Soulful Retributions: Part Two
Preparations for Luhan's new job came as a welcome distraction to Luhan. Nari, Sehun's girlfriend, visited often. She was a small thing, coming up only to Sehun's shoulder, and she was undeniably cute. Her voice was proportionate to her size, and she liked wearing clothes in pastel hues. If that weren't enough to make Luhan feel rankled, she was nice to boot. On her first visit, she had brought rice cakes made by her mother to welcome him. And, seeing as he would be teaching in the university she and Sehun attended, she was very respectful towards him. She made Sehun throw his head in laughter with her antics, and made Sehun wrap an arm around her to pull her closer. All in all, Luhan did not like her. And whenever she visited, Luhan made a point of staying in his room, struggling with powerpoint for his lecture or trying not to burn his students' papers that he had to mark.
“You could pickle five radishes with that sour face,” Yixing said, popping up behind Luhan who had been reading a book in his room until he heard Sehun laugh. He had found himself staring at Sehun and Nari cuddling on the sofa through the gap on the doorway.
“For someone who doesn't really love her, he laughs a lot around her,” Luhan mumbled. “Close the door, will you.”
Yixing did before crossing the room and settling on Luhan's bed. “Insecurity is a very human reaction,” Yixing remarked.
“I am human,” Luhan said moodily.
“I've never seen you jealous. Wait till I tell Minseok. His feathers will rise in his glee.”
Luhan huffed as he turned his chair to face Yixing. He never had any reason to be jealous in Haven. Very few dared to be attracted enough with Sehun to be threateningly close. Angelic attraction was very platonic, there was hardly any harm to it. And everyone in Haven knew how attached Sehun was to Luhan that very few were surprised of the crime they had committed. On the day of his trial, he saw pity instead of contempt on his friends' faces. They seemed to wish Luhan and Sehun were careful enough not to be caught. But then, being caught was inevitable; Sehun and Luhan would not be able to hide their liaison through all of immortality.
“How have you been?”
That was just a polite habit of Yixing's; they both knew Yixing monitored Luhan's daily affairs closely. “I'm busy trying to keep this book from flying to Sehun's head.”
“But you haven't really done anything to... get him to fall in love with you, have you?” Yixing pointed out.
That, sadly, was true. Luhan was beginning to regret his decision and his arrogance. He had told the Tribunal that he would make Sehun fall in love with him all over again. But even after living on Earth and with Sehun for a couple of months, he still did not know how. Probably because he never made any effort to get Sehun to fall in love with him the first time around. Sehun just did. Luhan inwardly hoped it would happen just as naturally again.
“Court him,” Yixing suggested.
Luhan imagined Yixing growing two horns on the forehead. “Whatever do you know about courting?”
Yixing shrugged. “You get him to see all your good side? And take care of him? Treat him out? He certainly finds you attractive.”
At least that part was almost certain. After Sehun had made a drunk pass on Luhan - a very subtle one, that night Luhan got accepted in his job - Sehun had dropped remarks on how Luhan had “a nice face to look at”, “very round eyes”, “very soothing voice” although he used most of this to tell Luhan that students would like him as a teacher. And Luhan had seen how Sehun watched him walk around their apartment in only his boxers. Often, Sehun's eyes widened, and Sehun gulped whatever invisible lump was in his throat.
“Maybe after Nari.”
But after Nari came Minwoo who was tall and lean and knew how to bake good cupcakes that appeased Sehun's sweet tooth. They worked on a modelling gig together and hit it off immediately. Minwoo needed not be polite with Luhan because they were (supposedly) born the same year. And Minwoo clearly took the lead in the relationship. Sehun gave him shy laughters and curled into him at night.
One night, Luhan came home from work and saw them sharing a fierce kiss. Sehun's hands were inside Minwoo's shirt. Minwoo's hand had unbuckled Sehun's belt in a frenzied manner, and Luhan turned around, closed the door and started an aimless walk out in the freezing hill-streets of Seoul.
Tears started to well up in Luhan's eyes as he called out to Yixing who did not come. So, hugging his coat tighter to himself, feeling his tears freeze painfully in his cheeks, he set off to the riverside feeling miserably alone. He forced himself not to cry, and forced himself to hold in the anger and the hurt. Everyone had warned him about how difficult his chosen task would be, but no one told him how much exactly. He suspected that he felt worse than angels whose wings had ever been torn out of their backs by the enemy.
He wandered that night, hating how Seoul's shops closed early in winter, and found refuge in a bar that served good beer and good coffee.
The next day was a Saturday, and since he did not have class on Saturdays, he had to go home. He felt cold to the bone as he walked from the train station to their apartment complex. He hoped that, late as it was at eleven in the morning, he wouldn't have to face Minwoo. He would probably throw the guy out, angry as he was.
“Where were you all night? I've been calling you.” Sehun had jumped up from the couch to interrogate him, but he ignored Sehun and started walking to his room. “Lu Han-hyung, you look dreadful. Have you had breakfast?”
Much to Luhan's surprise, Sehun took hold of Luhan's hand and put Luhan's palm against his cheek, effectively stopping Luhan in his tracks.
“You're really cold, hyung, are you sure you're okay?”
“I'm fine. I just want to sleep.” Luhan said, taking his hand away from Sehun's.
Sehun nodded, and Luhan slipped past Sehun to his room. There, he stripped to his undergarments and rolled himself in the blankets, thanking heavens for the invention of the heater before sleep hit him.
He woke up feeling cold despite the heater, but thirsty despite being cold. He padded out of his room, dazedly looking for water.
“Hyung?”
Luhan headed straight for the kitchen to get a glass of water but the world swiveled around him, and he dropped his glass. He felt a warm, breathing body by his side and knew Sehun had reached him. He was aware of a palm on his forehead before he heard Sehun say, “You have a fever, hyung. Do you need water? I'll get it for you. Can you find your way to your room?”
Luhan felt his voice crack. “I think so.”
“Go then. I'll look for medicine, and I'll heat some soup.”
Obediently, Luhan found his way back to bed, hoping Sehun would be quick about the water.
Luhan only had bits and pieces of memory of Sehun nursing him back to health. He remembered taking medicine, but was not sure how often; he remembered shivering till he thought he would gnash his teeth to pieces; he remembered Sehun staying by his side every time he opened his eyes a narrow crack. When he came to with only a mild fever, Sehun was sleeping on a mattress on Luhan's bedroom floor. The sky outside was the gloomy red-orange of a winter sunset.
“Sehun?” Luhan said, nudging Sehun's side with his foot.
Sehun blinked once, a second time and then he sat up. “Oh, hyung, you're awake. Are you still feverish?”
“It's not that bad, I think,” Luhan said truthfully.
Sehun checked his watch and said, “You should be taking another tablet in an hour. You should eat first though. Is there anything you'd like to eat?”
“Why? You'd cook for me?” Luhan teased.
“Eh, no. I'll go out to get some.”
“How about jjampong?”
Sehun smiled, and Luhan felt weak. Whatever Sehun had done wrong, Luhan had already forgiven it. “Jjampong for two it is.”
Luhan collapsed back to bed as Sehun left the room. He tried calling out for Yixing, but still Yixing did not come. So, staring at his ceiling, he waited for Sehun for almost half an hour. He watched Sehun bustle around to get a bowl out of its packaging and passed it to Luhan. He settled his own bowl on Luhan's desk and urged Luhan to start eating.
“Where were you Friday night?” Sehun asked all of a sudden.
“Why? Wasn't that just last night?”
“No. It's already Sunday.”
“Really?” Luhan said, purposefully avoiding Sehun's question.
“Hyung, where were you? I was so worried. And look at you, whatever you did, you got cold enough to get a fever.”
“I was just... out.”
Sehun studied him. His usually sharp, narrow eyes softened with concern. “Did you see me and Minwoo?” When Luhan did not respond, Sehun knew what to make of it. “Sorry. Chanyeol-hyung normally just lets me - But if it bothers you, I won't do it again.”
Luhan took his time chewing a mouthful of noodles before saying, “Do you mean you won't sleep with Minwoo again or do you mean you won't sleep here with Minwoo again?” Sehun blinked. “Do you like Minwoo that much?”
“I- I don't know. He just broke up with his ex and he's pretty cool. And I'm fine with our arrangement.”
“May I be frank with you?” Luhan asked. Sehun nodded. “I thought you said you were looking for someone who would make you feel what being in love really is like. I don't think settling in this kind of relationship is going to do that.” Sehun stared at him. “He's obviously attracted to you. But I don't think it's going to last long. Then you'll find yourself in another relationship like this. And it's going to end the same way.”
Sehun frowned. “Then what do I do?”
“Rest for now, maybe? Figure out what kind of people you really like or what kind of people you think will be really good for you. Then, when you figure that out, you can date those people.”
“But I don't like being alone and not going out -”
“We could hang out, if that's the only problem. Just - I don't think the relationships you're having are healthy. If you get bored with me, we can call Yixing or Junmyeon. Or even your Chanyeol-hyung. You sometimes go out to dinner with him, right?”
Sehun seemed to turn the idea over and over again in his head, before deciding, “All right.”
“It would be that easy for you to break up with Minwoo?” Luhan asked, arching a brow.
“I think so.”
* * *
Yixing congratulated Luhan on breaking off Sehun's “illicit affairs” when he dropped by later that week. Sehun was out to spend almost the entire night on a photoshoot and would probably head straight to school. Luhan often voiced out his concern over Sehun's schedule, but Sehun assured him that he was never reprimanded for sleeping in class as long as he got decent grades (Luhan as a teacher did not really find that comforting).
“Where were you?” Luhan's tone was of accusal.
“I got held back. And when things got heated up, Junmyeon told me not to interfere so you could work things out on your own. And, well, you did!” Yixing said cheerfully. “So, when's your first date.”
“He wants to go on this beef grill place on Sunday. But I think they also serve raw beef there. I don't want to eat raw beef.” Luhan said with a wry face. “Are you coming?”
“Idiot. It's going to be your first date, don't go inviting other people.”
Luhan rolled his eyes. “It's not a date if he doesn't see it as one. We're just eating.”
“Everything is a date from now on, Luhan,” Yixing said, patting Luhan's shoulder. “This is your chance. Seize it!”
Luhan had seen how fast and how much Sehun could eat at home, but Sehun at the grill place had been amazing. They had gone through almost 2 kilograms of meat, and more than half of it went to Sehun's stomach. Watching Sehun eat made Luhan smile. Sehun had always been a big eater; he easily went through two servings of food each meal. But Luhan had never seen Sehun wolf on so much meat before.
“I don't think that's healthy,” Luhan remarked in amusement.
“Fat's yer faverit line, ichnt it?” Sehun said through a mouthful of beef, kimchi and chili wrapped in lettuce. He chewed down, swallowed and said, “You say that a lot: I don't think it's healthy.”
“I think I'm right.”
“I hope you are because Minwoo hates me right now,” Sehun said flippantly. “And I'm all alone.”
Luhan threw Sehun a long, impatient look. “Being single doesn't equate to being lonely. You'll learn that -”
“I'm not going to be lonely if you'll keep buying me dinner like this - Ow!” Luhan had hit his arm with the pair of tongs they used for the cooked meat. “You offered!”
“I didn't say I would keep paying.”
“But you're older. It's Korean custom.” Sehun smiled brightly, his eyes turning into crescents, and Luhan felt warmth spread across his chest.
“Then you do what I say. It's also Korean custom.”
Being busy on weekdays, they mostly spent their free weekends dining out, and, if time allowed, touring Seoul or nearby provinces. Their favorite was the grilled chicken in Chuncheon, which they tried to go to at least once a month. Twice, they urged Yixing to go with them. Some nights they spent in a KTV where Sehun showed off his dancing skills. Once, when Sehun craved seafood badly, they took a bus to Busan, stuffed themselves to the gullet with all sort of seafood, spent the night at the jjimjilbang, and took the first bus back to Seoul, with Sehun sleeping and resting his head on top of Luhan's.
Luhan had also taught Sehun how to drink coffee. Sehun had come home late from a practice-reading for a class production, and still had to stay up the rest of the night to work on his lines (because he played a human and not a tree this time). Luhan told him to get his jacket on and brought him to a cafe that served Dutch coffee, which was brewed in a less typical contraption that Sehun found interesting. But Sehun, of course, took his coffee with plenty of milk and a couple of pumps of caramel, which, Luhan thought, was a waste of the good coffee. Luhan stayed up with Sehun that night so he could help Sehun practice his lines.
In all these little excursions, Luhan felt a little triumphant that he would sometimes look up at the sky and smirk, hoping the Tribunal would see him.
The change in Sehun had been gradual and, according to Yixing, not entirely unexpected. Luhan had caught Sehun watching him when Sehun thought Luhan was too busy cooking or reading or watching to pay attention. Sehun's touches lingered and became the slightest bit possessive. He liked dragging Luhan around in malls and down the street, his thin, long fingers clasping Luhan's wrist and the hold would stay as if Sehun had forgotten he had been holding Luhan's hand all along. Sometimes, he would rest his hand on Luhan's back, absentmindedly rubbing warm circles down and across it.
Sehun had been unusually quiet one night they visited one of their favorite restaurants in Chuncheon. He ate with gusto, of course, but he looked contemplative. Luhan learned why after they stepped out of the restaurant and started making their way to the nearest bus stop.
“What was your ex like?” Sehun asked all of a sudden.
“My ex?” Luhan asked, puzzled.
Sehun nodded. “Yeah. Tell me something about him.”
A smile played across Luhan's lips. He found a strange amusement in having Sehun ask about Sehun. “He's younger but we grew up together,” which was, in a way, the truth. “We spent most of our time together, which is probably how we got attached to each other. Yixing said it was bound to happen, that we would see each other beyond friends and brothers, and started wanting more.”
“What's he like though?”
Luhan smiled again. “A lot like you. When we were younger, he was very energetic like you. He mellowed down with age, but he would still tell me everything. If there was something he found interesting, he'd tell me first. If something worried him, he would run to tell me. He's fascinated by little things. He looks very intimidating, but he has a soft spot for others.”
Sehun was quiet after Luhan had finished speaking. They had walked a few paces in silence before Sehun said, “You sound like you love him a lot. Do you still...”
“Still?”
“Love him?”
Luhan studied Sehun's face, how it was still his Sehun's face, the strong eyebrows, the sharp features. He smiled. “I guess.”
“I see.”
* * *
Luhan woke up the next morning to Yixing hitting his head. He sat up quickly and grumpily, glaring at Yixing. “What?”
“Sehun. Sehun was so close to telling you he likes you. But you go telling him that you -”
“That I still love him?” Luhan said. “I was just being honest.”
“But it made him feel insecure,” Yixing exclaimed. “He thinks you won't like him because you're hung up on...” Yixing paused. “Er - him.”
The ridiculousness of the entire situation dawned on them both. Sehun was essentially trying to pit himself against himself - or rather, his past self that Luhan was working hard to get back.
“Do you love Sehun?” Yixing asked quietly.
“Of course -”
“Not the angel Sehun. This human Sehun. This Sehun who doesn't remember that he almost got his wings torn apart saving you in the last war. This Sehun who doesn't know he used to worship everything you walk on. This Sehun who's still very young, very immature unlike the composed, soldier Sehun that you know.”
Luhan gave Yixing a wide-eyed stare. He couldn't tell. Because all along, he'd thought of them as the same Sehun.
Yixing sighed. “You have to be able to say yes to that question before you can get him, Luhan. This Sehun doesn't know how much you love him. You can only show him by actually seeing him, and not just the memories you had with Sehun through him. I think that's only fair.”
Luhan's head began to throb with a dull pain, either from his disturbed sleep or from what Yixing was telling him. “I'm going back to sleep,” he said, throwing a blanket over his head.
* * *
That early morning discussion with Yixing fixed itself in Luhan's brain. He thought of it when Sehun wasn't around when he woke up and when Sehun had been elusive when he had called Sehun to ask what time Sehun would be coming home. For three days, Sehun was quiet around him.
“Where do you want to go this weekend?” Luhan asked over breakfast. He had woken up early on purpose to catch Sehun before he went to school, because Sehun had seemed to make a point of leaving while Luhan was asleep and leaving Luhan behind (when they used to catch the train together), and coming home when he thought Luhan was already asleep.
“I don't really know,” Sehun said. He fidgeted over his toast. “I might help make props. Our dress rehearsal is on Monday.”
“I know,” Luhan said. But he also knew that Sehun wasn't really part of the stage design committee, and that Sehun had mentioned that they were almost done with the sets a week prior. “I just thought you needed to de-stress before the big day. Or would you rather celebrate after the play?”
“I think we have plans the night of the last day of the play,” Sehun said, getting up. “I really have to go. Thanks for breakfast.”
Luhan heaved a sigh as he watched Sehun go.
Sehun had, unsurprisingly, been absent that weekend, leaving Luhan to spend it with Yixing who kept throwing him “I told you so” looks.
“Shut up, Yixing, and just watch the game,” Luhan said, throwing a cushion at Yixing's head.
Luhan resolved to go to Sehun's dress rehearsal. He stood behind a pillar, bag slung across his torso, crossing his arms, as he watched, hoping to hide from Sehun. Some students who passed him by bowed to him politely but did not ask why he was there. Most people who knew him and Sehun knew that they shared an apartment. He was sure there were some rumors about them, but none that was really worrisome. For the most part, students and faculty thought of him and Sehun as brothers. But Luhan's reason for coming to the school theater was not entirely brotherly.
He already knew Sehun would do well in the play. They went through Sehun's lines together, and a witty character was something that would be easy for Sehun. He waited at the back of the theater while the director gave last-minute remarks. Then, he walked towards Sehun who had just emerged from backstage.
“Good work, Sehun,” Luhan said. As Sehun comprehended the situation he was in, Luhan accepted the greetings from the other students in Sehun's class. “I finished late, and I thought you would be late here so I decided to drop by. Have you had supper?”
Sehun blankly shook his head. He looked very much like an animal trapped in a cage.
“Let's go then?”
Soon, he was able to extract himself and Sehun from the group of students, and led the way out of theater. “Anything you want for dinner? How about chicken and beer? For good luck?”
“Why did you come to the rehearsal?” Sehun asked, still obviously not free from his shock.
“You've been avoiding me,” Luhan said casually. Sehun frowned. “What? You didn't think I'd notice?” He walked ahead to the main entrance of the university, giving Sehun ample time to think things through and perhaps actually say something.
But when they had reached the street out of the university and Sehun had not responded, Luhan impatiently asked, “Why were you avoiding me?”
“Because I like spending a lot of time with you, but I think you only spend time with me because I remind you of your ex,” Sehun said in a quick, forceful manner. He looked so uncertain, he seemed to Luhan like an abandoned puppy.
“Why do you think that?” Luhan had stopped walking. They were standing on the sidewalk, outside the walls of what probably was a private establishment.
“Because the way you described your relationship with him was so beautiful I don't think what we have can match. And he sounds amazing, I don't think I can match.”
“He's an angel, of course he's amazing, but he's also you, you idiot” Luhan dearly wanted to say but, of course, couldn't.
Instead, Luhan lifted his right hand to trace lines across Sehun's forehead, the bone of Sehun's brows, the rise of his cheeks, the line of his jaw, and the softness of his lips. It all felt familiar, because this Sehun was the same Sehun that Luhan had known all his angelic life. But there were differences. It had been a long time since he last saw the nervous look in Sehun's eyes, it had been a long time since he felt the little hesitancies in Sehun whenever they touched. But the emotion this Sehun evoked were all the same, the quiet kind of warmth when they were together, and the fierce craving for physicality when Luhan allowed his thoughts to stray.
Gripping Sehun's right arm for support, Luhan slipped his right hand to the back of Sehun's head and tugged, pressing Sehun's lips against his. He pushed thoughts of a sure and fiery kiss that he used to know from Sehun and let himself indulge in the slow and tentative kisses this Sehun was giving him. He pressed himself closer, so that his chest bumped against Sehun's chest, and he kissed deeper, his tongue exploring and eliciting a small sound from Sehun's throat. Before parting, he nipped gently at Sehun's lower lip before fixing his eyes on Sehun's.
Sehun's eyes were a hazy brown, he was still obviously dizzy from the kiss. Luhan smiled. He lifted his other hand so he could now cup Sehun's face in his hands. “I told you it's probably different for everyone.”
“But you still love him.” Hurt flitted across Sehun's eyes.
“I do and I probably still would for a long time,” Luhan said honestly. He wanted to laugh over the irony of the situation. “But it's a different kind of love now. It's just there, probably just a small kind of caring that I would give a friend.” That was a lie, but Sehun would not understand that. “I really, really want to see what it's like to be with you.”
“What if we don't work out?”
Luhan wanted to assure Sehun that it wouldn't happen, not any more. Instead, he looked directly into Sehun's eyes and willed Sehun's soul to know what he felt, that they would be together no matter what it took. He had already given up his immortality, and he didn't think - at least, he hoped - heavens would be so cruel to break them apart again. But if in case he needed to make another sacrifice, he would do it again. The journey had been difficult, but Luhan - hopefully with Sehun's help - would make the remainder of their lives well worth the loss of their wings and their immortality.
He kissed Sehun again, gently and slowly, and buried his head in the crook of Sehun's neck. He kissed the skin there too, and whispered, “I'll do whatever it takes to make this work. I promise.”
end.
Author’s Note: In my version of the angel world, Haven is a place for the work-force of angels. They're the lesser angels and deal often with things of the earth, and there's another place for the higher angels and the pure spirits which the lesser angels (and even human spirits) end up in (heaven). Luhan and Yixing are essentially guardian angels who have human charges, Junmyeon is more a Haven-angel so a keeper of the in-between (help angels to pass to Earth, with the additional job of making the punished angels mortal), and Sehun is a soldier who doesn't directly look after humans but fight evil spirits that roam the earth.