s acting too much like a kid but he tends to do that to people not of his age.
“You don’t know what love is, Sehun-ah. You’re a kid.” Luhan laughs at his outburst while patting his chin. Sehun makes no effort to swat it away since protesting would be futile (and he’s much too busy ranting about in what he once thought was his first heartbreak). Luhan is a full four years older than him. He isn’t Korean but he’s lived with his grandmother in the island since his elementary years. Sometimes it annoys Sehun how he treats Sehun like a kid but he likes being in Luhan’s presence too much so he sucks it up.
“But I asked around and they all said Soojung had a crush on me! I even heard her this one time I passed by the girl’s bathroom. She told our classmates she had a crush on me so I started talking to her so we’d be close but then when I confessed she rejected me? It doesn’t make sense.” Sehun continues to whine. He’s already drinked up the rest of the chocolate milk but even then he slurps at it noisily until Luhan offers his own half-empty one and Sehun doesn’t even consider to think twice before snatching it from his fingers.
Sehun puts the straw in between his lips and his immature little mind thinks, indirect kiss. He can’t help but feel giddy at the thought before he shoots it down. It probably isn’t right, to think or feel this way. A boy cannot like another boy as far as he’s been told. But Luhan seems to be an exception. It’s just a phase that will pass by, he presumes. It’s almost similar to what he felt with Soojung only Luhan doesn’t have long black hair or wears lip gloss.
“Yah, what were you doing by the girl’s bathroom?” Luhan hits his head playfully and Sehun laughs. “You’re still young, Sehun-ah. What do you even know about love?”
Sehun is thirteen and maybe he doesn’t know what love is. But he can’t help but think that whatever that word means can be found in the way Luhan’s eyes wrinkle when he smiles or the soft sound of his voice when he laughs.
***
Sehun is fourteen and he set aside his oversized pair of sneakers for a new pair that actually fit him. His father had sent a package to them filled with superficial goods that’s supposed to replace his presence.
Life is better here, Sehun. One day, you’ll be living here in America too, he had written to him along with a new pair of Adidas kicks. Sehun wasn’t particularly excited and it’s then that he realizes that his father won’t be coming back to visit anytime soon. His ambition was much too big to be tied down to a family with two kids and Sehun can tell his mother and brother had the same mindset too.
Sehun doesn’t have the same sentiments. He’s honestly content with his white Converses but he wears the Adidas ones to school just because he doesn’t want them to go to waste. He’s grown an attachment with his oversized Converses that has become a shade dirtier than white as it had been the year before. He still wears it when he isn’t at school. Just because it’s a remnant of his father and also because he realized that the two blocks of hanggul written on the side of his sneaker is a combination of his name and Luhan’s.
It’s been a year and his crush hasn’t faded away.
His father sent them enough chocolates to last for a year and Sehun shared them with Luhan after class and calls it his payment for tutoring services when Sehun claims to have difficulty with Mathematics even when he understands his algebra more than the average year 2 student.
“There’s this new girl in my class, hyung.“ Sehun says in the middle of one of their study sessions. They’re in Luhan’s room and Sehun’s munching on the dumplings Luhan’s grandmother had prepared for them. “Soojung doesn’t like her because her grades were higher than hers. But I bet it’s because Jongin’s been crushing on Seulgi since she came. That’s why Soojung asked me to befriend her so Seulgi would start liking me and not Jongin.”
“How is that working out for you?” Luhan says it nonchalantly as he continues to do his homework. Sometimes Sehun feels like Luhan doesn’t care about the stories Sehun tells him after school but he knows Luhan doesn’t mind when he asks about Sehun’s day whenever he’s quiet.
“I don’t think Seulgi likes Jongin. She probably won’t like me either. I don’t even know why Soojung’s even worrying about it too much.“ Sehun says, swallowing what’s left of the dumpling he had in his hand. “It isn’t even a good idea because everyone who’s ever liked me stopped when we become close friends. I don’t even know why that happens.” Sehun shrugs. There’s been a number of girls who’s taken a liking on Sehun but soon their feelings go away as soon as they find out Sehun wasn’t who they thought was that mysterious tsundere-like character they had in mind. Maybe Sehun just has that effect on him. Sehun didn’t care too much about it like the first time it happened.
“Some girls even bother to like a brat like you?”
“Of course, I’m the class flower boy. Who else would the girls be crushing on?” Sehun opens his mouth and signals Luhan to put a dumpling in his mouth, who rolls his eyes at the childish gesture.
Luhan shoves a dumpling in Sehun’s mouth and Sehun almost chokes along with his laughter. “Being cocky now, aren’t we?” Luhan says.
“How about you, hyung?” Sehun asks, being discreet with his intentions. “Do you have anyone you like? Some girls in my class are quite fond of watching you by the window whenever you play soccer at the field.”
Sehun doesn’t say that he joins those girls and he pretends to make fun of them even if he’s doing he very same thing that they were doing. There is a pause that lingers in the air and for a moment Sehun wishes he would’ve bitten the question back at the tongue.
“I don’t really care about that. Studies first, you know?” Luhan says, breaking the silence. Sehun could feel that there’s this hint of sadness left at his words, like there’s something that Sehun isn’t supposed to know. There’s a throb in his chest and he wonders if his heart’s dropped to his stomach. Sehun tries to will it away by changing the topic by opening his notebook and asking Luhan for help with his homework even if he knows the answer to all the questions.
Sometimes Sehun spends the night at Luhan’s place when there are exams even if they’re three grades apart and Sehun wouldn’t be of help with his exams but they both help each other anyway even if it’s mostly for Sehun’s benefit. They’d share a bed once they’re done and every time Sehun would spend an extra hour trying to calm his racing heart. Sehun doesn’t want to think about how all this time they're spending together in studying is for Luhan to leave the island in less than two years for university so he lets himself indulge in the feeling of Luhan’s skin in contact with his in accidental moments that Luhan would unknowingly cling to him in his sleep.
Luhan makes him feel less lonely about the fact that his father isn’t going to come back even if he asked and that his mother planned on following on his footsteps. His brother’s planning on moving to Seoul without even the thought of him and Sehun has the choice to go and follow his father in America too since he’s always let himself be taken where the wind blows.
But Sehun’s never wanted anything for himself but to stay in bed where he can hear Luhan’s heartbeat in such a proximity and realize that it’s beating in sync with his.
Sehun is fourteen, and he isn’t supposed to let his heart run an overdrive just because Luhan’s breath is warm on his neck and he has an arm snaked around his stomach. It’s a silly crush that shouldn’t have lasted for so long.
***
Sehun is fifteen when he has to knock on Luhan’s window before Luhan opens it and he’d step on the windowsill with his off white Converses that fit his feet almost perfectly now. He has to be careful with his movements now that his body’s growing at an unforbidding rate and he’s trying not to be his gangly self because Luhan’s grandmother might just wake up.
Sehun feels like one of those boyfriends in those western movies Soojung makes him watch when she wants to spend time with Jongin and Sehun just has to be there so her intentions won’t be too obvious. Except he isn’t Luhan’s boyfriend and they’re not meeting up at night to make out or do things they aren’t supposed to do. Luhan comes home late now that he’s preparing for entrance exams and Sehun didn’t want their study sessions to dwindle down because of it so he’s willing to sneak out at night just to help Luhan study as much as being a third year middle-schooler could help.
Most of the time, Luhan would have to wake him up in the morning when his grandmother doesn’t know that Sehun had been sleeping over at their home and they both had to pretend Sehun wasn’t there the whole time when they’d walk to school together in the day.
In some nights, Luhan would fall asleep due to exhaustion and Sehun would just watch him sleep peacefully before waking him up with coffee in his hands because he has to study if he wanted to get into the university he wanted to go to.
One of those nights, Sehun realizes that it isn’t just a crush. Sometimes he wonders if this is what love is and he wonders if it’s wrong that he can feel that maybe Luhan feels the same way too because even after Luhan got admitted to the university he wanted to go to, he still let Sehun knock on his window and he’d be the one helping Sehun this time with his exams.
They both graduated and attended each other’s ceremonies by the end of the academic year. Sehun’s more proud of Luhan than he had been for himself.
Their days were numbered and Sehun made sure to spend his time as much as he can with Luhan because it’ll be months before they’d see each other again. On the night before Luhan leaves for Seoul, Sehun knocks on Luhan’s window and he doesn’t climb inside this time.
“Hyung, let’s go out for a walk.” Sehun says. One hand in his pocket where a pair of plastic rings are warm in the palm of his hand. Sehun helps Luhan climb out of the window and they walk on the uncemented path where they bicker about the most trivial things, deliberately ignoring the fact that tomorrow would be a different day and the next days after that because Luhan would be leaving.
“I have something to give you…” Sehun stops walking, in the middle of the road. The night air is cool, and lives chill on his skin. He can see the flowers dancing in the moonlight in the fields and if he listens close enough he can hear the waves by the shore from a distance.
Sehun clenches on the pair of rings inside his fist. The smile on Luhan’s face falls and Sehun almost lets go of the rings and let it fall back inside his pocket. “You know… before you leave.”
Sehun takes Luhan’s hand and opens his palm before putting one of the plastic rings on top of Luhan’s palm. He closes his eyes and purses his lips, afraid of what he might see in Luhan’s face.
“Hyung, I…” Sehun hesitates. But he won’t be able to say this anymore tomorrow or any time soon so he picks himself up to say the next words. “I love you. I always have since I first came to this island.”
It’s then that Sehun opens his eyes and he should’ve known--and he does know, that Luhan wouldn’t take it well. But he still went with it because it’s been two years and simple crushes aren’t meant to last this long. Sehun can see the fear in Luhan’s eyes along with something he could not read though it was able to let Sehun’s heart feel heavier in his chest.
“Sehun… you’re fifteen.” Luhan points out. He’s nineteen now with big dreams that probably don’t involve Sehun. “Love is a strong word. You don’t know what you’re saying.”
They don’t talk about it the next day. Sehun wore the ring on his fourth finger and he helps Luhan gather his things together as he stares at his hand once in awhile hoping the plastic ring would should up in his hand. He does this even when he and Grandmother Lu were standing side-by-side and Luhan is in front of them about to board the ferry at the dock.
Maybe Sehun doesn’t know what love is.
Luhan offers him a hug right after he’s done sending his farewell to his grandmother and promises to visit as much as he can. Sehun holds on to that promise even if it wasn’t directed at him.
“Hyung.” Sehun whispers. There is a smile lingering on his lips even when the saline liquid was on the verge of falling from the bottom of his lids. He wonders if this if the twinge he feels in his chest is what heartbreak feels like. But maybe it isn’t, how can he tell if he doesn’t know love. “Thank you for being my best friend.”
He’ll grow out of this soon enough, Sehun presumes. If this is love that he feels in his chest, then he knows first loves don’t end happily. Soon enough he’ll forget what it’ll feel like to love Luhan--and Sehun doesn’t want that to happen. So he’d like to believe it isn’t love.
Sehun is fifteen, and he’s still too young to know what love is. But the teardrop that falls on the side of his cheek down to his neck and the waterfall that follows not long after tells him otherwise. Maybe Sehun does know what love is, because maybe love is the person waving goodbye at them from the deck of the ferry. Maybe Sehun does know what heartbreak is, because maybe love is watching the ferry become nothing more than a small dot then nothing in the horizon knowing Luhan took his heart away with him.
***
Sehun is sixteen and he realizes that heartbreak isn’t supposed to last longer than a year.
Sehun’s mother had left to follow his father in America and his brother’s in Seoul doing numerous jobs as a freelance draftsman. They were reluctant to leave him behind at the island with his grandparents but Sehun understood that he might just be the only one who hasn’t figure out his dreams just yet.
“You really don’t have any plans for yourself?” Jongin had asked, one time they were walking around town. “Are you planning on staying here?”
“Yah, Sehun. I know I always call you dumb. But you’re actually one of the smartest people I know. You just rarely ever do your best.” Soojung reprimands him, slinging both of her arms around him and Jongin. “Don’t you want to go to college?”
Sehun just shrugs. Not even bothering to let their words and sink in and make him consider what he’d wanted to do with his life.
For a brief moment, he had thought that maybe Luhan was his dream. Sehun just doesn’t want to be alone. Both Jongin and Soojung had been eyeing a university in Seoul and they’d decided to let Sehun tag along, figuring maybe Sehun could figure out what he wanted to do along with his friends. Sehun had no complaints. The most that he’s done with planning whatever happens after high school is check his chances in entering at Luhan’s university but backed out when he found out it was more prestigious than he’d expected it to be.
Sometimes, Sehun thinks that the reason why everyone who’s ever come to like him fall out because he rarely ever does something for himself or make his own decisions, or that he doesn’t do anything until the last minute where it doesn’t matter anymore. Like how he confessed to Luhan knowing that tomorrow Luhan would say goodbye and that he doesn’t have to deal with the awkwardness if he ever gets rejected.
Maybe that’s also the reason why Luhan never came to like him either.
He’s grown taller than Luhan in the months that he’s been gone. He finds this out when Luhan comes over right after Fall semester’s done and he’s come back home to spend two weeks in the island. Sehun pretends he hasn’t been counting even when he’s been waiting by the dock for the ferry to come each day because even Grandmother Lu doesn’t know what day he’d come visit.
Sehun had been there when Luhan came with only a backpack hunched over his back because he isn’t going to stay long. Sehun doesn’t even care that it had been awkward the last time because he just misses his hyung so much even if they haven’t had any contact since the last time they saw each other. He still flung himself at him and Luhan didn’t seem to mind that he’s being attacked by an overgrown child.
The first thing he asked of Luhan once he was done disabling him from breathing was to overwrite on the Sehan written on his sneakers. Luhan doesn’t ask why Sehun still chooses to wear them when his family’s been sending him a new pair once every few months. The sole of the shoe’s been bonded with epoxy several times already but Sehun wouldn’t trade it for anything else. The shoes fit him perfectly now.
Luhan still lets him sleep beside him and they’d bonded like Sehun hadn’t confessed the last time. Luhan talked of his life at the university and Sehun talks about entrance exams and Jongin and Soojung. Sehun pretends, he knows where he’s talking about when he said he’ll be going to Seoul for college even if he’s never even thought about it that much.
Sehun pretends he doesn’t like Luhan or that the fact that Luhan hadn’t been wearing the ring doesn’t bother him one bit. Maybe Luhan thought he’s grown of it even when he hasn’t. Sehun had thought it was best to let Luhan think that way. But on the last night of Luhan’s vacation, when the night chatter has fallen and they were supposed to slip into slumber any minute now, Sehun speaks.
“Hyung, I still like you, you know.” Sehun says it, and his voice is low because maybe like is an understatement. “I can’t bring myself to forget you.”
Sehun knows that Luhan’s heard it and that he wasn’t asleep because he can feel Luhan’s body still at the statement. He pretends to be asleep though and Sehun closes his eyes and pretends that he believes Luhan didn’t hear get to hear him.
Luhan leaves early in the morning and he doesn’t promise to come back and visit like the last time. His only words were, “I hope you still study by yourself even if I’m not around. I hope you realize what you’re meant for.” Sehun isn’t so sure what Luhan meant but he doesn’t want to listen to the underlying message that says he’s only saying this because he won’t be around his life anymore to remind him.
Sehun is sixteen, and he watches as Luhan becomes a small dot in his vision and the ferry becomes lost beyond his vision in the sea. He ponders on the thought that if on the other side, Luhan was watching him and the island become nothing but a small dot. He tries not to think about the possibility that it might’ve always been that way right from the start.
***
Sehun is seventeen and Luhan doesn’t come to visit his grandmother even during the holidays. Sehun spent Christmas with his friends and Sehun paid a visit at Grandmother Lu’s house several times in a week and found out Luhan wouldn’t be coming home for the holidays. Sehun wonders if she ever feels lonely being left behind at the island. But it doesn’t seem so with the way she seems content with going to play mahjong or cards with the other seniors in the small neighborhood they live in during the day.
Sehun often brings his grandparents along when he comes over to Grandmother Lu’s house for dinner and he would watch them play cards wistfully as if he’s the old one among them.
In those times when they’re much too absorbed in their game, Sehun would sneak into Luhan’s room to reminisce. It feels empty--it is empty. Nothing’s left but a number of things Luhan didn’t need to bring along with him. Whenever he stays in the room, he only turns the nightlight on and he watches as the ghost of Luhan’s memory come into life like he’s still in middle school and he’s studying with Luhan.
He shouldn’t be thinking this way, because Luhan isn’t dead to become a ghost of his past. But sometimes Sehun wonders if their friendship is something that’s gone with the winds of time. He hasn’t been in contact with Luhan for months and maybe he’s just busy with university.
Sehun hasn’t seen the plastic ring he gave Luhan in the times he inspects the room, he’d like to believe it was important enough for Luhan to bring with him and Sehun would shut the door of the room gently thinking that he’s left a piece of his heavy heart inside the room.
“Do you miss your gege?” Grandmother Lu would sometimes ask when she’s seeing him off by the door.
“So much.” Sehun would always say. Sehun isn’t so sure if he’s being painfully obvious. But there’s always a hint of sadness in Grandmother Lu’s eyes that Sehun has to throw in a cheeky smile every time before waving her goodbye so he can go back home and study on his own now that Luhan isn’t around. Sometimes he studies with Jongin and Soojung but being a third wheel isn’t so fun when he’s feeling empty without his hyung.
Sehun is seventeen, he’s outgrown his white Converses now but he hasn’t outgrown whatever it is that he’s feeling for Luhan. Sehun doesn’t know how long he’ll be squeezing into the old white sneakers like how he squeezes himself in Luhan’s life to make sure he doesn’t become a small dot in his memory. He hopes he doesn’t become just a part of his past life in an island he’s left behind for skyscrapers and possible nine to five jobs.
***
Sehun is eighteen and he spends the past year studying hard to get into a university. He still doesn’t know what he wants to do with his life but he’s realized that it can’t be found in the island.
Maybe it’s out there somewhere, perhaps. Somewhere, in a place where his heart is closer--in Seoul.
Sehun doesn’t have big dreams. Maybe a house that he can come home too without feeling lonely. He should ask his brother about that since he’s found a stable job at an architectural firm. A house isn’t a home but he has to start somewhere, at least.
Today was his graduation day.
Sehun’s been accepted to the same university as Soojung and Jongin as planned. His parent’s had sent him a package full of materialistic things Sehun doesn’t need in his life and a lengthy text message with a “We’ll always be here for you, son.” at the ending. They didn’t ask him to come live with them and maybe they’ve finally accepted that Sehun can walk on his own two feet now. His grandparents were there watching him as he stood at the stage and accepted his diploma with a photograph to remember it by.
Things are much better than he’s expected to be. But something’s a miss.
Sehun shouldn’t be looking around and stopping at every blurry face in the audience hoping someone would show up with flowers perhaps saying “You did it. I’m so proud of you.”
Sehun had drinks and ate at the only barbeque place in town whilst planning the best vacation ever before they all go to Seoul in two weeks though he doesn’t exactly look forward to it when he’ll most likely end up being a designated photographer for the other two.
It’s nearing midnight and Sehun doesn’t even know what he’s waiting for when he lies awake with just the lamp as a source of light. He’s huddled up underneath the blanket and he always feels like the bed's too big even if it’s been so long since the last time he’s shared a bed with Luhan.
That’s when he hears it. Three knocks on his window, like how he always did when he climbed over Luhan’s window next door a few years back. Sehun takes a peek outside the window and there he sees Luhan waving at him with a half of a smile lingering on his lips.
Sehun can feel the organ encaged beneath his chest start beating and he tries his best to put a straight face on--trying so hard not to be too obvious that he’s been waiting for him since the morning even if he didn’t even know he’d be back. Sehun sits up and moves closer to the window just beside his bed before he opens it and helps Luhan inside.
“Hyung.” Sehun says, as soon as Luhan’s settled himself seated on the bed. "What are you doing here?" he wanted to ask, "Why?"
“I’m sorry.” Luhan begins, he’s never looked so wrecked and Sehun feels a twinge in his chest at the thought of Luhan under so much pain for reasons unknown. Sehun balls his hand in a fist upon instinct and he wants nothing more but to find the cause of Luhan’s distress. “I’m sorry I didn’t make it on your graduation. I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. I…”
Sehun unclenches his fist and feels relief for a split-second before he pulls Luhan in for a hug. Luhan clings to him and Sehun’s been dreaming of this to happen every night--being Luhan’s support when he’s too weak to carry all the burden in his shoulders.
“I missed the ferry I was supposed to board and had to wait at the terminal for the next boarding. I’ve been waiting for years for this day and I didn’t… I didn’t mean to miss it.” Luhan sobs into his shoulder. Sehun doesn’t know how to feel. Luhan’s actually planned on seeing him on his graduation.
“It’s okay, hyung. You’re here now.” Sehun lets Luhan spill it all out before he calms down in a few minutes and everything’s silent once again.
“You’ve grown up quite well.” Luhan says when he pulls away, noticing how his stickly figure has built in some muscle and he’s even grown bigger as compared to the last time they’ve seen each other. His features has lost its softness to be replaced with sharp ones that made an impression that he was more of a man than a teenage boy who doesn’t know what to do with his life. Sehun no longer keeps his hair long enough to cover the whole of his forehead. His physicality shows how much he’s grown but Sehun still feels like he’s thirteen and Luhan’s seventeen right at this moment--just like before.
“Grandmother’s been telling me how you got into a university in Seoul. She’s always been afraid you’d end up staying in the island like her. She always thought you were meant for bigger things, you just didn’t realize it.” Luhan cups both of Sehun’s cheeks in his hands as if he’s a child. It feels so much the golden days of their youth and he can feels it flutter inside of him. “I believed in you too. I’m so, so, so proud of you.”
Sehun couldn’t help but let a tear slip before another one falls just because his heart is so full of love he can almost feel the organ beat its way out of his chest. Luhan swipes his fingers on his cheeks and he’s never felt so cared for by someone who always comes back just when he needs him. The past year had been torture without Luhan. Sehun would rather stay friends with Luhan if it meant that he’ll be back in his life.
But Sehun would like to try… just one last time.
“Luhan-hyung,” Sehun says and there’s no turning back now. “I still love you.”
It’s the first time he’s saying it out loud and nothing feels better than finally letting it out. Sehun expected Luhan not to say anything, like he always has in the past few years. Just accepting his feelings with no intention to reciprocate.
There’s a forced smile lingering on his lips before he starts laughing and it sounds so sad coming from his mouth no matter how beautiful the sound of it is. “You still haven’t gotten over your crush on me, huh?”
Sehun can feel himself growing smaller and smaller like the dot he watches of when the ferry leaves. He wonders how many times he has to feel this way before he’ll get sick of it.
“Hyung, I’m serious.” Sehun says his voice growing low. He’s holding himself back even if he can already taste the saltiness of his tears in between his lips. There’s this look on Luhan’s face, he can’t tell if he’s feeling pained or pity.
“It’s been years, hyung… I still haven’t gotten over you. Tell me… is this not love?” Sehun’s voice falters and breaks, and as much as he feels his voice grow smaller. He musters up all that’s left in his strength to make himself clear. “You made me want to realize my dream. You are my best friend. You made me feel less lonely at a time I felt like everyone would leave. You were the only one that I chose that I can’t do without in my life.”
“Hyung… tell me if I’m wrong. Tell me that you don’t miss me. Tell me that you don’t want this. Tell me you don’t need me in your life as much as I need you. Tell me this isn’t love.” Sehun chokes on his tears. His voice growing deeper with each syllable. Sehun closes his eyes and the tears just keep falling. He’s never made himself appear to be so vulnerable, but it’s who he is with just the thought of not having Luhan in his life. “Just tell me and I’ll stop…”
Luhan doesn’t tell him anything. Nothing but silence fills each nook and cranny of the room and Sehun isn’t sure if this is means acceptance or rejection. Sehun is careful when he leans in until he can feel Luhan’s breath fanning on his skin.
Luhan’s eyes are glistening with tears, and so is his. Luhan doesn’t flinch or escape his eye contact and it almost felt like forever before Sehun grabs Luhan by the neck and kisses him.
It’s innocent and pure, the gentle wind from the opened window brushes gently on their skin. Sehun’s heart is on an overdrive and his senses are hyper aware with his closed lids. He presses harder, and it isn’t so much of a kiss when it’s just the both of their lips pressed hardly against each other.
But somehow Sehun feels himself tearing through his facade and bearing his soul as his heart drops with each second that Luhan doesn’t respond.
Luhan is Sehun’s first love. Sehun does know what love is. It’s drinking from chocolate milk boxes outside the patio and study sessions at night. It’s walking late at night and sneaking inside through windows. It’s watching the ferry turn into a small dot and anticipating for the next time it’ll come back with his heart. Love is Luhan.
Now that Sehun knows, he inches his lips farther and tilts his forehead to lean on Luhan’s own. Before opening his eyes looks at his best friend straight in the eye. Shock is evident in his eyes. Sehun thumbs on the surface of Luhan’s swollen lips. It’s as if he’s longing to bring it back, to feel love on his lips even if he knows it’s a one-way street.
Sehun isn’t selfish. He knows more than anything now that between the two of them, Luhan values their friendship the most.
“How long will you be staying?” Sehun asks.
“Two more days…” Luhan croaks out. Sehun nods before disentangling himself and inviting Luhan on the bed that’s fit for two.
Once morning came, they’re back at it again, pretending that the night before didn’t exist. The next day was spent catching up with the amount of time they’ve spent apart. Luhan tells him about university and drinking out at night. Sehun tells him of entrance exams and the Jongin or Soojung who he spent an immense amount of time with when the hours he used to spend with Luhan became vacant. They spend the next night huddled together on Luhan’s bed, just like old times.
Luhan’s leaving early in the morning and Grandmother Lu’s decided to let Sehun see Luhan off himself instead of her. He decides to wear his best dress shirt and jeans even when he opts to wear the old white Converses that don’t even look white anymore.
The other passengers were already boarding the vessel and yet the both of them stay unmoving as Sehun is unable to say goodbye. It’s silly, because they’ll most likely see each other again in less than a month. But Sehun’s only given himself until today before he says goodbye to his first love. He’ll always love Luhan, it’s something he can’t do without. But he just has to stop wishing for a pipe dream to come true and accept that being best friends is all that they’ll ever be.
Sehun already knows what love is, he just isn’t the one meant for Luhan. But it’s okay. Sehun is okay with this. Friends. Best friends. One day he’ll be able to stop wearing the plastic ring that’s chipped off its original color and learn to set it aside inside a memory box of a friendship so important that even an unrequited love could not break.
It was Luhan who initiated the hug when Sehun’s didn’t seem like he’d make a move, but it was Sehun who was gripping on him tighter, unwilling to let go. He bites on his quivering lips and this isn’t supposed to be that sad but Sehun couldn’t help himself.
“Hyung.” Sehun whispers. There is a smile lingering on his lips even when the saline liquid was on the verge of falling from the bottom of his lids. It feels strangely nostalgic. He wonders how he’s loved Luhan for so long knowing that he’s setting himself up for disappointment. “Thank you for being my best friend.”
Somewhere in between friendship and love, Sehun should regret ever letting himself find out what love is. But he doesn’t, because loving Luhan isn’t something Sehun will ever learn to regret.
Sehun can feel Luhan inching farther away from his grip but he refuses to let go. Just for a few more seconds, he tells himself. But he feels both of Luhan’s hands snake its way on his cheeks, pushing his face backwards before he feels a pair of soft lips moving on top of his.
Oh.
Luhan was kissing him, and it takes him a few seconds before he decides to reciprocate. Sehun’s grip on Luhan loosens and Luhan takes one hand away from his cheek to fist on his dress shirt that would surely leave wrinkles in its wake. Sehun can hear his heart beating its way out of his chest and they’re so close he can tell that Luhan’s is beating in sync with his.
They only part when the ferry boat signals a horn and they’re reminded that Luhan has to board in a few minutes. Luhan flattens his palm on Sehun’s shirt as if doing so would flatten the creases out and Sehun just laughs at the gesture.
“Your university’s only three subway stations away from mine. I think we might be able to find time to meet each other once in awhile every week. There’s this place near my university that sells bubble tea. It’s good. I can tell that you’ll love it.“ Luhan says, fixing the collar of Sehun’s shirt.
“Hyung…” Luhan caresses his face and cradles Sehun’s cheek in his hand. That’s when Sehun feels the plastic pressing softly on the surface of his skin. Sehun brings his hand to hold Luhan’s and he thumbs on the surface of the plastic ring round tight on his fourth finger.
Luhan flips his hand to entangle their fingers like vines intertwined. “I think you’re old enough to know what love is. I believe you.”
“Then does that mean..?” Sehun asks, quite unsure with the turn of events. It all seems too good to be true.
“Yeah…” Luhan smiles, before pursing his lips. “I left my number stuck on your refrigerator door. Call me once you’ve settled yourself at the dorms. I’ll see you in two weeks. Have fun with your vacation with Jongin and Soojung.”
Sehun watches Luhan step inside ferry and watches him move up to the deck where he waves at Sehun. The boat takes its voyage not long after and they just stare at each other as much as they can until the ferry becomes nothing but a small dot lost at sea. In two weeks, that’ll be him, with his two other best friends who he’ll spend the last days at the island they grew up in with fun-filled days before farewell.
Sehun no longer feels lonely. He’s more than willing to try and find his purpose in this life now that he knows.
Sehun is eighteen, his favorite pair of white Converses are worn out on his feet and it barely even fits him anymore that he has to keep the back of his feet out in the open. The side of the left pair’s been overwritten just in the morning with a Sehan unbeknownst to Sehun. What Sehun doesn’t know is that on the right pair of the sneaker, Luhan’s written five blocks of deliberately broken Korean--five like the number of years Sehun’s spent loving his hyung; and something that Sehun has yet to find out.
Neo. Dae. Seo. Rong. Ha.
Author’s Note: hello i just wanted to write a simple story with this prompt! I do apologize if the story tells more than it shows (or how some parts are vague or seem chopped lol). but i do hope i gave justice to the prompt! ;A; oh and if anyone is wondering about what Neo. Dae. Seo. Rong. Ha. is supposed to mean... It’s the wrong way of writing ‘Nado Saranghae’ in Korean, which basically means I love you too. TAT lol anw thank u for reading!