I Breathe You In (My Heart Beats Again)
From: yeongwonhi9094
Title: I Breathe You In (My Heart Beats Again)
Rating: PG
Word Count: 2,800 words
Prompt: Delirium: a desperate pseudo-reality conjured by a restless mind and a yearning heart.
Warning/s: Alcoholism(?) and mentions of self-harm
“If this is just a dream, I won’t give it back. I’ll find a way to make it last. One more minute. Wait. Wait. Wait, don’t go.” - David Archuleta
Aside from the loud upbeat music playing through the speakers, only quick pants and intakes of breath along with constant squeaks of shoes against the well-polished floor can be heard across the room. The smell of sweat was strong but he couldn’t care less. He was trying to lose himself in his routine for the past few hours or so; simply wanting to forget the memories and most importantly, the pain.
It works. Well, almost.
Succumbing to exhaustion, Sehun turns off the stereo and lies down on the floor. He stares up at the ceiling, slowly catching his breath. Not a single sound can be heard considering that group practices have already ended hours before. So, with no need to put up his cold façade, he lets the tears run down the sides of his face. It was only in times like this that Sehun could freely show his emotions.
He misses him so bad. Lu Han.
A year has passed but Sehun still hasn’t moved on. It’s been a year since that heart-breaking night of September 2014. But whenever he closes his eyes, he can still vividly recall everything that happened…
“FINE!” Sehun bellowed. The couple had been constantly having argument the past few weeks. With their busy schedules causing the members tremendous stress and exhaustion, it wasn’t surprising for them to be irate and for them to lash out at one another.
With Lu Han’s worsening health condition, all the doe-eyed boy wanted was to take a break and maybe visit his family and spend time with them. But Sehun wanted to hear none of it. The more the elder insisted, the angrier Sehun became. Until one night, all of Sehun’s pent-up frustration and stress surfaced with none other than Lu Han at the receiving end.
“Go home then!” the maknae continued. “If that’s even what you really want to do.”
Lu Han only stared at him in confusion.
“Oh c’mon, hyung! Do you really think I’m stupid? I know for a fact that you only want to follow Kris-hyung.”
“Follow… Kris? I-I don’t know what you mean, Sehunnie.”
“Oh really? Playing innocent now, are we?” the younger shook his head and scoffed. “Well I’ve certainly heard the rumours and I know you like him. And you know what else, hyung? All of it doesn’t even matter anymore. You can go home for all I care! You can even follow Kris to the ends of the world, I no longer give a damn! We’re finished!”
“Wha-What do you mean we’re finished? Surely, you don’t mean…” the pretty one carefully asked as tears slowly gathered in his eyes.
“I meant exactly what I said, Lu Han. We-” He even gestured between them as if to emphasize. “-are through.”
“No. Sehunnie-” Lu Han tries to reach out despite the tears blurring his vision, only to be harshly brushed off by the other who was already making his way out of their shared room.
“Save it for someone who actually cares, hyung. Because I sure as hell don’t.”
Things became rough after that. Lu Han would always try to approach the younger to patch things up but it was of no use. Sehun would either give him the cold shoulder, a blank stare, or a deathly glare. But most often than not, the maknae would carry on as if Lu Han wasn’t even there, as if he never even existed.
Though it pains him to be treated like that, the doe-eyed boy continues to give his best efforts in mending their broken relationship. He does his best to catch up with the younger no matter where he goes even though all of it only ends up in vain.
However, there is a certain limit to what one can endure.
So with his worsening condition, Lu Han gives up. After all the chase, he came to realize that the younger simply doesn’t love him anymore. Sehun is hell-bent on moving on, so Lu Han has no other choice than to let him go. With a reluctant and very battered heart, he goes home; turning his back from everything and everyone, from Korea, and from the only man he ever loved.
The news of Lu Han’s departure came off as a shock to Sehun. He honestly didn’t expect that Lu Han will leave him. What’s worse is that the other members seem to have already known and are now constantly sending pitiful glances at him. Not wanting to seem weak, he shrugged it off and kept his poker face on. What he felt, he poured into improving his every performance instead.
When news of SM filing a lawsuit against Lu Han arose, Sehun felt giddy inside. Seriously, it was about time this stupid company did something to bring his baby back. He totally sides with SM on this one. For, what right did Lu Han think he had to leave him behind? So Sehun is feeling smug. It was only a matter of time. He’ll have his Lu Han back soon.
Every time Lu Han would have an event such as guest appearances or press cons, all the other members would check on the previews and updates seeing as they are terribly missing the doe-eyed boy as well. They’d even talk about it for the sake of their maknae who keeps on muttering “Stupid company! Can’t even control their artists.” Sehun would continue to act as though he didn’t care even if, deep inside, he was fuming.
After months of being in denial, Sehun finally crumbles down. It was a hopeless case. Lu Han is gone. He’s never going back. And the painful reality hits him all at once.
It started the moment his eyes landed on a familiar figure amongst the crowd while they were on their concert stage. It was for a brief second that he locked gazes with him, but it was enough to destroy every barrier Sehun had put up within his heart. He keeps messing up their choreography and he’s missing his lines. He just couldn’t focus. But when he looked back, he was no longer there. Sehun didn’t know if he was really there but it was most likely just a product of his imagination, a mirage his yearning heart had conceived.
With tears welling up in his eyes, Sehun knows he can deny this no longer.
Depression had caught Sehun in its grasp. Everything seemed normal at first, considering that the maknae had a quiet demeanour. But when he suddenly stopped interacting with the other members and just preferred to lock himself up in his room, it caught the attention of his hyungs. It seemed as though their maknae was in a wreck. He’s constantly late for their schedules and couldn’t focus on work. When he showed up with bruises on his body, the other members decided to intervene.
The other members know that their maknae was suffering but they never knew it was to this extent. Ever since the “accident” (or so their youngest had called it) that caused the bruises, they have been very anxious about the latter. But when they arrived at their dorm one night to find Sehun punching, hurting, and screaming at himself, they were at a loss for words. They became more cautious when it came to the broken man in front of them.
After the onslaught of memories, Sehun picks himself up and wipes the tears away. He doesn’t care that he looks like a wreck and that his eyes are red and swollen. Because at the moment, he just feels tired. Tired of everything.
Still feeling lonesome and distraught, he heads out and goes to his usual pub. Now, Sehun wasn’t really an alcoholic per se. It was actually Kai and Chanyeol’s idea. Since the urge to punish himself came more often, they brought him here one night saying it'd be better to drown himself in liquor than to physically torment himself. At first, Sehun thought it was stupid. But then he realized he could no longer argue with that because, later that night, he swears he saw him. His Lu Han, his pretty little Lu Han. And thus, from then on, it became a frequent habit.
Hours passed and he’s still downing too many shots. His head is starting to ache and everything feels fuzzy. His vision starts to blur however he can still make out a familiar figure at the far end corner. He feels a tap on his shoulder and turns to see Junmyeon looking down at him. It causes the maknae to let out a scoff. How typical it is for leader hyung to look out for his members. He turns away and leans his head on the countertop. As his vision dims out, Sehun smiles as he sees haunting doe eyes looking back at him.
Sehun awakens to sobs and fists softly hitting his chest. Disoriented, he looks around and finds that he’s in his room, lying on his bed. But then, he takes notice of a small figure curled up against him. The latter was slightly lying on top of him, hitting his chest and crying. And when this person raised his head, Sehun was left in awe.
Though the room was covered in darkness, with only a faint light streaming from the outside, this barely illuminated beauty still managed to render him speechless. He has seen him often in dreams like this; however, the doe-eyed beauty leaves him breathless every single time.
“What do you think you’re doing?! You idiot!” The other cried out, breaking Sehun from his trance. And yet, all he could think of was that despite the tears, he’s still so beautiful.
“Lu Han…”
“You stupid stupid man!” The elder whines as he continuously slaps the other’s chest. “Why are you hurting yourself like this?”
To which, Sehun just laughs. “You’re still whiny as ever.” After a moment of silence, he reached out and held the other’s hands. He softly spoke “Why am I drowning myself in liquor? Because it’s the only way I get to see you anymore, hyung.”
“Sehun…”
“Lu Han…” He stares straight into the elder’s eyes and smiled. “I love you. Always have and always will.”
The Chinese male just stared at him in stunned silence. Sehun wanted nothing more than to erase the doubt and pain reflected in Lu Han’s eyes. “I’m sorry for all the pain I’ve caused you. You’re right, I’m stupid. I’m so stupid Hannie-ah. I’m so stupid to have let you go that night. I was so sure that I could live without you even though the truth is that I go crazy if I lose sight of you even just for a minute. I knew I wouldn’t last long and I wanted nothing else than to crawl back to you but I let my pride get the best of me. I regret ignoring your calls and messages. I regret not showing you how much I love you. But most of all, I regret not holding on to you the moment you started walking away from me.”
With the truth out in the open, the maknae couldn’t help but feel vulnerable.
More so, seeing the tears run down Lu Han’s beautiful face makes the pain more evident. With a cautious hand, Sehun gingerly wipes them away. “I’m sorry, hyung. Even in my dreams, all I ever do is make you cry.”
The statement only proves how much pain and self-loathing the younger has. It causes Lu Han to choke on a sob. “No. You know that’s not true, Sehunnie.”
“Sehunnie… How I’ve missed hearing that from you.” The maknae lets out a sad smile while the Chinese boy just kept on crying, his face buried on the former’s chest. “Hush now, hyung. I’m here. You’re here. We’re together. Even just for tonight, at least I get to keep you in my arms.”
“Oh Sehunnie…”
“I love you, hyung. Please stay with me. Please come back to me. Please don’t leave me again.”
They stay like that, lying in each other’s arms, basking in each other’s presence. Lu Han started to hum a lullaby, like he always did, as Sehun gently rubbed his back ‘til they both fall asleep.
It was peaceful.
It was calm.
It was familiar.
It was perfect.
Some time that night, Lu Han awoke to Sehun’s warmth and steady breathing. He reluctantly pulled away and sat up, not wanting to wake the younger as well. He spent a few minutes (or was it an hour?) just staring at Sehun’s face. He looked so calm, so peaceful, and so serene. Lu Han carefully pushed away a few strands of hair from the younger’s eyes as he willed the tears away. Ever so softly, he caressed the maknae’s cheeks, touch ghosting through the younger’s lips.
He never thought leaving for the second time around would be much harder and painful than the first. Pressing his lips against Sehun’s own, he let the tears fall as he gave one final lingering kiss. “If we are truly destined for each other, then love will find a way for us to be together.”
Gathering himself together, Lu Han stood up and quietly left the room.
“ Lu-ge…”
Lu Han visibly stiffens but later turns around. He sees Yixing standing there, looking at him with sad eyes.
“Yixing…” he calls out in greeting.
“Until when will you be doing this, ge?” Yixing, however, had no plans of beating around the bush.
“What do you mean, Xing-ah?”
Yixing glowers at him. He doesn’t want to play mind games right now. He just simply wants to knock some sense into his doe-eyed friend. “Seriously, hyung. You can’t fool me. I know you’ve been attending a few of our concerts in secret.”
With this, Lu Han is stunned into silence. He really can’t say anything to counter that because it’s true. He’s been attending a few of the group’s concerts in China, just wanting to catch a glimpse of a certain poker-faced maknae.
Knowing he caught Lu Han red-handed, Yixing continued. “Hyung, Sehun is destroying himself. And I can see that it greatly affects you. You’re both hurting. So when will you end this, ge?”
Not wanting to deal with a confrontation, Lu Han continues to play innocent despite the tears gathering in his eyes. “I don’t know what you mean, Xing.”
“When will you stop running away from your feelings, ge?!! I know you still love him!” Yixing blurts out. He’s fed up of the lies and excuses. He simply wants Lu Han to see reason and he can only do so by being straightforward.
“I…” Lu Han is dumbfounded. He’s confused, and hurting, and his mind is just all over the place. He knows what Yixing is saying is true but it doesn’t ease the pain inside him, most importantly: the fear.
The tears start to fall from Lu Han’s eyes and his body just starts to shake. “I don’t know, Yixing. I just… can’t. Not yet.”
Now this caught Yixing off-guard. When he said his goodbyes a year ago, the doe-eyed boy sounded so calm. In fact, he was even smiling. So Yixing and the other members thought he was happy. Or at least pretended to be. But now, Lu Han sounded so broken that Yixing knows he hit a nerve. Gone was the Lu Han that seemed so strong. The façade broke down and it bared this weak, vulnerable, broken boy standing in front of him. Yixing suddenly felt guilt. “Ge…”
Lu Han quickly tried to regain his composure. He sniffed and wiped the tears away. Then he raised his head and gave a melancholic smile. “The wounds are still fresh, Xing-ah. Yes, they may have gotten better with the past year but I’m just starting to fully heal. I… I don’t think I’m ready to expose myself to inevitable pain. At least, not yet.”
Lu Han eventually walks away.
Sehun was greeted by the morning breeze, birds chirping, and rays of sunlight. Oh what a beautiful day, he thought with a smile. Without even opening his eyes, he turned to the side - wanting to snuggle with the angel in his arms. But then he noticed that his arms felt empty and that the other side of the bed felt cold. Finally having the courage to face reality, he opened his eyes and stared at the empty space next to him.
Sehun didn’t know if he should laugh or cry. ‘Cause fuck! Last night felt so real that he could even smell Lu Han’s perfume lingering in the air. He can still feel the press of the elder’s body and lips against him. All of it just felt so damn fucking real that Sehun ends up breaking down.
For when the illusion faded, he realized everything was nothing but a dream.
Author’s Note: It’s already been a year since Lu Han’s last stage with EXO. o(╥﹏╥)o I still miss him. But, at the same time, I’m happy that he’s doing fine. Not to mention, HunHan is still in sync. ;)
Anyway, thank you so much for reading! Happy Holidays! ~
Title: I Breathe You In (My Heart Beats Again)
Rating: PG
Word Count: 2,800 words
Prompt: Delirium: a desperate pseudo-reality conjured by a restless mind and a yearning heart.
Warning/s: Alcoholism(?) and mentions of self-harm
“If this is just a dream, I won’t give it back. I’ll find a way to make it last. One more minute. Wait. Wait. Wait, don’t go.” - David Archuleta
Aside from the loud upbeat music playing through the speakers, only quick pants and intakes of breath along with constant squeaks of shoes against the well-polished floor can be heard across the room. The smell of sweat was strong but he couldn’t care less. He was trying to lose himself in his routine for the past few hours or so; simply wanting to forget the memories and most importantly, the pain.
It works. Well, almost.
Succumbing to exhaustion, Sehun turns off the stereo and lies down on the floor. He stares up at the ceiling, slowly catching his breath. Not a single sound can be heard considering that group practices have already ended hours before. So, with no need to put up his cold façade, he lets the tears run down the sides of his face. It was only in times like this that Sehun could freely show his emotions.
He misses him so bad. Lu Han.
A year has passed but Sehun still hasn’t moved on. It’s been a year since that heart-breaking night of September 2014. But whenever he closes his eyes, he can still vividly recall everything that happened…
“FINE!” Sehun bellowed. The couple had been constantly having argument the past few weeks. With their busy schedules causing the members tremendous stress and exhaustion, it wasn’t surprising for them to be irate and for them to lash out at one another.
With Lu Han’s worsening health condition, all the doe-eyed boy wanted was to take a break and maybe visit his family and spend time with them. But Sehun wanted to hear none of it. The more the elder insisted, the angrier Sehun became. Until one night, all of Sehun’s pent-up frustration and stress surfaced with none other than Lu Han at the receiving end.
“Go home then!” the maknae continued. “If that’s even what you really want to do.”
Lu Han only stared at him in confusion.
“Oh c’mon, hyung! Do you really think I’m stupid? I know for a fact that you only want to follow Kris-hyung.”
“Follow… Kris? I-I don’t know what you mean, Sehunnie.”
“Oh really? Playing innocent now, are we?” the younger shook his head and scoffed. “Well I’ve certainly heard the rumours and I know you like him. And you know what else, hyung? All of it doesn’t even matter anymore. You can go home for all I care! You can even follow Kris to the ends of the world, I no longer give a damn! We’re finished!”
“Wha-What do you mean we’re finished? Surely, you don’t mean…” the pretty one carefully asked as tears slowly gathered in his eyes.
“I meant exactly what I said, Lu Han. We-” He even gestured between them as if to emphasize. “-are through.”
“No. Sehunnie-” Lu Han tries to reach out despite the tears blurring his vision, only to be harshly brushed off by the other who was already making his way out of their shared room.
“Save it for someone who actually cares, hyung. Because I sure as hell don’t.”
Things became rough after that. Lu Han would always try to approach the younger to patch things up but it was of no use. Sehun would either give him the cold shoulder, a blank stare, or a deathly glare. But most often than not, the maknae would carry on as if Lu Han wasn’t even there, as if he never even existed.
Though it pains him to be treated like that, the doe-eyed boy continues to give his best efforts in mending their broken relationship. He does his best to catch up with the younger no matter where he goes even though all of it only ends up in vain.
However, there is a certain limit to what one can endure.
So with his worsening condition, Lu Han gives up. After all the chase, he came to realize that the younger simply doesn’t love him anymore. Sehun is hell-bent on moving on, so Lu Han has no other choice than to let him go. With a reluctant and very battered heart, he goes home; turning his back from everything and everyone, from Korea, and from the only man he ever loved.
The news of Lu Han’s departure came off as a shock to Sehun. He honestly didn’t expect that Lu Han will leave him. What’s worse is that the other members seem to have already known and are now constantly sending pitiful glances at him. Not wanting to seem weak, he shrugged it off and kept his poker face on. What he felt, he poured into improving his every performance instead.
When news of SM filing a lawsuit against Lu Han arose, Sehun felt giddy inside. Seriously, it was about time this stupid company did something to bring his baby back. He totally sides with SM on this one. For, what right did Lu Han think he had to leave him behind? So Sehun is feeling smug. It was only a matter of time. He’ll have his Lu Han back soon.
Every time Lu Han would have an event such as guest appearances or press cons, all the other members would check on the previews and updates seeing as they are terribly missing the doe-eyed boy as well. They’d even talk about it for the sake of their maknae who keeps on muttering “Stupid company! Can’t even control their artists.” Sehun would continue to act as though he didn’t care even if, deep inside, he was fuming.
After months of being in denial, Sehun finally crumbles down. It was a hopeless case. Lu Han is gone. He’s never going back. And the painful reality hits him all at once.
It started the moment his eyes landed on a familiar figure amongst the crowd while they were on their concert stage. It was for a brief second that he locked gazes with him, but it was enough to destroy every barrier Sehun had put up within his heart. He keeps messing up their choreography and he’s missing his lines. He just couldn’t focus. But when he looked back, he was no longer there. Sehun didn’t know if he was really there but it was most likely just a product of his imagination, a mirage his yearning heart had conceived.
With tears welling up in his eyes, Sehun knows he can deny this no longer.
Depression had caught Sehun in its grasp. Everything seemed normal at first, considering that the maknae had a quiet demeanour. But when he suddenly stopped interacting with the other members and just preferred to lock himself up in his room, it caught the attention of his hyungs. It seemed as though their maknae was in a wreck. He’s constantly late for their schedules and couldn’t focus on work. When he showed up with bruises on his body, the other members decided to intervene.
The other members know that their maknae was suffering but they never knew it was to this extent. Ever since the “accident” (or so their youngest had called it) that caused the bruises, they have been very anxious about the latter. But when they arrived at their dorm one night to find Sehun punching, hurting, and screaming at himself, they were at a loss for words. They became more cautious when it came to the broken man in front of them.
After the onslaught of memories, Sehun picks himself up and wipes the tears away. He doesn’t care that he looks like a wreck and that his eyes are red and swollen. Because at the moment, he just feels tired. Tired of everything.
Still feeling lonesome and distraught, he heads out and goes to his usual pub. Now, Sehun wasn’t really an alcoholic per se. It was actually Kai and Chanyeol’s idea. Since the urge to punish himself came more often, they brought him here one night saying it'd be better to drown himself in liquor than to physically torment himself. At first, Sehun thought it was stupid. But then he realized he could no longer argue with that because, later that night, he swears he saw him. His Lu Han, his pretty little Lu Han. And thus, from then on, it became a frequent habit.
Hours passed and he’s still downing too many shots. His head is starting to ache and everything feels fuzzy. His vision starts to blur however he can still make out a familiar figure at the far end corner. He feels a tap on his shoulder and turns to see Junmyeon looking down at him. It causes the maknae to let out a scoff. How typical it is for leader hyung to look out for his members. He turns away and leans his head on the countertop. As his vision dims out, Sehun smiles as he sees haunting doe eyes looking back at him.
Sehun awakens to sobs and fists softly hitting his chest. Disoriented, he looks around and finds that he’s in his room, lying on his bed. But then, he takes notice of a small figure curled up against him. The latter was slightly lying on top of him, hitting his chest and crying. And when this person raised his head, Sehun was left in awe.
Though the room was covered in darkness, with only a faint light streaming from the outside, this barely illuminated beauty still managed to render him speechless. He has seen him often in dreams like this; however, the doe-eyed beauty leaves him breathless every single time.
“What do you think you’re doing?! You idiot!” The other cried out, breaking Sehun from his trance. And yet, all he could think of was that despite the tears, he’s still so beautiful.
“Lu Han…”
“You stupid stupid man!” The elder whines as he continuously slaps the other’s chest. “Why are you hurting yourself like this?”
To which, Sehun just laughs. “You’re still whiny as ever.” After a moment of silence, he reached out and held the other’s hands. He softly spoke “Why am I drowning myself in liquor? Because it’s the only way I get to see you anymore, hyung.”
“Sehun…”
“Lu Han…” He stares straight into the elder’s eyes and smiled. “I love you. Always have and always will.”
The Chinese male just stared at him in stunned silence. Sehun wanted nothing more than to erase the doubt and pain reflected in Lu Han’s eyes. “I’m sorry for all the pain I’ve caused you. You’re right, I’m stupid. I’m so stupid Hannie-ah. I’m so stupid to have let you go that night. I was so sure that I could live without you even though the truth is that I go crazy if I lose sight of you even just for a minute. I knew I wouldn’t last long and I wanted nothing else than to crawl back to you but I let my pride get the best of me. I regret ignoring your calls and messages. I regret not showing you how much I love you. But most of all, I regret not holding on to you the moment you started walking away from me.”
With the truth out in the open, the maknae couldn’t help but feel vulnerable.
More so, seeing the tears run down Lu Han’s beautiful face makes the pain more evident. With a cautious hand, Sehun gingerly wipes them away. “I’m sorry, hyung. Even in my dreams, all I ever do is make you cry.”
The statement only proves how much pain and self-loathing the younger has. It causes Lu Han to choke on a sob. “No. You know that’s not true, Sehunnie.”
“Sehunnie… How I’ve missed hearing that from you.” The maknae lets out a sad smile while the Chinese boy just kept on crying, his face buried on the former’s chest. “Hush now, hyung. I’m here. You’re here. We’re together. Even just for tonight, at least I get to keep you in my arms.”
“Oh Sehunnie…”
“I love you, hyung. Please stay with me. Please come back to me. Please don’t leave me again.”
They stay like that, lying in each other’s arms, basking in each other’s presence. Lu Han started to hum a lullaby, like he always did, as Sehun gently rubbed his back ‘til they both fall asleep.
It was peaceful.
It was calm.
It was familiar.
It was perfect.
Some time that night, Lu Han awoke to Sehun’s warmth and steady breathing. He reluctantly pulled away and sat up, not wanting to wake the younger as well. He spent a few minutes (or was it an hour?) just staring at Sehun’s face. He looked so calm, so peaceful, and so serene. Lu Han carefully pushed away a few strands of hair from the younger’s eyes as he willed the tears away. Ever so softly, he caressed the maknae’s cheeks, touch ghosting through the younger’s lips.
He never thought leaving for the second time around would be much harder and painful than the first. Pressing his lips against Sehun’s own, he let the tears fall as he gave one final lingering kiss. “If we are truly destined for each other, then love will find a way for us to be together.”
Gathering himself together, Lu Han stood up and quietly left the room.
“ Lu-ge…”
Lu Han visibly stiffens but later turns around. He sees Yixing standing there, looking at him with sad eyes.
“Yixing…” he calls out in greeting.
“Until when will you be doing this, ge?” Yixing, however, had no plans of beating around the bush.
“What do you mean, Xing-ah?”
Yixing glowers at him. He doesn’t want to play mind games right now. He just simply wants to knock some sense into his doe-eyed friend. “Seriously, hyung. You can’t fool me. I know you’ve been attending a few of our concerts in secret.”
With this, Lu Han is stunned into silence. He really can’t say anything to counter that because it’s true. He’s been attending a few of the group’s concerts in China, just wanting to catch a glimpse of a certain poker-faced maknae.
Knowing he caught Lu Han red-handed, Yixing continued. “Hyung, Sehun is destroying himself. And I can see that it greatly affects you. You’re both hurting. So when will you end this, ge?”
Not wanting to deal with a confrontation, Lu Han continues to play innocent despite the tears gathering in his eyes. “I don’t know what you mean, Xing.”
“When will you stop running away from your feelings, ge?!! I know you still love him!” Yixing blurts out. He’s fed up of the lies and excuses. He simply wants Lu Han to see reason and he can only do so by being straightforward.
“I…” Lu Han is dumbfounded. He’s confused, and hurting, and his mind is just all over the place. He knows what Yixing is saying is true but it doesn’t ease the pain inside him, most importantly: the fear.
The tears start to fall from Lu Han’s eyes and his body just starts to shake. “I don’t know, Yixing. I just… can’t. Not yet.”
Now this caught Yixing off-guard. When he said his goodbyes a year ago, the doe-eyed boy sounded so calm. In fact, he was even smiling. So Yixing and the other members thought he was happy. Or at least pretended to be. But now, Lu Han sounded so broken that Yixing knows he hit a nerve. Gone was the Lu Han that seemed so strong. The façade broke down and it bared this weak, vulnerable, broken boy standing in front of him. Yixing suddenly felt guilt. “Ge…”
Lu Han quickly tried to regain his composure. He sniffed and wiped the tears away. Then he raised his head and gave a melancholic smile. “The wounds are still fresh, Xing-ah. Yes, they may have gotten better with the past year but I’m just starting to fully heal. I… I don’t think I’m ready to expose myself to inevitable pain. At least, not yet.”
Lu Han eventually walks away.
Sehun was greeted by the morning breeze, birds chirping, and rays of sunlight. Oh what a beautiful day, he thought with a smile. Without even opening his eyes, he turned to the side - wanting to snuggle with the angel in his arms. But then he noticed that his arms felt empty and that the other side of the bed felt cold. Finally having the courage to face reality, he opened his eyes and stared at the empty space next to him.
Sehun didn’t know if he should laugh or cry. ‘Cause fuck! Last night felt so real that he could even smell Lu Han’s perfume lingering in the air. He can still feel the press of the elder’s body and lips against him. All of it just felt so damn fucking real that Sehun ends up breaking down.
For when the illusion faded, he realized everything was nothing but a dream.
Author’s Note: It’s already been a year since Lu Han’s last stage with EXO. o(╥﹏╥)o I still miss him. But, at the same time, I’m happy that he’s doing fine. Not to mention, HunHan is still in sync. ;)
Anyway, thank you so much for reading! Happy Holidays! ~