#224: Primrose
From: peachbubbletea
Title: Primrose
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 6,400
Summary: Luhan dreams of Sehun every night, not knowing that those were the memories he had spent with him before.
Warning/s: mentions of chanbaek and sesoo, angst, slight infidelity
在哪里, 在哪里见过你
你的笑容这样熟悉
我一时想不起
啊, 在梦里
I wonder where on earth, where on earth have I seen you?
Your smile is so familiar to me
But I still cannot remember where
Ah~, I saw it in my dreams
-Luhan, Tian Mi Mi
It was winter when Sehun recalled the day the heavens descended - the day he wishes to forget. From then on, his life began when he slumped onto the cold tiles of the hospital, or when he decided to put his trust on those needles and tubes that he loathes the most, but are the ones that keep Luhan living, or in other words, trying to give life to him, for the boy’s life barely hangs on a thread.
“Sehun, I know I’ve said this for multiple times already, but please be careful not to trigger his memory the moment he wakes up. It may be too traumatic for him to handle.” Chanyeol warned after checking Luhan’s condition.
Sehun sighed, sinking on his chair. His best friend took a glance at him, pity showing through his eyes, before patting his back and leaving the room.
Sehun barely registered what the doctor had said as he was completely immersed on how the snow fell outside of the window. It is freezing outside, yet the people seem happy, too happy, while he’s filled with remorse and guilt. Despite the busy city and crowded streets, he found himself admiring the boy lying beside him.
The whirling sound of the machines, the tubes connected to the sleeping boy’s arms, along with his uncomfortably cold hands, the setting became a norm for Sehun. He clasped his lover’s hand and intertwined it with his.
“Wake up princess,” He said while running his fingers through Luhan’s dull hair which by now blocks his eyes. “It’s been three months already.”
Others might think that the idea is so absurd, talking to someone who’s barely living, but Sehun believes that Luhan can hear him and is listening to him. He likes to think that his voice will serve as a guidance for Luhan to be able to find his way back to reality.
The grip on Luhan’s hand tightened as Sehun failed to suppress his tears. “I miss you so much.”
***
As the winter dies down and spring transpires, Sehun saw how the flowers bloom, painting his surroundings. That was when Luhan woke up just like the flowers, silently yet exquisitely.
Sehun knows that he’s the most beautiful flower - the only flower that brings colours to his monochromatic world, and the greatest gift of the spring.
With half-lidded eyes, Luhan scanned his surroundings. White walls and the sterile smell engulfs him. The world stilled as Sehun met those brown orbs again, the same ones that rendered him speechless all the time. Luhan faced the man sitting beside him, confusion plastered all over his face.
Luhan hesitated at first, knowing that it seems inappropriate to ask, but his head throbs and there are so many questions running inside his mind right now.
“I… may I ask w-who are you?”
That was when his hopes crumbled down, just like how the snow melts as the winter vanishes. Sehun knew this will come and he should’ve listened when the doctor told him not to get his hopes up.
Hesitating whether he should dismiss his question or answer him, Sehun chose the latter. Afterall, Luhan deserves to know.
He knows that his decision will make the both of them suffer, but he opted to become selfless for Luhan. He took a deep breath before uttering the words that will bring them both back to square one.
“I’m Sehun, your best friend.”
***
“Where’s Luhan?” A high-pitched squeal can be heard as soon as Sehun opened the door, followed by a series of shushes. There stood a small brunette, followed by his doctor, or as he referred to as Doctor Park.
Luhan tries to sit up to welcome whoever went to visit them, that was until he was immediately tackled by the brunette.
“You have no idea how much I’ve missed you. Are you okay?” The smaller one says as he engulfs Luhan into a tight hug. Luhan, having an inner dilemma, awkwardly pats the brunette’s back. “I…I’m fine.”
Noticing that there’s something wrong, the brunette frowns and immediately entangles himself from Luhan and faces Sehun, looking for answers. The taller just shook his head and the smaller’s eyes averted to Chanyeol, who only shrugged, “I told you so.”
Confused, Luhan looked at the three of them before hearing the brunette whispered some profanities. That’s when he felt the guilt for not remembering. It is ineluctable, yet he blames himself for hurting others. He bowed his head, trying his best to hide himself, a habit that he developed everytime he wasn’t able to answer some questions that Sehun or his doctor ask.
Seeing Luhan trying to shrink himself in front of others again, Sehun immediately went to the boy’s side not before tapping Baekhyun’s back, urging him to say something.
Setting aside the awkwardness, Baekhyun cleared his throat. “Well Luhan, I’m Byun Baekhyun, your best friend.”
Pulling him out of his reverie, Luhan looked up only to meet Baekhyun’s face grinning at him, his eyes disappearing with it.
“Why does it seems like all of you were my best friends before.” Luhan scratched the back of his neck as he laughs awkwardly. “I mean when I woke up, Sehun claimed that he’s my best friend, and now, you also said so yourself that you are my best friend, I wouldn’t be surprised if Doctor Park used to be my best friend too.”
Sehun sighs, shaking his head in the process. “I… I’ll be back.”
He excused himself not escaping the eyes of the two, eyes that are filled with questions, but Sehun left them unanswered. He forced a weak smile, hoping that it will convince them that he’s fine.
Both Baekhyun and Chanyeol knew that Sehun will never be fine. Being together with someone without his own memories, Sehun hides Luhan from his past, their past, in order to protect him, yet ends up torturing himself in the process. Sehun became a man tormented by the truth, which in turn making them into lies just so that he can bask Luhan’s world into perfection, for as Sehun always says, Luhan does not deserve any of this suffering.
As if remembering an important task, a prized possession, Baekhyun grabbed Luhan’s arm. “Where’s your ring?” Baekhyun asked as he fiddle Luhan’s fingers with his eager hands.
Luhan frowns, eyes averting from side to side. “I cannot remember. I’m not sure if I got a ring in the first place.”
Panicking, Baekhyun tried his best to calm down and asked Luhan again, “The moment you woke up, haven’t you noticed a ring?”
“I’m sorry. I think… I mean, I really can’t remember.” Luhan answers, placing his hands on his lap. Baekhyun knew their conversations are going to be limited, but all he needed is assurance, to know that there will be an end to Sehun’s sufferings.
“The ring! The one that Se-“
“Baek, stop.” Chanyeol said simply but authoritatively, cutting Baekhyun off. The smaller one loosens his grip on Luhan and looked at him only to find sadness mirroring his own orbs.
Perhaps fate likes to play to those people whose knots are bound to be tied, making them fall into an abyss of pain and agony. Perhaps time bombs and accidents are always there, ticking into oblivion, ready to wreck a relationship in just a matter of time and circumstance, with no exceptions.
“I think you need to rest first. You’re still weak.” The doctor takes over and fixed Luhan’s blanket. “Baekhyun and I will accompany you until Sehun comes back.” He assured.
Luhan only bobbed his head and followed the doctor’s orders. After finding a comfortable position, he immediately closed his eyes. The beeping sounds lulling him to sleep, but Luhan’s mind still lingers on the ring that Baekhyun asked a while ago.
The sky is painted with cerulean and golden hues, a myriad of flowers surrounding him, yet he couldn’t admire the beauty that surrounds him for he was captivated by the man beside him. His gazes seemed useless, since the sun’s rays block his view, making him unable to see the man’s face properly. But this light, fluttering feeling is there, Luhan knows.
Flooded with euphoria, he didn’t notice the man halted his steps, causing him to abruptly cease his movements too.
“A kid told me before that it’s pointless to admire flowers.” The man calls out, making the smaller furrow his brows. He distinguished the man’s voice as his home, the one he has grown to love for the past few years, but there’s a hint of seriousness along with it right now.
“Along with their existence lies beauty that captivates you, though if we look at the bigger picture, they’re one of those creatures who have a very short life span, and the time we spent with them seemed so insignificant.”
“But here we are right now, in the middle of these blossoms.” The latter engulfs him into a hug, which makes Luhan bury his face into the taller’s chest and reciprocates the hug.
“Because I’ve fallen in love,” he continued, “and I want to let him know that even if these colours surround us, he will always be the brightest and most radiant flower in my eyes.”
Silence envelops them, only their synced heartbeats and the light breeze can be heard. Luhan felt the arms around his body loosen, and he was forced to face the man in front of him.
“I don’t think I’ll be able to live without him by my side.”
A shiver runs through Luhan as he tries to understand what the man in front of him is implying. Soon enough, he found the man was down on one knee and holding out a simple golden ring.
“Will you marry me?”
Luhan felt stiff the moment he wakes up. The dream seems so surreal, but at the same time it struck him. He could almost feel the warmth and tenderness when the man hugged him. In spite of that, he hasn't had a chance to see the man’s face, making him think twice if it really did happen. After all, it seems like the man was only a figment of his imagination.
He rubbed his eyes and scanned his surroundings. Sehun was sitting beside him, his head on the bed while hands held his smaller ones gently. Trying to sit up, he carefully removed his hands on Sehun’s grasp, but as if Sehun felt the sudden loss of contact, the taller woke up groggily.
“I’m sorry I woke you up.” Luhan apologises. Sehun looks concerned, fearing that Luhan had a relapse and triggered something inside him.
“What happened? Are you all right?” He was about to stand up, probably to call Chanyeol, but Luhan stopped him and laughs lightly as he shakes his head.
“I’m fine. I just had a dream.” He exclaimed as he bask a small smile, trying to assure the latter.
“What about it?” Sehun asks worriedly.
Luhan automatically buries himself further into the blanket, leaving only the half of his face uncovered. He fixated his gaze on Sehun, his hazel eyes boring into Sehun’s as he shared his dream.
Like a kaleidoscope of memories hitting him like a bullet train, Sehun finds himself standing at the edge of the cliff. It’s funny how he tried his best to bury the past, shedding all of their memories, yet he knew it’s impossible for Luhan to forget. But the idea of Luhan remembering their past through his dreams left him weeping whenever Luhan sleeps.
***
Summer means staying at home, people trying their best not to indulge themselves to activities that will make them sweat a ton. As for Sehun, summer means keeping all of Luhan’s precious belongings; his painting materials.
Amidst of the sweat trickling down his forehead, he scanned the room that was once supposed to be where Luhan resides, claiming that it is his personal room. Seeing the room almost empty, with the marks on the wall, the colours of the past, and the scars in his heart, desolation struck him.
The memory still fresh in his mind, the first time Luhan painted something for him was during summer.
The couple stroll around the area in the midst of the hot, scorching sun. It was exceptionally hot today, yet the smaller one chose to drag their butts off the couch that day.
“I should be used to your random energy spikes.” Sehun mumbled as he let the smaller drag him. Luhan is a kid indeed, demanding his partner to do bizarre things whenever he is in the mood. Unfortunately, Luhan heard this and playfully pinched the taller.
“Excuse you Mr. I-need-to-help-Chanyeol-confess-to-Baekhyun, should I remind you that I barely saw you last week and this week? I can’t believe that Chanyeol snatched you away from me just to save his poor soul.”
Sehun raised a brow. “I explained everything beforehand right? And you’re the one begging me to force Chanyeol to make a move already.”
“I can’t stand Baekhyun’s ramblings!” Luhan’s face twitches. “I went to meet up with him and he’s practically shoving those flowers on my face, and I kid you not, I love Baekhyun but he is getting on my nerves yesterday with his squealing.”
“Seems like my suggestion worked.” Sehun says, missing the scowl on Luhan’s face.
“That was your idea?” Luhan says, sounding harsh without meaning to.
“Yeah.” Sehun replies, frowning a bit for some unknown reason. Luhan seems displeased. “Is there a problem?”
Luhan bit his lip, replying with fervour. “They are pretty, but practically speaking, they will wilt nonetheless.”
Sehun confusedly stares at him. “What’s so bad about them?”
“I never said anything about them being bad, it’s just that their life span is so short.” Luhan says dryly. “Observe them after a week, they’ll be pretty much dead by that time.”
He heaves a sigh, trying to understand why Luhan is so burned up by his idea. ‘It might be because of the weather’, he thought.
“You know what, let’s just go back.” Luhan said as he waves him off.
Sehun shrugs, following Luhan’s footsteps. ‘Definitely because of the weather.’
They returned after a while, conversations pop out of nowhere, yet something about Luhan seems off ever since they came back, Sehun notices.
Habits die hard, and Sehun knows a habit that Luhan does whenever something is bothering him. The day is almost over, yet Sehun cannot fathom what’s going on, and even with countless assurance from Luhan, he’s still eager to know.
He quietly left his bed, taking long strides to the room farthest from his.
For a moment, Sehun wants to take a step back, because Luhan seems to be too engrossed on his painting, and he might disrupt him, yet he’s too concerned for his lover, and knew that Luhan will not stop whatever he’s doing unless he finished it.
“Still awake?” Sehun asked, but those words came out as mumblings.
Luhan nodded meekly, as he added some final touches. Sehun wondered what keeps Luhan so occupied that he would rather trade his sleeping hours just to finish a painting.
Being the good boyfriend he is, Sehun dragged a chair beside his lover, watching his face concentrated on his painting. Oh, how he adored the way Luhan furrow his brows as he blends the colours, or when he crinkle his nose every now and then. It is indeed a sight to behold, for Sehun sees another side of Luhan, a sight that only those who are dear to him are able to witness.
Bewitched by Luhan, he didn’t notice the smaller drop his brush. “Done!”
Luhan then stared at his finished piece for a few seconds, before turning to his side to face Sehun. “What do you think?”
Sehun pried his gaze away from Luhan and stared at the canvas.
“Sun and moon depicts us, don’t you think?” Luhan says, as he smiles a little. “I mean, they both lie on the Milky Way, yet the chances that they will meet each other are very slim.”
Sehun leans forward, intrigued, as he tries to get a better view of Luhan’s painting. “During an eclipse, that’s when they’ll meet.” He added.
Luhan hummed in agreement. “To put it this way, I really didn’t expect us to end to this.”
Sehun absentmindedly reached for Luhan’s hand, intertwining it with his.
“As for the argument earlier,” Luhan pauses, contemplating if he should explain or just refrain himself from embarrassment.
Sehun noticed his discomfort, and gave a buzz on Luhan’s hand. “Go on.”
“I made this since I want this memory to last forever, not just a flower that’s going to vanish anytime soon. I know, I’m too shallow.” Luhan pouts.
“First of all, you’re not shallow, you’re just too appreciative of even the tiniest things.” Sehun insists. “And also, I appreciate your effort, but you don’t have to do this.”
“You don’t like it?”
“Of course it is perfect, but baby, just you spending your time with me is more than enough. Giving this means so much more. And I assure you, this will last forever.” Sehun says, tugging Luhan closer to him.
“You’ll always be worth it anyway.” Luhan replies, and planted a kiss on Sehun’s cheek.
That night, the two left the room with smiles plastered on their faces, drifting to dreamland hand in hand.
Sehun scoffs as he remembered that day, asking how that memory fades too fast, as if it was never there in the first place. It is a twisted fate indeed.
***
Luhan’s second major relapse happened in fall.
Dried leaves painted the city with dull gold and red. Most people hated the idea of autumn. It might be due to the fact that winter is approaching, forcing everyone to be as bundled up as possible, or it might be because of those wilted flowers and perished leaves, scattered around the whole area and obliquely create a huge mess.
Sitting on one of those wooden benches, Luhan admired the autumn’s gift. For the past few months after he left the hospital, he never ceased to appreciate everything, and never took anything for granted. Knowing that he was given another chance, he ought to himself not to spend his life criticising the world and point its imperfections rather than to be eternally grateful.
It’s easy to say that he stopped trying to remember his past. If he were to be imprisoned by his own past, the past that even his body denied to remember, then he will miss the life he’s living right now in which he should be creating new memories instead of locking himself inside an abyss of bygone years.
He felt a tap on his shoulder, and soon the person finally moves into his vision. “Let’s go?” Sehun asked as he offered his hand.
“Hmm.” Luhan nodded as he took his hand, a faint smile touching his lips.
They walk passed by the numerous shops and restaurants within the city, even passing the part of the area where it never sleeps, that is, the countless bars and clubs.
Everything screams familiarity, yet Luhan could not grasp the memory for it seems so vague.
Shifting his bag on his shoulder, his other hand still intertwined with Sehun’s, Luhan successfully dismissed the distressing thought, and followed Sehun on the way home. That was until he had another dream that night.
Huddled inside his warm blanket while watching a tragic movie or even reading about a failed romance are Luhan’s ideas of unwinding after the week of finals, but he found himself standing in the middle of the crowd, sweaty bodies clinging to one another. The supposed to be faint smell of coffee that engulfs his senses turned out to be alcohol and cigarettes, those which Luhan was never a fan of. He prayed for his poor ears as loud cheers filled the club, the hype seeming to never cease any moment soon.
Luhan never imagined his life inside a fairytale. Those princes who will come and save their damsels in distress, because in the first place, who needs saving anyway?
He made his way upstairs, where he’s able to view the dance floor properly. Those people whom he worked with last term for their research are having the time of their lives. Even the couple next door seem to be enjoying the party, yet he has never felt so out of place.
His train of thoughts was disrupted when a man stood beside him. Luhan tilted his head to face the man. Blazing lights blinded his vision, but he couldn’t deny the aura that surrounds the latter. From then on, Luhan knew that he’s one of those people that his mom will always tell him not to meddle with. The man is a walking threat, a danger himself. One might not be able to pick the perfect adjective to describe him; exhausted, abused, torn, withered. A man who could drink down a bottle of beer as easily as counting his steps. Yet as absurd as it sounds, Luhan wanted to take the risk and not to dismiss the man’s presence.
“I never knew you’re also into this.” The man said as he toyed with his cup, his gaze fixated on the dance floor. “Luhan, Fine Arts Department’s best painter, attending a college party? What a sight to behold.” He added, almost sounding mockingly.
Hearing the taller’s remark, Luhan regretted acknowledging him and tried his best to disregard the latter, yet he caught a glimpse of the man through his peripheral vision, smirking manically, which puts Luhan on edge. “I bet you’re younger than me.” Luhan scoffs. “Only those who are younger than me have the guts to talk to me informally.”
He shook his head at the absurdity of his remark, but he responds anyway.
“Says the one who actually looks like a kid.” The taller replies in a monotonous tone, not missing the creases forming on Luhan’s forehead. “If you think I’m making fun out of you, you’re wrong. I’m just stating the truth.”
Luhan sighs as he drifts his attention back to his friends.
“Why don’t you go downstairs and join others? Your face says it all.” The man suggested after a moment of silence.
“I don’t think I’ll do good down there.” He peered over his shoulder. “They’re a bunch of social butterflies.”
When he thought the man stopped bugging him, he suddenly felt a hand wrapped around his right wrist, tugging him gently. In the midst of the loud cheering and music, he was able to hear the man’s idea, loud and clear. “What are you doing inside a club when you’re not enjoying yourself?”
Luhan should’ve known better than to accept the man’s offer, yet after an hour or so, he found himself sitting beside the man, countless topics blurted out and bottles of beer emptied, but Luhan knows he’s still sober enough to realise the growing attraction that he felt that night.
That was when Luhan first met him, the man who saved his lonely soul, and he fell for him hard.
***
Winter is the season full of broken promises and unheard pleads.
Sehun wakes up to the smell of brewing coffee and Luhan calling his name softly. He lethargically rolls out of the bed, shaking his head a few times as Luhan tries to fix his disheveled hair.
“Merry Christmas.” Luhan greets gleefully.
‘Ah, how wonderful it is to have a good morning on a Christmas Day’, Sehun thought as he reciprocates Luhan’s grin. “Merry Christmas, Luhan.”
After the meek smiles and greetings, both of them went downstairs. Sehun was about to sit down when a small envelope caught his attention. Two tickets to Sokcho greeted him. “You haven’t told me you’re planning a vacation.”
Luhan settled beside him, explaining why he got the tickets in the first place. “Ah, I forgot to tell you. Baekhyun dropped by the other day and handed me these.” He paused for a moment before averting his gaze to his hands. “I’m not sure what to do with those to be honest. Well, I’d likely go with you, but who would want to go to the beach on winter?”
Just three hours and Sehun found himself driving, with Luhan sleeping soundly beside him. He glances at Luhan from time to time, making sure that the smaller is in comfortable. When the traffic light turns to red, he suddenly recalls their conversation earlier.
“Who would want to go to the beach on winter huh?” He snickers bitterly, tears threatening to fall.
The skies are grey and unfriendly. Two people clasping their hands tightly, as if they’re being crafted to hold each other.
The society be damned, right now, what matters the most is that they’re together, in a place devoid of disgusted stares and judgements.
“I’ve decided to donate all of my paintings for the orphanage right here.” Luhan started. “Seeing the kids with fondness and happiness is worth it.”
“Are you sure about that? You know it’s not everyday we’ll be able to visit Sokcho.” Sehun asked worriedly. He knew how precious Luhan’s paintings are, and for him to donate all of those for a good cause, means a big decision.
Luhan hummed in response, affirming Sehun that his decision is final.
“If that’s what you want.”
One step after another, both of them hear the waves crashing against boulders and the wild winter wind, yet they found tranquility in each others’ hands.
“Do you think we will meet each other in the next lifetime?” Luhan raised the question curiously in the midst of silence.
Sehun opted to dismiss the question, as he tighten his hold on Luhan’s fingers, an action that Luhan has grown to love.
“I’m just wondering,” Luhan explains, squeezing Sehun’s hand. “what if there’s another Sehun and Luhan in the future? Do you think they will be able to meet each other? Perhaps fall in love with each other too. Will that Sehun be as bold as the Sehun beside me right now, who disrespected me the first time we met?” Luhan chuckles at the memory. “Or maybe it will be the other way around. Me chasing you, you’ll like that right?”
Sehun halted his steps and forced Luhan to look at him, his brown orbs pouring all his emotions, screaming all the words he’s unable to say.
“I don’t see myself going anywhere without you right now, what makes you think I will let a lifetime pass without you by my side?”
“Then, will you find me if I lost my way home?”
Sehun nodded his head frantically. “I’ll make sure I will be able to find you.”
A smile. “I’m glad to hear that.”
Sehun leans his head towards Luhan’s face and presses his lips against Luhan’s. He closes his eyes when the smaller reciprocated the kiss, with his fingers found their way to his hair.
It is the middle of winter, and amidst the harsh winds and chapped lips, here is Luhan. Here is warmth. Here is home.
Luhan found Sehun’s assurance, yet it wasn’t the same for Sehun. He wanted to ask if Luhan will do the same, not because he doubts his lover, but he also seeks for assurance, but those words died down even before he had the chance to open his mouth.
Words can sometimes fall short.
Sehun saw how their footprints were washed away by the waves, seeming to tell that there is nothing permanent in this world. Just like the waves, which depicts inconstancy, and the winter, as it froze their once fleeting moment.
They’re standing right beside each other but it feels like Luhan is living in an alternate universe - a place where Sehun exists but with the absence of the love they’ve once shared.
***
Luhan’s relapses has taken a toll on Sehun, especially when he continuously dreams of the memories he had with Sehun before, not knowing that he was the one inside those dreams.
“I hate seeing you like this right now.” Chanyeol tears the silence down. The doctor managed to drag Sehun out of the house, asking Baekhyun to stay with Luhan for the time being in return. The moment they’ve arrived in Chanyeol’s apartment, Sehun immediately went to the kitchen and grabbed a few bottles of beer. “It’s not only Luhan who’s suffering, but you too!”
Sehun sighs as he opens another bottle, dissolving Chanyeol’s pleas.
“You’ll kill me for raising this idea, but we can try treating him. We can try therapy, or triggering his memory by having the scene happen again.” Chanyeol suggested while looking at his best friend pitifully.
“No, I don’t want him to suffer the same hell again. I’d rather remain things this way.” Sehun bitterly laughed.
“But he’s having those dreams for months now! Even if we try our best to keep the truth from him, his old self along with his past memories are the ones who push these relapses.”
“I’d rather chose for our memories to disappear, than to hurt him again.”
“Well, to disappear means to obliterate, and I know you made wonderful memories with him before the accident happened, so I wouldn’t really wish for Luhan to forget those.” Chanyeol said.
It is so evident that memories tend to return like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle, yet Sehun wished that Luhan will not remember those things.
“I want to make him happy. If he is happy then I’m happy. The simplicity of it is so baffling that I’m still confused.”
Chanyeol just sat there, watching how devastated his best friend is. It’s so easy to feel the pain, the grief and anxiety, yet all he could do is to listen.
“Luhan has been and will always be a great part of my life, and even though I’m only a small part of him, I’m eternally grateful.”
“I can clearly remember back then when he bugs you every time he cannot paint something and you will eventually listen to his whining overtime.” Chanyeol lets out a small, sad chuckle.
Sehun smiled sadly, reminiscing those days. “I love him so much and I die every time I realise there is barely hope to get better.” Sehun massaged his temples and closes his eyes, letting his tears stream down his face.
Love is a battlefield, a war in which you should be prepared, hurting itself comes with it.
Sehun finds it amusing. How this twisted love story of them seems so beautiful yet so tragic, that no one seems to understand.
***
Plates cracking, walls pounding, and Luhan’s hysterical cries filled the middle of the night.
That night should be just like any other nights, Sehun will come home from work and the smaller will greet him, they will eat together and watch a movie afterwards and they will kiss each other goodnight. But fate seems to be playing with them right now, as Luhan opened the door only to find a drunk Sehun, emitting a scent that makes Luhan nauseous.
He sighed. Sehun really loves drinking, but he refrained himself from drinking almost everyday after he met Luhan. The smaller, being a good boyfriend he is, let’s Sehun join his co-workers partying from time to time.
Luhan was about to change Sehun’s clothes, when he saw his finance’s neck decorated with hickeys. With shaking hands, Luhan unbuttoned Sehun’s dress shirt, when Sehun dropped the bomb.
“Kyungsoo…”
Hands immediately flung to cover his mouth, trying not to create a sound.
It was a mistake. It is unavoidable for adults to throw a party, especially since they're standing the same ground, and above all else, he trusts Sehun, yet Luhan didn’t expect a name to roll out of Sehun’s mouth.
An accident. Luhan tells himself as he hiccups.
Sehun jolted as he heard small sniffs in front of him. Slowly opening his eyes, he found his fiancé on his knees, brimming with tears. A sight Sehun never wanted to see.
In an instant, Sehun cradles Luhan into his lap, engulfing the smaller one into a hug. A series of shushes, ‘what’s wrong’ and ‘please stop crying’ can be heard as he tries his best to console Luhan. That was when he felt a strong push that made Luhan break out of his embrace.
“Who’s Kyungsoo?” Luhan asked grimly.
In that moment, Sehun knew this is where things start to go downhill.
At first Sehun tried his best to explain calmly, yet after a few times, yelling and snapping of things surround them. He wanted to clear everything, but he isn’t sober enough to talk composedly, thus he argued back, and he should’ve refrain himself from saying too much.
“Kyungsoo and I had sex! Are you happy now?!”
A slap resonated the whole house, followed by a suffocating silence.
"Am I not good enough?" Luhan asks.
With a hunched back the man, looking almost like a frail, lost boy left the house, leaving a man full of regrets and words hanging.
Sehun waited. He waited for Luhan's return. He beams when his phone rings and saw his lover's number. But what he didn't expect was a different voice, carrying a different message, too far from what Sehun has been expecting.
Not wasting any second, Sehun went out and hopped inside his car, driving too fast for anyone's safety. He paid no heed when other cars are honking at him, for he needs to be with Luhan right now. He knows that every second matters.
He arrived at the scene, where a crowd filled half of the highway. He immediately asked a police at the scene, trying to grasp what has happened.
"There's a collision between a car and a motorcycle, unfortunately, a citizen was also dragged into the scene. Some people have said that the boy was barely looking on his side as he crosses the street, that's why he didn't notice the motorcycle and the car." The police explains.
Sehun trudges forward, alongside with the police, and the police got the idea. "We saw him after the collision and you're the one on his speed dial."
He trembles at the sight. He wanted to rush to his lover’s unconscious body, yet at the same time he’s afraid of holding him, for it might confirm something that will turn his life to an ocean of tears.
As the crowd gets bigger and bigger, Sehun gulped, pushing a lump on his throat before taking careful steps to his is lover. With trembling hands, he holds the bloodied ones. Too cold, Sehun realises as he clasped the smaller’s hands. If not for the medics rushing towards them and dragging Luhan’s body away from him, he might have missed the faint beatings of Luhan’s heart.
Sehun has never felt tears sting so much, dampening his skin. He’s crying so hard he’s almost blinded. Pain has made its way inside him, plaguing him physically and figuratively. It’s as if his soul broke into irreversible pieces.
***
“We’re going to visit something today.” Sehun said, urging Luhan to change his clothes.
Autumn visits the city with a light drizzle and dry gusts of wind. Sehun prepares this trip for months. Heading to Sokcho again, he tried his best to calm the rapid beatings of his heart.
After some time, the car halted in front of a small yet homely house near the outskirts of the town. Luhan immediately smiles at the sight of flowers surrounding the house, missing the forlorn look on Sehun’s face.
There is merely silence, faint sounds of footsteps, as they entered the house. In fact, it is far to be claimed as a house, for there’s literally nothing inside, except for numerous paintings.
Luhan hesitated to make a move, eyeing Sehun first. “What are we doing here?”
“Long ago, this small house was used for an exhibition, yet after the exhibition, the only paintings left are these.”
Luhan doesn’t miss the small smile that adorn Sehun’s lips for a second. He decided to start walking and check the paintings. Perpetually three steps behind, Sehun examined Luhan’s face evertime he stops in front of a painting.
He smiles as he sees different emotions on Luhan’s face as he tires to understand the paintings, sometimes he would crease his brows and look closer just to see the details, there are also instances where he will gasp once he sees a painting.
His smile vanished when Luhan halted his steps, faint lines forming on his forehead as he stares at a very familiar painting. Out of all the things Sehun could’ve missed, he misses to remove a certain painting.
Don’t come any closer. Sehun wanted to shout, yet he’s a second too late, for the boy is already lost in his thoughts, thinking deeply.
Heaving a sigh, Sehun made his way towards the confused boy.
“Why are you gaping?” He asked, voice full of uncertainty.
“Do you perhaps know who made that?” Luhan asked as he pointed at the painting.
The painting Luhan made for Sehun.
Sehun knew better than telling the truth, knowing that saying what is the truth will not matter anymore, for the one who is in front of him, the person he loves the most, has been oblivious of what’s the truth long ago.
“Why?” Without tearing his gaze away from the painting, Luhan unknowingly touched it, but disconnected his dainty fingers after for he knows it is prohibited. The smaller never realised that the one beside him tries so hard to suppress his tears.
“It feels so light, yet so sad.” Luhan said as he shifted his eyes away from the painting only to meet Sehun’s glassy ones.
As Luhan uttered those words, Sehun unconsciously caressed the ring on his finger, reminding him of what’s the future has to offer them, if that day didn’t happen.
Somewhere between those eyes, Sehun knew that his Luhan still resides. “The painter left a long time ago, leaving only his paintings as a memory. No one knew where he went.”
“That’s sad.” Luhan cocked his head to his side, biting his lower lip. “But, the painter will come back, right?”
There are a lot of things Sehun wanted to say, to refrain Luhan from saying another word, to stop his words from stabbing him, yet all he could do is to agree with what Luhan says.
How cruel can he be if he will extinguish the small flame that sparks inside Luhan?
“It feels oddly familiar, perhaps I dreamt of it before.” A declaration, a flame ignited in the midst of the cold.
“Yes,” Sehun can’t help but hear his words in his own voice. “A beautiful dream.”
Author’s Note: to the mods, thank you for your patience even though i went over the deadline. to the prompter, i hope you’ll enjoy the fic and sorry for the unexpected angst.
Title: Primrose
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 6,400
Summary: Luhan dreams of Sehun every night, not knowing that those were the memories he had spent with him before.
Warning/s: mentions of chanbaek and sesoo, angst, slight infidelity
在哪里, 在哪里见过你
你的笑容这样熟悉
我一时想不起
啊, 在梦里
I wonder where on earth, where on earth have I seen you?
Your smile is so familiar to me
But I still cannot remember where
Ah~, I saw it in my dreams
-Luhan, Tian Mi Mi
It was winter when Sehun recalled the day the heavens descended - the day he wishes to forget. From then on, his life began when he slumped onto the cold tiles of the hospital, or when he decided to put his trust on those needles and tubes that he loathes the most, but are the ones that keep Luhan living, or in other words, trying to give life to him, for the boy’s life barely hangs on a thread.
“Sehun, I know I’ve said this for multiple times already, but please be careful not to trigger his memory the moment he wakes up. It may be too traumatic for him to handle.” Chanyeol warned after checking Luhan’s condition.
Sehun sighed, sinking on his chair. His best friend took a glance at him, pity showing through his eyes, before patting his back and leaving the room.
Sehun barely registered what the doctor had said as he was completely immersed on how the snow fell outside of the window. It is freezing outside, yet the people seem happy, too happy, while he’s filled with remorse and guilt. Despite the busy city and crowded streets, he found himself admiring the boy lying beside him.
The whirling sound of the machines, the tubes connected to the sleeping boy’s arms, along with his uncomfortably cold hands, the setting became a norm for Sehun. He clasped his lover’s hand and intertwined it with his.
“Wake up princess,” He said while running his fingers through Luhan’s dull hair which by now blocks his eyes. “It’s been three months already.”
Others might think that the idea is so absurd, talking to someone who’s barely living, but Sehun believes that Luhan can hear him and is listening to him. He likes to think that his voice will serve as a guidance for Luhan to be able to find his way back to reality.
The grip on Luhan’s hand tightened as Sehun failed to suppress his tears. “I miss you so much.”
***
As the winter dies down and spring transpires, Sehun saw how the flowers bloom, painting his surroundings. That was when Luhan woke up just like the flowers, silently yet exquisitely.
Sehun knows that he’s the most beautiful flower - the only flower that brings colours to his monochromatic world, and the greatest gift of the spring.
With half-lidded eyes, Luhan scanned his surroundings. White walls and the sterile smell engulfs him. The world stilled as Sehun met those brown orbs again, the same ones that rendered him speechless all the time. Luhan faced the man sitting beside him, confusion plastered all over his face.
Luhan hesitated at first, knowing that it seems inappropriate to ask, but his head throbs and there are so many questions running inside his mind right now.
“I… may I ask w-who are you?”
That was when his hopes crumbled down, just like how the snow melts as the winter vanishes. Sehun knew this will come and he should’ve listened when the doctor told him not to get his hopes up.
Hesitating whether he should dismiss his question or answer him, Sehun chose the latter. Afterall, Luhan deserves to know.
He knows that his decision will make the both of them suffer, but he opted to become selfless for Luhan. He took a deep breath before uttering the words that will bring them both back to square one.
“I’m Sehun, your best friend.”
***
“Where’s Luhan?” A high-pitched squeal can be heard as soon as Sehun opened the door, followed by a series of shushes. There stood a small brunette, followed by his doctor, or as he referred to as Doctor Park.
Luhan tries to sit up to welcome whoever went to visit them, that was until he was immediately tackled by the brunette.
“You have no idea how much I’ve missed you. Are you okay?” The smaller one says as he engulfs Luhan into a tight hug. Luhan, having an inner dilemma, awkwardly pats the brunette’s back. “I…I’m fine.”
Noticing that there’s something wrong, the brunette frowns and immediately entangles himself from Luhan and faces Sehun, looking for answers. The taller just shook his head and the smaller’s eyes averted to Chanyeol, who only shrugged, “I told you so.”
Confused, Luhan looked at the three of them before hearing the brunette whispered some profanities. That’s when he felt the guilt for not remembering. It is ineluctable, yet he blames himself for hurting others. He bowed his head, trying his best to hide himself, a habit that he developed everytime he wasn’t able to answer some questions that Sehun or his doctor ask.
Seeing Luhan trying to shrink himself in front of others again, Sehun immediately went to the boy’s side not before tapping Baekhyun’s back, urging him to say something.
Setting aside the awkwardness, Baekhyun cleared his throat. “Well Luhan, I’m Byun Baekhyun, your best friend.”
Pulling him out of his reverie, Luhan looked up only to meet Baekhyun’s face grinning at him, his eyes disappearing with it.
“Why does it seems like all of you were my best friends before.” Luhan scratched the back of his neck as he laughs awkwardly. “I mean when I woke up, Sehun claimed that he’s my best friend, and now, you also said so yourself that you are my best friend, I wouldn’t be surprised if Doctor Park used to be my best friend too.”
Sehun sighs, shaking his head in the process. “I… I’ll be back.”
He excused himself not escaping the eyes of the two, eyes that are filled with questions, but Sehun left them unanswered. He forced a weak smile, hoping that it will convince them that he’s fine.
Both Baekhyun and Chanyeol knew that Sehun will never be fine. Being together with someone without his own memories, Sehun hides Luhan from his past, their past, in order to protect him, yet ends up torturing himself in the process. Sehun became a man tormented by the truth, which in turn making them into lies just so that he can bask Luhan’s world into perfection, for as Sehun always says, Luhan does not deserve any of this suffering.
As if remembering an important task, a prized possession, Baekhyun grabbed Luhan’s arm. “Where’s your ring?” Baekhyun asked as he fiddle Luhan’s fingers with his eager hands.
Luhan frowns, eyes averting from side to side. “I cannot remember. I’m not sure if I got a ring in the first place.”
Panicking, Baekhyun tried his best to calm down and asked Luhan again, “The moment you woke up, haven’t you noticed a ring?”
“I’m sorry. I think… I mean, I really can’t remember.” Luhan answers, placing his hands on his lap. Baekhyun knew their conversations are going to be limited, but all he needed is assurance, to know that there will be an end to Sehun’s sufferings.
“The ring! The one that Se-“
“Baek, stop.” Chanyeol said simply but authoritatively, cutting Baekhyun off. The smaller one loosens his grip on Luhan and looked at him only to find sadness mirroring his own orbs.
Perhaps fate likes to play to those people whose knots are bound to be tied, making them fall into an abyss of pain and agony. Perhaps time bombs and accidents are always there, ticking into oblivion, ready to wreck a relationship in just a matter of time and circumstance, with no exceptions.
“I think you need to rest first. You’re still weak.” The doctor takes over and fixed Luhan’s blanket. “Baekhyun and I will accompany you until Sehun comes back.” He assured.
Luhan only bobbed his head and followed the doctor’s orders. After finding a comfortable position, he immediately closed his eyes. The beeping sounds lulling him to sleep, but Luhan’s mind still lingers on the ring that Baekhyun asked a while ago.
The sky is painted with cerulean and golden hues, a myriad of flowers surrounding him, yet he couldn’t admire the beauty that surrounds him for he was captivated by the man beside him. His gazes seemed useless, since the sun’s rays block his view, making him unable to see the man’s face properly. But this light, fluttering feeling is there, Luhan knows.
Flooded with euphoria, he didn’t notice the man halted his steps, causing him to abruptly cease his movements too.
“A kid told me before that it’s pointless to admire flowers.” The man calls out, making the smaller furrow his brows. He distinguished the man’s voice as his home, the one he has grown to love for the past few years, but there’s a hint of seriousness along with it right now.
“Along with their existence lies beauty that captivates you, though if we look at the bigger picture, they’re one of those creatures who have a very short life span, and the time we spent with them seemed so insignificant.”
“But here we are right now, in the middle of these blossoms.” The latter engulfs him into a hug, which makes Luhan bury his face into the taller’s chest and reciprocates the hug.
“Because I’ve fallen in love,” he continued, “and I want to let him know that even if these colours surround us, he will always be the brightest and most radiant flower in my eyes.”
Silence envelops them, only their synced heartbeats and the light breeze can be heard. Luhan felt the arms around his body loosen, and he was forced to face the man in front of him.
“I don’t think I’ll be able to live without him by my side.”
A shiver runs through Luhan as he tries to understand what the man in front of him is implying. Soon enough, he found the man was down on one knee and holding out a simple golden ring.
“Will you marry me?”
Luhan felt stiff the moment he wakes up. The dream seems so surreal, but at the same time it struck him. He could almost feel the warmth and tenderness when the man hugged him. In spite of that, he hasn't had a chance to see the man’s face, making him think twice if it really did happen. After all, it seems like the man was only a figment of his imagination.
He rubbed his eyes and scanned his surroundings. Sehun was sitting beside him, his head on the bed while hands held his smaller ones gently. Trying to sit up, he carefully removed his hands on Sehun’s grasp, but as if Sehun felt the sudden loss of contact, the taller woke up groggily.
“I’m sorry I woke you up.” Luhan apologises. Sehun looks concerned, fearing that Luhan had a relapse and triggered something inside him.
“What happened? Are you all right?” He was about to stand up, probably to call Chanyeol, but Luhan stopped him and laughs lightly as he shakes his head.
“I’m fine. I just had a dream.” He exclaimed as he bask a small smile, trying to assure the latter.
“What about it?” Sehun asks worriedly.
Luhan automatically buries himself further into the blanket, leaving only the half of his face uncovered. He fixated his gaze on Sehun, his hazel eyes boring into Sehun’s as he shared his dream.
Like a kaleidoscope of memories hitting him like a bullet train, Sehun finds himself standing at the edge of the cliff. It’s funny how he tried his best to bury the past, shedding all of their memories, yet he knew it’s impossible for Luhan to forget. But the idea of Luhan remembering their past through his dreams left him weeping whenever Luhan sleeps.
***
Summer means staying at home, people trying their best not to indulge themselves to activities that will make them sweat a ton. As for Sehun, summer means keeping all of Luhan’s precious belongings; his painting materials.
Amidst of the sweat trickling down his forehead, he scanned the room that was once supposed to be where Luhan resides, claiming that it is his personal room. Seeing the room almost empty, with the marks on the wall, the colours of the past, and the scars in his heart, desolation struck him.
The memory still fresh in his mind, the first time Luhan painted something for him was during summer.
The couple stroll around the area in the midst of the hot, scorching sun. It was exceptionally hot today, yet the smaller one chose to drag their butts off the couch that day.
“I should be used to your random energy spikes.” Sehun mumbled as he let the smaller drag him. Luhan is a kid indeed, demanding his partner to do bizarre things whenever he is in the mood. Unfortunately, Luhan heard this and playfully pinched the taller.
“Excuse you Mr. I-need-to-help-Chanyeol-confess-to-Baekhyun, should I remind you that I barely saw you last week and this week? I can’t believe that Chanyeol snatched you away from me just to save his poor soul.”
Sehun raised a brow. “I explained everything beforehand right? And you’re the one begging me to force Chanyeol to make a move already.”
“I can’t stand Baekhyun’s ramblings!” Luhan’s face twitches. “I went to meet up with him and he’s practically shoving those flowers on my face, and I kid you not, I love Baekhyun but he is getting on my nerves yesterday with his squealing.”
“Seems like my suggestion worked.” Sehun says, missing the scowl on Luhan’s face.
“That was your idea?” Luhan says, sounding harsh without meaning to.
“Yeah.” Sehun replies, frowning a bit for some unknown reason. Luhan seems displeased. “Is there a problem?”
Luhan bit his lip, replying with fervour. “They are pretty, but practically speaking, they will wilt nonetheless.”
Sehun confusedly stares at him. “What’s so bad about them?”
“I never said anything about them being bad, it’s just that their life span is so short.” Luhan says dryly. “Observe them after a week, they’ll be pretty much dead by that time.”
He heaves a sigh, trying to understand why Luhan is so burned up by his idea. ‘It might be because of the weather’, he thought.
“You know what, let’s just go back.” Luhan said as he waves him off.
Sehun shrugs, following Luhan’s footsteps. ‘Definitely because of the weather.’
They returned after a while, conversations pop out of nowhere, yet something about Luhan seems off ever since they came back, Sehun notices.
Habits die hard, and Sehun knows a habit that Luhan does whenever something is bothering him. The day is almost over, yet Sehun cannot fathom what’s going on, and even with countless assurance from Luhan, he’s still eager to know.
He quietly left his bed, taking long strides to the room farthest from his.
For a moment, Sehun wants to take a step back, because Luhan seems to be too engrossed on his painting, and he might disrupt him, yet he’s too concerned for his lover, and knew that Luhan will not stop whatever he’s doing unless he finished it.
“Still awake?” Sehun asked, but those words came out as mumblings.
Luhan nodded meekly, as he added some final touches. Sehun wondered what keeps Luhan so occupied that he would rather trade his sleeping hours just to finish a painting.
Being the good boyfriend he is, Sehun dragged a chair beside his lover, watching his face concentrated on his painting. Oh, how he adored the way Luhan furrow his brows as he blends the colours, or when he crinkle his nose every now and then. It is indeed a sight to behold, for Sehun sees another side of Luhan, a sight that only those who are dear to him are able to witness.
Bewitched by Luhan, he didn’t notice the smaller drop his brush. “Done!”
Luhan then stared at his finished piece for a few seconds, before turning to his side to face Sehun. “What do you think?”
Sehun pried his gaze away from Luhan and stared at the canvas.
“Sun and moon depicts us, don’t you think?” Luhan says, as he smiles a little. “I mean, they both lie on the Milky Way, yet the chances that they will meet each other are very slim.”
Sehun leans forward, intrigued, as he tries to get a better view of Luhan’s painting. “During an eclipse, that’s when they’ll meet.” He added.
Luhan hummed in agreement. “To put it this way, I really didn’t expect us to end to this.”
Sehun absentmindedly reached for Luhan’s hand, intertwining it with his.
“As for the argument earlier,” Luhan pauses, contemplating if he should explain or just refrain himself from embarrassment.
Sehun noticed his discomfort, and gave a buzz on Luhan’s hand. “Go on.”
“I made this since I want this memory to last forever, not just a flower that’s going to vanish anytime soon. I know, I’m too shallow.” Luhan pouts.
“First of all, you’re not shallow, you’re just too appreciative of even the tiniest things.” Sehun insists. “And also, I appreciate your effort, but you don’t have to do this.”
“You don’t like it?”
“Of course it is perfect, but baby, just you spending your time with me is more than enough. Giving this means so much more. And I assure you, this will last forever.” Sehun says, tugging Luhan closer to him.
“You’ll always be worth it anyway.” Luhan replies, and planted a kiss on Sehun’s cheek.
That night, the two left the room with smiles plastered on their faces, drifting to dreamland hand in hand.
Sehun scoffs as he remembered that day, asking how that memory fades too fast, as if it was never there in the first place. It is a twisted fate indeed.
***
Luhan’s second major relapse happened in fall.
Dried leaves painted the city with dull gold and red. Most people hated the idea of autumn. It might be due to the fact that winter is approaching, forcing everyone to be as bundled up as possible, or it might be because of those wilted flowers and perished leaves, scattered around the whole area and obliquely create a huge mess.
Sitting on one of those wooden benches, Luhan admired the autumn’s gift. For the past few months after he left the hospital, he never ceased to appreciate everything, and never took anything for granted. Knowing that he was given another chance, he ought to himself not to spend his life criticising the world and point its imperfections rather than to be eternally grateful.
It’s easy to say that he stopped trying to remember his past. If he were to be imprisoned by his own past, the past that even his body denied to remember, then he will miss the life he’s living right now in which he should be creating new memories instead of locking himself inside an abyss of bygone years.
He felt a tap on his shoulder, and soon the person finally moves into his vision. “Let’s go?” Sehun asked as he offered his hand.
“Hmm.” Luhan nodded as he took his hand, a faint smile touching his lips.
They walk passed by the numerous shops and restaurants within the city, even passing the part of the area where it never sleeps, that is, the countless bars and clubs.
Everything screams familiarity, yet Luhan could not grasp the memory for it seems so vague.
Shifting his bag on his shoulder, his other hand still intertwined with Sehun’s, Luhan successfully dismissed the distressing thought, and followed Sehun on the way home. That was until he had another dream that night.
Huddled inside his warm blanket while watching a tragic movie or even reading about a failed romance are Luhan’s ideas of unwinding after the week of finals, but he found himself standing in the middle of the crowd, sweaty bodies clinging to one another. The supposed to be faint smell of coffee that engulfs his senses turned out to be alcohol and cigarettes, those which Luhan was never a fan of. He prayed for his poor ears as loud cheers filled the club, the hype seeming to never cease any moment soon.
Luhan never imagined his life inside a fairytale. Those princes who will come and save their damsels in distress, because in the first place, who needs saving anyway?
He made his way upstairs, where he’s able to view the dance floor properly. Those people whom he worked with last term for their research are having the time of their lives. Even the couple next door seem to be enjoying the party, yet he has never felt so out of place.
His train of thoughts was disrupted when a man stood beside him. Luhan tilted his head to face the man. Blazing lights blinded his vision, but he couldn’t deny the aura that surrounds the latter. From then on, Luhan knew that he’s one of those people that his mom will always tell him not to meddle with. The man is a walking threat, a danger himself. One might not be able to pick the perfect adjective to describe him; exhausted, abused, torn, withered. A man who could drink down a bottle of beer as easily as counting his steps. Yet as absurd as it sounds, Luhan wanted to take the risk and not to dismiss the man’s presence.
“I never knew you’re also into this.” The man said as he toyed with his cup, his gaze fixated on the dance floor. “Luhan, Fine Arts Department’s best painter, attending a college party? What a sight to behold.” He added, almost sounding mockingly.
Hearing the taller’s remark, Luhan regretted acknowledging him and tried his best to disregard the latter, yet he caught a glimpse of the man through his peripheral vision, smirking manically, which puts Luhan on edge. “I bet you’re younger than me.” Luhan scoffs. “Only those who are younger than me have the guts to talk to me informally.”
He shook his head at the absurdity of his remark, but he responds anyway.
“Says the one who actually looks like a kid.” The taller replies in a monotonous tone, not missing the creases forming on Luhan’s forehead. “If you think I’m making fun out of you, you’re wrong. I’m just stating the truth.”
Luhan sighs as he drifts his attention back to his friends.
“Why don’t you go downstairs and join others? Your face says it all.” The man suggested after a moment of silence.
“I don’t think I’ll do good down there.” He peered over his shoulder. “They’re a bunch of social butterflies.”
When he thought the man stopped bugging him, he suddenly felt a hand wrapped around his right wrist, tugging him gently. In the midst of the loud cheering and music, he was able to hear the man’s idea, loud and clear. “What are you doing inside a club when you’re not enjoying yourself?”
Luhan should’ve known better than to accept the man’s offer, yet after an hour or so, he found himself sitting beside the man, countless topics blurted out and bottles of beer emptied, but Luhan knows he’s still sober enough to realise the growing attraction that he felt that night.
That was when Luhan first met him, the man who saved his lonely soul, and he fell for him hard.
***
Winter is the season full of broken promises and unheard pleads.
Sehun wakes up to the smell of brewing coffee and Luhan calling his name softly. He lethargically rolls out of the bed, shaking his head a few times as Luhan tries to fix his disheveled hair.
“Merry Christmas.” Luhan greets gleefully.
‘Ah, how wonderful it is to have a good morning on a Christmas Day’, Sehun thought as he reciprocates Luhan’s grin. “Merry Christmas, Luhan.”
After the meek smiles and greetings, both of them went downstairs. Sehun was about to sit down when a small envelope caught his attention. Two tickets to Sokcho greeted him. “You haven’t told me you’re planning a vacation.”
Luhan settled beside him, explaining why he got the tickets in the first place. “Ah, I forgot to tell you. Baekhyun dropped by the other day and handed me these.” He paused for a moment before averting his gaze to his hands. “I’m not sure what to do with those to be honest. Well, I’d likely go with you, but who would want to go to the beach on winter?”
Just three hours and Sehun found himself driving, with Luhan sleeping soundly beside him. He glances at Luhan from time to time, making sure that the smaller is in comfortable. When the traffic light turns to red, he suddenly recalls their conversation earlier.
“Who would want to go to the beach on winter huh?” He snickers bitterly, tears threatening to fall.
The skies are grey and unfriendly. Two people clasping their hands tightly, as if they’re being crafted to hold each other.
The society be damned, right now, what matters the most is that they’re together, in a place devoid of disgusted stares and judgements.
“I’ve decided to donate all of my paintings for the orphanage right here.” Luhan started. “Seeing the kids with fondness and happiness is worth it.”
“Are you sure about that? You know it’s not everyday we’ll be able to visit Sokcho.” Sehun asked worriedly. He knew how precious Luhan’s paintings are, and for him to donate all of those for a good cause, means a big decision.
Luhan hummed in response, affirming Sehun that his decision is final.
“If that’s what you want.”
One step after another, both of them hear the waves crashing against boulders and the wild winter wind, yet they found tranquility in each others’ hands.
“Do you think we will meet each other in the next lifetime?” Luhan raised the question curiously in the midst of silence.
Sehun opted to dismiss the question, as he tighten his hold on Luhan’s fingers, an action that Luhan has grown to love.
“I’m just wondering,” Luhan explains, squeezing Sehun’s hand. “what if there’s another Sehun and Luhan in the future? Do you think they will be able to meet each other? Perhaps fall in love with each other too. Will that Sehun be as bold as the Sehun beside me right now, who disrespected me the first time we met?” Luhan chuckles at the memory. “Or maybe it will be the other way around. Me chasing you, you’ll like that right?”
Sehun halted his steps and forced Luhan to look at him, his brown orbs pouring all his emotions, screaming all the words he’s unable to say.
“I don’t see myself going anywhere without you right now, what makes you think I will let a lifetime pass without you by my side?”
“Then, will you find me if I lost my way home?”
Sehun nodded his head frantically. “I’ll make sure I will be able to find you.”
A smile. “I’m glad to hear that.”
Sehun leans his head towards Luhan’s face and presses his lips against Luhan’s. He closes his eyes when the smaller reciprocated the kiss, with his fingers found their way to his hair.
It is the middle of winter, and amidst the harsh winds and chapped lips, here is Luhan. Here is warmth. Here is home.
Luhan found Sehun’s assurance, yet it wasn’t the same for Sehun. He wanted to ask if Luhan will do the same, not because he doubts his lover, but he also seeks for assurance, but those words died down even before he had the chance to open his mouth.
Words can sometimes fall short.
Sehun saw how their footprints were washed away by the waves, seeming to tell that there is nothing permanent in this world. Just like the waves, which depicts inconstancy, and the winter, as it froze their once fleeting moment.
They’re standing right beside each other but it feels like Luhan is living in an alternate universe - a place where Sehun exists but with the absence of the love they’ve once shared.
***
Luhan’s relapses has taken a toll on Sehun, especially when he continuously dreams of the memories he had with Sehun before, not knowing that he was the one inside those dreams.
“I hate seeing you like this right now.” Chanyeol tears the silence down. The doctor managed to drag Sehun out of the house, asking Baekhyun to stay with Luhan for the time being in return. The moment they’ve arrived in Chanyeol’s apartment, Sehun immediately went to the kitchen and grabbed a few bottles of beer. “It’s not only Luhan who’s suffering, but you too!”
Sehun sighs as he opens another bottle, dissolving Chanyeol’s pleas.
“You’ll kill me for raising this idea, but we can try treating him. We can try therapy, or triggering his memory by having the scene happen again.” Chanyeol suggested while looking at his best friend pitifully.
“No, I don’t want him to suffer the same hell again. I’d rather remain things this way.” Sehun bitterly laughed.
“But he’s having those dreams for months now! Even if we try our best to keep the truth from him, his old self along with his past memories are the ones who push these relapses.”
“I’d rather chose for our memories to disappear, than to hurt him again.”
“Well, to disappear means to obliterate, and I know you made wonderful memories with him before the accident happened, so I wouldn’t really wish for Luhan to forget those.” Chanyeol said.
It is so evident that memories tend to return like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle, yet Sehun wished that Luhan will not remember those things.
“I want to make him happy. If he is happy then I’m happy. The simplicity of it is so baffling that I’m still confused.”
Chanyeol just sat there, watching how devastated his best friend is. It’s so easy to feel the pain, the grief and anxiety, yet all he could do is to listen.
“Luhan has been and will always be a great part of my life, and even though I’m only a small part of him, I’m eternally grateful.”
“I can clearly remember back then when he bugs you every time he cannot paint something and you will eventually listen to his whining overtime.” Chanyeol lets out a small, sad chuckle.
Sehun smiled sadly, reminiscing those days. “I love him so much and I die every time I realise there is barely hope to get better.” Sehun massaged his temples and closes his eyes, letting his tears stream down his face.
Love is a battlefield, a war in which you should be prepared, hurting itself comes with it.
Sehun finds it amusing. How this twisted love story of them seems so beautiful yet so tragic, that no one seems to understand.
***
Plates cracking, walls pounding, and Luhan’s hysterical cries filled the middle of the night.
That night should be just like any other nights, Sehun will come home from work and the smaller will greet him, they will eat together and watch a movie afterwards and they will kiss each other goodnight. But fate seems to be playing with them right now, as Luhan opened the door only to find a drunk Sehun, emitting a scent that makes Luhan nauseous.
He sighed. Sehun really loves drinking, but he refrained himself from drinking almost everyday after he met Luhan. The smaller, being a good boyfriend he is, let’s Sehun join his co-workers partying from time to time.
Luhan was about to change Sehun’s clothes, when he saw his finance’s neck decorated with hickeys. With shaking hands, Luhan unbuttoned Sehun’s dress shirt, when Sehun dropped the bomb.
“Kyungsoo…”
Hands immediately flung to cover his mouth, trying not to create a sound.
It was a mistake. It is unavoidable for adults to throw a party, especially since they're standing the same ground, and above all else, he trusts Sehun, yet Luhan didn’t expect a name to roll out of Sehun’s mouth.
An accident. Luhan tells himself as he hiccups.
Sehun jolted as he heard small sniffs in front of him. Slowly opening his eyes, he found his fiancé on his knees, brimming with tears. A sight Sehun never wanted to see.
In an instant, Sehun cradles Luhan into his lap, engulfing the smaller one into a hug. A series of shushes, ‘what’s wrong’ and ‘please stop crying’ can be heard as he tries his best to console Luhan. That was when he felt a strong push that made Luhan break out of his embrace.
“Who’s Kyungsoo?” Luhan asked grimly.
In that moment, Sehun knew this is where things start to go downhill.
At first Sehun tried his best to explain calmly, yet after a few times, yelling and snapping of things surround them. He wanted to clear everything, but he isn’t sober enough to talk composedly, thus he argued back, and he should’ve refrain himself from saying too much.
“Kyungsoo and I had sex! Are you happy now?!”
A slap resonated the whole house, followed by a suffocating silence.
"Am I not good enough?" Luhan asks.
With a hunched back the man, looking almost like a frail, lost boy left the house, leaving a man full of regrets and words hanging.
Sehun waited. He waited for Luhan's return. He beams when his phone rings and saw his lover's number. But what he didn't expect was a different voice, carrying a different message, too far from what Sehun has been expecting.
Not wasting any second, Sehun went out and hopped inside his car, driving too fast for anyone's safety. He paid no heed when other cars are honking at him, for he needs to be with Luhan right now. He knows that every second matters.
He arrived at the scene, where a crowd filled half of the highway. He immediately asked a police at the scene, trying to grasp what has happened.
"There's a collision between a car and a motorcycle, unfortunately, a citizen was also dragged into the scene. Some people have said that the boy was barely looking on his side as he crosses the street, that's why he didn't notice the motorcycle and the car." The police explains.
Sehun trudges forward, alongside with the police, and the police got the idea. "We saw him after the collision and you're the one on his speed dial."
He trembles at the sight. He wanted to rush to his lover’s unconscious body, yet at the same time he’s afraid of holding him, for it might confirm something that will turn his life to an ocean of tears.
As the crowd gets bigger and bigger, Sehun gulped, pushing a lump on his throat before taking careful steps to his is lover. With trembling hands, he holds the bloodied ones. Too cold, Sehun realises as he clasped the smaller’s hands. If not for the medics rushing towards them and dragging Luhan’s body away from him, he might have missed the faint beatings of Luhan’s heart.
Sehun has never felt tears sting so much, dampening his skin. He’s crying so hard he’s almost blinded. Pain has made its way inside him, plaguing him physically and figuratively. It’s as if his soul broke into irreversible pieces.
***
“We’re going to visit something today.” Sehun said, urging Luhan to change his clothes.
Autumn visits the city with a light drizzle and dry gusts of wind. Sehun prepares this trip for months. Heading to Sokcho again, he tried his best to calm the rapid beatings of his heart.
After some time, the car halted in front of a small yet homely house near the outskirts of the town. Luhan immediately smiles at the sight of flowers surrounding the house, missing the forlorn look on Sehun’s face.
There is merely silence, faint sounds of footsteps, as they entered the house. In fact, it is far to be claimed as a house, for there’s literally nothing inside, except for numerous paintings.
Luhan hesitated to make a move, eyeing Sehun first. “What are we doing here?”
“Long ago, this small house was used for an exhibition, yet after the exhibition, the only paintings left are these.”
Luhan doesn’t miss the small smile that adorn Sehun’s lips for a second. He decided to start walking and check the paintings. Perpetually three steps behind, Sehun examined Luhan’s face evertime he stops in front of a painting.
He smiles as he sees different emotions on Luhan’s face as he tires to understand the paintings, sometimes he would crease his brows and look closer just to see the details, there are also instances where he will gasp once he sees a painting.
His smile vanished when Luhan halted his steps, faint lines forming on his forehead as he stares at a very familiar painting. Out of all the things Sehun could’ve missed, he misses to remove a certain painting.
Don’t come any closer. Sehun wanted to shout, yet he’s a second too late, for the boy is already lost in his thoughts, thinking deeply.
Heaving a sigh, Sehun made his way towards the confused boy.
“Why are you gaping?” He asked, voice full of uncertainty.
“Do you perhaps know who made that?” Luhan asked as he pointed at the painting.
The painting Luhan made for Sehun.
Sehun knew better than telling the truth, knowing that saying what is the truth will not matter anymore, for the one who is in front of him, the person he loves the most, has been oblivious of what’s the truth long ago.
“Why?” Without tearing his gaze away from the painting, Luhan unknowingly touched it, but disconnected his dainty fingers after for he knows it is prohibited. The smaller never realised that the one beside him tries so hard to suppress his tears.
“It feels so light, yet so sad.” Luhan said as he shifted his eyes away from the painting only to meet Sehun’s glassy ones.
As Luhan uttered those words, Sehun unconsciously caressed the ring on his finger, reminding him of what’s the future has to offer them, if that day didn’t happen.
Somewhere between those eyes, Sehun knew that his Luhan still resides. “The painter left a long time ago, leaving only his paintings as a memory. No one knew where he went.”
“That’s sad.” Luhan cocked his head to his side, biting his lower lip. “But, the painter will come back, right?”
There are a lot of things Sehun wanted to say, to refrain Luhan from saying another word, to stop his words from stabbing him, yet all he could do is to agree with what Luhan says.
How cruel can he be if he will extinguish the small flame that sparks inside Luhan?
“It feels oddly familiar, perhaps I dreamt of it before.” A declaration, a flame ignited in the midst of the cold.
“Yes,” Sehun can’t help but hear his words in his own voice. “A beautiful dream.”
Author’s Note: to the mods, thank you for your patience even though i went over the deadline. to the prompter, i hope you’ll enjoy the fic and sorry for the unexpected angst.