#75: playing you like a broken record: Part One
From: clubchicken
Title: playing you like a broken record
Rating: R
Word Count: 28,800 words
Summary: Luhan is Sehun’s favorite song on a scratched vinyl record he can’t seem to throw away.
Warning/s: cheating, smoking, alcohol, and drug use
I just hope you're lying next to somebody
who knows how to love you like me
there must be a good reason that you're gone
every now and then i think you might want me to come show up at your door
but i'm just too afraid that i'll be wrong
- Charlie Puth & Selena Gomez, We Don’t Talk Anymore
side a; intro
It’s two minutes past six in the morning. There’s a woman’s head snug comfortably on Sehun’s chest from the left side and Jongin’s drooling on his shoulder on the other. There are other people sound asleep at the long makeshift bed of mattresses lined up side-by-side on the hardwood floor. It’s like a recreation of Kanye West’s Famous or Vincent Desiderio’s Sleep, only Sehun still has a wife beater on along with his boxers (the other people whose limbs are entangled together just beside him, he isn’t so sure).
Jongin’s saliva dampens and sticks to his skin warmly and Sehun would’ve minded if only he isn’t in such an intoxicated state to actually notice anything else but the screen of his phone and the text on the gray chat bubbles he’s scrolling through.
17 Sep 2015 2:20 AM
i miss you a lot sehun lets not fight anymore im sorry i dont want u to leave pls dont leave me im sorry are you still mad??? :-------c thinking about it... i actually… cried so much during the past few days whenever i think about what it will be like if we break up… and i dont want that to happen… u really do make me happy pls dont think otherwise im sorry if i always seem like i want to fight with u when i dont. i was just tired. its our anniversary in a few days and i cant believe its almost three years. I dont want to fight on our special day… or ever. Lets not fight okay?? I love u.
Memories of what once was flashes in his mind in split seconds, too soon for him to actually grasp it before trailing away from his train of thoughts. There’s an image of him running out of his apartment, and planning to take a cab to Luhan’s place that night. But Luhan beat him to it because just when he opened the door to step out, Luhan was already at his door.
There was no need to talk because it was as if they were running out of oxygen and the only way to get it back was from each other’s mouths. They navigated their way inside without taking their hands away from each other until they were on top of the bed and they made up going at like bunnies. As if making up for the lost time they spent being mad at each other.
It was so long ago--a year. A year and three days, to be exact. It’s almost too hard to believe that they actually ended three months after that night.
Stop, he thinks. Sehun should be asleep. The room is clouded with remnants of cigarette and sweet smoke. His stomach feels full with the amount of alcohol he’s consumed since six in the evening and there’s an incredible amount of notifications from unopened text messages and missed calls from Bae Joohyun. It’s a situation Sehun’s been familiar with since it’s the one that’s been trying to fill in the void Luhan has left in Sehun’s life.
“Happy anniversary, babe.” Sehun whispers, dropping the phone on his chest. His vision turns blurry in his bloodshot eyes and it isn’t long before he could no longer carry the heaviness of his spent eyelids.
Sehun passes out.
side a
It’s normal to be hangup over a long-term relationship. But it’s been nine months since the last time Sehun has actually talked to Luhan and maybe it isn’t so normal to miss his ex when it’s been so long.
Even if the same situation has been happening to Sehun more often than not, he reckons that last night was just a burst of nostalgia that shouldn’t come back now that he’s awake and sober. Even though, it’s more of a habit rather than a burst.
It happens when he isn’t too hungover the next morning and he forgets that he doesn’t have to send him a good morning text or try to call him awake because Luhan can’t wake up with just the alarm clock. Sometimes he has this compulsion to flip through his messages and phone gallery and type away drafts of text messages he’s never going to send while he’s sober throughout the day. And of course at night before he passes out at some stranger’s home trying to contact him. That’s when he realizes how shitty it is because Luhan must’ve already changed his number so he’s never going to be able to read his text messages or pick up the phone.
So maybe he hasn’t moved on. It is thirty-nine months worth of a relationship. It’s only been nine months, he has another thirty to burn before it becomes borderline worrisome.
It’s not like Sehun isn’t trying hard enough. He’s currently off school and doing things that make him happy like partying or finding several vices to keep him occupied. And Sehun has Joohyun too. In times when she isn’t enough, Sehun can just go find someone else to hook up with. It’s an open relationship anyway, at least to Sehun that is.
(“Bae’s gonna kill you. Your Bae’s gonna kill you!” Jongin had said, upon hearing about how Sehun wanted to meet other people besides Joohyun just a week into their relationship.)
Not that Joohyun could have done anything about it. She rarely has any say in their relationship anyway, so she agreed. Even if she didn’t, it wouldn’t be much of a loss. Sehun only asked her out as a pastime and keeps her because he cleans up after him quite well. She even helps with job hunting and regularly goes to grocery shopping trips to put food in his refrigerator. Sehun doesn’t exactly give a fuck about what he eats and Jongin only calls for chicken delivery for meals so it’s good they can eat real food without trying.
It’s like having a mom and a girlfriend at the same time, Sehun couldn’t just make her go away. But if she did leave, Sehun can just go back home and have someone actually take care of him, not like he’ll miss her too much.
And sometimes he sees himself in Joohyun too, the him before Luhan dumped him.
(He doesn’t know what to do about that thought though.)
It isn’t in any way right to be acting the way that Sehun is now. Being heartbroken is no excuse for being a douche. But he reasons that Luhan made him feel like trash when they broke up. Sehun can act as trashy as he wants to and fuck up to his heart’s content.
“Cut down on the fucking weed. You’re becoming more of a wreck when you’re not high.” Jongin says, pushing a glass of cranberry juice over to Sehun. There’s a sad plate of nothing but a loaf of toasted bread and butter Jongin’s made for him because Sehun rarely ever functions in the morning to prepare his own breakfast.
“You think I’ll cut it out just because you said so. Who are you? My mom? My girlfriend?” Sehun says, his snarky mouth clearly in full operation.
“You’re becoming a lot more irritating too.” Jongin says, sitting down right in front of him at the breakfast nook. “And who are we kidding? Even Joohyun-noona can’t stop you. Let’s just wait ‘til your mom finds out when you start taking XTC and overdose. Now let’s just hope that doesn’t happen because it sure looks like a huge possibility.” Sehun chooses to ignore the remark and how his flatmate believes his life is going to turn into some cautionary documentary video against drugs. It’s too early for that even if it’s already two hours past noon.
Realizing that he’s been staring at the bread for a full five minutes, Sehun shoves the toast in his mouth before speaking with a muffled voice. “Who’s house did we even sleep on?”
Jongin shoves a piece of bread in his mouth. “What are you trying to say, Sehun?” he mocks, laughing cheekily before taking a bite and holding the bread in his hand. Sehun’s in no mood to tolerate Jongin’s antics. “Some rich kid at school. Honestly, you’ve been missing out on a lot. I thought you’d be back after having a semester off. Don’t you think it’s time to go back to school?”
Sehun doesn’t miss school, not even in the slightest way. It was nice not having his mind tangled up with mathematical equations of functions and codes along with relationship woes. Being a guy with a lesser problematic girlfriend and partying on the daily is the life.
“My parent’s don’t mind that much. So long as I have a job.” Sehun says. The thing is he doesn’t have one right now. He did have one a month ago at a convenience store, until he got fired from turning up at work stoned and intoxicated. Before his manager could even shoo him away and not let him work for the night, he made a scene devouring on the chicken drumsticks on display. Once Sehun got back to his apartment and changed out of his clothes, there were three drumsticks shoved inside the pockets of his jeans.
Needless to say, Sehun got to keep the drumsticks. His job however… let’s just say the chicken served as his severance package.
“So when will you get one then?” Jongin asks, there is a pause that lingers in the air. He chews on the piece of bread and cocks his head to the side, as if knowing that Sehun hasn’t even tried to look for a new one. “I know this server job at a rooftop bar. It’s only a few months old and my boss owns the place. It’s even near the one I work at. We can even get a drink right after you’re done and my boss only requires all his workers to not be taller than him. It’s perfect.”
“If the pay’s good, I’ll consider.” Sehun shrugs, putting the bitten toast back on top of the plate. His boss must be a freak if that’s the only requirement for employment. Sehun would rather pass.
“Beggars can’t be choosers, you dick and I already told my boss the other day about you. See how much of a great friend I am? I’m giving you a job offer here you unemployed rat.”
Sehun groans, Jongin’s insufferable. He nags him more than his mother ever does. “I’ll go check it out, alright?”
“I’ll see if boss can meet you by tonight. You probably don’t have anything to do today, anyway.” Sehun nods. He’s reminded once again how today was supposed to be his and Luhan’s fourth year anniversary. His day’s already ruined with just the thought. “Oh and wait, while you were already drunk last night someone wanted to hit on you but you were sleeping on the countertop. They left me a number.”
“Someone thought I was hot?” Sehun says, cockiness dripping all over his words. “No surprise there.”
“You know, Joohyun-noona deserves better than to date someone like you.” Jongin says. “And her friend said I could text her too but I’m not really interested in dating anyone. She thought I was hot too.” Jongin sticks his tongue out.
“Whatever. You’re encouraging me to go see someone else. Not like I’m cheating on her even if I go flirt with whoever this person is. Is she hot?”
“I don’t know. The one who gave it to me only said her Han is a redheaded cutie.” Sehun pauses at the mention of the name. Han. Funny how such a name is so common.
Sehun nods, feigning disinterest before he asks, “Is she really cute?”
“Heh. I’m kidding. Hana was her name but I knew Han would get your attention.” Jongin laughs cheekily and Sehun would’ve been flipping him off by now but decides against it because he suddenly doesn’t want to talk to anyone as of the moment.
“If she’s not cute, I’m going to have to make you pay for takeout for dinner.” Sehun shoves the piece of toast back in his mouth hoping it’s the end of the conversation.
“Whatever. I’m going to class in a bit. Don’t smoke in the living room, you fucker. The unit has a balcony for fuck’s sake.”
Before Jongin heads off to school, he pins a post-it note on the refrigerator with Hana’s digits scribbled on it. Sehun only stands up from his seat when Jongin’s out of the apartment to punch in the numbers in his phone. He takes the pack of Esse from his jacket’s pocket and lights a smoke in the living room--just to spite Jongin.
Today 2:31 PM
Hey… Hana, isn’t it??? i heard you saw me at 1Luck… your friend gave me this number :)
Sehun saves the number in his contacts, his phone beeps not long after.
ya look sorry my friend gave my # around last nite under tons of fake names if ur looking for a fubu u dont want me
2:32 PM
Sehun thinks, If this girl really isn’t interested, there wouldn’t have been a reply. His grin grows by a bit as he puffs the smoke out.
What makes you say that?
2:32 PM
I have a girlfriend… and my name isn’t hana either or dahye or hyejin or whatever other name she said was mine
2:34 PM
Sehun pauses, putting the stick back in his mouth as he types. His grin grows a mile wide at this point. Sehun contemplates if he should give him a fake name. But he ends up shrugging it off.
So you’re bi? Well aren’t you an interesting one… that’s even better… my name is sehun :)
2:35 PM
Sehun doesn’t get a reply back even after minutes, so he rests the phone on his lap and lights another cigarette as he waits. It’s bizarre how he’s waiting for a text message from a stranger who thought he was hot. He doesn’t even know who this Hana (or whatever her name is) is. For all he knows, maybe she was a serial killer of some sort. He pushes the thought at the back of his mind, thinking that it doesn’t seem to be likely. Maybe the girl’s just someone who’s bored with her life much like him.
His phone vibrates ten minutes later. Sehun unlocks his phone with hasty fingers. But the text message he gets didn’t come from the one he’s been waiting for.
BAE JOOHYUN
Today 2:45 PM
i’m coming over in an hour anything u need?
❂❂❂
Sehun met Joohyun at a club. She came with her friends, though they left her alone at the table so the could go get free drinks from other patrons in the place. Sehun only wanted to go as far as making out with her but he had none of that since he ended up blacking out before he could even initiate any kind of contact.
Embarrassingly enough, Joohyun had to take him back to his apartment because she can’t just leave a passed out stranger alone. With much struggle, Joohyun managed to bring him back to his apartment and Sehun had nothing else to offer as a thank you other than a coffee date the next day. It went off from then on and before Joohyun could even consider them to be anything serious, Sehun cleared it up for her and explained that they weren’t exclusive. Joohyun agreed despite her reluctance. They’ve been together for six months since then.
It was so unlike how it was with Luhan, who he met at Broken Record, a coffee shop that sold vinyl records. It was the summer after high school. Sehun was alone at a listening room and Luhan went inside and taught him how to operate the turntable. He went out of the cafe, a string of digits written on his chocolate frappe. That was how it happened, and Luhan had been the one to show him what it felt like to be with someone. He had been his first in everything.
Being with Luhan was like a slow burn, Sehun always had to be careful with what he does and say. But Sehun understood because he knew Luhan built walls to protect himself. Somehow, Sehun seemed to be the only one to have been able to climb over those walls despite Luhan always stepping on his fingers during the climb. Nevertheless, Sehun knew Luhan loved him just the same because at the end of the day, Luhan would present himself, all guards down--just for Sehun.
Such a relationship lasted for three years and three months and yet Sehun still feels like it ended too early.
Not like he can do anything about it, he’s with Joohyun now anyway. He shouldn’t be thinking about his ex too often. He’s well are that he should be more than happy with what he has now. But sometimes Sehun can’t help but think.
Joohyun isn’t like other girls, but Luhan isn’t like anybody. Sehun doesn’t know if it’s even right to compare the two when they’re so different. Luhan’s a guy. Joohyun’s a girl. Luhan always pick fights. Joohyun never does. Luhan wouldn’t even let anyone remotely attractive near him. Joohyun lets Sehun have flings once in awhile.
Luhan had him at his best, Joohyun has him at his worst.
It was incomparable.
Joohyun comes over an hour later, right on the clock as per usual with a pack of beer and pizza in tow which Sehun asked for her to bring. By the time she steps inside, the living room stinks of smoke. Joohyun doesn’t like the smell of it but she keeps her lips shut since Sehun would never listen. Joohyun went straight to the television and started setting it up right after she’s settled what she brought in the kitchen.
(“Let’s watch a movie, Hun. What do you want to watch?” she asks.
“Whatever you want to watch, Bae.” he says, lighting another cigarette.)
Sehun’s phone beeps on his lap but the message he gets still isn’t from Hana (or whatever her name is).
boss wanted to meet you tonight at 10
3:58 PM
Sehun groans internally, tossing the phone on the couch before picking it up back again so he can send more text messages to this mystery girl. It’s probably not right to flood her inbox but Sehun was bored and he didn’t care if he comes off as creepy because they literally don’t know each other.
The television is playing a movie of Joohyun’s choice. Architecture 101. They’ve watched the same movie before. Sehun doesn’t exactly remember what happens besides that there’s a house at Jeju province and the lead guy has a fiance and yet still kisses his first love by the end. Sehun was too busy with his phone to actually watch the movie though and Joohyun’s been side-eyeing him from time to time although she doesn’t say anything. It’s her day off today and she probably just wants to relax and not cause an argument.
It takes two hours before the girl texted him back and Sehun had to text her a flurry of texts like ‘Hey it’s okay we can just text i’m not looking for anyone to fuck either’ or ‘I swear we can just be friends if u want :)’ before receiving a text back from the other. Joohyun had started playing another movie and it’s one that Sehun doesn’t recognize.
stop flooding my inbox n ok we can be friends im soojung but soo is ok ig thats what my ex used to call me tho :p
5:03 PM
Friends it is then??? i have a girlfriend anw tho oh and ill stick with soojung
5:03 PM
Really what’s her name?
5:20 PM
Joohyun… btw my friend told me your name was han before he said hana… it was the name of my ex
5:20 PM
It went off from that as they proceeded to talk about Luhan. Sehun doesn’t know why he finds it so easy to talk with the stranger. Most of the time, when he gets random numbers saved on his phone, they wouldn’t even bother a reply or the texts won’t even last longer after a message saying ‘number saved’ and it would be just that.
But with Soojung he’s already talking about the most random of things or information he won’t easily disclose to anyone who knows him in real life. It’s only been how many hours and yet the stranger already knows so much about his past love life. Maybe it’s the concept of anonymity that makes it easier. Whatever it is, Sehun’s enjoying himself.
Sehun was so entranced with his phone that he didn’t notice that the television was already switched off until Joohyun nudged him at the shoulder.
“Who are you texting?” Joohyun asks, biting her lips a split second after as if it wasn’t her intention to ask.
“My mom.” Sehun lies, not even trying to sound convincing at all.
Joohyun nods, seemingly unconvinced. She purses her lips and says, “Let’s eat dinner now.”
Once Sehun was done eating, he didn’t even wait for Joohyun to be done and went back to the couch to resume texting Soojung and light a cigarette while he’s at it.
arent u gettin in trbl w ur girl?? weve been txting 4 hours
7:01 PM
Not long after, Joohyun follows and stares at Sehun with a death glare. She doesn’t talk, she just stares at Sehun like he’s a scum of the earth. Sehun’s in no mood to listen to Joohyun’s rare rants. She isn’t one to get mad but it looks like she’s already had enough of being ignored. So Sehun stubs the cigarette out on the ashtray and focuses her eyes on Joohyun.
“How was your day?” Sehun asks, being the first question that came to mind. Joohyun’s mood picks up significantly with the question.
“Oh! I went to the mall with Seulgi and Seungwan and we…” Joohyun goes on, a smile plastered on her face. It’s a shame Sehun never got to see it.
By the time Joohyun’s much too animated with her story, Sehun pulls out the phone and texts Soojung back.
Hey sorry for the late reply… my girlfriend called… and we aren’t exclusive so no problem there… don’t worry about it :)
7:23 PM
Sehun leaves Joohyun behind his apartment once it’s time to go for the job interview or whatever it may be. When Joohyun asks where he was headed to when Sehun was buttoning his shirt on his way out to the door, Sehun only says “Hongdae.” and tells her to lock the apartment once she decides to leave.
❂❂❂
Being an asshole isn’t an inborn trait. In fact, when he and Luhan were still together, Sehun had always been the one to reach out and bury the hatchet.
Luhan had a knack for picking fights and it only showed up when he and Sehun started dating. Sehun didn’t want to think his relationship with the other was the reason why. He figured it was because of all the stress he had on his plate at that time.
Having only the summer to keep his part-time coffee shop job because of college and only relying on money he gets from gigs, he barely had anything left for his own except for the hefty amount in his bank account. Although Luhan had tried his best not to touch it because he’d rather not depend on his parent’s money beyond basic necessities. It was his choice not to go back to Beijing when his family decided to migrate back to Mainland China years ago. It was time for him to learn how to be independent. He had to work for it if he wanted to expand his synth-pop playground on his own.
It was a little over a few months after they started being together, when Sehun had to start being careful with what he does or say because it’s hard to predict what would trigger Luhan’s mood to go from bubbly to irritated in a matter of seconds. But Sehun had always been understanding. He’s just tired, Sehun would think.
That’s why whenever they fought, Luhan would block Sehun’s number and Sehun had to find other ways to reach him. When all else failed, Sehun would show up at his door or in front of his university’s gates just to say sorry with a peace offering. He didn’t give him flowers or chocolate. Luhan was unusual, therefore his peace offerings spanned from frozen beef to a bucket of chicken wings along with a handwritten letter and they would have coffee or bubble tea after and whatever had been the reason for their fight, they would talk it out. On one particular fight, there was a time he bought a vinyl record and a salary-man’s worth couple ring he had splurged a month’s allowance and pay from his part-time job on.
Luhan had Sehun wrapped tight around his fingers and Sehun might’ve had a hard time, but it was always worth it.
Sehun had always been the shy type. The gentle one who didn’t seem like he could harm anybody despite the default poker face he could never erase off. He couldn’t even drop the hyung right after finding out Luhan was a full four years older than him until Luhan finally convinced him to. He couldn’t even be impolite, let alone be a complete asshole to his girlfriend.
The Sehun before seems like a complete stranger to him now.
It was even more prominent before Sehun and Luhan began dating. Back then, Sehun was only eighteen when he and Luhan exchanged text messages after he texted the number he had written on his cup. Luhan always texted Sehun a good morning and goodnight text and Sehun usually ignored them because he was too shy to give a text back.
Despite that, Sehun dropped by Broken Record several times a week and had ordered an assortment of caffeinated drinks despite thinking that coffee tasted like poison more often than not. He always asked for Luhan’s recommendation each time just to have something to talk about, which was coffee.
It didn’t take long before Luhan had to ask why Sehun wasn’t texting back and yet still had the audacity to show up and initiate small talk. He was too embarrassed to admit that he was too shy and didn’t know what to say. It was different of course, in real life Sehun can talk about the coffee he’s drinking and that would be it. With text messages, it’s always a blank and there’d be nothing to talk about.
Within a few weeks of meeting each other, Luhan invited Sehun to watch one of his gigs and he couldn’t have said no. Luhan liked electronic music and he was good at it even, so he played gigs on some nights. And after that, they would grab drinks and Sehun becomes more awkward than he usually is at such a place.
It wasn’t as if Sehun wasn’t used to drinking--he was. But what he was used to were simply drinking by the street or convenience store alcohol with his friends. The crowd Luhan was used to wasn’t the same. It was all bright lights in different colors and deafening music with beats that go in sync with the one encaged beneath his chest. But being at a place like that felt so much like Luhan that he wanted to drown in it as long as Luhan was within close proximity.
Most of those nights, Luhan invited Sehun back to his apartment after they’re done hopping from one club to another. But there was one time they left early just because Luhan didn’t feel like partying that night.
Like what Sehun always does whenever he sees the corner in Luhan’s room in what he calls his studio, he asks Luhan to sing for him even if he’s already expecting for the older one to decline. Weirdly enough, despite performing in fairly large crowds, Luhan only gets stage fright if there’s only one other person around. So Sehun never got to hear how Luhan sounded like at his makeshift studio whenever he sleeps over.
Until that night that is.
Maybe it was the alcohol that made Luhan agree to Sehun’s request. He set up his equipment and started performing. It was a remix of two songs. One of G-dragon’s new songs, That XX, the other one was a song Sehun couldn’t possibly recognize. Sehun wouldn’t when it’s in Chinese but it sounded so good on Luhan’s tongue. It was despite him not being able to hear his voice that well along with the instrumental and in some lines, the mic Luhan uses the make his voice sound robotic. It was as if--
“Sorry. I turned the wrong dial and got thrown out of loop. Ahh…” Luhan stopped, and pulled his hair out in frustration.
“You sounded good though.” Sehun said, hoping it would put Luhan to ease. It was the truth anyway. Luhan stilled at the compliment. “Make your voice louder this time, Lu.”
Luhan sets up once again, and this time he lowers the volume down making the softness of his voice evident this time. It was almost just the right balance for the music he makes with his instruments and his voice harmonize together creating a beautiful melody. The voice changer lies at the side untouched and this is the most that Sehun’s heard his voice even if he’s seen him perform several times already. At the end of the song, Luhan put his hands on the table, away from his equipment. The last line echoing in the room, with just his voice stripped off from anything else.
It’s the most beautiful sound Sehun has ever heard in his life.
Sehun stood up from the swivel chair and stopped when he was only but a few inches away from Luhan’s face, who was adamant in ignoring Sehun who was standing much too close for comfort.
Sehun could tell, Luhan isn’t confident with how his voice sounds like alone, so he layers it with synthetic beats and bass. So much that instead of having his music complement his voice, it overpowers it. He isn’t aware that his voice was already beautiful in its rawest form.
“Your voice is beautiful, you know.”
Luhan laughed, playing it cool because Sehun knows there’s nothing funny about what he just said. “Flattery won’t make me take the mattress so you can sleep on the bed though.”
“I mean it though.” Sehun said, which caught Luhan off guard and made him take a glance at Sehun who had a hint of a smile lingering on his lips.
It was Sehun however, who was caught off guard the next moment when Luhan kissed him. It was as if they were stuck in motion with their lips pressed together for seconds. It was then that Sehun knew it wasn’t the alcohol that made Luhan agree because he couldn’t taste the alcohol on his lips even when he slipped his tongue inside Luhan’s mouth.
“Let’s go to bed now.” Luhan whispered, right after he pulled away. There’s a hint of red dusted on his cheeks. Sehun was probably sporting the same look but Luhan wouldn’t have known that given that he was looking at anywhere but him.
That night, Luhan slept on his bed and Sehun on a mattress beside it. Luhan’s voice and the kiss replayed in Sehun’s mind like a broken record he never wanted to stop until he fell asleep.
The morning after, Sehun woke up with his face only a mere few inches away from Luhan’s. He had one arm under Luhan’s head acting as a pillow and the other was wound tightly around his taut waist. Luhan’s lips brushed on his in a featherlike manner and it stayed there. The contact sent jolts all around his body and that’s when Luhan flutters his eyes open. Seconds passed, before Sehun pressed his lips harder and Luhan didn’t think twice in reciprocating it. Maybe it was a dream, but Sehun can feel the warmth of Luhan’s body in his palm proving him otherwise.
Once they needed to chase each other’s breaths, Sehun whispered, “Your voice is the most beautiful sound I’ve heard. I wouldn’t mind hearing it when you say yes if i ask you something.”
Luhan gulped, looking straight at Sehun he asked, “What is it?”
Sehun took a deep breath and held Luhan’s cheek with his hand, “Will you go out with me?”
❂❂❂
The rooftop bar is called HDlite. The place gives off a sophisticated vibe with warm luminosity and natural light even if that bar’s mostly open during the night and wee hours of the morning. It’s on the same building with a club under it and he can tell some of them came from there because they look like they’re trying to sober up at the place (although, trying to not be drunk at a bar isn’t the best place to do that).
His about-to-be boss is a twenty-something’s giant (which he uses to his advantage to intimidate others) but it has no effect on Sehun seeing how he’s only an inch or two shorter than him. Sehun would give it a few months and he’ll probably grow taller than him (if that’s even possible anymore). Though, he’d rather not have that happen since he’ll most likely get fired if he doesn’t fit his boss’ ridiculous standard.
“My name is Park Chanyeol. But I’d like to be addressed as Park-sajangnim or just Boss.” Chanyeol says, offering his hand for a handshake.
Sehun didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of having to call him with honorifics. But he sucks it up anyway. Do it for the job, Sehun tells himself. For the job. Sehun smiles and accepts the handshake. “Nice meeting you, Boss.”
Park Chanyeol leads Sehun to the bar first before leaving him for some business he has to take care of for a few minutes. He makes small talk with the two bartenders although he doesn’t catch their names. It doesn’t last because they’re off making drinks so Sehun’s back to observing the place.
The place is fairly large he observes, half of the place is roofed while the other only has the starless sky as a view once someone looks up. The air is thick with cigarette smoke though no one in the place seems to be bothered by it. It’s a rather chill place to go after work.
It even has a stage set up at the middle where there were a number of instruments set up, like the ones used for electronic music. Sehun would be familiar, he’s seen similar equipment before at Luhan’s place. Sehun turns his back at the stage and swivels the chair back to the front of the bar.
Park Chanyeol comes back five minutes later where they discuss the basics of working at the place. It’s a four hour shift, six-to-ten in the evening, you have day-offs on Saturday and Sunday, no getting drunk until clocking out, no sex at the locker room, if someone introduces themselves as “Soo” and is looking for him tell them Park-sajangnim isn’t around, no dyeing your hair red (“You can’t be a redhead. You can’t be cute either.”) etc. His about-to-be boss seems overwhelmingly overbearing that the only thing Sehun’s looking forward to is getting paid.
“You understand all the conditions? Do you accept?” Chanyeol asks once he’s done listing all the ridiculous rules he enforces.
Sehun adjusts the baseball cap on his head as he speaks, “Seems fair.”
Chanyeol cocks his head to the side with a smirk plastered on his face. “Have a drink before you go.” he says, laying a hand on Sehun’s shoulder. It takes all of his self-control not to shrug it off.
The crowd behind him cheers for whatever reason and Sehun can’t be bothered to turn around and see for himself. Chanyeol slides a shot glass at Sehun’s direction and calls for the bartender to fix something up.
“Hello, everybody.” Sehun freezes. The voice echoes in his mind even when he could no longer process the words when he’s so focused on the way it sounded like. The speaker becomes silent to be replaced with beats that started out subtle with abrupt stops before becoming stable with its rhythm. The sound, it was too familiar. Sure, electronic music is common in a place like this. But Sehun felt this connection and every single nerve in his body is itching to turn around that when he gave in to the pleasure to do just that.
Luhan has hair dyed a dirty shade of pink. His cheekbones, hallowed and prominent. He’s gotten thinner, Sehun notices. Seeing his ex after so long isn’t what Sehun expected it to be. There’s nothing but this void eating him from the inside. It was as if his mind is blocking all that he’s supposed to feel like a defense mechanism. What tells him that this is real is the tingling he feels on his skin and his heart beating its way out his chest. It’s like his lungs are begging for alcohol instead of oxygen so he can breathe.
“We don’t talk anymore…”
Sehun doesn’t recognize the song. But it’s the voice, that voice that made his heart run on overdrive. It was as if his mind’s filtered the significantly loud electronic music to mute nothing out except his voice. It sounds so, so beautiful.
Then Sehun remembers what day it was today. The twentieth of September. Today was supposed to be their fourth year anniversary.
He should stop. Luhan has a new boyfriend now. Someone who isn’t him, of course.
That’s when he spots someone with a kilowatt smile who was watching the same performance at him. He’s almost certain it was Kim Joonmyun sitting at a table just in front of the stage with a bouquet of flowers resting on top.
When he first found out Luhan’s already found someone to replace him with just a month after their breakup, it didn’t really hit him because he was on a constant high at that time to actually let it sink in. Being sober felt like his lungs were being crushed out of oxygen and he needed something, anything to keep his thoughts at bay.
Everything’s all tangled up in his mind. He feels so weak.
Why?
Sehun turns his back from the stage even if doing that wouldn’t block his ears and stop whatever’s going on with himself. It’s like Luhan was speaking to him. He’s always had that effect.
His inner turmoil doesn’t show too much other than how he takes the shot glass Chanyeol has filled with an alcoholic mixture straight down his throat. He could tell it was strong with how he felt a small kick turning him queasy before warmth replaces it and it just feels so good.
Chanyeol fills his glass almost immediately and Sehun couldn’t have possibly refused.
“Can I have a cigarette too?” Sehun asks. Chanyeol looks at him warily like he’s putting him back to his place though Sehun remains unbeknownst to it as Chanyeol hands him the pack.
Sehun takes one and steals the lighter on the countertop and inhales.
Sehun’s in shock but at the same time, he isn’t. Maybe it’s because for months, the thought of Luhan has been haunting him. So much that seeing him in the flesh only made him put his guard up even higher instead of breaking down.
“Hey, boss.” Sehun asks, flicking the ashes off on the ashtray before dragging. “How often does he perform here?”
“You mean Luhan?” Sehun nods, tipping the glass to his mouth. Luhan’s gotten better with his equipment although he’s back to letting it overshadow his voice. “It’s a once a week thing. But he works as a server here too like you on regular days.”
Sehun almost spits the drink in his mouth. He swallowed before speaking to no one in particular, “Are you fucking kidding me?”
“What is it that you’re saying, kid?” Chanyeol asks, voice showing offense. “You know him?”
“Don’t call me kid.” Sehun wanted to retort, but he bites it back in his tongue. He should learn to keep this job. You’ve been fired twice, he reminds himself.
“I’m not sure.” Sehun lies. How Sehun wishes he brought earphones and let some girl group song blast in his ears rather than hearing Luhan perform. It feels like he was being burned in flames by an angel. He’s a mess. “I need to go soon though.”
“You start on Wednesday, kid.”
“Tomorrow is Wednesday.” Sehun grinds the cigarette on the ashtray. Luhan introduces the next song as he sets up his equipment. Sehun could recognize it was on original composition. He would know because Sehun was in the room when Luhan was arranging it.
“Exactly.” Chanyeol points out. Sehun empties his glass and closes his eyes, drowning his heart with the liquor. The music’s too nostalgic, he knows how it goes to heart.
Sehun isn’t staying for another song, that would be torture.
“I’ll be taking my leave now. Thank you for the job.” Sehun offers Chanyeol a handshake before hiding his face under a cap and walking down the stairs. It’s then that he checks his phone for messages. There’s one from Soojung, Jongin and Joohyun.
ok then Im on my way to work wut r u up to?
8:20 PM
Hey fucker im at the club under HDlite if u want to get drunk l0l
10:44 PM
text me if ur on ur way back home
11:10 PM
Sehun stops walking midway and replies to Soojung.
I saw my ex tonight… today was supposed to be our 4 year anniversary i didn’t expect i’d see him today
11:29 PM
He resumes walking and calls Jongin to ask where exactly he was as he steps inside the club. It’s a lot different from HDlite with its dim lighting and strobe lights. The music’s deafening and the place is packed with bodies grinding against each other. He should’ve asked Jongin outside because he can’t hear him through the music.
Luckily enough, Sehun finds Jongin sitting at a table full of strangers and Sehun’s sure he’s only met them tonight. Sehun sits down and a girl with his hair dyed platinum blonde offers him a drink which he accepts.
“Luhan.” he shouts to Jongin. There’s a mountain of cigarette butts in the middle of the table drenched in spilt cocktails and his eyes instinctively look for a pack.
“What?” Jongin shouts back. The same blonde girl points at the stick between her mouth and Sehun immediately gets it. He places the cigarette in between his lips and inches it closer to the one in her mouth. The end of the cancer stick glows before he drags.
“Luhan’s upstairs. We’re going to be co-workers.”
“Luhan-hyung?” Jongin laughs. “As in your ex?”
“Who else would I even be talking about?” Sehun hisses out. His light’s already dead end at the orange filter and he slips his hand inside the pack for another one. It’s like he’s smoking to die.
Jongin laugh is manic as he hits the unsuspecting guy beside him who laughed along even if he doesn’t exactly know why. “I swear I didn’t know!”
Sehun lets loose with each drag and shot. No matter how much he’s consumed, it never seems to be enough. There was one other option he knows would knock his cravings out but there was none of it in reach. His chest feels like it's fluttering with every laugh he lets out from his mouth for whatever reason.
They stay only until two in the morning because Jongin has a class at eight A.M. and as much as Sehun wants to drown himself in alcohol and smoke, having to deal with the aftermath was a pain. As per usual, finding a cab that would take two overly drunk men was a struggle but they managed to get home safely, at least. Even with Sehun’s eyes closed half the time while he’s walking.
“Oh hey.” Jongin says in surprise as he opens the door. “Sehun, Joohyun-noona is here.”
The television is on though no movie is playing. Sehun only nods at Jongin, who retreats back to his room. Sehun taps Joohyun’s cheek gently with his palm and tries to jolt her awake.
“You haven’t left?” Sehun says, as soon as Joohyun was blinking her eyes repeatedly, adjusting to the darkness of the room. Once her mind registers that Sehun was talking to him, she sits right up.
“You’re always out drinking, huh?” Joohyun smiles like she’s so done with Sehun’s habits. She purses her lips before asking. “Can I sleep over?”
“You’re already sleeping, though.” Sehun comments. She rolls her eyes at that and pretends she’s annoyed even if she secretly likes it. It’s because Sehun’s playful when he’s drunk. So warm unlike his usual cold self when he’s sober.
Sehun offers to carry her, but Joohyun declines. Sehun couldn’t even walk two feet without stumbling and Joohyun would rather not take the risk. She makes herself comfortable on the bed and sits down with her back on the headrest and Sehun follows.
“You reek of alcohol.” Joohyun comments. Sehun’s shirt was already unbuttoned and he motions for her to take it off. So she does, and they’re so close that Joohyun can feel Sehun breathe on her skin. A staring game commences and Sehun doesn’t even know he initiated and he’s only noticed that they’re kissing when he slips his tongue into her mouth. Joohyun takes him by the neck and Sehun goes deeper as if searching for whatever he’s supposed to feel at the contact.
Joohyun’s hand is fisting on his undershirt and Sehun obliges as he takes it off and Joohyun’s hands were frantic on his bare abdomen.
Sehun feels nothing in his chest until Luhan’s voice started ringing in his head and suddenly his heartbeat’s at a rapid rate. It feels so wrong. Sehun knows where this is going to lead if he doesn’t stop. He hasn’t went there with anyone but Luhan. He’s been with so many people ever since they broke up but whenever it gets to a point that they would have sex, Sehun would back out at the last minute. He just can’t bring himself to do it with somebody else.
And dammit, he can’t stop thinking of Luhan.
“I’m going to take a shower.” Sehun says, untangling himself from Joohyun and stands up. He takes the towel hanging on the knob of his cabinets and locks himself at the bathroom. He slips of his pants and checks the phone inside the pocket for messages which he wasn’t able to check while he was too busy getting himself drunk. There’s one from Soojung.
what did you feel
1:10 AM
Sehun’s fingers were heavy on the screen as he types.
Idk i went home and my girlfriend was still there we started kissing then i had to stop i couldnt stop thinking of him shes waiting on the bed right now i dont know i feel so fucked up
3:11 AM
He lays the phone down on the countertop before turning the faucet on. Sehun slaps both of his cheeks a couple of times with cold water. Hoping it would alleviate the churning he feels in his stomach. He strips off his clothing and steps in the shower, the heat of the water hitting on his skin as if waking him up. It gets worse with each passing second, it was as if he was hearing Luhan’s voice whispering in his ear and he couldn’t help but touch himself and jack off at the shower like a pathetic loser who can’t move on.
Sehun feels relieved when he steps out of the shower. He picks his phone up. There’s a message from Soojung.
do you still love him? your ex?
3:20 AM
Sehun didn’t bother a reply and leaves the phone in the bathroom with a towel draped around his waist. He takes a pair of boxers in his dresser drawer and changes into it before slipping underneath the blanket beside Joohyun.
Luhan’s voice sticks in his mind serving as a lullaby--haunting him, like it always does.
Sehun tries so hard not to imaging it’s Luhan’s warm body snuggled comfortably on his chest as he sleeps.
❂❂❂
It wasn’t always Sehun who chased after Luhan whenever they fought. Sometimes, Luhan couldn’t keep on fighting anymore so he drops everything and goes out of his way just to find where Sehun was so they could stop whatever war they were in.
There was even a time when Sehun hid him from his parents deliberately. It wasn’t as if it hadn’t been the same for Luhan. But his parents weren’t around anyway so it wasn’t as if Luhan intended to hide him even if the question was raised.
Of course, give it to Sehun’s mother to show up at a bad time. They were making out at the couch that time when they took notice of the beeping sound indicating that someone was trying to enter the apartment. It couldn’t have possibly been Jongin because he just left an hour ago for work.
The two of them had less than a minute to arrange themselves as much as they can with swollen lips, dusted red cheeks and disheveled hair. They sat at both ends of the couch when Sehun’s mother shows up with a girl who Luhan doesn’t know but Sehun seems to recognize.
Sehun’s mother shot the two of them suspicious looks before she pulled Sehun out for a little talk.
“Luhan’s just a friend. We had spicy ramen for breakfast then we started playing tag then we got into a wrestling match.” Luhan overheard in their conversation. His excuse was laughable but it was enough for his mother to believe it. Luhan felt his heart drop in his chest and it showed with his silent demeanor.
It was even worse when Sehun’s mother attempted to play matchmaker with Sehun and the girl who just so happened to have been a childhood friend. Sehun even mused the idea and entertained her as if he was interested (at least, that’s what Luhan understood from the scene which Sehun explained he was just being polite).
Luhan stormed out of Sehun’s apartment midway, leaving with a proper goodbye to his mother and none for Sehun. Sehun stopped trying to contact him after one night and they weren’t in contact for two days. Luhan couldn’t handle it so he turned up at his door on the third day and said it was okay even if Sehun has to hide him from his parents. He can’t stand not being with Sehun.
Later that night, Luhan wrote Sehun a song and a thousand words of an apology like he always did when making amends.
It had been like that several times already. It didn’t matter where Sehun was, he had to go find him even if it was harder in the occasional times that Sehun would ignore Luhan during a fight. There was even a time Sehun was at Jeju Province and Luhan had to wait at the airport to catch the nearest flight to the island so he can beg Sehun to not be mad at him anymore.
The last it had happened was three days before their third year anniversary where he sent a lengthy text message and he had written an apology letter before he stormed off to Sehun’s apartment. The days after were spent with bliss. It was a peaceful time, no matter how short-lived it had been.
They fought the next day of their anniversary. Sehun didn’t even remember what was the reason and he didn’t have the time to talk it out and go to Luhan’s apartment or university given his packed schedule. It took them a week before Sehun went to Luhan’s apartment after his exams were done with a paper bag filled with seven avocados. A cheesy line scribbled outside saying, “AVOCADON’T LEAVE ME.” in screaming red and capital letters.
They had sex that night and fought two days later.
❂❂❂
Sehun wakes up earlier than expected at seven o’clock in the morning and the first thing he does is check his phone of any messages. There’s one from Joohyun.
The text he gets from Joohyun is just a bunch of reminders of what he should do to ease the hangover. She really acts like a mom. He presses the back button once he’s done reading her message and then proceeds to backread his conversation with Soojung. Sehun decides to muse her with a reply which doesn’t answer her question from last night.
hey sorry i fell asleep on you last night... morning soojung
7:10 AM
Sehun locks the phone and stands up. His head feels like it’s being split open and maybe he should take a pill to alleviate the pain. But he has to eat first, though. Sehun heads to the bathroom to freshen up once he’s done popping out the knots at his back before walking to the kitchen. His stomach feel empty and he’s hoping they have real food left for him to wolf down on.
“Joohyun-noona made us seaweed soup and rice for breakfast before she had to leave for work.” Jongin says, as soon as he spots Sehun walking out from the door of his room. Sehun sits down at the breakfast nook where there’s an empty spot with rice and soup prepared for him in bowls. Joohyun’s probably left it for him.
“She’s a keeper, you asshole. What good thing did you even do to deserve her.” Jongin tells him. Sehun chooses to ignore him and takes the utensils in his hand and binges himself on rice and soup as if he hasn’t eaten for days.
Soojung doesn’t text back even after an hour has passed. Sehun assumes maybe he’s still asleep or busy with whatever job he has. Jongin’s already left for class, and he’s back to being alone and without anything to entertain him, Sehun decides to spend the rest of the day asleep until he has to wake up for his new job.
It’s not something he looks forward to. Sehun contemplates if he could get his boss to arrange him to take on shifts where Luhan won’t be around but that’s probably too much of a reach. It’s just a four-hour shift. But still… is Sehun ready to work alongside with his ex? Sure he’s seen him last night and nothing disastrous happened as he was able to handle it just fine. But of course, it was different when Luhan would see him now and they’re forced to interact at the workplace.
Fuck it, he thinks. The hell with it. He’ll just try not to get fired and do his job right even with Luhan around. It’s not that much of a big deal. So what if Luhan was a co-worker? He shouldn’t let that ruin his job performance.
Sehun drapes a towel over his shoulder and checks his phone before entering the bathroom. There’s a text message from Soojung.
i had an ex too… we were tgt for years b4 he broke up w me. hes rlly tall :p
3:33 PM
It’s new. Soojung hasn’t exactly shared anything about herself like that. Sehun types and his thumb hovers over the send button before pressing.
do you still love him???
4:33 PM
its no fair u didnt answer my question b4 answer me first :p
3:34 PM
Sehun doesn’t bother a reply back. He tosses the phone to the bed and takes a shower.
Once Sehun got to HDlite, Chanyeol made him sign a few documents and gets him a change of clothes before shoving him to the locker room. His boss is obnoxiously elated even when Sehun’s face doesn’t even show even a sliver of emotion.
Business is slow on a weekday and the sun was still up. No one is drunk yet, as far as Sehun’s observed and most people who were here came to eat. Sehun’s only noticed this because his vision’s all over the place waiting for Luhan to show up. When he notices that it was Luhan emerging from the flight of stairs, he quickly grabs a towel and keeps himself busy with the table.
From his peripheral vision, Sehun can see Luhan stop at his tracks. He can feel the pair of eyes boring holes at his skin. He pays no heed to it as he continues to wipe the counter even if it doesn’t actually need any cleaning.
“Sehun?” Luhan blurts out in disbelief. Sehun stills at the voice. It’s been so long since the last time he’s heard him call his name and his stomach’s churning as it echoes in his mind. The door from the kitchen flips open and the bartender steps out and greets Luhan.
“Hey, Luhan! We’ve got a new kid to help us around. The Sehun boss was talking about the other day.” So Luhan knew he was going to work here? Maybe he didn’t think he’d be the same Sehun so he was still shocked.
“Hey.” Sehun says, he throws it as nonchalantly as he can even if his voice gave away the nervousness he feels inside. He goes back to wiping the table and Luhan goes to the lockers to change.
Sehun spends the rest of the shift feeling jitters creeping all over his body just by being within close proximity as Luhan though he tries his best to will it away. He can’t explain it, so he just pretends it doesn’t exist. Luhan seems to be doing the same. That’s just how it is now. Strangers.
Part 2
Title: playing you like a broken record
Rating: R
Word Count: 28,800 words
Summary: Luhan is Sehun’s favorite song on a scratched vinyl record he can’t seem to throw away.
Warning/s: cheating, smoking, alcohol, and drug use
I just hope you're lying next to somebody
who knows how to love you like me
there must be a good reason that you're gone
every now and then i think you might want me to come show up at your door
but i'm just too afraid that i'll be wrong
- Charlie Puth & Selena Gomez, We Don’t Talk Anymore
side a; intro
It’s two minutes past six in the morning. There’s a woman’s head snug comfortably on Sehun’s chest from the left side and Jongin’s drooling on his shoulder on the other. There are other people sound asleep at the long makeshift bed of mattresses lined up side-by-side on the hardwood floor. It’s like a recreation of Kanye West’s Famous or Vincent Desiderio’s Sleep, only Sehun still has a wife beater on along with his boxers (the other people whose limbs are entangled together just beside him, he isn’t so sure).
Jongin’s saliva dampens and sticks to his skin warmly and Sehun would’ve minded if only he isn’t in such an intoxicated state to actually notice anything else but the screen of his phone and the text on the gray chat bubbles he’s scrolling through.
17 Sep 2015 2:20 AM
i miss you a lot sehun lets not fight anymore im sorry i dont want u to leave pls dont leave me im sorry are you still mad??? :-------c thinking about it... i actually… cried so much during the past few days whenever i think about what it will be like if we break up… and i dont want that to happen… u really do make me happy pls dont think otherwise im sorry if i always seem like i want to fight with u when i dont. i was just tired. its our anniversary in a few days and i cant believe its almost three years. I dont want to fight on our special day… or ever. Lets not fight okay?? I love u.
Memories of what once was flashes in his mind in split seconds, too soon for him to actually grasp it before trailing away from his train of thoughts. There’s an image of him running out of his apartment, and planning to take a cab to Luhan’s place that night. But Luhan beat him to it because just when he opened the door to step out, Luhan was already at his door.
There was no need to talk because it was as if they were running out of oxygen and the only way to get it back was from each other’s mouths. They navigated their way inside without taking their hands away from each other until they were on top of the bed and they made up going at like bunnies. As if making up for the lost time they spent being mad at each other.
It was so long ago--a year. A year and three days, to be exact. It’s almost too hard to believe that they actually ended three months after that night.
Stop, he thinks. Sehun should be asleep. The room is clouded with remnants of cigarette and sweet smoke. His stomach feels full with the amount of alcohol he’s consumed since six in the evening and there’s an incredible amount of notifications from unopened text messages and missed calls from Bae Joohyun. It’s a situation Sehun’s been familiar with since it’s the one that’s been trying to fill in the void Luhan has left in Sehun’s life.
“Happy anniversary, babe.” Sehun whispers, dropping the phone on his chest. His vision turns blurry in his bloodshot eyes and it isn’t long before he could no longer carry the heaviness of his spent eyelids.
Sehun passes out.
side a
It’s normal to be hangup over a long-term relationship. But it’s been nine months since the last time Sehun has actually talked to Luhan and maybe it isn’t so normal to miss his ex when it’s been so long.
Even if the same situation has been happening to Sehun more often than not, he reckons that last night was just a burst of nostalgia that shouldn’t come back now that he’s awake and sober. Even though, it’s more of a habit rather than a burst.
It happens when he isn’t too hungover the next morning and he forgets that he doesn’t have to send him a good morning text or try to call him awake because Luhan can’t wake up with just the alarm clock. Sometimes he has this compulsion to flip through his messages and phone gallery and type away drafts of text messages he’s never going to send while he’s sober throughout the day. And of course at night before he passes out at some stranger’s home trying to contact him. That’s when he realizes how shitty it is because Luhan must’ve already changed his number so he’s never going to be able to read his text messages or pick up the phone.
So maybe he hasn’t moved on. It is thirty-nine months worth of a relationship. It’s only been nine months, he has another thirty to burn before it becomes borderline worrisome.
It’s not like Sehun isn’t trying hard enough. He’s currently off school and doing things that make him happy like partying or finding several vices to keep him occupied. And Sehun has Joohyun too. In times when she isn’t enough, Sehun can just go find someone else to hook up with. It’s an open relationship anyway, at least to Sehun that is.
(“Bae’s gonna kill you. Your Bae’s gonna kill you!” Jongin had said, upon hearing about how Sehun wanted to meet other people besides Joohyun just a week into their relationship.)
Not that Joohyun could have done anything about it. She rarely has any say in their relationship anyway, so she agreed. Even if she didn’t, it wouldn’t be much of a loss. Sehun only asked her out as a pastime and keeps her because he cleans up after him quite well. She even helps with job hunting and regularly goes to grocery shopping trips to put food in his refrigerator. Sehun doesn’t exactly give a fuck about what he eats and Jongin only calls for chicken delivery for meals so it’s good they can eat real food without trying.
It’s like having a mom and a girlfriend at the same time, Sehun couldn’t just make her go away. But if she did leave, Sehun can just go back home and have someone actually take care of him, not like he’ll miss her too much.
And sometimes he sees himself in Joohyun too, the him before Luhan dumped him.
(He doesn’t know what to do about that thought though.)
It isn’t in any way right to be acting the way that Sehun is now. Being heartbroken is no excuse for being a douche. But he reasons that Luhan made him feel like trash when they broke up. Sehun can act as trashy as he wants to and fuck up to his heart’s content.
“Cut down on the fucking weed. You’re becoming more of a wreck when you’re not high.” Jongin says, pushing a glass of cranberry juice over to Sehun. There’s a sad plate of nothing but a loaf of toasted bread and butter Jongin’s made for him because Sehun rarely ever functions in the morning to prepare his own breakfast.
“You think I’ll cut it out just because you said so. Who are you? My mom? My girlfriend?” Sehun says, his snarky mouth clearly in full operation.
“You’re becoming a lot more irritating too.” Jongin says, sitting down right in front of him at the breakfast nook. “And who are we kidding? Even Joohyun-noona can’t stop you. Let’s just wait ‘til your mom finds out when you start taking XTC and overdose. Now let’s just hope that doesn’t happen because it sure looks like a huge possibility.” Sehun chooses to ignore the remark and how his flatmate believes his life is going to turn into some cautionary documentary video against drugs. It’s too early for that even if it’s already two hours past noon.
Realizing that he’s been staring at the bread for a full five minutes, Sehun shoves the toast in his mouth before speaking with a muffled voice. “Who’s house did we even sleep on?”
Jongin shoves a piece of bread in his mouth. “What are you trying to say, Sehun?” he mocks, laughing cheekily before taking a bite and holding the bread in his hand. Sehun’s in no mood to tolerate Jongin’s antics. “Some rich kid at school. Honestly, you’ve been missing out on a lot. I thought you’d be back after having a semester off. Don’t you think it’s time to go back to school?”
Sehun doesn’t miss school, not even in the slightest way. It was nice not having his mind tangled up with mathematical equations of functions and codes along with relationship woes. Being a guy with a lesser problematic girlfriend and partying on the daily is the life.
“My parent’s don’t mind that much. So long as I have a job.” Sehun says. The thing is he doesn’t have one right now. He did have one a month ago at a convenience store, until he got fired from turning up at work stoned and intoxicated. Before his manager could even shoo him away and not let him work for the night, he made a scene devouring on the chicken drumsticks on display. Once Sehun got back to his apartment and changed out of his clothes, there were three drumsticks shoved inside the pockets of his jeans.
Needless to say, Sehun got to keep the drumsticks. His job however… let’s just say the chicken served as his severance package.
“So when will you get one then?” Jongin asks, there is a pause that lingers in the air. He chews on the piece of bread and cocks his head to the side, as if knowing that Sehun hasn’t even tried to look for a new one. “I know this server job at a rooftop bar. It’s only a few months old and my boss owns the place. It’s even near the one I work at. We can even get a drink right after you’re done and my boss only requires all his workers to not be taller than him. It’s perfect.”
“If the pay’s good, I’ll consider.” Sehun shrugs, putting the bitten toast back on top of the plate. His boss must be a freak if that’s the only requirement for employment. Sehun would rather pass.
“Beggars can’t be choosers, you dick and I already told my boss the other day about you. See how much of a great friend I am? I’m giving you a job offer here you unemployed rat.”
Sehun groans, Jongin’s insufferable. He nags him more than his mother ever does. “I’ll go check it out, alright?”
“I’ll see if boss can meet you by tonight. You probably don’t have anything to do today, anyway.” Sehun nods. He’s reminded once again how today was supposed to be his and Luhan’s fourth year anniversary. His day’s already ruined with just the thought. “Oh and wait, while you were already drunk last night someone wanted to hit on you but you were sleeping on the countertop. They left me a number.”
“Someone thought I was hot?” Sehun says, cockiness dripping all over his words. “No surprise there.”
“You know, Joohyun-noona deserves better than to date someone like you.” Jongin says. “And her friend said I could text her too but I’m not really interested in dating anyone. She thought I was hot too.” Jongin sticks his tongue out.
“Whatever. You’re encouraging me to go see someone else. Not like I’m cheating on her even if I go flirt with whoever this person is. Is she hot?”
“I don’t know. The one who gave it to me only said her Han is a redheaded cutie.” Sehun pauses at the mention of the name. Han. Funny how such a name is so common.
Sehun nods, feigning disinterest before he asks, “Is she really cute?”
“Heh. I’m kidding. Hana was her name but I knew Han would get your attention.” Jongin laughs cheekily and Sehun would’ve been flipping him off by now but decides against it because he suddenly doesn’t want to talk to anyone as of the moment.
“If she’s not cute, I’m going to have to make you pay for takeout for dinner.” Sehun shoves the piece of toast back in his mouth hoping it’s the end of the conversation.
“Whatever. I’m going to class in a bit. Don’t smoke in the living room, you fucker. The unit has a balcony for fuck’s sake.”
Before Jongin heads off to school, he pins a post-it note on the refrigerator with Hana’s digits scribbled on it. Sehun only stands up from his seat when Jongin’s out of the apartment to punch in the numbers in his phone. He takes the pack of Esse from his jacket’s pocket and lights a smoke in the living room--just to spite Jongin.
Today 2:31 PM
Hey… Hana, isn’t it??? i heard you saw me at 1Luck… your friend gave me this number :)
Sehun saves the number in his contacts, his phone beeps not long after.
ya look sorry my friend gave my # around last nite under tons of fake names if ur looking for a fubu u dont want me
2:32 PM
Sehun thinks, If this girl really isn’t interested, there wouldn’t have been a reply. His grin grows by a bit as he puffs the smoke out.
What makes you say that?
2:32 PM
I have a girlfriend… and my name isn’t hana either or dahye or hyejin or whatever other name she said was mine
2:34 PM
Sehun pauses, putting the stick back in his mouth as he types. His grin grows a mile wide at this point. Sehun contemplates if he should give him a fake name. But he ends up shrugging it off.
So you’re bi? Well aren’t you an interesting one… that’s even better… my name is sehun :)
2:35 PM
Sehun doesn’t get a reply back even after minutes, so he rests the phone on his lap and lights another cigarette as he waits. It’s bizarre how he’s waiting for a text message from a stranger who thought he was hot. He doesn’t even know who this Hana (or whatever her name is) is. For all he knows, maybe she was a serial killer of some sort. He pushes the thought at the back of his mind, thinking that it doesn’t seem to be likely. Maybe the girl’s just someone who’s bored with her life much like him.
His phone vibrates ten minutes later. Sehun unlocks his phone with hasty fingers. But the text message he gets didn’t come from the one he’s been waiting for.
BAE JOOHYUN
Today 2:45 PM
i’m coming over in an hour anything u need?
❂❂❂
Sehun met Joohyun at a club. She came with her friends, though they left her alone at the table so the could go get free drinks from other patrons in the place. Sehun only wanted to go as far as making out with her but he had none of that since he ended up blacking out before he could even initiate any kind of contact.
Embarrassingly enough, Joohyun had to take him back to his apartment because she can’t just leave a passed out stranger alone. With much struggle, Joohyun managed to bring him back to his apartment and Sehun had nothing else to offer as a thank you other than a coffee date the next day. It went off from then on and before Joohyun could even consider them to be anything serious, Sehun cleared it up for her and explained that they weren’t exclusive. Joohyun agreed despite her reluctance. They’ve been together for six months since then.
It was so unlike how it was with Luhan, who he met at Broken Record, a coffee shop that sold vinyl records. It was the summer after high school. Sehun was alone at a listening room and Luhan went inside and taught him how to operate the turntable. He went out of the cafe, a string of digits written on his chocolate frappe. That was how it happened, and Luhan had been the one to show him what it felt like to be with someone. He had been his first in everything.
Being with Luhan was like a slow burn, Sehun always had to be careful with what he does and say. But Sehun understood because he knew Luhan built walls to protect himself. Somehow, Sehun seemed to be the only one to have been able to climb over those walls despite Luhan always stepping on his fingers during the climb. Nevertheless, Sehun knew Luhan loved him just the same because at the end of the day, Luhan would present himself, all guards down--just for Sehun.
Such a relationship lasted for three years and three months and yet Sehun still feels like it ended too early.
Not like he can do anything about it, he’s with Joohyun now anyway. He shouldn’t be thinking about his ex too often. He’s well are that he should be more than happy with what he has now. But sometimes Sehun can’t help but think.
Joohyun isn’t like other girls, but Luhan isn’t like anybody. Sehun doesn’t know if it’s even right to compare the two when they’re so different. Luhan’s a guy. Joohyun’s a girl. Luhan always pick fights. Joohyun never does. Luhan wouldn’t even let anyone remotely attractive near him. Joohyun lets Sehun have flings once in awhile.
Luhan had him at his best, Joohyun has him at his worst.
It was incomparable.
Joohyun comes over an hour later, right on the clock as per usual with a pack of beer and pizza in tow which Sehun asked for her to bring. By the time she steps inside, the living room stinks of smoke. Joohyun doesn’t like the smell of it but she keeps her lips shut since Sehun would never listen. Joohyun went straight to the television and started setting it up right after she’s settled what she brought in the kitchen.
(“Let’s watch a movie, Hun. What do you want to watch?” she asks.
“Whatever you want to watch, Bae.” he says, lighting another cigarette.)
Sehun’s phone beeps on his lap but the message he gets still isn’t from Hana (or whatever her name is).
boss wanted to meet you tonight at 10
3:58 PM
Sehun groans internally, tossing the phone on the couch before picking it up back again so he can send more text messages to this mystery girl. It’s probably not right to flood her inbox but Sehun was bored and he didn’t care if he comes off as creepy because they literally don’t know each other.
The television is playing a movie of Joohyun’s choice. Architecture 101. They’ve watched the same movie before. Sehun doesn’t exactly remember what happens besides that there’s a house at Jeju province and the lead guy has a fiance and yet still kisses his first love by the end. Sehun was too busy with his phone to actually watch the movie though and Joohyun’s been side-eyeing him from time to time although she doesn’t say anything. It’s her day off today and she probably just wants to relax and not cause an argument.
It takes two hours before the girl texted him back and Sehun had to text her a flurry of texts like ‘Hey it’s okay we can just text i’m not looking for anyone to fuck either’ or ‘I swear we can just be friends if u want :)’ before receiving a text back from the other. Joohyun had started playing another movie and it’s one that Sehun doesn’t recognize.
stop flooding my inbox n ok we can be friends im soojung but soo is ok ig thats what my ex used to call me tho :p
5:03 PM
Friends it is then??? i have a girlfriend anw tho oh and ill stick with soojung
5:03 PM
Really what’s her name?
5:20 PM
Joohyun… btw my friend told me your name was han before he said hana… it was the name of my ex
5:20 PM
It went off from that as they proceeded to talk about Luhan. Sehun doesn’t know why he finds it so easy to talk with the stranger. Most of the time, when he gets random numbers saved on his phone, they wouldn’t even bother a reply or the texts won’t even last longer after a message saying ‘number saved’ and it would be just that.
But with Soojung he’s already talking about the most random of things or information he won’t easily disclose to anyone who knows him in real life. It’s only been how many hours and yet the stranger already knows so much about his past love life. Maybe it’s the concept of anonymity that makes it easier. Whatever it is, Sehun’s enjoying himself.
Sehun was so entranced with his phone that he didn’t notice that the television was already switched off until Joohyun nudged him at the shoulder.
“Who are you texting?” Joohyun asks, biting her lips a split second after as if it wasn’t her intention to ask.
“My mom.” Sehun lies, not even trying to sound convincing at all.
Joohyun nods, seemingly unconvinced. She purses her lips and says, “Let’s eat dinner now.”
Once Sehun was done eating, he didn’t even wait for Joohyun to be done and went back to the couch to resume texting Soojung and light a cigarette while he’s at it.
arent u gettin in trbl w ur girl?? weve been txting 4 hours
7:01 PM
Not long after, Joohyun follows and stares at Sehun with a death glare. She doesn’t talk, she just stares at Sehun like he’s a scum of the earth. Sehun’s in no mood to listen to Joohyun’s rare rants. She isn’t one to get mad but it looks like she’s already had enough of being ignored. So Sehun stubs the cigarette out on the ashtray and focuses her eyes on Joohyun.
“How was your day?” Sehun asks, being the first question that came to mind. Joohyun’s mood picks up significantly with the question.
“Oh! I went to the mall with Seulgi and Seungwan and we…” Joohyun goes on, a smile plastered on her face. It’s a shame Sehun never got to see it.
By the time Joohyun’s much too animated with her story, Sehun pulls out the phone and texts Soojung back.
Hey sorry for the late reply… my girlfriend called… and we aren’t exclusive so no problem there… don’t worry about it :)
7:23 PM
Sehun leaves Joohyun behind his apartment once it’s time to go for the job interview or whatever it may be. When Joohyun asks where he was headed to when Sehun was buttoning his shirt on his way out to the door, Sehun only says “Hongdae.” and tells her to lock the apartment once she decides to leave.
❂❂❂
Being an asshole isn’t an inborn trait. In fact, when he and Luhan were still together, Sehun had always been the one to reach out and bury the hatchet.
Luhan had a knack for picking fights and it only showed up when he and Sehun started dating. Sehun didn’t want to think his relationship with the other was the reason why. He figured it was because of all the stress he had on his plate at that time.
Having only the summer to keep his part-time coffee shop job because of college and only relying on money he gets from gigs, he barely had anything left for his own except for the hefty amount in his bank account. Although Luhan had tried his best not to touch it because he’d rather not depend on his parent’s money beyond basic necessities. It was his choice not to go back to Beijing when his family decided to migrate back to Mainland China years ago. It was time for him to learn how to be independent. He had to work for it if he wanted to expand his synth-pop playground on his own.
It was a little over a few months after they started being together, when Sehun had to start being careful with what he does or say because it’s hard to predict what would trigger Luhan’s mood to go from bubbly to irritated in a matter of seconds. But Sehun had always been understanding. He’s just tired, Sehun would think.
That’s why whenever they fought, Luhan would block Sehun’s number and Sehun had to find other ways to reach him. When all else failed, Sehun would show up at his door or in front of his university’s gates just to say sorry with a peace offering. He didn’t give him flowers or chocolate. Luhan was unusual, therefore his peace offerings spanned from frozen beef to a bucket of chicken wings along with a handwritten letter and they would have coffee or bubble tea after and whatever had been the reason for their fight, they would talk it out. On one particular fight, there was a time he bought a vinyl record and a salary-man’s worth couple ring he had splurged a month’s allowance and pay from his part-time job on.
Luhan had Sehun wrapped tight around his fingers and Sehun might’ve had a hard time, but it was always worth it.
Sehun had always been the shy type. The gentle one who didn’t seem like he could harm anybody despite the default poker face he could never erase off. He couldn’t even drop the hyung right after finding out Luhan was a full four years older than him until Luhan finally convinced him to. He couldn’t even be impolite, let alone be a complete asshole to his girlfriend.
The Sehun before seems like a complete stranger to him now.
It was even more prominent before Sehun and Luhan began dating. Back then, Sehun was only eighteen when he and Luhan exchanged text messages after he texted the number he had written on his cup. Luhan always texted Sehun a good morning and goodnight text and Sehun usually ignored them because he was too shy to give a text back.
Despite that, Sehun dropped by Broken Record several times a week and had ordered an assortment of caffeinated drinks despite thinking that coffee tasted like poison more often than not. He always asked for Luhan’s recommendation each time just to have something to talk about, which was coffee.
It didn’t take long before Luhan had to ask why Sehun wasn’t texting back and yet still had the audacity to show up and initiate small talk. He was too embarrassed to admit that he was too shy and didn’t know what to say. It was different of course, in real life Sehun can talk about the coffee he’s drinking and that would be it. With text messages, it’s always a blank and there’d be nothing to talk about.
Within a few weeks of meeting each other, Luhan invited Sehun to watch one of his gigs and he couldn’t have said no. Luhan liked electronic music and he was good at it even, so he played gigs on some nights. And after that, they would grab drinks and Sehun becomes more awkward than he usually is at such a place.
It wasn’t as if Sehun wasn’t used to drinking--he was. But what he was used to were simply drinking by the street or convenience store alcohol with his friends. The crowd Luhan was used to wasn’t the same. It was all bright lights in different colors and deafening music with beats that go in sync with the one encaged beneath his chest. But being at a place like that felt so much like Luhan that he wanted to drown in it as long as Luhan was within close proximity.
Most of those nights, Luhan invited Sehun back to his apartment after they’re done hopping from one club to another. But there was one time they left early just because Luhan didn’t feel like partying that night.
Like what Sehun always does whenever he sees the corner in Luhan’s room in what he calls his studio, he asks Luhan to sing for him even if he’s already expecting for the older one to decline. Weirdly enough, despite performing in fairly large crowds, Luhan only gets stage fright if there’s only one other person around. So Sehun never got to hear how Luhan sounded like at his makeshift studio whenever he sleeps over.
Until that night that is.
Maybe it was the alcohol that made Luhan agree to Sehun’s request. He set up his equipment and started performing. It was a remix of two songs. One of G-dragon’s new songs, That XX, the other one was a song Sehun couldn’t possibly recognize. Sehun wouldn’t when it’s in Chinese but it sounded so good on Luhan’s tongue. It was despite him not being able to hear his voice that well along with the instrumental and in some lines, the mic Luhan uses the make his voice sound robotic. It was as if--
“Sorry. I turned the wrong dial and got thrown out of loop. Ahh…” Luhan stopped, and pulled his hair out in frustration.
“You sounded good though.” Sehun said, hoping it would put Luhan to ease. It was the truth anyway. Luhan stilled at the compliment. “Make your voice louder this time, Lu.”
Luhan sets up once again, and this time he lowers the volume down making the softness of his voice evident this time. It was almost just the right balance for the music he makes with his instruments and his voice harmonize together creating a beautiful melody. The voice changer lies at the side untouched and this is the most that Sehun’s heard his voice even if he’s seen him perform several times already. At the end of the song, Luhan put his hands on the table, away from his equipment. The last line echoing in the room, with just his voice stripped off from anything else.
It’s the most beautiful sound Sehun has ever heard in his life.
Sehun stood up from the swivel chair and stopped when he was only but a few inches away from Luhan’s face, who was adamant in ignoring Sehun who was standing much too close for comfort.
Sehun could tell, Luhan isn’t confident with how his voice sounds like alone, so he layers it with synthetic beats and bass. So much that instead of having his music complement his voice, it overpowers it. He isn’t aware that his voice was already beautiful in its rawest form.
“Your voice is beautiful, you know.”
Luhan laughed, playing it cool because Sehun knows there’s nothing funny about what he just said. “Flattery won’t make me take the mattress so you can sleep on the bed though.”
“I mean it though.” Sehun said, which caught Luhan off guard and made him take a glance at Sehun who had a hint of a smile lingering on his lips.
It was Sehun however, who was caught off guard the next moment when Luhan kissed him. It was as if they were stuck in motion with their lips pressed together for seconds. It was then that Sehun knew it wasn’t the alcohol that made Luhan agree because he couldn’t taste the alcohol on his lips even when he slipped his tongue inside Luhan’s mouth.
“Let’s go to bed now.” Luhan whispered, right after he pulled away. There’s a hint of red dusted on his cheeks. Sehun was probably sporting the same look but Luhan wouldn’t have known that given that he was looking at anywhere but him.
That night, Luhan slept on his bed and Sehun on a mattress beside it. Luhan’s voice and the kiss replayed in Sehun’s mind like a broken record he never wanted to stop until he fell asleep.
The morning after, Sehun woke up with his face only a mere few inches away from Luhan’s. He had one arm under Luhan’s head acting as a pillow and the other was wound tightly around his taut waist. Luhan’s lips brushed on his in a featherlike manner and it stayed there. The contact sent jolts all around his body and that’s when Luhan flutters his eyes open. Seconds passed, before Sehun pressed his lips harder and Luhan didn’t think twice in reciprocating it. Maybe it was a dream, but Sehun can feel the warmth of Luhan’s body in his palm proving him otherwise.
Once they needed to chase each other’s breaths, Sehun whispered, “Your voice is the most beautiful sound I’ve heard. I wouldn’t mind hearing it when you say yes if i ask you something.”
Luhan gulped, looking straight at Sehun he asked, “What is it?”
Sehun took a deep breath and held Luhan’s cheek with his hand, “Will you go out with me?”
❂❂❂
The rooftop bar is called HDlite. The place gives off a sophisticated vibe with warm luminosity and natural light even if that bar’s mostly open during the night and wee hours of the morning. It’s on the same building with a club under it and he can tell some of them came from there because they look like they’re trying to sober up at the place (although, trying to not be drunk at a bar isn’t the best place to do that).
His about-to-be boss is a twenty-something’s giant (which he uses to his advantage to intimidate others) but it has no effect on Sehun seeing how he’s only an inch or two shorter than him. Sehun would give it a few months and he’ll probably grow taller than him (if that’s even possible anymore). Though, he’d rather not have that happen since he’ll most likely get fired if he doesn’t fit his boss’ ridiculous standard.
“My name is Park Chanyeol. But I’d like to be addressed as Park-sajangnim or just Boss.” Chanyeol says, offering his hand for a handshake.
Sehun didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of having to call him with honorifics. But he sucks it up anyway. Do it for the job, Sehun tells himself. For the job. Sehun smiles and accepts the handshake. “Nice meeting you, Boss.”
Park Chanyeol leads Sehun to the bar first before leaving him for some business he has to take care of for a few minutes. He makes small talk with the two bartenders although he doesn’t catch their names. It doesn’t last because they’re off making drinks so Sehun’s back to observing the place.
The place is fairly large he observes, half of the place is roofed while the other only has the starless sky as a view once someone looks up. The air is thick with cigarette smoke though no one in the place seems to be bothered by it. It’s a rather chill place to go after work.
It even has a stage set up at the middle where there were a number of instruments set up, like the ones used for electronic music. Sehun would be familiar, he’s seen similar equipment before at Luhan’s place. Sehun turns his back at the stage and swivels the chair back to the front of the bar.
Park Chanyeol comes back five minutes later where they discuss the basics of working at the place. It’s a four hour shift, six-to-ten in the evening, you have day-offs on Saturday and Sunday, no getting drunk until clocking out, no sex at the locker room, if someone introduces themselves as “Soo” and is looking for him tell them Park-sajangnim isn’t around, no dyeing your hair red (“You can’t be a redhead. You can’t be cute either.”) etc. His about-to-be boss seems overwhelmingly overbearing that the only thing Sehun’s looking forward to is getting paid.
“You understand all the conditions? Do you accept?” Chanyeol asks once he’s done listing all the ridiculous rules he enforces.
Sehun adjusts the baseball cap on his head as he speaks, “Seems fair.”
Chanyeol cocks his head to the side with a smirk plastered on his face. “Have a drink before you go.” he says, laying a hand on Sehun’s shoulder. It takes all of his self-control not to shrug it off.
The crowd behind him cheers for whatever reason and Sehun can’t be bothered to turn around and see for himself. Chanyeol slides a shot glass at Sehun’s direction and calls for the bartender to fix something up.
“Hello, everybody.” Sehun freezes. The voice echoes in his mind even when he could no longer process the words when he’s so focused on the way it sounded like. The speaker becomes silent to be replaced with beats that started out subtle with abrupt stops before becoming stable with its rhythm. The sound, it was too familiar. Sure, electronic music is common in a place like this. But Sehun felt this connection and every single nerve in his body is itching to turn around that when he gave in to the pleasure to do just that.
Luhan has hair dyed a dirty shade of pink. His cheekbones, hallowed and prominent. He’s gotten thinner, Sehun notices. Seeing his ex after so long isn’t what Sehun expected it to be. There’s nothing but this void eating him from the inside. It was as if his mind is blocking all that he’s supposed to feel like a defense mechanism. What tells him that this is real is the tingling he feels on his skin and his heart beating its way out his chest. It’s like his lungs are begging for alcohol instead of oxygen so he can breathe.
“We don’t talk anymore…”
Sehun doesn’t recognize the song. But it’s the voice, that voice that made his heart run on overdrive. It was as if his mind’s filtered the significantly loud electronic music to mute nothing out except his voice. It sounds so, so beautiful.
Then Sehun remembers what day it was today. The twentieth of September. Today was supposed to be their fourth year anniversary.
He should stop. Luhan has a new boyfriend now. Someone who isn’t him, of course.
That’s when he spots someone with a kilowatt smile who was watching the same performance at him. He’s almost certain it was Kim Joonmyun sitting at a table just in front of the stage with a bouquet of flowers resting on top.
When he first found out Luhan’s already found someone to replace him with just a month after their breakup, it didn’t really hit him because he was on a constant high at that time to actually let it sink in. Being sober felt like his lungs were being crushed out of oxygen and he needed something, anything to keep his thoughts at bay.
Everything’s all tangled up in his mind. He feels so weak.
Why?
Sehun turns his back from the stage even if doing that wouldn’t block his ears and stop whatever’s going on with himself. It’s like Luhan was speaking to him. He’s always had that effect.
His inner turmoil doesn’t show too much other than how he takes the shot glass Chanyeol has filled with an alcoholic mixture straight down his throat. He could tell it was strong with how he felt a small kick turning him queasy before warmth replaces it and it just feels so good.
Chanyeol fills his glass almost immediately and Sehun couldn’t have possibly refused.
“Can I have a cigarette too?” Sehun asks. Chanyeol looks at him warily like he’s putting him back to his place though Sehun remains unbeknownst to it as Chanyeol hands him the pack.
Sehun takes one and steals the lighter on the countertop and inhales.
Sehun’s in shock but at the same time, he isn’t. Maybe it’s because for months, the thought of Luhan has been haunting him. So much that seeing him in the flesh only made him put his guard up even higher instead of breaking down.
“Hey, boss.” Sehun asks, flicking the ashes off on the ashtray before dragging. “How often does he perform here?”
“You mean Luhan?” Sehun nods, tipping the glass to his mouth. Luhan’s gotten better with his equipment although he’s back to letting it overshadow his voice. “It’s a once a week thing. But he works as a server here too like you on regular days.”
Sehun almost spits the drink in his mouth. He swallowed before speaking to no one in particular, “Are you fucking kidding me?”
“What is it that you’re saying, kid?” Chanyeol asks, voice showing offense. “You know him?”
“Don’t call me kid.” Sehun wanted to retort, but he bites it back in his tongue. He should learn to keep this job. You’ve been fired twice, he reminds himself.
“I’m not sure.” Sehun lies. How Sehun wishes he brought earphones and let some girl group song blast in his ears rather than hearing Luhan perform. It feels like he was being burned in flames by an angel. He’s a mess. “I need to go soon though.”
“You start on Wednesday, kid.”
“Tomorrow is Wednesday.” Sehun grinds the cigarette on the ashtray. Luhan introduces the next song as he sets up his equipment. Sehun could recognize it was on original composition. He would know because Sehun was in the room when Luhan was arranging it.
“Exactly.” Chanyeol points out. Sehun empties his glass and closes his eyes, drowning his heart with the liquor. The music’s too nostalgic, he knows how it goes to heart.
Sehun isn’t staying for another song, that would be torture.
“I’ll be taking my leave now. Thank you for the job.” Sehun offers Chanyeol a handshake before hiding his face under a cap and walking down the stairs. It’s then that he checks his phone for messages. There’s one from Soojung, Jongin and Joohyun.
ok then Im on my way to work wut r u up to?
8:20 PM
Hey fucker im at the club under HDlite if u want to get drunk l0l
10:44 PM
text me if ur on ur way back home
11:10 PM
Sehun stops walking midway and replies to Soojung.
I saw my ex tonight… today was supposed to be our 4 year anniversary i didn’t expect i’d see him today
11:29 PM
He resumes walking and calls Jongin to ask where exactly he was as he steps inside the club. It’s a lot different from HDlite with its dim lighting and strobe lights. The music’s deafening and the place is packed with bodies grinding against each other. He should’ve asked Jongin outside because he can’t hear him through the music.
Luckily enough, Sehun finds Jongin sitting at a table full of strangers and Sehun’s sure he’s only met them tonight. Sehun sits down and a girl with his hair dyed platinum blonde offers him a drink which he accepts.
“Luhan.” he shouts to Jongin. There’s a mountain of cigarette butts in the middle of the table drenched in spilt cocktails and his eyes instinctively look for a pack.
“What?” Jongin shouts back. The same blonde girl points at the stick between her mouth and Sehun immediately gets it. He places the cigarette in between his lips and inches it closer to the one in her mouth. The end of the cancer stick glows before he drags.
“Luhan’s upstairs. We’re going to be co-workers.”
“Luhan-hyung?” Jongin laughs. “As in your ex?”
“Who else would I even be talking about?” Sehun hisses out. His light’s already dead end at the orange filter and he slips his hand inside the pack for another one. It’s like he’s smoking to die.
Jongin laugh is manic as he hits the unsuspecting guy beside him who laughed along even if he doesn’t exactly know why. “I swear I didn’t know!”
Sehun lets loose with each drag and shot. No matter how much he’s consumed, it never seems to be enough. There was one other option he knows would knock his cravings out but there was none of it in reach. His chest feels like it's fluttering with every laugh he lets out from his mouth for whatever reason.
They stay only until two in the morning because Jongin has a class at eight A.M. and as much as Sehun wants to drown himself in alcohol and smoke, having to deal with the aftermath was a pain. As per usual, finding a cab that would take two overly drunk men was a struggle but they managed to get home safely, at least. Even with Sehun’s eyes closed half the time while he’s walking.
“Oh hey.” Jongin says in surprise as he opens the door. “Sehun, Joohyun-noona is here.”
The television is on though no movie is playing. Sehun only nods at Jongin, who retreats back to his room. Sehun taps Joohyun’s cheek gently with his palm and tries to jolt her awake.
“You haven’t left?” Sehun says, as soon as Joohyun was blinking her eyes repeatedly, adjusting to the darkness of the room. Once her mind registers that Sehun was talking to him, she sits right up.
“You’re always out drinking, huh?” Joohyun smiles like she’s so done with Sehun’s habits. She purses her lips before asking. “Can I sleep over?”
“You’re already sleeping, though.” Sehun comments. She rolls her eyes at that and pretends she’s annoyed even if she secretly likes it. It’s because Sehun’s playful when he’s drunk. So warm unlike his usual cold self when he’s sober.
Sehun offers to carry her, but Joohyun declines. Sehun couldn’t even walk two feet without stumbling and Joohyun would rather not take the risk. She makes herself comfortable on the bed and sits down with her back on the headrest and Sehun follows.
“You reek of alcohol.” Joohyun comments. Sehun’s shirt was already unbuttoned and he motions for her to take it off. So she does, and they’re so close that Joohyun can feel Sehun breathe on her skin. A staring game commences and Sehun doesn’t even know he initiated and he’s only noticed that they’re kissing when he slips his tongue into her mouth. Joohyun takes him by the neck and Sehun goes deeper as if searching for whatever he’s supposed to feel at the contact.
Joohyun’s hand is fisting on his undershirt and Sehun obliges as he takes it off and Joohyun’s hands were frantic on his bare abdomen.
Sehun feels nothing in his chest until Luhan’s voice started ringing in his head and suddenly his heartbeat’s at a rapid rate. It feels so wrong. Sehun knows where this is going to lead if he doesn’t stop. He hasn’t went there with anyone but Luhan. He’s been with so many people ever since they broke up but whenever it gets to a point that they would have sex, Sehun would back out at the last minute. He just can’t bring himself to do it with somebody else.
And dammit, he can’t stop thinking of Luhan.
“I’m going to take a shower.” Sehun says, untangling himself from Joohyun and stands up. He takes the towel hanging on the knob of his cabinets and locks himself at the bathroom. He slips of his pants and checks the phone inside the pocket for messages which he wasn’t able to check while he was too busy getting himself drunk. There’s one from Soojung.
what did you feel
1:10 AM
Sehun’s fingers were heavy on the screen as he types.
Idk i went home and my girlfriend was still there we started kissing then i had to stop i couldnt stop thinking of him shes waiting on the bed right now i dont know i feel so fucked up
3:11 AM
He lays the phone down on the countertop before turning the faucet on. Sehun slaps both of his cheeks a couple of times with cold water. Hoping it would alleviate the churning he feels in his stomach. He strips off his clothing and steps in the shower, the heat of the water hitting on his skin as if waking him up. It gets worse with each passing second, it was as if he was hearing Luhan’s voice whispering in his ear and he couldn’t help but touch himself and jack off at the shower like a pathetic loser who can’t move on.
Sehun feels relieved when he steps out of the shower. He picks his phone up. There’s a message from Soojung.
do you still love him? your ex?
3:20 AM
Sehun didn’t bother a reply and leaves the phone in the bathroom with a towel draped around his waist. He takes a pair of boxers in his dresser drawer and changes into it before slipping underneath the blanket beside Joohyun.
Luhan’s voice sticks in his mind serving as a lullaby--haunting him, like it always does.
Sehun tries so hard not to imaging it’s Luhan’s warm body snuggled comfortably on his chest as he sleeps.
❂❂❂
It wasn’t always Sehun who chased after Luhan whenever they fought. Sometimes, Luhan couldn’t keep on fighting anymore so he drops everything and goes out of his way just to find where Sehun was so they could stop whatever war they were in.
There was even a time when Sehun hid him from his parents deliberately. It wasn’t as if it hadn’t been the same for Luhan. But his parents weren’t around anyway so it wasn’t as if Luhan intended to hide him even if the question was raised.
Of course, give it to Sehun’s mother to show up at a bad time. They were making out at the couch that time when they took notice of the beeping sound indicating that someone was trying to enter the apartment. It couldn’t have possibly been Jongin because he just left an hour ago for work.
The two of them had less than a minute to arrange themselves as much as they can with swollen lips, dusted red cheeks and disheveled hair. They sat at both ends of the couch when Sehun’s mother shows up with a girl who Luhan doesn’t know but Sehun seems to recognize.
Sehun’s mother shot the two of them suspicious looks before she pulled Sehun out for a little talk.
“Luhan’s just a friend. We had spicy ramen for breakfast then we started playing tag then we got into a wrestling match.” Luhan overheard in their conversation. His excuse was laughable but it was enough for his mother to believe it. Luhan felt his heart drop in his chest and it showed with his silent demeanor.
It was even worse when Sehun’s mother attempted to play matchmaker with Sehun and the girl who just so happened to have been a childhood friend. Sehun even mused the idea and entertained her as if he was interested (at least, that’s what Luhan understood from the scene which Sehun explained he was just being polite).
Luhan stormed out of Sehun’s apartment midway, leaving with a proper goodbye to his mother and none for Sehun. Sehun stopped trying to contact him after one night and they weren’t in contact for two days. Luhan couldn’t handle it so he turned up at his door on the third day and said it was okay even if Sehun has to hide him from his parents. He can’t stand not being with Sehun.
Later that night, Luhan wrote Sehun a song and a thousand words of an apology like he always did when making amends.
It had been like that several times already. It didn’t matter where Sehun was, he had to go find him even if it was harder in the occasional times that Sehun would ignore Luhan during a fight. There was even a time Sehun was at Jeju Province and Luhan had to wait at the airport to catch the nearest flight to the island so he can beg Sehun to not be mad at him anymore.
The last it had happened was three days before their third year anniversary where he sent a lengthy text message and he had written an apology letter before he stormed off to Sehun’s apartment. The days after were spent with bliss. It was a peaceful time, no matter how short-lived it had been.
They fought the next day of their anniversary. Sehun didn’t even remember what was the reason and he didn’t have the time to talk it out and go to Luhan’s apartment or university given his packed schedule. It took them a week before Sehun went to Luhan’s apartment after his exams were done with a paper bag filled with seven avocados. A cheesy line scribbled outside saying, “AVOCADON’T LEAVE ME.” in screaming red and capital letters.
They had sex that night and fought two days later.
❂❂❂
Sehun wakes up earlier than expected at seven o’clock in the morning and the first thing he does is check his phone of any messages. There’s one from Joohyun.
The text he gets from Joohyun is just a bunch of reminders of what he should do to ease the hangover. She really acts like a mom. He presses the back button once he’s done reading her message and then proceeds to backread his conversation with Soojung. Sehun decides to muse her with a reply which doesn’t answer her question from last night.
hey sorry i fell asleep on you last night... morning soojung
7:10 AM
Sehun locks the phone and stands up. His head feels like it’s being split open and maybe he should take a pill to alleviate the pain. But he has to eat first, though. Sehun heads to the bathroom to freshen up once he’s done popping out the knots at his back before walking to the kitchen. His stomach feel empty and he’s hoping they have real food left for him to wolf down on.
“Joohyun-noona made us seaweed soup and rice for breakfast before she had to leave for work.” Jongin says, as soon as he spots Sehun walking out from the door of his room. Sehun sits down at the breakfast nook where there’s an empty spot with rice and soup prepared for him in bowls. Joohyun’s probably left it for him.
“She’s a keeper, you asshole. What good thing did you even do to deserve her.” Jongin tells him. Sehun chooses to ignore him and takes the utensils in his hand and binges himself on rice and soup as if he hasn’t eaten for days.
Soojung doesn’t text back even after an hour has passed. Sehun assumes maybe he’s still asleep or busy with whatever job he has. Jongin’s already left for class, and he’s back to being alone and without anything to entertain him, Sehun decides to spend the rest of the day asleep until he has to wake up for his new job.
It’s not something he looks forward to. Sehun contemplates if he could get his boss to arrange him to take on shifts where Luhan won’t be around but that’s probably too much of a reach. It’s just a four-hour shift. But still… is Sehun ready to work alongside with his ex? Sure he’s seen him last night and nothing disastrous happened as he was able to handle it just fine. But of course, it was different when Luhan would see him now and they’re forced to interact at the workplace.
Fuck it, he thinks. The hell with it. He’ll just try not to get fired and do his job right even with Luhan around. It’s not that much of a big deal. So what if Luhan was a co-worker? He shouldn’t let that ruin his job performance.
Sehun drapes a towel over his shoulder and checks his phone before entering the bathroom. There’s a text message from Soojung.
i had an ex too… we were tgt for years b4 he broke up w me. hes rlly tall :p
3:33 PM
It’s new. Soojung hasn’t exactly shared anything about herself like that. Sehun types and his thumb hovers over the send button before pressing.
do you still love him???
4:33 PM
its no fair u didnt answer my question b4 answer me first :p
3:34 PM
Sehun doesn’t bother a reply back. He tosses the phone to the bed and takes a shower.
Once Sehun got to HDlite, Chanyeol made him sign a few documents and gets him a change of clothes before shoving him to the locker room. His boss is obnoxiously elated even when Sehun’s face doesn’t even show even a sliver of emotion.
Business is slow on a weekday and the sun was still up. No one is drunk yet, as far as Sehun’s observed and most people who were here came to eat. Sehun’s only noticed this because his vision’s all over the place waiting for Luhan to show up. When he notices that it was Luhan emerging from the flight of stairs, he quickly grabs a towel and keeps himself busy with the table.
From his peripheral vision, Sehun can see Luhan stop at his tracks. He can feel the pair of eyes boring holes at his skin. He pays no heed to it as he continues to wipe the counter even if it doesn’t actually need any cleaning.
“Sehun?” Luhan blurts out in disbelief. Sehun stills at the voice. It’s been so long since the last time he’s heard him call his name and his stomach’s churning as it echoes in his mind. The door from the kitchen flips open and the bartender steps out and greets Luhan.
“Hey, Luhan! We’ve got a new kid to help us around. The Sehun boss was talking about the other day.” So Luhan knew he was going to work here? Maybe he didn’t think he’d be the same Sehun so he was still shocked.
“Hey.” Sehun says, he throws it as nonchalantly as he can even if his voice gave away the nervousness he feels inside. He goes back to wiping the table and Luhan goes to the lockers to change.
Sehun spends the rest of the shift feeling jitters creeping all over his body just by being within close proximity as Luhan though he tries his best to will it away. He can’t explain it, so he just pretends it doesn’t exist. Luhan seems to be doing the same. That’s just how it is now. Strangers.
Part 2