#83: Be Still My Heart (I know you’re shaking): Part One
From: xXthunderloverXx
Title: Be Still My Heart (I know you’re shaking)
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 13,000
Summary: Luhan was trying to figure him out, Sehun was falling too deep to realize. Highschool!au
Warning/s: Non-consexual sex, bottom!sehun, brief mention of Luhan/ofcs, crossdressing, bullying
Disclaimer: This is a note from the mods. We ourselves do not read through the works ourselves as there is too much for us to go through. Unfortunately we did not catch that there was a scene in the fic that was triggering. We apologize for that. Of course, Selubration does not support rape in any form or subject. We are aware that there are many fics in the fandom that involve noncon/dubcon elements and are read and are correctly labeled to warn people. Again, the mods sincerely apologize that this was not labeled correctly and that it had upsetted readers.
Come up to meet you,
Tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
- Coldplay, The Scientist
"She was a rose in the hands of those who had no intention of keeping her."
- Rupi Kaur
He’s thirteen when his parents decide to get a divorce and his mother leaves to pursue a life on her own, without his cheater of a father. She leaves behind her beloved son and most dedicated student, returning to Korea where life is comfortable and familiar. His mom had explained that America would be better for him, to learn and succeed, it meant higher chances of entering a good university and improving himself.
It is after his first year in middle school, entering the eighth grade, that Sehun no longer wishes he were like the other boys who went to private school and could play, laugh, and study together in a real classroom instead of his home that his mother left broken. He should’ve known, that people aren’t that kind to a homeschooled weirdo who decides to finally transfer the year when students are competing to fill out applications for high schools.
But the realization hits him hard the first time Ethan Schuler throws a fist at him for pronouncing his name wrong, calling him chink and four eyes. Because even in middle school, it's important to fit in. Ethan’s posse of privileged cap wearing cohorts all catch on to the newest trend of harassing the new foreign kid, the quiet homeschooled freak who nobody wanted and who never said a word.
Sehun had tried, he had entered homeroom the first day and tried to introduce himself, though his knees were knocking together and voice was stuttered because of his lisp- a slight speech impediment he’d developed out of nervousness. It was one girl named Elsa who had giggled first. Then Ethan, and then everyone else. The howls of laughter too vicious to allow him to proceed without shame streaming down his face.
So he decided not to try anymore and let others speak about him instead of attempting to speak to them again. It had worked until gym class, when a kickball had been heading straight for Ethan’s face and he had called his name to try and warn but instead, the bully had turned around and gotten his nose banged.
It was a misunderstanding, Ethan thought Sehun had been the one to throw it. Instead of dodging balls like part of the game, Sehun was dodging fists and failing miserably at it. He ended up being taken to the nurse’s office and getting picked up early by his father, who landed a stiff smack of his own to Sehun’s already swollen cheek for interrupting his work and not being a man.
He knew his father thought of him as a disappointment, even blamed him for his mom’s leaving. He wasn’t all that athletic, or strong in any sense. He had become taller, but was pathetically thin and pale, ugly freckles marring his neck and parts of his arms; people said he always looked sleepy, even when anxious.
He didn’t know how to fit in. He didn’t know how to defend himself against the other kids at school who were making fun of his accent and small eyes. He didn’t know how to shield his confidence from being smashed every time a boy mimicked him or a girl laughed because what he was saying didn’t make enough sense.
His father told him his English was shitty too, he must not have been practicing enough or paying attention enough to his mother when she used to be here, teaching him lessons. He told Sehun, no wonder his mother left, with such a poor excuse for a son and a failing student constantly at her grip.
And even though Sehun knew his mother must have loved him, he found himself thinking that maybe his father was speaking some truth. If he really was loved, then why was he left? Why did she have to move all the way back to Korea without him, and leave him here with nobody to cry on when the kids at school made his head ache and heart bleed. Or when his father ignored everything that he said, too sick of looking at him because he reminded him of her and what a mistake it was bringing a miserable child into the world.
*
While most boys enjoyed hoodies and tees from the mall, he wore sweaters and button ups that his father had ordered online and forced him to layer on so that he could “fit in” better and be less of a “pathetic embarrassment” due to his lack of muscle, confidence, manliness, everything. His father always thought that expensive was better; Sehun wanted to protest and tell him that it wasn’t a $189 Coach quarter zip he needed, but a $12 tee from American Eagle or $60 jeans from Abercrombie. If anything, the mismatch in generation and style made Sehun stick out worse. The collar of his crisp shirt did not prevent people from grabbing it and using it to shove his face into a locker before spitting gum in his hair. His brand named jeans were useless in defending against Ethan’s hands when he pulled them down in the hall and stuck his foot out to trip Sehun as he tried to pull them up.
Not all people were as bad as Ethan, but Sehun didn’t need Elmer’s glue on his shirt or bruises on his face to know that he wasn’t accepted. He knew it, every time a partner activity would arise and no one would pick him. Or when lunch and snack time came and passed and no one would sit with him or say a word.
During his first year at school, Sehun had managed to make one friend, a boy who wasn’t afraid to stand up to bullies and didn’t concern himself much with what they thought. Kyungsoo- a neighborhood boy he had sometimes waved to while eating ice cream outside, was the only person his age who had ever shown kindness towards him. Kyungsoo was Korean American, born in the U.S. and only spoke Korean at home. Unlike Sehun, who had been homeschooled until the eighth grade, he had been going there since kindergarten. Kyungsoo didn’t have trouble fitting in much, because he usually liked keeping to himself anyway.
While they weren’t in any classes together, Kyungsoo had stumbled upon Sehun on one of those many days where he had brought his boxed lunch into the bathroom to eat. It hadn’t been a long encounter, just enough time for the shorter boy to notice a Rilakkuma spoon clutter to the floor. When he recognized who emerged out of the stall, splotchy cheeks and puffy eyes with ghostly fingers wrapped protectively around a bear themed box, a kind smile and compliment to Sehun’s colorful bento container had Sehun’s teeth showing for the first time that year.
Since then, Kyungsoo had often invited Sehun over after school to work on homework or experiment with making new snacks. Dirt pie was one of Sehun’s favorites; whip cream, oreos, chocolate pudding, and gummy worms. His friend would joke and plead for Sehun to “save some for him” but a once over scan of the differences in height and weight allowed him to be generous in his portions for the taller. Kyungsoo had always loved making food, but after getting to know his neighbor more, he steered his hobby further in the direction of baking sweets and concocting salty snacks- which Sehun seemed to snatch more than his fair share of, once they were released from the oven.
He found out, food wasn’t the only thing that made Sehun happy. Sehun liked to sing karaoke and dance, using Kyungsoo’s Wii. The dancing was somewhat amusing to watch, especially since it was often to a variety of mainstream female pop singers, cutesy baby lullabies, or godawful wedding song remixes; but the singing- or dying frog screeches, as Kyungsoo was unfortunate in hearing the first few times, made it necessary to put on a pair of Bose headphones and pretend they didn’t know each other, for however long Sehun deemed himself a celebrity.
Flowers also caught Sehun’s attention. His mom used to be an avid gardener, and Kyungsoo’s yard with three gardens was well kempt. Sehun’s mom would always bring him out into their yard between breaks in class subjects and let him follow her around while she preened roses from creeping vines and cooed at salubrious purple lilac bushes. Many flowers she picked off would be made into a wreath to decorate her crafts workshop or a crown to place on Sehun’s head. But the prettiest pink rose, she always chose to tuck behind her precious boys ear, claiming “beauty belonged with him.”
Sehun had missed going out into the garden, especially since when his mom left, he had no idea how to keep it. His father had taken all the plants out and covered the soil in their backyard with concrete to form a swimming pool, able to be converted into a tennis court and basketball court. He had grumbled that what Sehun needed was sports and exercise, not flowers and butterfly nets.
Sehun had survived the eighth grade, by running and hiding between classes or doing extra credit so he didn’t have to attend. He got to know Kyungsoo, and caught rides home with him so he didn’t need to always take the bus. His parents adored Sehun, they thought he reminded them of Kyungsoo, only more soft and innocent. While Kyungsoo chose to politely isolate himself from people, Sehun did so because he was shy, unconfident, and had little choice. While Kyungsoo’s parents’ joked that their son was an evil genius devil child, they deemed Sehun a precious angel with the cutest nasally laugh.
*
Sehun was relieved when his first year at school had finally ended and he was set to go to high school with Kyungsoo. Hopefully, everything would change. Everything would be different.
Unfortunately, going to St. John’s private school with his best friend, also meant going with his worst tormentor, Ethan. And while he had already dealt with this in his head by weighing the pros and cons, reasoning that “things must be different, they’re older and wiser and with 1,500 other students” people were still hesitant to talk to him. St. John’s, one of the most acclaimed schools in the midwest, was also dominantly white and made up of privileged, rich, suburban kids who had never seen a “chinaman” except while ordering their orange chicken takeout.
Not a lot changed when he entered as a nervous freshman, hands still sticky, voice shrill, squeaky, and hoarse at odd times. He was used to only speaking Korean with Kyungsoo, and nobody else, so his English pronunciation still wasn’t the best.
Sehun even tried joining a sport, to please his father, in his attempt to begin things anew and make friends. He tried out for soccer, but ended up having zero ball control and was running around in panic afraid to get hit by the ball or kicked by the players. Running, was something he was used to and partially good at, so he told his father he was on the cross country team.
Technically, he was, by paying the $80 fee and signing the forms; but practice wasn’t mandatory and running a few laps in the gym or around the track didn’t take much team effort, so he still didn’t break out and talk much.
He discovered that high school was just as lonely as being at home. Sehun had always imagined school as something great, when he’d be stuck inside the study and his mom would stop lesson to prod his father for his whereabouts. He had always wished to be like other kids in America, who got to hangout with friends and play at each other’s houses when homework was done. But making real friends was hard.
Kyungsoo had acquired two new friends about two weeks in. One of which, was lazy in his speech and made outlandish comments that always had the class doubling over in laughter. The other, seemed almost more diligent in his studies, extracurricular overachiever activities and fourteen year old duties than Kyungsoo.
It was early on, that Sehun had committed himself into not intervening on Kyungsoo and Lay’s hangout time, because most of it was spent with Lay being high, getting high, or asking Sehun if he wanted to get high. He had met with Kyungsoo and Suho once, but had felt like he needed to learn a fourth language in order to understand them.
Sehun was having a hard enough time keeping up with his first year Chinese- a decision he now regretted. It was a complete mistake, thinking it would be easier since he already knew hanja. Reading and understanding the meanings was not difficult, but his tones were shit.
After the first half of the semester, Sehun could count a few names on his hand of who he could say” hi” to in the halls or by his locker; and sure, they would return his greeting with a wave or such, but they never were the ones to notice him first and say something. Sehun felt he was a brittle grain within a sand dune, lost and insignificant.
He couldn’t bring himself to move beyond the awkward small talk phase. He himself felt extremely jittery, awkward, and insecure. So naturally, others who spoke with him also got that vibe and felt uncomfortable too. Sehun didn’t necessarily feel hated, just unwanted. He also didn’t get to see Kyungsoo much. They had different classes and lunch periods. Thus, another lunch without his friend seemed daunting within the larger school, where every person seemed to have successfully found their own group. The only perk was that he shared the same lunch with Suho, so he was able to at least sit at the same table as him and feel somewhat comforted that he had someone who knew him and he could say things to.
Suho had a lot of friends that knew him or knew of him because of his leadership role in the honor society and involvement in student council. Just like Suho’s group of many friends and admirers, Sehun joined in everyday for lunch. Eventually, he was able to connect to Suho’s friend Sophie. Sehun found safety in talking to her once he recognized a cosplay keychain hanging off of her backpack.
It wasn’t until the second half of the year when things changed. Suho had introduced a new student who everyone was talking about, a gorgeous sophomore that had freshly transferred from California. Luhan was originally from China, but had moved many times since, because his father was the head of a small electronics company that was looking to expand. His smile was perfect; his English was perfect. On top of that, Luhan’s father had pre-negotiated an individual soccer tryout for him to go to, before agreeing to attend St. John’s. While the coaches usually took two weeks of two-a-day practices to decide the teams, Luhan had been accepted onto varsity after a mere four hours of testing.
Sehun couldn’t help but stare, like the rest of the table and school, the first time Suho had introduced Luhan at lunch. He was stunning, really. Sehun had never seen someone so handsome. Luhan was not only beautiful to look at, he was smart and athletic, confident but never spoke out of turn. Someone Sehun could only dream of talking to.
He had barely been able to stutter out a hello and spastic wave since Suho had arrived with him a few days after. He hid behind his dark bangs, face feeling horribly hot and legs unable to stop twitching. He couldn’t even keep up with talking to Sophie about Clannad After Story, an anime that had made him sob in his room, heartbroken for days.
Luhan continued to be shown around and guided by Suho for about a week, but after that, seemed to go off with his own flock of instant best friends. Who wouldn’t want to be friends with him? Luhan was elected to be next year’s soccer captain, an honor usually only given to juniors who had been on the team since freshman year.
Aside from being a soccer god, Luhan was incredibly funny and cute at times. He would tease his friends and make offhand remarks that had Sehun, sitting seats away, suppressing a soft giggle. A tiny flicker of hope made him think that maybe, him and Luhan might get along because they were two of the very few people of color (and only Asians) at their school. Sehun only thought about how his first year at school had been close to being the worst time in his life, and how he didn’t want Luhan going through that as well.
But instead of being met with slurs and spit like he had, Luhan was flocked with innocent interest and questions from curious classmates about where he was from. Maybe it was the difference in age, from then and now, or how Luhan’s personality was much more outgoing than Sehun’s had ever been; but it did not seem like he needed anyone to cry on. The whole school loved him.
Smashing good looks, clever brains, and an open yet humble personality could do wonders in such a small world of high school. Even in a school of 1,500, a number far surpassing Sehun’s old school, everyone knew everything about everyone. And everyone wanted Luhan.
Luhan seemed to be cool with everyone; from the football team to those in the calculus club, Lay’s group that sold weed and smoked cigs at lunch, or even the crew of seniors that had house parties every weekend. After his arrival, Sehun took to going to cross country practices more often. The track was next to the soccer field, where he’d see Luhan and the rest of the team outside practicing and doing drills or scrimmages.
Pretending to stretch and jog most of the time, Sehun would peek over at what they were doing; what Luhan was doing. He liked to wear a ratty white Maroon Five t-shirt about three out of the five practice days a week. And although Sehun never listened to them beyond their radio hits before, he began searching the full albums on youtube and spotify, just to feel a little closer to him. Maybe he could use it as a way to talk to him, sometime. He wondered how someone could look so good, shiny with sweat and honey colored locks stuck to his face, painted in sunlight. As opposed to him, when he ran around the track, sickly and tired looking with black hair blotting out his vision.
Luhan kept himself busy with sports, casually doing cross country skiing in the winter to stay in shape, and swimming in the spring. But whether wearing an all black sports jacket and high tops, or sweatpants and a long sleeve Under Armour, he still looked good.
Because Sehun had been semi-introduced to him from Suho that one time, he would blush and try to give him a normal, friendly smile in the hall when they passed each other one on one. There was rarely a time when a crowd wasn’t swarming him, or when he wasn’t attached at the hip, occupied by jovial conversation with his friend from the soccer team, Xiumin. So far, this had happened twice, when they had seen each other in passing when they were both alone.
The first time, had been on his way out of the gym locker room, just as Luhan had been entering. Both had been startled the moment Luhan had opened the door and almost ran into the other; but the older had given Sehun a polite smile and chuckled a small out of breath “sorry” while moving past him. Sehun was left flushed, knees knocking together and arm barely able to keep the grip on his Nike bag up as he stepped outside and took deep breaths to recuperate. He hadn’t even been able to look at Luhan, with his stunning smile. He was flustered enough, hearing his voice so closely for the first time and knowing it had been directed towards him. On top of that, Sehun’s choice to look down had only punched him in the gut further. Luhan had been wearing his favorite tee and the amount of sweat that soaked the white fabric had given Sehun a perfect snapshot of just how built Luhan was.
In spring time, Sehun had made the mistake of trying out for the swim team. Of course, he had made his decision before realizing Luhan was participating and good at this sport too. Sehun was interested in swimming and liked it, but decided not to come to the second meeting once he heard he’d have to wear a speedo in front of the whole team (and possibly school, when there were meets). That, coupled with the fact that Luhan would be wearing one too and showcasing his almost-naked self, was too much for him to bear. The one meeting alone, already had Sehun squirming from nervousness, as his body was so skinny, long and pale compared to others. He ended up crossing his arms over his stomach most of the time, fidgeting with his fingers when they weren’t in the water. Luhan was irresistible enough with his short, black trunks on, showcasing thick muscular thighs and flawless toned arms and abs. Sehun was sure he would drown anyway if he joined the team, just from catching sight of the other’s gently outlined v and glossy six pack. So instead, he felt comfortable continuing to practice at home, alone.
His first year went flying by, what with his obsession with Luhan and days spent thinking about Luhan. Summer was spent doing much the same. He went biking with Kyungsoo to the beach most days, ate ice cream with him, Suho, Sophie, and sometimes Lay, and went window shopping for shoes on others.
His father was engulfed in work, as usual, so Sehun slept over at Kyungsoo’s house basically the whole summer. It was easy to run and get stuff from his house, then run back to lay around and watch a movie or make food at his friends.
One of the days he was over, Sehun had been helping Kyungsoo dig through his parents closet for a dress shirt his father had asked him to get ready. The funny thing was, Kyungsoo’s dad was highly dysfunctional and chronically messy at home, yet pristine and organized at his job. His mom, on the other hand, was an extreme neat freak- an attribute that had easily transferred to Kyungsoo’s lifestyle as well.
But Kyungsoo’s mom was currently on a girls trip with her friends in Thailand and was not there to organize. Thus, Kyungsoo’s father found himself in this predicament and asked his son for aid. In just four days of the woman’s absence, their shared closet had been hit by a tornado and all of their clothes- once neatly arranged by brand, season, and color, were strewn about into three big heaps with some still strung haphazardly off the hangers. With this disaster in progress, Sehun did what he was best at; he lounged backwards on Kyungsoo’s parents bed, hands folded behind his head and legs stretched in order to soak up the additional, deliciously cool air from the ceiling fan.
Kyungsoo, while small in nature, was towering in emotion- especially anger, and demonstrated his strength while flinging item upon item on the bed, at Sehun’s feet and ankles. Eventually, it rose to where Sehun had to sit up to see him. Sehun discovered that Kyungsoo’s mom liked a variety of clothes; some mainstream designer brands, while others seemed to be one of a kind apparel from small ritzy boutiques. The garments ranged from funeral formal to a night on the town. A few of them caught Sehun’s eye because they were quite smaller and flashier, than how he pictured the woman’s size and style now.
“Oh, those were from when my mom danced ballet at Rutgers before changing majors, she was like… eighteen then?”
Sehun held the dazzling fabric up, breaths coming out in heavy puffs as he stretched his eyes over the beautiful piece of art. It looked like a dress belonging to a fairy princess. The ones that always got a happily ever after.
He wanted it; but could he?
Kyungsoo paused from chucking more blouses and button ups, enough to notice his friend’s interest, “you can keep it if you want, she probably won’t know it’s gone. Or even remember she had it in the first place.”
Sehun’s eyes widened in disbelief, fingers still gently rubbing one of the many tassels attached to the waist, “you sure? She won’t um… miss it?”
“Of course,” he flailed, arms thrown up at the fan, “how could she with all of this crap that’s already stuffed away?! She doesn’t need it, or probably even remember it.”
Sehun wondered how anyone could ever forget something so beautiful, so glamorous and enchanting. He didn’t know why he wanted it so bad, but was thankful his friend hadn’t thought him weird for wanting to. Kyungsoo had always been good at not saying anything when he knew Sehun needed him to forget asking.
*
Sophomore year had come and gone before he knew it, and Sehun still could not get over the swoop he felt in his stomach or how hot his face got whenever Luhan was mentioned or standing in the same room as him. He felt like his whole life revolved around a person he barely even knew and wondered if it was normal to still feel the same way, even after he hadn’t seen any trace of him since summer.
Sehun didn’t have the same lunch as Luhan, or Suho anymore. Kyungsoo and Lay shared a different period again this year too, so he went with Sophie and hungout with her girl friends who fangirled about fictional T.V. characters and celebrity gossip. Ethan, a person Sehun had managed to avoid pretty well during freshman year, ended up having his lunch as well.
High school seemed to do nothing for him him at all, except to encourage his antics by granting more like-minded people to follow him around and laugh at obnoxious jokes. Sehun felt a little safer, now that he wasn’t alone all the time and Ethan had others around to tease. He had a juice spilled on him once and was poked or teased often with stupid jabs about how his hair was ugly, or pants didn’t fit him right; but other than that, things weren’t so bad.
Sehun was bummed out more and more as he could only watch Luhan from a distance and hear others talk about him every now and then. He wanted to be able to say something to him, anything. But he couldn’t think of a right time or excuse, that wouldn’t seem awkward and forced. Every scenario he thought of, seemed to reveal his feelings too obviously. Sehun didn’t want him to think he liked him, or was creepy. Or a suck-up. He just wanted to get closer and get to know him better because he seemed like such a great guy.
One day it happened. He congratulated himself, jumping in the air, pumping his fist and grinning up at the sky. Luhan and him had talked! Well… Sehun had been able to spit out an “I like your jacket,” to which Luhan had sent him an earth shattering grin and replied “thanks, Sehun.”
It was a big step for Sehun, who couldn’t stop stupidly smiling the entire day, and a few more after that. Kyungsoo elbowed him with a knowing look, reminding him that Luhan was “just another person, like the rest of them,” and that he should stop obsessing. Kyungsoo regretted his scolding the next day, when Sehun had met him with a permanantly sullen expression.
News about one of Luhan’s latest conquests had broken out. This time, it had been a cute freshman named Katie. Katie was one of the star volleyball players, a left hitter who had impressively made JV. Her red hair caught the attention of many, her slim build with strong thighs and toned arms drew in quite a few admirers as well; but her eyes were the most striking, a light shade between amber and emerald. Sehun didn’t blame Luhan for picking her, he just wished he was her.
He wished he were a girl sometimes.
Not just so he could get close to Luhan; but because he wanted to be held and loved, adored and comforted. He wanted it to be okay to feel weak.
Since his mom had left, Sehun had never felt comfortable being himself. He had been thrust into school without knowing how to act or knowing why he cared so much about what other people thought about him. It made him feel more and more ashamed of how he was, because he wasn’t allowed to cry or be comforted. He couldn’t blame others, he could only direct the blame towards himself; and that blame eventually became hatred. Sehun didn’t like how inadequate he felt. His father treated him like he was nothing and told him he was pathetic.
Kyungsoo was always there for him once they got close, but he was never the kind of person to spell things out and declare them obviously. Sehun longed to hear promises and praise being affectionately and explicitly told to him. He simply wanted to feel like he was allowed to be loved and feel sad sometimes.
He fell into one of his slumps again after hearing Luhan was dating Katie. Although he knew Luhan was popular and dated girls before, this one made him feel worse than the others. Part of the reason was because he had felt stupid for getting so excited about their brief exchange of theirs. So he tried his best to get over it and put Luhan and his new girlfriend out of mind.
Which still didn’t mean that he wasn’t ecstatic to hear that they had broken up four months later. It was the typical length Luhan usually stayed committed. Sehun would hear of Luhan hooking up now and then at a party with someone, but when he was with someone he never cheated on them with anyone else. Maybe that was another reason why girls still went for him, even though they knew things probably wouldn’t last long. Luhan had dated one girl during his first year as a sophomore; and then two other girls along with Katie during his junior year, one of which, he’d taken to prom.
Sehun envied her above all others. It was his dream to go to prom with Luhan and be his date. Out of all of his lame fantasies he had of Luhan finally talking to him, secretly caring for him, or saving him from drowning, attending prom with the perfect date was a fantasy he had pictured since he was seven and his mom had showed him her old photos.
Next year, Sehun would be allowed to go. But what chances did he have of being able to make what he wanted to happen, come true? Luhan would probably be dating someone else by then. And why would he want to humiliate himself by having his date be a guy?
There were two known gay guys who were outted in their school. One of them, Michael, went about his business as if he didn’t give a shit that people stereotyped him all the time by asking “fashion advice” or attempting to deconstruct how someone could be “born that way.” The other guy, John, or Janice he liked to go by, knew people were going to talk and so he made a show of it by wearing fishnets and vintage dresses. He grew his hair out shoulder length and dyed it neon pink. He just did whatever he wanted.
Sehun wasn’t ready for any of that. He didn’t even know if he liked guys, he just knew that Luhan made his heart beat frantically like it was on it’s last tics. He made Sehun’s voice squeak and hands feel tingly and nervous. His mere presence was enough to bring him to his knees; and Sehun both loved and hated the feeling of becoming so emotionally powerless.
One good encounter could have him high for days, but news of Luhan having another fling left him sulking in Kyungsoo’s bed, demanding to be fed ice cream. His feelings were too much and too little at the same time. He wanted them to go away, but he also wanted it to mean something.
Sehun had thought about getting over his crush by being with someone else. Sophie had kissed him after his shift one day, during the summer before junior year. Sehun had just ended his shift scooping ice cream at a Ben and Jerry’s stand in the mall. Sophie and Suho were set to see him before going to see a movie, but she had made it there first. Sophie had leaned in and pecked him. Her lips were soft, but Sehun didn’t feeling anything but confusion afterwards. Not because his friend was kissing him, but because he had felt no magic at all.
After telling Kyungsoo about it, he gave Sehun the advice to try it again. And he did, one evening a week after that at Suho’s house where they were playing boardgames. It still didn’t make his heart feel like it was beating out of sync, or that his body was on fire. He didn’t understand how one smile from Luhan could make him feel ten times the emotion than a kiss from a cute girl, who he did like. But just as a friend.
Entering junior year, Sehun was determined to make his last year with Luhan count. He was fortunate enough to have gym class with him, where they did a lot of team activities. The class was composed of mainly Seniors, Juniors, and one or two sophomores. St. John’s required one year of PhyEd class, even if students were already enrolled in a sport.
Sehun was both terrified and eager to be put on the same team as Luhan, or partnered with him. Most of the time, guys would partner with each other because the girls were too shy or not competitive enough to participate with the same effort. Sehun saw Luhan often partner up with a taller guy named Brandon, who he recognized from cross country. He was also asked by someone named Frankie every so often when both their usual partners weren’t there.
Sehun somewhat enjoyed the team sports, because then he could stare at Luhan all he wanted to (when he had the ball, frisbee or puck) and it wouldn’t look suspicious. He only enjoyed it sometimes though, because it was hard to concentrate on playing when he was busy looking at him. An embarrassing incident had happened when they were playing kickball inside. The ball had been kicked right towards him to catch, but had he been too immersed in his Ludaydreams to notice; and instead of catching it like he was supposed to, he had been bonked in the side of the face. Nothing too critical, the humiliation burned more than his forehead. Both his main embarrassment and highlight of his day was when Luhan- a few steps over from him, had asked if he was okay.
Sehun was a fool to think he could pull off doing more than that.
He had come a long way since when he had first experienced school, and other people, but he still needed to go a lot further in order for his dream to come true. Sehun wasn’t expecting Luhan to love him, he just wanted the chance to make his feelings known. More than anything, if Luhan were to graduate without Sehun, just once, making a true effort to show he his own affections towards him, then he would be furious at himself for not trying at all. It was his last year with him, and he wanted to risk it.
The last few weeks of class came rolling around, and according to Sehun’s usual standards, he had made some small leaps and bounds- he had managed to ask Luhan if he wanted to be partners in warming up for baseball, on a day when Brandon and Frankie were both absent. He had also initiated a high five when Luhan had hit a homerun that won the game for their team. But in the grand scheme of things, this amounted to very little overall.
Prom was in a week, and he still couldn’t even call himself one of Luhan’s distant friends. He could probably be considered an acquaintance; and that was being generous, considering Luhan had so many connections from all four grades. Sehun doubted Luhan would think about him outside of class at all, unless he was the only one standing in front of him in an empty room. He knew his crush on the other was pathetic, especially because it was impossible. But he was determined not to make his three years spent infatuating over him, completely worthless. Out of the millions of doubts chipping away at his brain, the only thought that mattered was the one chance that his feeling could be returned back.
Sehun knows his crush will never like him back, but that doesn’t keep him from going to prom and hoping.
Part 2
Title: Be Still My Heart (I know you’re shaking)
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 13,000
Summary: Luhan was trying to figure him out, Sehun was falling too deep to realize. Highschool!au
Warning/s: Non-consexual sex, bottom!sehun, brief mention of Luhan/ofcs, crossdressing, bullying
Disclaimer: This is a note from the mods. We ourselves do not read through the works ourselves as there is too much for us to go through. Unfortunately we did not catch that there was a scene in the fic that was triggering. We apologize for that. Of course, Selubration does not support rape in any form or subject. We are aware that there are many fics in the fandom that involve noncon/dubcon elements and are read and are correctly labeled to warn people. Again, the mods sincerely apologize that this was not labeled correctly and that it had upsetted readers.
Come up to meet you,
Tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
- Coldplay, The Scientist
"She was a rose in the hands of those who had no intention of keeping her."
- Rupi Kaur
He’s thirteen when his parents decide to get a divorce and his mother leaves to pursue a life on her own, without his cheater of a father. She leaves behind her beloved son and most dedicated student, returning to Korea where life is comfortable and familiar. His mom had explained that America would be better for him, to learn and succeed, it meant higher chances of entering a good university and improving himself.
It is after his first year in middle school, entering the eighth grade, that Sehun no longer wishes he were like the other boys who went to private school and could play, laugh, and study together in a real classroom instead of his home that his mother left broken. He should’ve known, that people aren’t that kind to a homeschooled weirdo who decides to finally transfer the year when students are competing to fill out applications for high schools.
But the realization hits him hard the first time Ethan Schuler throws a fist at him for pronouncing his name wrong, calling him chink and four eyes. Because even in middle school, it's important to fit in. Ethan’s posse of privileged cap wearing cohorts all catch on to the newest trend of harassing the new foreign kid, the quiet homeschooled freak who nobody wanted and who never said a word.
Sehun had tried, he had entered homeroom the first day and tried to introduce himself, though his knees were knocking together and voice was stuttered because of his lisp- a slight speech impediment he’d developed out of nervousness. It was one girl named Elsa who had giggled first. Then Ethan, and then everyone else. The howls of laughter too vicious to allow him to proceed without shame streaming down his face.
So he decided not to try anymore and let others speak about him instead of attempting to speak to them again. It had worked until gym class, when a kickball had been heading straight for Ethan’s face and he had called his name to try and warn but instead, the bully had turned around and gotten his nose banged.
It was a misunderstanding, Ethan thought Sehun had been the one to throw it. Instead of dodging balls like part of the game, Sehun was dodging fists and failing miserably at it. He ended up being taken to the nurse’s office and getting picked up early by his father, who landed a stiff smack of his own to Sehun’s already swollen cheek for interrupting his work and not being a man.
He knew his father thought of him as a disappointment, even blamed him for his mom’s leaving. He wasn’t all that athletic, or strong in any sense. He had become taller, but was pathetically thin and pale, ugly freckles marring his neck and parts of his arms; people said he always looked sleepy, even when anxious.
He didn’t know how to fit in. He didn’t know how to defend himself against the other kids at school who were making fun of his accent and small eyes. He didn’t know how to shield his confidence from being smashed every time a boy mimicked him or a girl laughed because what he was saying didn’t make enough sense.
His father told him his English was shitty too, he must not have been practicing enough or paying attention enough to his mother when she used to be here, teaching him lessons. He told Sehun, no wonder his mother left, with such a poor excuse for a son and a failing student constantly at her grip.
And even though Sehun knew his mother must have loved him, he found himself thinking that maybe his father was speaking some truth. If he really was loved, then why was he left? Why did she have to move all the way back to Korea without him, and leave him here with nobody to cry on when the kids at school made his head ache and heart bleed. Or when his father ignored everything that he said, too sick of looking at him because he reminded him of her and what a mistake it was bringing a miserable child into the world.
*
While most boys enjoyed hoodies and tees from the mall, he wore sweaters and button ups that his father had ordered online and forced him to layer on so that he could “fit in” better and be less of a “pathetic embarrassment” due to his lack of muscle, confidence, manliness, everything. His father always thought that expensive was better; Sehun wanted to protest and tell him that it wasn’t a $189 Coach quarter zip he needed, but a $12 tee from American Eagle or $60 jeans from Abercrombie. If anything, the mismatch in generation and style made Sehun stick out worse. The collar of his crisp shirt did not prevent people from grabbing it and using it to shove his face into a locker before spitting gum in his hair. His brand named jeans were useless in defending against Ethan’s hands when he pulled them down in the hall and stuck his foot out to trip Sehun as he tried to pull them up.
Not all people were as bad as Ethan, but Sehun didn’t need Elmer’s glue on his shirt or bruises on his face to know that he wasn’t accepted. He knew it, every time a partner activity would arise and no one would pick him. Or when lunch and snack time came and passed and no one would sit with him or say a word.
During his first year at school, Sehun had managed to make one friend, a boy who wasn’t afraid to stand up to bullies and didn’t concern himself much with what they thought. Kyungsoo- a neighborhood boy he had sometimes waved to while eating ice cream outside, was the only person his age who had ever shown kindness towards him. Kyungsoo was Korean American, born in the U.S. and only spoke Korean at home. Unlike Sehun, who had been homeschooled until the eighth grade, he had been going there since kindergarten. Kyungsoo didn’t have trouble fitting in much, because he usually liked keeping to himself anyway.
While they weren’t in any classes together, Kyungsoo had stumbled upon Sehun on one of those many days where he had brought his boxed lunch into the bathroom to eat. It hadn’t been a long encounter, just enough time for the shorter boy to notice a Rilakkuma spoon clutter to the floor. When he recognized who emerged out of the stall, splotchy cheeks and puffy eyes with ghostly fingers wrapped protectively around a bear themed box, a kind smile and compliment to Sehun’s colorful bento container had Sehun’s teeth showing for the first time that year.
Since then, Kyungsoo had often invited Sehun over after school to work on homework or experiment with making new snacks. Dirt pie was one of Sehun’s favorites; whip cream, oreos, chocolate pudding, and gummy worms. His friend would joke and plead for Sehun to “save some for him” but a once over scan of the differences in height and weight allowed him to be generous in his portions for the taller. Kyungsoo had always loved making food, but after getting to know his neighbor more, he steered his hobby further in the direction of baking sweets and concocting salty snacks- which Sehun seemed to snatch more than his fair share of, once they were released from the oven.
He found out, food wasn’t the only thing that made Sehun happy. Sehun liked to sing karaoke and dance, using Kyungsoo’s Wii. The dancing was somewhat amusing to watch, especially since it was often to a variety of mainstream female pop singers, cutesy baby lullabies, or godawful wedding song remixes; but the singing- or dying frog screeches, as Kyungsoo was unfortunate in hearing the first few times, made it necessary to put on a pair of Bose headphones and pretend they didn’t know each other, for however long Sehun deemed himself a celebrity.
Flowers also caught Sehun’s attention. His mom used to be an avid gardener, and Kyungsoo’s yard with three gardens was well kempt. Sehun’s mom would always bring him out into their yard between breaks in class subjects and let him follow her around while she preened roses from creeping vines and cooed at salubrious purple lilac bushes. Many flowers she picked off would be made into a wreath to decorate her crafts workshop or a crown to place on Sehun’s head. But the prettiest pink rose, she always chose to tuck behind her precious boys ear, claiming “beauty belonged with him.”
Sehun had missed going out into the garden, especially since when his mom left, he had no idea how to keep it. His father had taken all the plants out and covered the soil in their backyard with concrete to form a swimming pool, able to be converted into a tennis court and basketball court. He had grumbled that what Sehun needed was sports and exercise, not flowers and butterfly nets.
Sehun had survived the eighth grade, by running and hiding between classes or doing extra credit so he didn’t have to attend. He got to know Kyungsoo, and caught rides home with him so he didn’t need to always take the bus. His parents adored Sehun, they thought he reminded them of Kyungsoo, only more soft and innocent. While Kyungsoo chose to politely isolate himself from people, Sehun did so because he was shy, unconfident, and had little choice. While Kyungsoo’s parents’ joked that their son was an evil genius devil child, they deemed Sehun a precious angel with the cutest nasally laugh.
*
Sehun was relieved when his first year at school had finally ended and he was set to go to high school with Kyungsoo. Hopefully, everything would change. Everything would be different.
Unfortunately, going to St. John’s private school with his best friend, also meant going with his worst tormentor, Ethan. And while he had already dealt with this in his head by weighing the pros and cons, reasoning that “things must be different, they’re older and wiser and with 1,500 other students” people were still hesitant to talk to him. St. John’s, one of the most acclaimed schools in the midwest, was also dominantly white and made up of privileged, rich, suburban kids who had never seen a “chinaman” except while ordering their orange chicken takeout.
Not a lot changed when he entered as a nervous freshman, hands still sticky, voice shrill, squeaky, and hoarse at odd times. He was used to only speaking Korean with Kyungsoo, and nobody else, so his English pronunciation still wasn’t the best.
Sehun even tried joining a sport, to please his father, in his attempt to begin things anew and make friends. He tried out for soccer, but ended up having zero ball control and was running around in panic afraid to get hit by the ball or kicked by the players. Running, was something he was used to and partially good at, so he told his father he was on the cross country team.
Technically, he was, by paying the $80 fee and signing the forms; but practice wasn’t mandatory and running a few laps in the gym or around the track didn’t take much team effort, so he still didn’t break out and talk much.
He discovered that high school was just as lonely as being at home. Sehun had always imagined school as something great, when he’d be stuck inside the study and his mom would stop lesson to prod his father for his whereabouts. He had always wished to be like other kids in America, who got to hangout with friends and play at each other’s houses when homework was done. But making real friends was hard.
Kyungsoo had acquired two new friends about two weeks in. One of which, was lazy in his speech and made outlandish comments that always had the class doubling over in laughter. The other, seemed almost more diligent in his studies, extracurricular overachiever activities and fourteen year old duties than Kyungsoo.
It was early on, that Sehun had committed himself into not intervening on Kyungsoo and Lay’s hangout time, because most of it was spent with Lay being high, getting high, or asking Sehun if he wanted to get high. He had met with Kyungsoo and Suho once, but had felt like he needed to learn a fourth language in order to understand them.
Sehun was having a hard enough time keeping up with his first year Chinese- a decision he now regretted. It was a complete mistake, thinking it would be easier since he already knew hanja. Reading and understanding the meanings was not difficult, but his tones were shit.
After the first half of the semester, Sehun could count a few names on his hand of who he could say” hi” to in the halls or by his locker; and sure, they would return his greeting with a wave or such, but they never were the ones to notice him first and say something. Sehun felt he was a brittle grain within a sand dune, lost and insignificant.
He couldn’t bring himself to move beyond the awkward small talk phase. He himself felt extremely jittery, awkward, and insecure. So naturally, others who spoke with him also got that vibe and felt uncomfortable too. Sehun didn’t necessarily feel hated, just unwanted. He also didn’t get to see Kyungsoo much. They had different classes and lunch periods. Thus, another lunch without his friend seemed daunting within the larger school, where every person seemed to have successfully found their own group. The only perk was that he shared the same lunch with Suho, so he was able to at least sit at the same table as him and feel somewhat comforted that he had someone who knew him and he could say things to.
Suho had a lot of friends that knew him or knew of him because of his leadership role in the honor society and involvement in student council. Just like Suho’s group of many friends and admirers, Sehun joined in everyday for lunch. Eventually, he was able to connect to Suho’s friend Sophie. Sehun found safety in talking to her once he recognized a cosplay keychain hanging off of her backpack.
It wasn’t until the second half of the year when things changed. Suho had introduced a new student who everyone was talking about, a gorgeous sophomore that had freshly transferred from California. Luhan was originally from China, but had moved many times since, because his father was the head of a small electronics company that was looking to expand. His smile was perfect; his English was perfect. On top of that, Luhan’s father had pre-negotiated an individual soccer tryout for him to go to, before agreeing to attend St. John’s. While the coaches usually took two weeks of two-a-day practices to decide the teams, Luhan had been accepted onto varsity after a mere four hours of testing.
Sehun couldn’t help but stare, like the rest of the table and school, the first time Suho had introduced Luhan at lunch. He was stunning, really. Sehun had never seen someone so handsome. Luhan was not only beautiful to look at, he was smart and athletic, confident but never spoke out of turn. Someone Sehun could only dream of talking to.
He had barely been able to stutter out a hello and spastic wave since Suho had arrived with him a few days after. He hid behind his dark bangs, face feeling horribly hot and legs unable to stop twitching. He couldn’t even keep up with talking to Sophie about Clannad After Story, an anime that had made him sob in his room, heartbroken for days.
Luhan continued to be shown around and guided by Suho for about a week, but after that, seemed to go off with his own flock of instant best friends. Who wouldn’t want to be friends with him? Luhan was elected to be next year’s soccer captain, an honor usually only given to juniors who had been on the team since freshman year.
Aside from being a soccer god, Luhan was incredibly funny and cute at times. He would tease his friends and make offhand remarks that had Sehun, sitting seats away, suppressing a soft giggle. A tiny flicker of hope made him think that maybe, him and Luhan might get along because they were two of the very few people of color (and only Asians) at their school. Sehun only thought about how his first year at school had been close to being the worst time in his life, and how he didn’t want Luhan going through that as well.
But instead of being met with slurs and spit like he had, Luhan was flocked with innocent interest and questions from curious classmates about where he was from. Maybe it was the difference in age, from then and now, or how Luhan’s personality was much more outgoing than Sehun’s had ever been; but it did not seem like he needed anyone to cry on. The whole school loved him.
Smashing good looks, clever brains, and an open yet humble personality could do wonders in such a small world of high school. Even in a school of 1,500, a number far surpassing Sehun’s old school, everyone knew everything about everyone. And everyone wanted Luhan.
Luhan seemed to be cool with everyone; from the football team to those in the calculus club, Lay’s group that sold weed and smoked cigs at lunch, or even the crew of seniors that had house parties every weekend. After his arrival, Sehun took to going to cross country practices more often. The track was next to the soccer field, where he’d see Luhan and the rest of the team outside practicing and doing drills or scrimmages.
Pretending to stretch and jog most of the time, Sehun would peek over at what they were doing; what Luhan was doing. He liked to wear a ratty white Maroon Five t-shirt about three out of the five practice days a week. And although Sehun never listened to them beyond their radio hits before, he began searching the full albums on youtube and spotify, just to feel a little closer to him. Maybe he could use it as a way to talk to him, sometime. He wondered how someone could look so good, shiny with sweat and honey colored locks stuck to his face, painted in sunlight. As opposed to him, when he ran around the track, sickly and tired looking with black hair blotting out his vision.
Luhan kept himself busy with sports, casually doing cross country skiing in the winter to stay in shape, and swimming in the spring. But whether wearing an all black sports jacket and high tops, or sweatpants and a long sleeve Under Armour, he still looked good.
Because Sehun had been semi-introduced to him from Suho that one time, he would blush and try to give him a normal, friendly smile in the hall when they passed each other one on one. There was rarely a time when a crowd wasn’t swarming him, or when he wasn’t attached at the hip, occupied by jovial conversation with his friend from the soccer team, Xiumin. So far, this had happened twice, when they had seen each other in passing when they were both alone.
The first time, had been on his way out of the gym locker room, just as Luhan had been entering. Both had been startled the moment Luhan had opened the door and almost ran into the other; but the older had given Sehun a polite smile and chuckled a small out of breath “sorry” while moving past him. Sehun was left flushed, knees knocking together and arm barely able to keep the grip on his Nike bag up as he stepped outside and took deep breaths to recuperate. He hadn’t even been able to look at Luhan, with his stunning smile. He was flustered enough, hearing his voice so closely for the first time and knowing it had been directed towards him. On top of that, Sehun’s choice to look down had only punched him in the gut further. Luhan had been wearing his favorite tee and the amount of sweat that soaked the white fabric had given Sehun a perfect snapshot of just how built Luhan was.
In spring time, Sehun had made the mistake of trying out for the swim team. Of course, he had made his decision before realizing Luhan was participating and good at this sport too. Sehun was interested in swimming and liked it, but decided not to come to the second meeting once he heard he’d have to wear a speedo in front of the whole team (and possibly school, when there were meets). That, coupled with the fact that Luhan would be wearing one too and showcasing his almost-naked self, was too much for him to bear. The one meeting alone, already had Sehun squirming from nervousness, as his body was so skinny, long and pale compared to others. He ended up crossing his arms over his stomach most of the time, fidgeting with his fingers when they weren’t in the water. Luhan was irresistible enough with his short, black trunks on, showcasing thick muscular thighs and flawless toned arms and abs. Sehun was sure he would drown anyway if he joined the team, just from catching sight of the other’s gently outlined v and glossy six pack. So instead, he felt comfortable continuing to practice at home, alone.
His first year went flying by, what with his obsession with Luhan and days spent thinking about Luhan. Summer was spent doing much the same. He went biking with Kyungsoo to the beach most days, ate ice cream with him, Suho, Sophie, and sometimes Lay, and went window shopping for shoes on others.
His father was engulfed in work, as usual, so Sehun slept over at Kyungsoo’s house basically the whole summer. It was easy to run and get stuff from his house, then run back to lay around and watch a movie or make food at his friends.
One of the days he was over, Sehun had been helping Kyungsoo dig through his parents closet for a dress shirt his father had asked him to get ready. The funny thing was, Kyungsoo’s dad was highly dysfunctional and chronically messy at home, yet pristine and organized at his job. His mom, on the other hand, was an extreme neat freak- an attribute that had easily transferred to Kyungsoo’s lifestyle as well.
But Kyungsoo’s mom was currently on a girls trip with her friends in Thailand and was not there to organize. Thus, Kyungsoo’s father found himself in this predicament and asked his son for aid. In just four days of the woman’s absence, their shared closet had been hit by a tornado and all of their clothes- once neatly arranged by brand, season, and color, were strewn about into three big heaps with some still strung haphazardly off the hangers. With this disaster in progress, Sehun did what he was best at; he lounged backwards on Kyungsoo’s parents bed, hands folded behind his head and legs stretched in order to soak up the additional, deliciously cool air from the ceiling fan.
Kyungsoo, while small in nature, was towering in emotion- especially anger, and demonstrated his strength while flinging item upon item on the bed, at Sehun’s feet and ankles. Eventually, it rose to where Sehun had to sit up to see him. Sehun discovered that Kyungsoo’s mom liked a variety of clothes; some mainstream designer brands, while others seemed to be one of a kind apparel from small ritzy boutiques. The garments ranged from funeral formal to a night on the town. A few of them caught Sehun’s eye because they were quite smaller and flashier, than how he pictured the woman’s size and style now.
“Oh, those were from when my mom danced ballet at Rutgers before changing majors, she was like… eighteen then?”
Sehun held the dazzling fabric up, breaths coming out in heavy puffs as he stretched his eyes over the beautiful piece of art. It looked like a dress belonging to a fairy princess. The ones that always got a happily ever after.
He wanted it; but could he?
Kyungsoo paused from chucking more blouses and button ups, enough to notice his friend’s interest, “you can keep it if you want, she probably won’t know it’s gone. Or even remember she had it in the first place.”
Sehun’s eyes widened in disbelief, fingers still gently rubbing one of the many tassels attached to the waist, “you sure? She won’t um… miss it?”
“Of course,” he flailed, arms thrown up at the fan, “how could she with all of this crap that’s already stuffed away?! She doesn’t need it, or probably even remember it.”
Sehun wondered how anyone could ever forget something so beautiful, so glamorous and enchanting. He didn’t know why he wanted it so bad, but was thankful his friend hadn’t thought him weird for wanting to. Kyungsoo had always been good at not saying anything when he knew Sehun needed him to forget asking.
*
Sophomore year had come and gone before he knew it, and Sehun still could not get over the swoop he felt in his stomach or how hot his face got whenever Luhan was mentioned or standing in the same room as him. He felt like his whole life revolved around a person he barely even knew and wondered if it was normal to still feel the same way, even after he hadn’t seen any trace of him since summer.
Sehun didn’t have the same lunch as Luhan, or Suho anymore. Kyungsoo and Lay shared a different period again this year too, so he went with Sophie and hungout with her girl friends who fangirled about fictional T.V. characters and celebrity gossip. Ethan, a person Sehun had managed to avoid pretty well during freshman year, ended up having his lunch as well.
High school seemed to do nothing for him him at all, except to encourage his antics by granting more like-minded people to follow him around and laugh at obnoxious jokes. Sehun felt a little safer, now that he wasn’t alone all the time and Ethan had others around to tease. He had a juice spilled on him once and was poked or teased often with stupid jabs about how his hair was ugly, or pants didn’t fit him right; but other than that, things weren’t so bad.
Sehun was bummed out more and more as he could only watch Luhan from a distance and hear others talk about him every now and then. He wanted to be able to say something to him, anything. But he couldn’t think of a right time or excuse, that wouldn’t seem awkward and forced. Every scenario he thought of, seemed to reveal his feelings too obviously. Sehun didn’t want him to think he liked him, or was creepy. Or a suck-up. He just wanted to get closer and get to know him better because he seemed like such a great guy.
One day it happened. He congratulated himself, jumping in the air, pumping his fist and grinning up at the sky. Luhan and him had talked! Well… Sehun had been able to spit out an “I like your jacket,” to which Luhan had sent him an earth shattering grin and replied “thanks, Sehun.”
It was a big step for Sehun, who couldn’t stop stupidly smiling the entire day, and a few more after that. Kyungsoo elbowed him with a knowing look, reminding him that Luhan was “just another person, like the rest of them,” and that he should stop obsessing. Kyungsoo regretted his scolding the next day, when Sehun had met him with a permanantly sullen expression.
News about one of Luhan’s latest conquests had broken out. This time, it had been a cute freshman named Katie. Katie was one of the star volleyball players, a left hitter who had impressively made JV. Her red hair caught the attention of many, her slim build with strong thighs and toned arms drew in quite a few admirers as well; but her eyes were the most striking, a light shade between amber and emerald. Sehun didn’t blame Luhan for picking her, he just wished he was her.
He wished he were a girl sometimes.
Not just so he could get close to Luhan; but because he wanted to be held and loved, adored and comforted. He wanted it to be okay to feel weak.
Since his mom had left, Sehun had never felt comfortable being himself. He had been thrust into school without knowing how to act or knowing why he cared so much about what other people thought about him. It made him feel more and more ashamed of how he was, because he wasn’t allowed to cry or be comforted. He couldn’t blame others, he could only direct the blame towards himself; and that blame eventually became hatred. Sehun didn’t like how inadequate he felt. His father treated him like he was nothing and told him he was pathetic.
Kyungsoo was always there for him once they got close, but he was never the kind of person to spell things out and declare them obviously. Sehun longed to hear promises and praise being affectionately and explicitly told to him. He simply wanted to feel like he was allowed to be loved and feel sad sometimes.
He fell into one of his slumps again after hearing Luhan was dating Katie. Although he knew Luhan was popular and dated girls before, this one made him feel worse than the others. Part of the reason was because he had felt stupid for getting so excited about their brief exchange of theirs. So he tried his best to get over it and put Luhan and his new girlfriend out of mind.
Which still didn’t mean that he wasn’t ecstatic to hear that they had broken up four months later. It was the typical length Luhan usually stayed committed. Sehun would hear of Luhan hooking up now and then at a party with someone, but when he was with someone he never cheated on them with anyone else. Maybe that was another reason why girls still went for him, even though they knew things probably wouldn’t last long. Luhan had dated one girl during his first year as a sophomore; and then two other girls along with Katie during his junior year, one of which, he’d taken to prom.
Sehun envied her above all others. It was his dream to go to prom with Luhan and be his date. Out of all of his lame fantasies he had of Luhan finally talking to him, secretly caring for him, or saving him from drowning, attending prom with the perfect date was a fantasy he had pictured since he was seven and his mom had showed him her old photos.
Next year, Sehun would be allowed to go. But what chances did he have of being able to make what he wanted to happen, come true? Luhan would probably be dating someone else by then. And why would he want to humiliate himself by having his date be a guy?
There were two known gay guys who were outted in their school. One of them, Michael, went about his business as if he didn’t give a shit that people stereotyped him all the time by asking “fashion advice” or attempting to deconstruct how someone could be “born that way.” The other guy, John, or Janice he liked to go by, knew people were going to talk and so he made a show of it by wearing fishnets and vintage dresses. He grew his hair out shoulder length and dyed it neon pink. He just did whatever he wanted.
Sehun wasn’t ready for any of that. He didn’t even know if he liked guys, he just knew that Luhan made his heart beat frantically like it was on it’s last tics. He made Sehun’s voice squeak and hands feel tingly and nervous. His mere presence was enough to bring him to his knees; and Sehun both loved and hated the feeling of becoming so emotionally powerless.
One good encounter could have him high for days, but news of Luhan having another fling left him sulking in Kyungsoo’s bed, demanding to be fed ice cream. His feelings were too much and too little at the same time. He wanted them to go away, but he also wanted it to mean something.
Sehun had thought about getting over his crush by being with someone else. Sophie had kissed him after his shift one day, during the summer before junior year. Sehun had just ended his shift scooping ice cream at a Ben and Jerry’s stand in the mall. Sophie and Suho were set to see him before going to see a movie, but she had made it there first. Sophie had leaned in and pecked him. Her lips were soft, but Sehun didn’t feeling anything but confusion afterwards. Not because his friend was kissing him, but because he had felt no magic at all.
After telling Kyungsoo about it, he gave Sehun the advice to try it again. And he did, one evening a week after that at Suho’s house where they were playing boardgames. It still didn’t make his heart feel like it was beating out of sync, or that his body was on fire. He didn’t understand how one smile from Luhan could make him feel ten times the emotion than a kiss from a cute girl, who he did like. But just as a friend.
Entering junior year, Sehun was determined to make his last year with Luhan count. He was fortunate enough to have gym class with him, where they did a lot of team activities. The class was composed of mainly Seniors, Juniors, and one or two sophomores. St. John’s required one year of PhyEd class, even if students were already enrolled in a sport.
Sehun was both terrified and eager to be put on the same team as Luhan, or partnered with him. Most of the time, guys would partner with each other because the girls were too shy or not competitive enough to participate with the same effort. Sehun saw Luhan often partner up with a taller guy named Brandon, who he recognized from cross country. He was also asked by someone named Frankie every so often when both their usual partners weren’t there.
Sehun somewhat enjoyed the team sports, because then he could stare at Luhan all he wanted to (when he had the ball, frisbee or puck) and it wouldn’t look suspicious. He only enjoyed it sometimes though, because it was hard to concentrate on playing when he was busy looking at him. An embarrassing incident had happened when they were playing kickball inside. The ball had been kicked right towards him to catch, but had he been too immersed in his Ludaydreams to notice; and instead of catching it like he was supposed to, he had been bonked in the side of the face. Nothing too critical, the humiliation burned more than his forehead. Both his main embarrassment and highlight of his day was when Luhan- a few steps over from him, had asked if he was okay.
Sehun was a fool to think he could pull off doing more than that.
He had come a long way since when he had first experienced school, and other people, but he still needed to go a lot further in order for his dream to come true. Sehun wasn’t expecting Luhan to love him, he just wanted the chance to make his feelings known. More than anything, if Luhan were to graduate without Sehun, just once, making a true effort to show he his own affections towards him, then he would be furious at himself for not trying at all. It was his last year with him, and he wanted to risk it.
The last few weeks of class came rolling around, and according to Sehun’s usual standards, he had made some small leaps and bounds- he had managed to ask Luhan if he wanted to be partners in warming up for baseball, on a day when Brandon and Frankie were both absent. He had also initiated a high five when Luhan had hit a homerun that won the game for their team. But in the grand scheme of things, this amounted to very little overall.
Prom was in a week, and he still couldn’t even call himself one of Luhan’s distant friends. He could probably be considered an acquaintance; and that was being generous, considering Luhan had so many connections from all four grades. Sehun doubted Luhan would think about him outside of class at all, unless he was the only one standing in front of him in an empty room. He knew his crush on the other was pathetic, especially because it was impossible. But he was determined not to make his three years spent infatuating over him, completely worthless. Out of the millions of doubts chipping away at his brain, the only thought that mattered was the one chance that his feeling could be returned back.
Sehun knows his crush will never like him back, but that doesn’t keep him from going to prom and hoping.
Part 2