#314: And the name was lost in the night
From: cathe0614
Title: And the name was lost in the night
Rating: G
Word Count: 3,900
Summary: After a chance encounter with Sehun, Luhan slowly falls in love but was ultimately unprepared for what was to happen to them.
Warning/s: None
You don’t see the way I look at you
When you are not looking at me
I wish that I could tell you every single thought I ever had
About you and me
But you don’t see me that way
- Safetysuit, You Don’t See Me
The story I’m about to tell you might not be as special as you think. What I propose to you, however, is for you to keep in mind that stories, as mundane as they are, need to be told not so much as because they are special, but that the one who tells it knows it is. And in my telling this, I hope that I can express to you the sincerity of each word and make you understand what exactly made this story special. It might not be one to sway a lot of people, but at the very least appeal to a small circle of kindred minds.
“He is the pencil sketch to the paper white monotony of my life: a vandal roughing through its immaculate course. Though somehow, the way it feels-as each impulsive stroke of the smooth graphite head skates on the virgin canvass to leave its silken dust-is such an obsessively, maddeningly satisfying experience that I cannot help but be addicted to it. So utterly perverse and yet I couldn’t help but hope, in secret, that when he looks at me, he sees the same.”
Stillness wrapped around them like a python choking its prey. They sat on this cold leather couch, unmoving, the overwhelming quiet focusing their senses that they could feel the weight of the dust dribble on their skin as it finally settles on their shoulders. Not an inch of movement, not a whisper of sound.
The deafening silence was unbearable. His chest cramped, and he could feel his heart swell as if it were about to balloon itself up his throat, choking him of his words. His mind rushed in panic and thoughts swirled in his head in a maelstrom. He's drowning in this quiet. He was in pain and he wished to pass out, but the slightest shift jolted him, jerking him up to the surface only to sink back to the pits of his madness.
He had imagined this moment so many times-finally mustered the courage to say everything he'd hidden for so long. But nothing could have prepared him for the situation they now found themselves in.
How do we even know if we're meant for each other?
Forgive me. I may have gotten ahead of myself. Why don’t we begin instead when they first met. Well, more specifically, the first time they’ve introduced themselves to each other. For you see, they’ve crossed paths so many times before you could fill a few pages of a notebook just listing them. On the train, in a café, or at a bus stop waiting; I could go on. They were oblivious to the world around them and had not an inkling of care for the way it works. Though many of us, I suppose, have long fallen victim to our own innocence, or perhaps that’s putting it too kindly: “to our own ignorance” might be more appropriate. Not that it would matter as Fate, ever so playful, would make its move one rainy night.
Luhan came running under the pouring rain having forgotten his umbrella, and the curtain of rain shower made it harder to see in the pitch-black night. It was one of those times that irked him. He hated being caught up in difficult situations, and despised feeling helpless. And when the sky showed no sign of stopping anytime soon, he only gave a brief thought about it then ran as fast as he could towards shelter. Getting drenched was the last of his worries and he just wanted to get home as soon as he can to have some much needed rest. Being alone wasn’t a problem, but this time he thought, it would have been great to have someone to depend on. It would’ve been nice to have someone he could call for help once in awhile.
He worried about getting sick and mused at the trouble he’d have to go through. The autumn rain was freezing, and the wind hammered the piercing cold through his body. But he had lost himself too long in thought, and without him realizing, he was tugged hard by the arm. And it was then that he saw them, the deepset pair of eyes that would swallow whole his world.
They were these eyes that glistened like river water in a warm summer day, and had the same melancholy air as it flows listlessly to unknown seas. For a moment, time for him seemed to have slowed to a halt-as if the droplets of rain themselves stopped in their tracks as he held his breath. He wanted to ask who, but his lips would not shape the words.
“Hey, with you standing in the rain like that, you'll catch a cold. Where do you live?”
Luhan snapped out of his thoughts. He couldn’t bring himself to face him in his embarrassment. He tried to compose himself, fixing his dress shirt, crumpled and heavy from having been soaked through the rain, and running a hand through his hair which was messy and covered his eyes.
“I'll walk you home,” the man says flatly.
They walked side by side through the streets, stealing glances at each other, but no one had the courage to speak first. Despite his embarrassment, Luhan felt safe in his presence. Then a passing thought, a long forgotten memory of a conversation with his mother echoed in his mind, “Friends. Good friends. They always come. Whether they go is up to you.” And that struck him, like a bolt of lightning: he might not meet this man again.
He isn’t much of a sociable person-shy and awkward and often mistaken for a snob-so he fussed over what would make for a good conversation. After a minute or two with his thoughts drifting away in between, an eternity to both of them, he finally broke through the sound of pattering rain in a bid to reach out.
“Thank you, really. My name’s Luhan,” he utters, perhaps, a little too loudly.
“Luhan?” The name rolled off Sehun’s tongue nicely, eyebrows raised in bewilderment.
Luhan chuckled. He was used to people’s hesitation when they pronounce his name. “Yes. I'm Chinese.”
A pause. Luhan swallowed hard and if it weren’t for the rain, would have been audible. But just before a sigh could break out of his lungs, his unexpected companion uttered, “Sehun. Oh Sehun.”
“Oh Sehun,” he mused. A fitting name for this samaritan.
“Sorry to be a burden, Sehun. You shouldn’t have bothered.”
They were a block away from Luhan’s home. They remained quiet for the rest of the walk home, but even so, there was something about his companion that gave him comfort. He silently wished for this moment not to end, if he could just hold the hands of the clock and stop them from moving, if he could just stretch the road to eternity...if only he could.
“I need to go. You don’t have to see me off.” He gave an assuring smile and motioned for Luhan to get inside.
That’s when Luhan looked up, and he got a good look at Sehun’s face. He was breathtaking. With the moon behind his back, Sehun had a faint halo of light draped on his shoulders, and his face matched the angelic form his body had taken. Luhan swore he’d never seen someone this beautiful.
He stood stiff by his front door as he saw Sehun turn his back.
“Sehun!” Hesitation colored Luhan’s voice. But the rain has muffled him and the name was lost in the night.
When will I see you again? Will I?
Even if Luhan doesn’t admit it-blaming it on not wanting to go home yet-he would always find himself waiting for a little while longer near the place where he first met Sehun. He wouldn’t admit to himself why, that something clawed in his chest for him to be there, a kind of desperation he’s never felt before. Somehow, he felt a connection.
About a week after, once or twice he had glimpsed the back of someone that looked like Sehun. The last time he was so sure of it that he called him out, but Sehun was busy talking on his phone that his words wouldn’t reach him. He felt a sharp sting but made no thought of it in the end, and would even very soon forget, though he knew, at the very back of his mind, he wanted for him to look his way again. He had quite nearly given up, too, and have grown bored of his new found ritual. Though Fate, as it would seem, wasn’t quite done with them just yet.
Among the many curiosities that fill and govern the world, some are yet to be declared by science as a fact if only because it is so common an experience that it no longer warrants examination and has long become a part of public knowledge. So Luhan, who prides himself to be a staunch believer in science and nothing else, and a harsh critic of the Romantic, would have never thought it possible. Though perhaps, no one in their sane mind ever would have figured that the things we see in movies and novels and poetry could ever be possible. Maybe not quite the same, but the odds were so far beyond comprehension, one might suspect something else is at work.
Luhan had lost himself in thought again, and walked right past the bus he needed to take. Finally noticing the speeding hulk of metal running past beside him, he stood for a moment, wide-eyed and mouth agape, before chasing the humming metal beast.
He managed to reach it just in time, not without effort mind you, and certainly not without the help of the driver’s attentiveness and kindness. But they were out of place, so when the driver had seen him comfortably a safe distance away from any danger, had his foot down the pedal again. The resulting motion and his inertia made him stumble and had him waving his arms in the air, grabbing hold of whatever they could, and finally finding themselves grasping, quite comfortably too, around a slender yet unexpectedly muscular body.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he kept repeating. Traffic had made the bus move rather unsteadily and his feet have yet to find ground so try as he could, his arms would not let go.
He hears a chuckle. “Here, let me help you up. Luhan.”
Who would have thought?
They started to meet frequently having found out they went home at the same time. This went on for days and the days stretched into weeks and the weeks into months. Without them knowing when, they became the closest of friends. Luhan would come to know Sehun’s friends and Sehun, his insecurities. They’d talk of the world and their dreams, their thoughts and their pains. The once lone Luhan very soon found the emptiest parts of him being filled by the hopes and dreams and friendship of Sehun. For once, for a very long time, he no longer felt alone.
He was happy. Now the thing about happiness is that it’s not something you can capture so easily in words, more so if you’re no poet--and to be honest, I’m not quite sure how to put it myself. He could only describe it like the feeling of undoing a hundred knots that bound your Christmas gift. So carefully tied and snapped into place, unfurling before your eyes with one smooth pull of the ribbon and watch it lengthen and curl beside the box. That excitement, that thrill of unraveling little by little, exposing what was--for a brief moment--anything and everything you had desired and hoped for whether you had wished for it before or not. He wasn’t alone anymore and it had given him this very happiness.
Now as it were before, being alone was never a problem. Luhan had a fondness for horror and made him appreciate being alone even more. He felt them to be more real than any other genre. Quite the surprising remark for someone so quick to dismiss the fantastic, but it is true. In fact, he would go on as far as to claim that no other genre is as closely grounded to reality as horror. Though it isn’t because he believes in the paranormal or any superstitious belief; he doesn’t believe in any of them at all. But it was because he believed that just like life is, horror is deeply rooted in tragedy. And how one bad day could lead to the worst possible scenario. So every time he’d remember, he would wonder how was it possible that he hadn’t seen any of it coming.
Sehun’s finally gotten the promotion he’d been working for for years, and he’s never been as happy. Luhan was genuinely happy for him, and yet, something about it didn’t feel right. He simply shrugged it off and made no mention of it. But in the following days they met less and less, and if boredom killed, he would have been a soul doomed to have his death repeated. So he decided to call one day, and he wasn’t disappointed. Sehun picked up with ecstasy in his voice.
“Sehun! It’s been a while!”
“Yeah! I’m glad you called. This job is killing me. How’ve you been, Luhan?” Papers ruffled and the faint buzz of people talking could be heard in the background.
“Same as always. Nothing to do.” He had asked what it was he was responsible of doing and if he was busy after work to which he promptly answers yes. It was to be expected, though it was hard to contain his disappointment.
From the buzzing crowd, the voice of a woman stood out, calling out to Sehun. “Hey, I gotta go. Some other time.”
Luhan had remarked on Sehun’s excitement despite having known him as a stoic, but as he was accustomed to do, made no thought of it and simply brushed it aside. He remembered with difficulty the things he needed to do and set out to clean his home for the day.
What Luhan wasn't expecting was that Sehun suddenly being too preoccupied. Sehun would tell Luhan to go home first for he still has work to do, or that he was waiting for his officemates. He would always apologize and tell Luhan that he would make up for it. Their frequent meet ups went down to twice a week, and Luhan brushed it off. He already knew how hectic Sehun’s position in the company is.
But something in him changed when he saw what was on Sehun’s social media account: a photo of Sehun with a girl when he declined Luhan’s offer to go out claiming to be leaving work late. And the way he looked at her… He tried to reason to himself why Sehun would lie to him, but a dull anger throbbed faintly in his mind and he could think of nothing else. He decided to call. It rang once. Twice. Six times, before Sehun picked up.
“Oh, hey Luhan. What’s up?” Sehun droned.
“Hey. Are you busy?” Luhan struggled to find the words.
“Yeah, a little bit.”
“Oh. Well, this’ll just be quick.”
“Okay…? Something wrong?”
“No...nothing.” Luhan faltered. Despite his efforts at keeping himself reserved, his nervousness was palpable. “I just wanted to ask what happened the other day. You sounded so busy, I thought maybe you were overworked.”
“Oh that? No, not really,” Sehun chuckled, “Did I worry you? Sorry about that. I went to a party actually. And there was this girl--God, Luhan, you should’ve been there, she was gorgeous!”
He felt the embers of his anger light up again, glowering angrily with every second. He’s never heard Sehun this excited before. He was always calm and reserved. He wanted to share with his happiness, but he couldn’t. “Well, did you invite me?” he said coldly.
“Oh. Yeah. I did try actually, but I lost reception at the floor. Now that the deadlines are past, they finally threw me a surprise party for getting promoted so I really thought I was going to do overtime ‘til the last minute.”
“Well, was it fun?” asked Luhan, his tone heavy with irony.
“...Is something the matter?” asked Sehun, after a moment. The question took Luhan by surprise and his tone made him feel awkward. He felt ridiculous over his sudden outburst at Sehun. He became conscious of himself, and instinctively, he tried to think up of ways to cover it up.
“No, no. I’m really interested. It’s just...you’re taking too long to tell me about this girl.” Luhan was now humble though he put every effort to sound jovial lest Sehun notice the shame now drumming on his chest.
“Ah, is that so? Oh, and here she is! Sorry, Luhan, but I gotta go. Let’s catch up some other time.” He hung up without another word and Luhan hung to the tone a full minute before hanging up himself.
Everything for him went downhill soon after when Sehun stopped responding to his messages. He kept imagining his days with Sehun, from when they first met to the very last time they spoke to each other. And it filled him with a sickening sadness that made him want to crumple up and puke. It felt like he was back to square one-going home alone and having no one to talk to; no one to share his ups and downs. Alone again.
He decided to stop by the coffee shop they used to frequent before going home. The newspaper had predicted this day to be first day of snow and the breeze outside was chilly. The warm and welcoming ambience of the place lightened his mood.
“Luhan?” he faintly heard someone shout his name, but he simply chalked it up to his imagination as he let himself be hypnotized by the drone of the machines and the chatter around him. By the time his macchiato had been prepared and handed to him, he heard someone mention his name again this time with much more confidence.
“Oy, Luhan!”
His eyes roamed the shop as he struggles to name someone who’d call out to him and saw a hand waving to his direction sticking out like a sore thumb. He was one of Sehun’s friends. He didn't know what to feel. He was scared that he might see Sehun, and he didn't know how he should react after not seeing him for weeks. He didn't know what to say. Would he say “Hi? Or How have you been? Why weren't you answering my messages?
He was overcome by panic, but his mind was wiped blank when he saw that Sehun had his arm wrapped around a woman’s shoulders. He couldn’t explain it, but he was trembling with annoyance and he felt his blood rushing through his veins. He felt himself breaking down right then and there, but he knew he would only look ridiculous. He was furious, but he also knew he didn’t have the right to be mad.
No sooner than he had looked, Sehun turned to him smiling and met his eyes with his. Instinctively, he had turned his back and walked hastily towards the exit, afraid that Sehun would see the shame stamped upon his cheeks. His imagination ran wild as he pictured Sehun’s friends mocking him for walking out on them, jeering and insulting him. And Sehun, would he have laughed? Would he have said anything to stop them? The embers of his anger glowed angrily in his chest and he could feel them boiling his blood from within his heart, like a wild furnace fire repeatedly stoked, spreading the blistering heat across his entire anatomy. That night would be the longest he’d know.
Sehun came knocking on his door. He wanted to pretend himself not home, that he would ignore the incessant knockings and the voice calling out to him. But he wanted himself to be the master of his strange mood. And he wanted to quell this glowering anger. So he came up to the door, dragging his feet and restraining himself from stomping them. He wanted vindication, he wanted to lash out with all the questions that had flooded his mind, but as soon as he had opened the door, he could only mutter, “Come in.”
They’d gone through the formalities of offering a seat and drinks. He’d prepared him some mocha and seated beside him while he nursed his macchiato in his lap, cold and untouched from when he had left the cafe.
“Why’d you leave so suddenly?” Sehun asked. His voice was veiled and sad, and it was so unexpected, Luhan had forgotten himself why.
Not another word was spoken since, and the steam of the mocha had gone from Sehun’s cup. Luhan’s mind was empty of words. The riot of emotions from before had settled and left nothing but a jumbled mess of thoughts though he knew, more resolutely now than he had before, what they had meant.
“Sehun. I don’t know how to say this,” he finally starts. Sehun kept quiet, but turned to look at him intently, waiting, perhaps wondering what could be so hard to say between them. Both of them took a minute, searching for what would be the right thing to say or do, and anticipating each other.
“For the longest time, Sehun, I’ve been in love with you. Of all the people my heart could’ve chosen, it decided to love someone who’d never have the heart to fall for me. My biggest mistake wasn’t falling in love with you. It was believing you’ve fallen for me, too. I recognize those eyes that you had for her. I recognize that smile and cheeriness. It was the same for me, too, and it’s painful. Seeing you fall in love with her the same way I fell in love with you.”
Stillness wrapped around them like a python choking its prey. They sat on this cold leather couch, unmoving, the overwhelming quiet focusing their senses that they could feel the weight of the dust dribble on their skin as it finally settles on their shoulders. Not an inch of movement, not a whisper of sound.
The deafening silence was unbearable. His chest cramped, and he could feel his heart swell as if it were about to balloon itself up his throat, choking him of his words. His mind rushed in panic and thoughts swirled in his head in a maelstrom. He's drowning in this quiet. He was in pain and he wished to pass out, but the slightest shift jolted him, jerking him up to the surface only to sink back to the pits of his madness.
He had imagined this moment so many times-finally mustered the courage to say everything he'd hidden for so long. But nothing could have prepared him for the situation they now found themselves in.
After a while Sehun stood up, thanked him for the mocha that was still untouched, and proceeded to walk towards the front door. Luhan searched his head for a reply but would find nothing but lame and useless ones. He heard the door open and then click to announce its closing. His entire body felt dumb and heavy. He clutched himself to stop it from heaving, crumpling his dress shirt, and his hair had become a mess as his hand ran through it instinctively, as if to console him.
“Sehun!” Despair colored Luhan’s voice. But his sobbing has muffled him and the name was lost in the night.
Author’s Note: After much difficulty, I finally managed to finish this story. Selubration was the first fic fest that I’ve joined so I’m excited but at the same time nervous. I would like to express my sincerest gratitude to my editor P, and my friends M, A, S, A and A, and most especially to the Selubration mods.
Title: And the name was lost in the night
Rating: G
Word Count: 3,900
Summary: After a chance encounter with Sehun, Luhan slowly falls in love but was ultimately unprepared for what was to happen to them.
Warning/s: None
You don’t see the way I look at you
When you are not looking at me
I wish that I could tell you every single thought I ever had
About you and me
But you don’t see me that way
- Safetysuit, You Don’t See Me
The story I’m about to tell you might not be as special as you think. What I propose to you, however, is for you to keep in mind that stories, as mundane as they are, need to be told not so much as because they are special, but that the one who tells it knows it is. And in my telling this, I hope that I can express to you the sincerity of each word and make you understand what exactly made this story special. It might not be one to sway a lot of people, but at the very least appeal to a small circle of kindred minds.
“He is the pencil sketch to the paper white monotony of my life: a vandal roughing through its immaculate course. Though somehow, the way it feels-as each impulsive stroke of the smooth graphite head skates on the virgin canvass to leave its silken dust-is such an obsessively, maddeningly satisfying experience that I cannot help but be addicted to it. So utterly perverse and yet I couldn’t help but hope, in secret, that when he looks at me, he sees the same.”
Stillness wrapped around them like a python choking its prey. They sat on this cold leather couch, unmoving, the overwhelming quiet focusing their senses that they could feel the weight of the dust dribble on their skin as it finally settles on their shoulders. Not an inch of movement, not a whisper of sound.
The deafening silence was unbearable. His chest cramped, and he could feel his heart swell as if it were about to balloon itself up his throat, choking him of his words. His mind rushed in panic and thoughts swirled in his head in a maelstrom. He's drowning in this quiet. He was in pain and he wished to pass out, but the slightest shift jolted him, jerking him up to the surface only to sink back to the pits of his madness.
He had imagined this moment so many times-finally mustered the courage to say everything he'd hidden for so long. But nothing could have prepared him for the situation they now found themselves in.
How do we even know if we're meant for each other?
Forgive me. I may have gotten ahead of myself. Why don’t we begin instead when they first met. Well, more specifically, the first time they’ve introduced themselves to each other. For you see, they’ve crossed paths so many times before you could fill a few pages of a notebook just listing them. On the train, in a café, or at a bus stop waiting; I could go on. They were oblivious to the world around them and had not an inkling of care for the way it works. Though many of us, I suppose, have long fallen victim to our own innocence, or perhaps that’s putting it too kindly: “to our own ignorance” might be more appropriate. Not that it would matter as Fate, ever so playful, would make its move one rainy night.
Luhan came running under the pouring rain having forgotten his umbrella, and the curtain of rain shower made it harder to see in the pitch-black night. It was one of those times that irked him. He hated being caught up in difficult situations, and despised feeling helpless. And when the sky showed no sign of stopping anytime soon, he only gave a brief thought about it then ran as fast as he could towards shelter. Getting drenched was the last of his worries and he just wanted to get home as soon as he can to have some much needed rest. Being alone wasn’t a problem, but this time he thought, it would have been great to have someone to depend on. It would’ve been nice to have someone he could call for help once in awhile.
He worried about getting sick and mused at the trouble he’d have to go through. The autumn rain was freezing, and the wind hammered the piercing cold through his body. But he had lost himself too long in thought, and without him realizing, he was tugged hard by the arm. And it was then that he saw them, the deepset pair of eyes that would swallow whole his world.
They were these eyes that glistened like river water in a warm summer day, and had the same melancholy air as it flows listlessly to unknown seas. For a moment, time for him seemed to have slowed to a halt-as if the droplets of rain themselves stopped in their tracks as he held his breath. He wanted to ask who, but his lips would not shape the words.
“Hey, with you standing in the rain like that, you'll catch a cold. Where do you live?”
Luhan snapped out of his thoughts. He couldn’t bring himself to face him in his embarrassment. He tried to compose himself, fixing his dress shirt, crumpled and heavy from having been soaked through the rain, and running a hand through his hair which was messy and covered his eyes.
“I'll walk you home,” the man says flatly.
They walked side by side through the streets, stealing glances at each other, but no one had the courage to speak first. Despite his embarrassment, Luhan felt safe in his presence. Then a passing thought, a long forgotten memory of a conversation with his mother echoed in his mind, “Friends. Good friends. They always come. Whether they go is up to you.” And that struck him, like a bolt of lightning: he might not meet this man again.
He isn’t much of a sociable person-shy and awkward and often mistaken for a snob-so he fussed over what would make for a good conversation. After a minute or two with his thoughts drifting away in between, an eternity to both of them, he finally broke through the sound of pattering rain in a bid to reach out.
“Thank you, really. My name’s Luhan,” he utters, perhaps, a little too loudly.
“Luhan?” The name rolled off Sehun’s tongue nicely, eyebrows raised in bewilderment.
Luhan chuckled. He was used to people’s hesitation when they pronounce his name. “Yes. I'm Chinese.”
A pause. Luhan swallowed hard and if it weren’t for the rain, would have been audible. But just before a sigh could break out of his lungs, his unexpected companion uttered, “Sehun. Oh Sehun.”
“Oh Sehun,” he mused. A fitting name for this samaritan.
“Sorry to be a burden, Sehun. You shouldn’t have bothered.”
They were a block away from Luhan’s home. They remained quiet for the rest of the walk home, but even so, there was something about his companion that gave him comfort. He silently wished for this moment not to end, if he could just hold the hands of the clock and stop them from moving, if he could just stretch the road to eternity...if only he could.
“I need to go. You don’t have to see me off.” He gave an assuring smile and motioned for Luhan to get inside.
That’s when Luhan looked up, and he got a good look at Sehun’s face. He was breathtaking. With the moon behind his back, Sehun had a faint halo of light draped on his shoulders, and his face matched the angelic form his body had taken. Luhan swore he’d never seen someone this beautiful.
He stood stiff by his front door as he saw Sehun turn his back.
“Sehun!” Hesitation colored Luhan’s voice. But the rain has muffled him and the name was lost in the night.
When will I see you again? Will I?
Even if Luhan doesn’t admit it-blaming it on not wanting to go home yet-he would always find himself waiting for a little while longer near the place where he first met Sehun. He wouldn’t admit to himself why, that something clawed in his chest for him to be there, a kind of desperation he’s never felt before. Somehow, he felt a connection.
About a week after, once or twice he had glimpsed the back of someone that looked like Sehun. The last time he was so sure of it that he called him out, but Sehun was busy talking on his phone that his words wouldn’t reach him. He felt a sharp sting but made no thought of it in the end, and would even very soon forget, though he knew, at the very back of his mind, he wanted for him to look his way again. He had quite nearly given up, too, and have grown bored of his new found ritual. Though Fate, as it would seem, wasn’t quite done with them just yet.
Among the many curiosities that fill and govern the world, some are yet to be declared by science as a fact if only because it is so common an experience that it no longer warrants examination and has long become a part of public knowledge. So Luhan, who prides himself to be a staunch believer in science and nothing else, and a harsh critic of the Romantic, would have never thought it possible. Though perhaps, no one in their sane mind ever would have figured that the things we see in movies and novels and poetry could ever be possible. Maybe not quite the same, but the odds were so far beyond comprehension, one might suspect something else is at work.
Luhan had lost himself in thought again, and walked right past the bus he needed to take. Finally noticing the speeding hulk of metal running past beside him, he stood for a moment, wide-eyed and mouth agape, before chasing the humming metal beast.
He managed to reach it just in time, not without effort mind you, and certainly not without the help of the driver’s attentiveness and kindness. But they were out of place, so when the driver had seen him comfortably a safe distance away from any danger, had his foot down the pedal again. The resulting motion and his inertia made him stumble and had him waving his arms in the air, grabbing hold of whatever they could, and finally finding themselves grasping, quite comfortably too, around a slender yet unexpectedly muscular body.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he kept repeating. Traffic had made the bus move rather unsteadily and his feet have yet to find ground so try as he could, his arms would not let go.
He hears a chuckle. “Here, let me help you up. Luhan.”
Who would have thought?
They started to meet frequently having found out they went home at the same time. This went on for days and the days stretched into weeks and the weeks into months. Without them knowing when, they became the closest of friends. Luhan would come to know Sehun’s friends and Sehun, his insecurities. They’d talk of the world and their dreams, their thoughts and their pains. The once lone Luhan very soon found the emptiest parts of him being filled by the hopes and dreams and friendship of Sehun. For once, for a very long time, he no longer felt alone.
He was happy. Now the thing about happiness is that it’s not something you can capture so easily in words, more so if you’re no poet--and to be honest, I’m not quite sure how to put it myself. He could only describe it like the feeling of undoing a hundred knots that bound your Christmas gift. So carefully tied and snapped into place, unfurling before your eyes with one smooth pull of the ribbon and watch it lengthen and curl beside the box. That excitement, that thrill of unraveling little by little, exposing what was--for a brief moment--anything and everything you had desired and hoped for whether you had wished for it before or not. He wasn’t alone anymore and it had given him this very happiness.
Now as it were before, being alone was never a problem. Luhan had a fondness for horror and made him appreciate being alone even more. He felt them to be more real than any other genre. Quite the surprising remark for someone so quick to dismiss the fantastic, but it is true. In fact, he would go on as far as to claim that no other genre is as closely grounded to reality as horror. Though it isn’t because he believes in the paranormal or any superstitious belief; he doesn’t believe in any of them at all. But it was because he believed that just like life is, horror is deeply rooted in tragedy. And how one bad day could lead to the worst possible scenario. So every time he’d remember, he would wonder how was it possible that he hadn’t seen any of it coming.
Sehun’s finally gotten the promotion he’d been working for for years, and he’s never been as happy. Luhan was genuinely happy for him, and yet, something about it didn’t feel right. He simply shrugged it off and made no mention of it. But in the following days they met less and less, and if boredom killed, he would have been a soul doomed to have his death repeated. So he decided to call one day, and he wasn’t disappointed. Sehun picked up with ecstasy in his voice.
“Sehun! It’s been a while!”
“Yeah! I’m glad you called. This job is killing me. How’ve you been, Luhan?” Papers ruffled and the faint buzz of people talking could be heard in the background.
“Same as always. Nothing to do.” He had asked what it was he was responsible of doing and if he was busy after work to which he promptly answers yes. It was to be expected, though it was hard to contain his disappointment.
From the buzzing crowd, the voice of a woman stood out, calling out to Sehun. “Hey, I gotta go. Some other time.”
Luhan had remarked on Sehun’s excitement despite having known him as a stoic, but as he was accustomed to do, made no thought of it and simply brushed it aside. He remembered with difficulty the things he needed to do and set out to clean his home for the day.
What Luhan wasn't expecting was that Sehun suddenly being too preoccupied. Sehun would tell Luhan to go home first for he still has work to do, or that he was waiting for his officemates. He would always apologize and tell Luhan that he would make up for it. Their frequent meet ups went down to twice a week, and Luhan brushed it off. He already knew how hectic Sehun’s position in the company is.
But something in him changed when he saw what was on Sehun’s social media account: a photo of Sehun with a girl when he declined Luhan’s offer to go out claiming to be leaving work late. And the way he looked at her… He tried to reason to himself why Sehun would lie to him, but a dull anger throbbed faintly in his mind and he could think of nothing else. He decided to call. It rang once. Twice. Six times, before Sehun picked up.
“Oh, hey Luhan. What’s up?” Sehun droned.
“Hey. Are you busy?” Luhan struggled to find the words.
“Yeah, a little bit.”
“Oh. Well, this’ll just be quick.”
“Okay…? Something wrong?”
“No...nothing.” Luhan faltered. Despite his efforts at keeping himself reserved, his nervousness was palpable. “I just wanted to ask what happened the other day. You sounded so busy, I thought maybe you were overworked.”
“Oh that? No, not really,” Sehun chuckled, “Did I worry you? Sorry about that. I went to a party actually. And there was this girl--God, Luhan, you should’ve been there, she was gorgeous!”
He felt the embers of his anger light up again, glowering angrily with every second. He’s never heard Sehun this excited before. He was always calm and reserved. He wanted to share with his happiness, but he couldn’t. “Well, did you invite me?” he said coldly.
“Oh. Yeah. I did try actually, but I lost reception at the floor. Now that the deadlines are past, they finally threw me a surprise party for getting promoted so I really thought I was going to do overtime ‘til the last minute.”
“Well, was it fun?” asked Luhan, his tone heavy with irony.
“...Is something the matter?” asked Sehun, after a moment. The question took Luhan by surprise and his tone made him feel awkward. He felt ridiculous over his sudden outburst at Sehun. He became conscious of himself, and instinctively, he tried to think up of ways to cover it up.
“No, no. I’m really interested. It’s just...you’re taking too long to tell me about this girl.” Luhan was now humble though he put every effort to sound jovial lest Sehun notice the shame now drumming on his chest.
“Ah, is that so? Oh, and here she is! Sorry, Luhan, but I gotta go. Let’s catch up some other time.” He hung up without another word and Luhan hung to the tone a full minute before hanging up himself.
Everything for him went downhill soon after when Sehun stopped responding to his messages. He kept imagining his days with Sehun, from when they first met to the very last time they spoke to each other. And it filled him with a sickening sadness that made him want to crumple up and puke. It felt like he was back to square one-going home alone and having no one to talk to; no one to share his ups and downs. Alone again.
He decided to stop by the coffee shop they used to frequent before going home. The newspaper had predicted this day to be first day of snow and the breeze outside was chilly. The warm and welcoming ambience of the place lightened his mood.
“Luhan?” he faintly heard someone shout his name, but he simply chalked it up to his imagination as he let himself be hypnotized by the drone of the machines and the chatter around him. By the time his macchiato had been prepared and handed to him, he heard someone mention his name again this time with much more confidence.
“Oy, Luhan!”
His eyes roamed the shop as he struggles to name someone who’d call out to him and saw a hand waving to his direction sticking out like a sore thumb. He was one of Sehun’s friends. He didn't know what to feel. He was scared that he might see Sehun, and he didn't know how he should react after not seeing him for weeks. He didn't know what to say. Would he say “Hi? Or How have you been? Why weren't you answering my messages?
He was overcome by panic, but his mind was wiped blank when he saw that Sehun had his arm wrapped around a woman’s shoulders. He couldn’t explain it, but he was trembling with annoyance and he felt his blood rushing through his veins. He felt himself breaking down right then and there, but he knew he would only look ridiculous. He was furious, but he also knew he didn’t have the right to be mad.
No sooner than he had looked, Sehun turned to him smiling and met his eyes with his. Instinctively, he had turned his back and walked hastily towards the exit, afraid that Sehun would see the shame stamped upon his cheeks. His imagination ran wild as he pictured Sehun’s friends mocking him for walking out on them, jeering and insulting him. And Sehun, would he have laughed? Would he have said anything to stop them? The embers of his anger glowed angrily in his chest and he could feel them boiling his blood from within his heart, like a wild furnace fire repeatedly stoked, spreading the blistering heat across his entire anatomy. That night would be the longest he’d know.
Sehun came knocking on his door. He wanted to pretend himself not home, that he would ignore the incessant knockings and the voice calling out to him. But he wanted himself to be the master of his strange mood. And he wanted to quell this glowering anger. So he came up to the door, dragging his feet and restraining himself from stomping them. He wanted vindication, he wanted to lash out with all the questions that had flooded his mind, but as soon as he had opened the door, he could only mutter, “Come in.”
They’d gone through the formalities of offering a seat and drinks. He’d prepared him some mocha and seated beside him while he nursed his macchiato in his lap, cold and untouched from when he had left the cafe.
“Why’d you leave so suddenly?” Sehun asked. His voice was veiled and sad, and it was so unexpected, Luhan had forgotten himself why.
Not another word was spoken since, and the steam of the mocha had gone from Sehun’s cup. Luhan’s mind was empty of words. The riot of emotions from before had settled and left nothing but a jumbled mess of thoughts though he knew, more resolutely now than he had before, what they had meant.
“Sehun. I don’t know how to say this,” he finally starts. Sehun kept quiet, but turned to look at him intently, waiting, perhaps wondering what could be so hard to say between them. Both of them took a minute, searching for what would be the right thing to say or do, and anticipating each other.
“For the longest time, Sehun, I’ve been in love with you. Of all the people my heart could’ve chosen, it decided to love someone who’d never have the heart to fall for me. My biggest mistake wasn’t falling in love with you. It was believing you’ve fallen for me, too. I recognize those eyes that you had for her. I recognize that smile and cheeriness. It was the same for me, too, and it’s painful. Seeing you fall in love with her the same way I fell in love with you.”
Stillness wrapped around them like a python choking its prey. They sat on this cold leather couch, unmoving, the overwhelming quiet focusing their senses that they could feel the weight of the dust dribble on their skin as it finally settles on their shoulders. Not an inch of movement, not a whisper of sound.
The deafening silence was unbearable. His chest cramped, and he could feel his heart swell as if it were about to balloon itself up his throat, choking him of his words. His mind rushed in panic and thoughts swirled in his head in a maelstrom. He's drowning in this quiet. He was in pain and he wished to pass out, but the slightest shift jolted him, jerking him up to the surface only to sink back to the pits of his madness.
He had imagined this moment so many times-finally mustered the courage to say everything he'd hidden for so long. But nothing could have prepared him for the situation they now found themselves in.
After a while Sehun stood up, thanked him for the mocha that was still untouched, and proceeded to walk towards the front door. Luhan searched his head for a reply but would find nothing but lame and useless ones. He heard the door open and then click to announce its closing. His entire body felt dumb and heavy. He clutched himself to stop it from heaving, crumpling his dress shirt, and his hair had become a mess as his hand ran through it instinctively, as if to console him.
“Sehun!” Despair colored Luhan’s voice. But his sobbing has muffled him and the name was lost in the night.
Author’s Note: After much difficulty, I finally managed to finish this story. Selubration was the first fic fest that I’ve joined so I’m excited but at the same time nervous. I would like to express my sincerest gratitude to my editor P, and my friends M, A, S, A and A, and most especially to the Selubration mods.