#41: You'll Never Know
Prompt: #41
From: chwihae
Title: You'll Never Know
Rating: R
Word Count: 2K
Summary: Luhan is obsessed with ideas.
Warnings: genderbend, smut
"I'm.. Breaking up with you." Luhan fidgets with the tablecloth. He can't look up to Sehun's eyes but he knows she's surprised. He hears the clatters of metal on plate as Sehun drops her fork.
"Okay." He hears a ragged intake of breath. The slight screeching of the chair being pushed back against the linoleum floor.
"Won't you ask why?" Luhan whispers. He dares to look up and Sehun has a stoic expression. Her eyes are shining, but she won't cry in front of this people. There are habits you automatically know about someone because you've known them for so long. Luhan knows she will never cry in front of other people.
And now he's become one of them. Other people.
"I won't. Spare me the pain, will you?" Her voice is cracking and it's deeper, indicating the onslaught of tears to follow. She begins to walk and Luhan, in the heat of the moment, walks after her.
"At least let me take you home."
×
Luhan remembers a line from his valedictorian speech he gave at his graduation in highschool.
Everyone is an idea of another person. We are all made up of another person's image and concept and so on and so forth.
And maybe this is why he broke up with Sehun. He watches Sehun change into someone that he barely knows. She has become a new idea, an idea that slowly dissolves his old one of her. He stayed up all night, every night to ponder upon her.
What had changed?
×
There is an uncomfortable silence surrounding the bus as it drives to downtown Seoul. Sehun is glancing outside the window pane, her beautiful face adorning a bland expression.
If somebody would have looked back at that moment, they would notice a boy gazing at a girl as she avoids his gaze. And then they would notice how his hands are resting near hers, close enough to touch but not attempting to.
They won't notice the guilt surrounding the boy's tired eyes or the faint red rim on the girl's puffy eyes. They won't notice the way the girl keeps trying to regulate her breathing or how stiff her composure is, as if her whole control depended on it. They won't notice the way the boy keeps clenching his jaw.
They won't notice the imperfections of a broken relationship. Throughout the bus ride, these thoughts keep running through Luhan's head.
As soon as the bus arrive on the stop, Sehun stands up and almost runs all the way to the doors. Luhan follows suit as she launches herself into a run throughout the crowded streets. Luhan struggles to follow and giving up when she's too far to catch up to.
He knows where to find her anyway. If she wants to be found.
Luhan balefully glances at the black stretch of the sky above. He slowly blinks as the sky sends down small drops of rain. All around him, people start to scamper for cover and some start to open umbrellas. But he stands there, numb and lonely.
×
Sehun remembers a part of Luhan's speech two years ago.
But these ideas, they are what ruins us. We get infatuated with an idea of someone, and then we fall for this image. A false one. And sometimes, we hate that idea. And that's the fault. We never get to know who that person is.
She doesn't know what Luhan's reason is but she knows that something has shifted.
She doesn't know if he has a different idea of her but she doesn't want to form one of him.
×
Sehun looks back and suppresses the urge to cry for the second time.
Luhan hasn't followed her.
She half expected the sound of footsteps thundering after her, the shouts of her name, a shuddering stop. But there is nothing, no sign of being trailed.
But why would he? Hadn't they end up things? Stupid Sehun.
(She didn't realize that Luhan tried as much to follow her. He tried to until he can't anymore and just stood transfixed on his spot as he watched her streaking brown hair disappear in the crowd.)
The rain started to pour when she was halfway the block to the dorms. It brings a new kind of chill as it touches every exposed part of her and she's a shivering mess when she reaches the front door. It made a contradiction with the hot and angry tears streaming down her face.
×
It hurts.
That night she didn't sleep.
×
Sehun ends up sick.
That morning, Sehun tries to figure out what changed with her. She stares at the bathroom mirror in silent observation. Her hair is dull, eyes red and sleepy with dark circles and her skin looks overly pale under the artificial lighting of the fluorescent lamp. She pulls her shirt above her head and miles and miles of pale skin appear. Again, every part of her is scrutinized. Her breasts are too small, her ribs threatening to poke out from her chest. Her back curved downward, a slumping problem. She's too skinny.
Maybe this is why Luhan doesn't like her anymore. She thinks as she lowers herself on the steamy bathtub. The warm water feels nice and her skin is pink after a few minutes.
She grabs the soap from the rack and scrubs harshly on her skin. Scrubbing as if it would remove the feeling of sadness clinging on to her.
×
While Sehun was stuck in an idea of sadness, Luhan had carried on. He searched for things to do to keep things out of his head. This afternoon, he has a tutoring session with Chanyeol.
Luhan would walk from one corner to another. Left, right, forward. Walk back to the window. He can feel his tutor's eyes following his movements. She looks at him in the kind of way that suggests mild hate.
"You know you should stop pacing and sit the fuck down." She taps her pencil on the table. Sehun had Chanyeol as her dorm mate, and Sehun had suggested that Chanyeol be his tutor. Maybe she's pissed at him for dumping her friend.
Luhan pulls at the seat and sits down. Chanyeol pushes a worksheet at him.
"Luhan.." Chanyeol hesitates, her pencil tapping slowing down. "Sehun has been.. Sad. She misses you."
"Did she put you up to this?" He feels mad. Why is he mad?
"No. But honestly, she looks horrible."
"Noona, I don't love her anymore."
"Are you so sure." She clenches her teeth. It's a question but sounds like a challenge to Luhan. He stays quiet because he's quiet not so sure. Chanyeol smirks.
"We're having takeout tonight. Do you want to come?"
He needs to see Sehun. He accepts.
×
It's not that he didn't love Sehun. It’s just that he thinks he doesn’t anymore.
×
Chanyeol strides into the room, dropping the bag of Chinese takeout noodles from the bag. She knocks on Sehun's door and goes in. Luhan pulls at his shoelaces and removes his shoes.
Sehun and Chanyeol's dorm is not exactly messy but he can detect the scattered magazines and books and Chanyeol's paint brushes all over the place. It's an artful kind of mess, as if it was intentionally placed in that place.
His eyes steer to Chanyeol's tall form as she comes out from the bedroom, a bedraggled Sehun following her. She looked surprised to see him, although it disappears and is replaced with a bland expression.
If Luhan looks well enough, he could detect the sadness.
They eat in silence, an occasional 'please pass this/that'. Chanyeol breaks the silence.
"How about you have dinner with us every night." Chanyeol puts her chopsticks down. "Or do you have an appointment to attend to?"
"Umm... None that I know."
"That's that! You dine with us, starting tonight. Okay?"
Luhan looks at Sehun who was staring quietly at her noodles.
"Okay."
×
One night, Chanyeol doesn't show up for dinner. She calls Sehun and says that she can't eat with them because she has an extended art project she needs to attend to. So she and Luhan eat in silence. He helps her clean the dishes after. Then they sit in the sofa, until it strikes eight and Luhan stands to leave.
Luhan pauses in the doorway as if waiting for something.
"Won't you stay?" Sehun grips the sofa armrest, hesitant words on her lips.
Luhan blinks. Once. Twice. Then takes a step.
"Okay." He pads softly to her.
They walk to her bedroom and she sits on her bed, scooting over to leave him space. He stands hesitantly, gazing at Sehun. She's pointedly avoiding his gaze.
He remove his socks first. Then his hoodie, followed by his jeans. He slips in quietly next to her. Sehun slowly sinks down. Luhan pulls the sheets over him and it feels too intimate-- strange-- under the covers.
They're a few inches away from each other but they don't make an effort to bridge the gap between them. No touching, just awkward silence.
They fall asleep to the drone of the electric fan and the dead silence of the night air.
×
Sehun ends up inviting Luhan to her dorm every time and Luhan accepting.
They spend the nights side by side, back to back.
They don't know that the few inches that separate them dissipates slowly into every night.
×
Luhan finds himself nuzzling a warm chest the next morning. He's pressed close to Sehun's chest and she has her arms around him in. Her eyes are closed, feathery lashes grazing fair cheeks. Even at sleep, Sehun is beautiful. Luhan feels his heart beating a little bit more faster, and there's this pull that urges him to get closer, to kiss her.
As Sehun's eyes flutter open, Luhan pulls in to connect the distance separating them. Hands roam under shirts, skin on skin. Trails of fire from every touch.
Luhan pulls away from a moment to let Sehun pull her shirt off. Luhan can feel himself becoming harder and he sees the first peek of her body and when the shirt comes off, he immediately kisses her under her jaw. A minute later, Sehun is naked and Luhan's clothes are joined in a pile with hers on the floor.
Small shudders of pleasure travel down Sehun's spine as Luhan's lips press down to trace her collarbones, her breasts, her belly. His lips leave fire everywhere it touches. Sehun bites her lip to keep from moaning out loud because Chanyeol might still be in the dorm. She wouldn't take her chances.
His lips finally reach their destination and a surprised gasp escapes her as he licks at her clit directly. Sehun's eyes close involuntarily as Luhan eats her out, a sensory overload threatening to overrun her.
The foreplay melts into Luhan filling her, rocking slowly back and forth. Her hands are on his back, struggling to find something to hold on to.
They're both quite as they come, Luhan's eyes closed and mouth slightly open. Sehun arches her back and breath caught in her throat.
As they lay down in the post-sex euphoria, one thought runs through two minds. Did the love disappear at all?
×
"I just want you to know that I'm sorry." Luhan takes a deep breath. "I was stupid. I broke up with you for the wrong reasons and.."
"Remember how in my speech, I said people are made of ideas and to dissolve those, we should get to know the person better? Well, I'm a hypocrite. I fell into my own trap and I.. Expected you to stay as my own idea of you. I'm really sorry, I made you cry and Oh God. Why am I such a failure?" Luhan is rambling and it's half unintelligible but nevertheless, Sehun smiles and it turns into a small laugh.
"Why are you laughing at me?" Luhan asks. "I sound stupid don't I?"
"Just shut up and kiss me." Luhan does kiss her and for a minute, he can feel his metaphorical idea of her dissolving and everything is just.
Happy.
author's/artist's note: to the dear prompter: i'm so sorry this doesn't follow your prompt!! i did my best, istg. I hope you enjoy anyway! and also if anyone's confused, they're in their second year of college !!
From: chwihae
Title: You'll Never Know
Rating: R
Word Count: 2K
Summary: Luhan is obsessed with ideas.
Warnings: genderbend, smut
"I'm.. Breaking up with you." Luhan fidgets with the tablecloth. He can't look up to Sehun's eyes but he knows she's surprised. He hears the clatters of metal on plate as Sehun drops her fork.
"Okay." He hears a ragged intake of breath. The slight screeching of the chair being pushed back against the linoleum floor.
"Won't you ask why?" Luhan whispers. He dares to look up and Sehun has a stoic expression. Her eyes are shining, but she won't cry in front of this people. There are habits you automatically know about someone because you've known them for so long. Luhan knows she will never cry in front of other people.
And now he's become one of them. Other people.
"I won't. Spare me the pain, will you?" Her voice is cracking and it's deeper, indicating the onslaught of tears to follow. She begins to walk and Luhan, in the heat of the moment, walks after her.
"At least let me take you home."
×
Luhan remembers a line from his valedictorian speech he gave at his graduation in highschool.
Everyone is an idea of another person. We are all made up of another person's image and concept and so on and so forth.
And maybe this is why he broke up with Sehun. He watches Sehun change into someone that he barely knows. She has become a new idea, an idea that slowly dissolves his old one of her. He stayed up all night, every night to ponder upon her.
What had changed?
×
There is an uncomfortable silence surrounding the bus as it drives to downtown Seoul. Sehun is glancing outside the window pane, her beautiful face adorning a bland expression.
If somebody would have looked back at that moment, they would notice a boy gazing at a girl as she avoids his gaze. And then they would notice how his hands are resting near hers, close enough to touch but not attempting to.
They won't notice the guilt surrounding the boy's tired eyes or the faint red rim on the girl's puffy eyes. They won't notice the way the girl keeps trying to regulate her breathing or how stiff her composure is, as if her whole control depended on it. They won't notice the way the boy keeps clenching his jaw.
They won't notice the imperfections of a broken relationship. Throughout the bus ride, these thoughts keep running through Luhan's head.
As soon as the bus arrive on the stop, Sehun stands up and almost runs all the way to the doors. Luhan follows suit as she launches herself into a run throughout the crowded streets. Luhan struggles to follow and giving up when she's too far to catch up to.
He knows where to find her anyway. If she wants to be found.
Luhan balefully glances at the black stretch of the sky above. He slowly blinks as the sky sends down small drops of rain. All around him, people start to scamper for cover and some start to open umbrellas. But he stands there, numb and lonely.
×
Sehun remembers a part of Luhan's speech two years ago.
But these ideas, they are what ruins us. We get infatuated with an idea of someone, and then we fall for this image. A false one. And sometimes, we hate that idea. And that's the fault. We never get to know who that person is.
She doesn't know what Luhan's reason is but she knows that something has shifted.
She doesn't know if he has a different idea of her but she doesn't want to form one of him.
×
Sehun looks back and suppresses the urge to cry for the second time.
Luhan hasn't followed her.
She half expected the sound of footsteps thundering after her, the shouts of her name, a shuddering stop. But there is nothing, no sign of being trailed.
But why would he? Hadn't they end up things? Stupid Sehun.
(She didn't realize that Luhan tried as much to follow her. He tried to until he can't anymore and just stood transfixed on his spot as he watched her streaking brown hair disappear in the crowd.)
The rain started to pour when she was halfway the block to the dorms. It brings a new kind of chill as it touches every exposed part of her and she's a shivering mess when she reaches the front door. It made a contradiction with the hot and angry tears streaming down her face.
×
It hurts.
That night she didn't sleep.
×
Sehun ends up sick.
That morning, Sehun tries to figure out what changed with her. She stares at the bathroom mirror in silent observation. Her hair is dull, eyes red and sleepy with dark circles and her skin looks overly pale under the artificial lighting of the fluorescent lamp. She pulls her shirt above her head and miles and miles of pale skin appear. Again, every part of her is scrutinized. Her breasts are too small, her ribs threatening to poke out from her chest. Her back curved downward, a slumping problem. She's too skinny.
Maybe this is why Luhan doesn't like her anymore. She thinks as she lowers herself on the steamy bathtub. The warm water feels nice and her skin is pink after a few minutes.
She grabs the soap from the rack and scrubs harshly on her skin. Scrubbing as if it would remove the feeling of sadness clinging on to her.
×
While Sehun was stuck in an idea of sadness, Luhan had carried on. He searched for things to do to keep things out of his head. This afternoon, he has a tutoring session with Chanyeol.
Luhan would walk from one corner to another. Left, right, forward. Walk back to the window. He can feel his tutor's eyes following his movements. She looks at him in the kind of way that suggests mild hate.
"You know you should stop pacing and sit the fuck down." She taps her pencil on the table. Sehun had Chanyeol as her dorm mate, and Sehun had suggested that Chanyeol be his tutor. Maybe she's pissed at him for dumping her friend.
Luhan pulls at the seat and sits down. Chanyeol pushes a worksheet at him.
"Luhan.." Chanyeol hesitates, her pencil tapping slowing down. "Sehun has been.. Sad. She misses you."
"Did she put you up to this?" He feels mad. Why is he mad?
"No. But honestly, she looks horrible."
"Noona, I don't love her anymore."
"Are you so sure." She clenches her teeth. It's a question but sounds like a challenge to Luhan. He stays quiet because he's quiet not so sure. Chanyeol smirks.
"We're having takeout tonight. Do you want to come?"
He needs to see Sehun. He accepts.
×
It's not that he didn't love Sehun. It’s just that he thinks he doesn’t anymore.
×
Chanyeol strides into the room, dropping the bag of Chinese takeout noodles from the bag. She knocks on Sehun's door and goes in. Luhan pulls at his shoelaces and removes his shoes.
Sehun and Chanyeol's dorm is not exactly messy but he can detect the scattered magazines and books and Chanyeol's paint brushes all over the place. It's an artful kind of mess, as if it was intentionally placed in that place.
His eyes steer to Chanyeol's tall form as she comes out from the bedroom, a bedraggled Sehun following her. She looked surprised to see him, although it disappears and is replaced with a bland expression.
If Luhan looks well enough, he could detect the sadness.
They eat in silence, an occasional 'please pass this/that'. Chanyeol breaks the silence.
"How about you have dinner with us every night." Chanyeol puts her chopsticks down. "Or do you have an appointment to attend to?"
"Umm... None that I know."
"That's that! You dine with us, starting tonight. Okay?"
Luhan looks at Sehun who was staring quietly at her noodles.
"Okay."
×
One night, Chanyeol doesn't show up for dinner. She calls Sehun and says that she can't eat with them because she has an extended art project she needs to attend to. So she and Luhan eat in silence. He helps her clean the dishes after. Then they sit in the sofa, until it strikes eight and Luhan stands to leave.
Luhan pauses in the doorway as if waiting for something.
"Won't you stay?" Sehun grips the sofa armrest, hesitant words on her lips.
Luhan blinks. Once. Twice. Then takes a step.
"Okay." He pads softly to her.
They walk to her bedroom and she sits on her bed, scooting over to leave him space. He stands hesitantly, gazing at Sehun. She's pointedly avoiding his gaze.
He remove his socks first. Then his hoodie, followed by his jeans. He slips in quietly next to her. Sehun slowly sinks down. Luhan pulls the sheets over him and it feels too intimate-- strange-- under the covers.
They're a few inches away from each other but they don't make an effort to bridge the gap between them. No touching, just awkward silence.
They fall asleep to the drone of the electric fan and the dead silence of the night air.
×
Sehun ends up inviting Luhan to her dorm every time and Luhan accepting.
They spend the nights side by side, back to back.
They don't know that the few inches that separate them dissipates slowly into every night.
×
Luhan finds himself nuzzling a warm chest the next morning. He's pressed close to Sehun's chest and she has her arms around him in. Her eyes are closed, feathery lashes grazing fair cheeks. Even at sleep, Sehun is beautiful. Luhan feels his heart beating a little bit more faster, and there's this pull that urges him to get closer, to kiss her.
As Sehun's eyes flutter open, Luhan pulls in to connect the distance separating them. Hands roam under shirts, skin on skin. Trails of fire from every touch.
Luhan pulls away from a moment to let Sehun pull her shirt off. Luhan can feel himself becoming harder and he sees the first peek of her body and when the shirt comes off, he immediately kisses her under her jaw. A minute later, Sehun is naked and Luhan's clothes are joined in a pile with hers on the floor.
Small shudders of pleasure travel down Sehun's spine as Luhan's lips press down to trace her collarbones, her breasts, her belly. His lips leave fire everywhere it touches. Sehun bites her lip to keep from moaning out loud because Chanyeol might still be in the dorm. She wouldn't take her chances.
His lips finally reach their destination and a surprised gasp escapes her as he licks at her clit directly. Sehun's eyes close involuntarily as Luhan eats her out, a sensory overload threatening to overrun her.
The foreplay melts into Luhan filling her, rocking slowly back and forth. Her hands are on his back, struggling to find something to hold on to.
They're both quite as they come, Luhan's eyes closed and mouth slightly open. Sehun arches her back and breath caught in her throat.
As they lay down in the post-sex euphoria, one thought runs through two minds. Did the love disappear at all?
×
"I just want you to know that I'm sorry." Luhan takes a deep breath. "I was stupid. I broke up with you for the wrong reasons and.."
"Remember how in my speech, I said people are made of ideas and to dissolve those, we should get to know the person better? Well, I'm a hypocrite. I fell into my own trap and I.. Expected you to stay as my own idea of you. I'm really sorry, I made you cry and Oh God. Why am I such a failure?" Luhan is rambling and it's half unintelligible but nevertheless, Sehun smiles and it turns into a small laugh.
"Why are you laughing at me?" Luhan asks. "I sound stupid don't I?"
"Just shut up and kiss me." Luhan does kiss her and for a minute, he can feel his metaphorical idea of her dissolving and everything is just.
Happy.
author's/artist's note: to the dear prompter: i'm so sorry this doesn't follow your prompt!! i did my best, istg. I hope you enjoy anyway! and also if anyone's confused, they're in their second year of college !!