#95: A Heart's Worth: Part Four
“I’m not someone as simple as you think I am.” Shi Xun says an hour later, when they have finished crying their eyes out. Luhan is wrapped up in his jacket, snug and warm.
“Why?”
“I come with a strict family, with obligations and burdens and responsibilities and unhappy memories too.” Shi Xun gives a dry laughter, looking sad. “I didn't have a proper childhood. I spent my younger days learning about politics when the other children go to the gardens to play. And there are nights when I cannot sleep well, nights where I’d toss and turn and wake up drenched in perspiration, just like you hyung, just like you.”
Luhan remains silent, head resting lightly on Shi Xun’s broad shoulder. He listens, exhausted, but attentive. Crying it all out seems to remove a chunk of unhappiness from him.
“But on nights when I’m with you, I fall asleep easily.” He turns to Luhan with a crooked smile, one he saves only for Luhan. “You’re better than any medication I’ve ever taken to sleep.”
“Don’t be cheesy.” Luhan grins back, despite the situation. It’s odd, because an hour ago they were in the midst of a storm, but now, the rain clouds have parted and sunlight filters through the gaps in the sky.
“I’m not.” Shi Xun sighs. “When we first met, I wondered why the more I tried to reach for you, the more you’d slip through my fingers, like air.” He smiles into the distance, looking forlorn. Luhan smiles along too. It is a dim memory, but an important one. Shi Xun had walked down the row of tables with a bag pack and gotten him into trouble with Mr Ma on the very first day. Memories. They are photos taken by the heart.
“But most of all, I saw myself in you.” Shi Xun runs a hand through his gelled hair, messing up the strands. “Does that make any sense?” He says. “I saw how frightened you were of the world, and it made me think of my past.”
“My father isn’t someone you’d think of when you see other families, where parents hold their children between them, hand in hand.” Shi Xun says. “For all his life, he’d been involved in politics and less involved in his family. When I was born, circumstances in Hong Kong had been too dangerous for children to grow up in, with all the riots and strikes during the electoral periods. So my mother went to Korea with me. I grew up there and lived another identity.”
Luhan runs a finger down the front of Shi Xun’s expensive dress shirt. Shi Xun sucks in a deep breath and shivers slightly.
“But my father is the mayor of this country and I am due to replace him when the time comes.”
Luhan halts, eyes widening. “The mayor?”
“He is,” Shi Xun murmurs
“But being a mayor isn’t something that you want to be when you grow older.” Luhan says.
“I know. But he is my father.” Shi Xun shakes his head in defeat. “There are certain things I have to follow.”
He doesn’t say more, but Luhan can see scenarios flooding his mind. This means Shi Xun eventually has to take over the role of the mayor, and will definitely be in the public spotlight. He must also marry a woman to carry on the family line, so that his children can carry on the deed, and this means they can never be together-
“Stop.” Shi Xun interrupts. “I know what you are thinking and I want to tell you that you are horribly wrong.”
“How so?” Luhan’s tone comes out all wrong. He doesn’t want to sound as scared as he really is.
“I know you’re thinking that we’ll eventually break up, and I’ll have to marry a woman.” Shi Xun palms Luhan’s cheeks, running his thumb across Luhan’s bottom lip. “I won’t.” He says softly. “That woman you saw, she is just a delegate from another country and I am her escort. To my father, she is a priceless political tie. Yet to me, she is nothing but an acquaintance. I will not marry her, or any other woman even if my father says I have to.”
Shi Xun tucks Luhan’s head beneath his chin. “If I did, I will not be happy and you will not be happy as well. Why create a tragedy, when happiness is already before us?”
Because society dictates the rules that tell us how we have to live. “You know it isn’t possible.” Luhan says. He feels horrible. While Shi Xun is braving the winds and storms, Luhan is retreating into the shelters.
“Nothing is impossible.” Shi Xun says. “It will be difficult but certainly not impossible and I cannot do it without you. I love you, Luhan. You keep telling me how much I’ve taught you to stow your fears away. But you’ve also taught me that love can be so strong, even between men, and it is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever owned. I am rich, but it isn’t until I have your heart in my hands when I realize I’m the luckiest man in the world.”
Luhan can only stare at Shi Xun, with pink cheeks and renewed hope.
“I promise you, I’ll never let you down. I promise you, I’ll won’t let the world crush us.” He smiles at Luhan once more. Luhan can see the stars and galaxies in his irises. “And I promise you that I will be with you. I will never leave you behind.”
“That is a lot to promise,” Luhan says.
“When have I ever let you down?” Shi Xun replies. “My heart is yours to take."
Their eyes are meant to see the sun. Their feet are meant to move and walk. What about their hearts? They are meant to learn and love, just as Luhan has learnt to love Shi Xun from the moment he entered the doors of the classroom.
❀ ❀ ❀
It turns out that the dinner function Shi Xun had attended was a gathering for the world leaders and delegates, and also an opportunity for Mr Wu to announce his son’s identity after years.
Two days later, Luhan walks along the streets and sees photos of Shi Xun splashed all over the city, on the walls and the bus stations, even on the front cover of the daily newspapers. He picks a copy up. Mayor’s son revealed after 18 years of speculation, to take over his father’s footsteps. Luhan looks at the photograph of Shi Xun standing next to his father. They look similar, with the air of seriousness and elegance.
The more Shi Xun lives beneath the limelight, the more Luhan has to hide away beneath the shadows. It will be difficult but certainly not impossible and I cannot do it without you, Shi Xun’s deep, raspy voice fills his mind. Luhan puts the papers back onto the pile, turning and leaving in the opposite direction.
Surely, everything will be okay.
❀ ❀ ❀
With Shi Xun’s crucial identity, they have to be discrete.
It is challenging and restrictive, but what difference does it make when their dates had always taken place within the closed walls of Luhan’s room or in the comfort of Shi Xun’s secret meadow.
Shi Xun had waited until the sun had waned and moon had risen, before he’d sneak his way to Luhan’s house and bring him to the meadow. On some days, they’d draw the curtains and turn off the lights so that others cannot spy. Gradually, Luhan gets used to it, and learns to embrace the shadows. It isn’t a bad thing, because whenever the darkness encroaches on his sanity, the warmth from Shi Xun’s palm gives him all the strength he needs.
❀ ❀ ❀
Luhan brings Zi Tao with him when he visits Grandma Liu the next week.
“Grandma!” Zi Tao bounds across the hospital room to the side of her bed. “How are you feeling?”
“Strong.” She smiles. “I am fine, don’t worry about an old woman. How are you?”
“Great.” Zi Tao grins. “We’re entering university next year!”
“Please bring Luhan along with you,” his grandmother says as she holds Zi Tao’s hand. “What major do you intend to study?”
Hence, Zi Tao talks to Grandma Liu throughout the afternoon, keeping her entertained with his silly jokes and noisy sentences. He tells her about their lives, everything but Shi Xun’s identity. She’ll worry about Luhan if she’d known.
Before they leave that day, Grandma Liu takes Luhan’s hand and asks, “when can you bring Shi Xun to see me again? I miss him.
“He’s a little busy now.” Luhan says. Busy being the mayor’s son. “We don’t see him often as well.” Zi Tao remains quiet
“That’s a pity,” she says, shoulders drooping in disappointment. “Well, next time then. There’ll always be a next time.”
❀ ❀ ❀
“Luhan,” Shi Xun asks a few nights later, hands beneath his head as he lies on the soft grass in the meadow, looking up into the inviting sea of stars. Luhan pillows himself on Shi Xun’s chest, hearing the constant beat of his heart. “Do you believe in fate?”
“What kind of question is that?” Luhan rolls his eyes. “Why are you being sappy?"
“I’m not.” Shi Xun laughs. “Just answer it.”
“Well I do.” Luhan replies and he props himself up on his elbow. “Fate is the reason why we’re meant to know each other.” He runs a finger down the slope of Shi Xun’s nose. “It is why you, Zi Tao and I have become such great friends. Of course I believe in it.”
“Do you know you can tell fate just by looking at the stars?”
“Really?”
“Yes.” Shi Xun pulls Luhan down into his chest, peppering his hair with kisses. “If you look just closely, you’ll find a star that represents you, and then you’ll see other stars surrounding it, and those are the important people in your life. Most people don’t know this, because they are too busy with their lives that they don’t bother to look up at the stars.”
Hence, Luhan sinks into silence and observes the stars. He sees the people dear to him, and is comforted that no matter how the earth rotates, the stars will never move; the people he love will always be etched deeply in the night sky, so that wherever he may be, Luhan can pause and look up to remind himself of the reasons he so fervently lives for.
❀ ❀ ❀
When the winter ends and spring arrives, the cold icy snow melts into chunks of slippery ice. Still, it doesn’t hinder business and many arrive to enjoy a bowl of hot dessert.
“Are you still open for business?” the bell at the door rings. Luhan is about to close for the day. As he spins in his apron to face the door, ready to inform the customer that the opening hours are over, he recognizes whom it is from and halts in his tracks.
Shi Xun’s father enters the stall with measured footsteps, eyes sweeping the stall from left to right and his expression, blank. Luhan freezes in the spot.
“Am I not welcomed?”
“No,” Luhan snaps into attention. “No, of course you are welcome. Please come in.” Luhan tries to concentrate on thinking rather than the sudden lurch of his heart. He reaches for the menu from the shelf but Mr Wu waves it off.
“I’ll like to have black sesame with almond.” He says with a smile. This is also what Shi Xun usually eats. “I’m sure you have it here.”
“Yes Sir,” Luhan bows. “I’ll bring one bowl right away.”
When Luhan returns with a bowl of steaming hot dessert, he deposits it onto the table gently, and is about to turn away when he is stopped.
“Can you take a seat too?” Mr Wu gestures to the chair opposite him. “Don’t leave an old man alone.”
“Oh,” Luhan breathes. “Sure.” He plops onto the chair, unsure of how to place himself. Should he make a conversation? Or remain silent?
“What is your name?”
“Luhan.” He answers politely. Mr Wu looks up from his dessert to regard him with a piercing gaze. Inwardly, Luhan notices that Shi Xun must have inherited his father’s eyes.
“Is that your birth name?"
“Yes.”
“What does it mean?”
Luhan blinks at him. “Lu for deer and Han for dawn. The dawn of the deer.”
“That is a beautiful name.” Mr Wu gives him a small smile.
“Thank you.” Luhan doesn’t know what else to say.
“I heard you knew my son through high school. I’m sure you know who he is."
Luhan tries to not let his emotions slip. “Of course.” He replies with a steady voice. “He is a friend to both Zi Tao and I. We’re best friends.”
“He is a friend to Zi Tao, yes.” Mr Wu takes a spoonful of black sesame and drinks it with a loud slurping noise. He makes an appreciative voice at the back of his throat. “But to you, he isn’t.”
There is a quiet pause before Luhan answers hesitantly. “What do you mean?” He asks in a small voice. The air is suffocating, like there is a sudden lack of oxygen, even though there are only two people in the stall now. “We’re really good friends.”
“I mean.” Mr Wu stops eating. “People are born to walk different paths. Perhaps, yours and my son’s are not meant to be the same. He isn’t supposed to walk through it like this.” Mr Wu’s gaze is penetrating but Luhan just cannot seem to pull away. “Not with you.”
“I don’t understand what you are saying.” Luhan says. Pain starts to pound in his chest, coursing through his body.
“I am sure you do.” Mr Wu takes out his wallet and places a wad of cash on the table. It is enough for hundreds of dessert bowls, yet Luhan is too stunned to react. He taps the stack of money twice. “I’m sure you do.”
He stands up and walks to the door, but stops in his tracks.
“This bell.” Mr Wu asks. He points to the one hanging by the entrance. “Is… this yours?”
Luhan looks up from the money on the table, feeling lost and heartbroken, but confused at the same time. “Yes...” He is surprised he hasn’t lost the ability to speak. “Is there a problem?”
“Where did you get it from?” Mr Wu has his back to Luhan. He cannot read his face.
“I had it since birth.” Luhan says. “My grandmother hung it there because she says the sound of the bell can bring good things. Fortune or sometimes, luck.”
For a few seconds, the stall is quiet, so quiet that Luhan can hear the silence ringing in his ears. “I see.” Mr Wu speaks up after a distinct pause. He gives Luhan a sideward glance. The light casts onto his face but Luhan cannot comprehend his expression. “Keep it well, as you have all these years.”
❀ ❀ ❀
Luhan takes the money and keeps it in an empty metal tin. He pushes in beneath his bed, until the tin hits the wall.
Things that are dark should always remain in the dark.
❀ ❀ ❀
Shi Xun comes late into next night. He is clad in a lush black business suit, dress shirt undone by three buttons and tie askew on his neck.
“You look tired.” Luhan says.
“Very.” Shi Xun grunts as he sinks into the edge of Luhan’s bed. He tugs at his tie but he cannot seem to untie it.
“Let me.” Luhan says. He moves to stand between Shi Xun’s knees, gently pushing Shi Xun’s long slender fingers away. “You cannot do it if you’re impatient. It’s like Math, you have to be patient but quick at the same time.”
“Math.” Shi Xun laughs. “Of all things you had to bring math up.” It is bittersweet memory, when Luhan hadn’t figured out his feelings for the moody, bratty teenager back then. It has only been months, but so many things have changed.
“It is relevant.” Luhan defends with a smile. He careful undoes the first knot in the tie, and straightens the fabric with his hands. It is expensive and Luhan doesn’t want to be the reason it creases. “So you have to remember it.”
Luhan almost finishes undoing the tie when Shi Xun’s hands envelope his. “Whenever I attend all these business functions and obligatory dinners, I always think of the next time I get to see you.”
Luhan blushes, thankfully the dark doesn’t betray him now.
“You’re being cheesy again.” Luhan shrugs it off by flicking at Shi Xun’s exposed forehead. Even so, he does it lightly.
Shi Xun chuckles, and catches Luhan’s right hand. “Sometimes, I still cannot believe that you are mine. In the world with 3 billion people, we are meant for each other.” Shi Xun kisses Luhan’s palm. His lips are moist and soft. “Soon, I will have the power to change the country. When I am finally this country’s mayor, I will impose laws to lift the ban of homosexuals. I will make sure others find their happiness under the exposed sunlight instead of within the secrecy of their homes. It’s going to take really long,” Shi Xun says. “It will possibly take years and I am working on it now, everyday, every waking hour. I will do my best.”
When Shi Xun pauses to catch his breath, Luhan swoops in to kiss him. He doesn’t do more than that, just a simple touch of their lips against each other. Luhan holds Shi Xun’s cheeks tenderly.
“I know.” Luhan strokes his hair. “I know.” The way Shi Xun’s eyes gleam with unspoken emotions is enough to make his heart swell. Although his father had come to pull them apart, Luhan thinks that as long as Shi Xun holds on, Luhan will never want to let go.
“You will succeed,” Luhan finds renewed faith blossoming in his chest, like a flower blooming beneath the moonlight. It will be a long way to go, but it will come. He bends a little to kiss Shi Xun’s forehead, down the slope of his nose, to his cheeks and then to his lips. All the different times Shi Xun had taken steps to reassure him, it is Luhan’s turn to do the same.
That night when they make love, Shi Xun enters Luhan with utmost care, head tucked into the crook of Luhan’s right shoulder. They are unhurried and take their time exploring their bodies, as though it is the first time they are having sex.
“I love you,” Shi Xun pants as he reaches his climax. “I love you so much.”
Luhan matches his rhythm. “I love you too.” Tears escape his eyes and trickle onto his pillow. More than anything else in this world. He submits willingly and gives all of him to the man he loves.
Love is a special thing. It can break you into pieces, but it can also make you whole again.
❀ ❀ ❀
There is a knock on his door a week later. Luhan expects it to be Shi Xun, but instead, Zi Tao comes barging in, drunk in his footsteps and nonsensical mumblings spilling from his mouth.
“Zi Tao!” Luhan exclaims, pulling him in and shutting the door behind him, hoping his drunken stupor will not wake the rest of the orphans. “God, what happened? Why are you this drunk?”
“Luhan.” Zi Tao slurs, staggering forward and then backwards. Luhan tries to steady him.
“What happened to you?” Luhan asks, biting his lips and frowning at the sight. Zi Tao is a good drinker and hardly gets this drunk. Something bad must have happened.
“Luhan,” Zi Tao chokes. “Luhan… I’m so sorry.”
“Why?” Luhan pats Zi Tao’s cheeks repeatedly. “What are you sorry for?”
“I’m so sorry.” Zi Tao brings Luhan into his chest. The scent of beer and alcohol envelops them. It makes Luhan gag, but he holds it all in, lifting his hands to Zi Tao’s back and rubbing soothing circles. “I’m sorry Luhan,” He starts sobbing into Luhan’s hair.
Luhan’s heart clenches at how broken Zi Tao sounds. “What’s wrong?” Luhan tries to comfort him by rocking their bodies back and forth, like how he’d done when Zi Tao was injured from the bullies when they were younger. “Shh… don’t cry.”
“Luhan,” Zi Tao hugs him, arms firm around his waist. He cries into his shoulder. “I’m leaving for America by the end of this week.”
“What?” Luhan gasps. The news is too sudden. He pulls back slightly as his heart falls. “Why?”
Zi Tao shakes his head. “It’s all my fault.” He bursts into fresh tears and Luhan tries to keep himself from panicking. He thumbs at Zi Tao cheeks, hoping to stop the tears that keep falling. “I didn’t know Shi Xun’s dad is my father’s friend. He’d asked me about you one day, all of a sudden. I was so scared.” Zi Tao coughs between his sobs. “I just said we’re all close friends and maybe it was because I was too nervous he saw right through my lie.”
Luhan’s heart speeds up. It feels like it can burst. This explains the sudden visit from Mr Wu.
“I’m sorry.” Zi Tao apologizes for the umpteenth time. He cannot stop crying. Luhan caresses his hair, hushing him and crying along. It breaks his heart to see the people around him getting hurt because of him. His grandmother remains unwell in the hospital because of his inability to earn more. Shi Xun works laboriously for their future, sacrificing his health and sleep for him. Zi Tao has to shoulder their secret and it is a big secret to keep.
“It’s okay,” Luhan coos. “It’s not your fault.” For the first time in a long time, Luhan feels like a liability to everyone. He hugs Zi Tao tightly. “Don’t cry. Please.” Why does everyone cry for him?
“My parents found out that you’re not….” Zi Tao struggles to take in a deep breath. He shudders, and Luhan pats his chest to soothe his breathing. “That you’re…” Zi Tao cannot seem to find the right word. That you’re gay. Luhan finishes the sentence painfully in his mind, but he nods fervently at the boy, urging him to continue speaking.
“And they are disappointed in me,” Zi Tao says. “For being your friend. They are afraid you will… influence me.”
In all honesty, this isn’t something Luhan hadn’t seen coming. He just doesn’t expect it to come this fast. Sometimes he really hates who he is, why he has to be born to be different, and the difference will never be highly regarded in the world. It will be condemned to the last level of hell. It hurts more than before, because reality comes crashing that there will be a day when he’ll be left all alone, and those he holds close to heart will be taken away from him. But whom can he blame?
“My parents want me to leave. I have to attend university in America.” Zi Tao cries. “I don’t want to leave Hong Kong. I can’t speak English. I’m scared. I don’t want to leave you. I don’t want to leave Shi Xun too. Luhan,” The way Zi Tao say his name tears him into smithereens. It is the most heart-breaking thing he has ever heard. “What am I going to do?”
“I’m sorry, Zi Tao.” Luhan says, and he means it, with whatever bit of him that is left. “I’m so sorry I got you into this.”
I’m sorry I’m such a burden. Luhan brings Zi Tao’s head to his shoulder, hoping his friend can release all unhappy thoughts from his mind. I’m sorry for being different. This is possibly the last time Luhan can be there for him when he cries. Just like how he’d dealt with the shadows, Luhan will face all the consequences alone.
No one else, but him, will be allowed to get hurt.
❀ ❀ ❀
The end of the week finally comes. As much as Luhan dreads this day, life still goes on at its pace.
Zi Tao manages to sneak out from his curfew when his parents had fallen asleep. Shi Xun arrives late at night.
The three of them lie side by side of Luhan’s bed, listening to the sounds of the night beyond the window. The room is in semi darkness, with the pale streaks of moonlight filtering through the curtains. Nobody says a single word. After all, there are so many things left to say, with too little time in their hands. Luhan lies in between his friends, with Shi Xun on his left and Zi Tao on his right. It is the way they oriented themselves when they are together, just as how they’d sat in class a year ago. It makes him recall happier times, to the days when they’d lessons. Zi Tao will always have his arm around his shoulder and Shi Xun will hold onto his waist. They are his pillars of support, strong and sturdy even during the harshest thunderstorms.
“I’m sorry.” Luhan is the first to speak. His throat is dry from all the crying. It is inevitable to feel as though a part of him has been ripped out. “I’m sorry that it has to be like this.”
“Don’t apologize.” Luhan feels Zi Tao shaking his head, his hair brushing against the skin on Luhan’s neck. “We shouldn’t be this sad.”
“Yeah. Remain positive.” Shi Xun says, although his voice shows none of that. “We can’t let leave Zi Tao in sadness.”
“That’s right.” Zi Tao turns to face Luhan. He smiles. “I will be back. It won’t be a permanent thing. Besides, you’ll have university to keep you busy."
But I won’t be entering one. Luhan just smiles back. His friends are trying to cheer him up when they need to be cheered up instead. There is pain hidden behind their smiles, but they keep it stowed away for the sake of Luhan.
“Don’t worry.” Luhan assures, because he knows Zi Tao always worries even though he doesn’t show it. “Everything will be fine.”
“I will be here to take care of Luhan.” Shi Xun assures Zi Tao.
“Make sure he eats.” Zi Tao says to Shi Xun, like Luhan isn’t there listening to them talk. “Make sure he smiles everyday, and make sure that he isn’t lost in his little world of insecurities. Make sure he sleeps well and doesn’t have nightmares.”
“I will be fine.” Luhan says. “I’ll send you letters when you’re in America.”
“Okay. You must or I will hate you.” Zi Tao beams at him, that child-like personality still showing around the edges of adulthood. “10 letters each week."
Shi Xun laughs and Zi Tao giggles along. Their voices nestles into the corners of Luhan’s room, embedding themselves there so that Luhan can listen to it whenever he thinks of them.
“Luhan,” Zi Tao rests on his side to face him. “Promise me that you will be healthy. Promise me that you must not change beneath the toll of years. When I finally come back to see you, you won’t be someone I don’t recognize.”
“Of course.” Luhan reaches to squeeze his nose. Zi Tao doesn’t like people doing that and he usually swats Luhan away. But this time, he lets him, scrunching his nose up in distaste instead.
You’ll always be my baby brother. “You must promise me something too.” Luhan says. Zi Tao had been there for him since they were young boys. They had been brothers and friends at the same time. Luhan regards him as family. “Promise me that you will have a wonderful life there. Make more friends, and try not to offend people with your personality. When you finally meet someone you love, no matter who that person is, you must love well and love bravely.”
“I will,” Zi Tao nods. “Just as you did.”
Shi Xun turns and snakes an arm around Luhan’s stomach.
“Thank you for accepting us.” Shi Xun says. “It’s all the blessing we can get, and it’s all the blessing we will need.”
“Good things come to those who wait for them.” Zi Tao says. “And good things will come to those who started them. I won’t forget our friendship."
Luhan doesn’t cry anymore that night, or the next day when Zi Tao’s apartment is empty, or the next week when Zi Tao no longer pops into the dessert stall like how he’d used to. Luhan had promised to be strong and this is a promise he will strive to keep.
❀ ❀ ❀
“Life is filled with separation.” Grandma Liu says when Luhan walks into the hospital room. She is looking out of the window, staring at the children playing at the grass patch. “You cannot always expect the status quo.”
Life goes on. “I know.” Luhan says. “But I miss Zi Tao.”
“You will.” His grandmother replies, her voice frail yet steady. “Missing those who are dear to you is something that is very common to all of us. The sadness in your heart is proof of how much that person means to you. I am sure Zi Tao is feeling sad too.”
“Why do we have feelings?” Luhan asks. It is five in the afternoon and the sun is setting, its orange rays forming an arc on the hospital floor.
“Because we are only human.” She replies. His grandmother always has the right words for his questions. Illiterate and uneducated, yet, she proves the heart learns differently from the brain.
❀ ❀ ❀
When Luhan arrives at the meadow, Shi Xun is sitting with his back to a bark and legs outstretched, watching the sunrays dance between the canopies of trees. He seems to be in deep thought, eyes staring into nothing.
“Shi Xun,” Luhan is careful not to startle him. He takes a seat next to Shi Xun. “What are you thinking about?”
“A lot of things.” Shi Xun says. He does sound tired. “Too many things.”
“Such as?” Luhan says. The flowers are blooming beneath spring’s grace and they are as pretty as Shi Xun. “I’ll be here to listen. It isn’t too good to keep them all in.”
“It’s alright.” Shi Xun lowers himself onto the grass and rests his head on Luhan’s lap. He takes in a deep breath. “They are things that are beyond my control.” There are deep bags lining his eyes, as though Shi Xun hasn’t had sleep for days. It pains Luhan to see him like this but his newly assumed identity does not come without responsibilities.
So there is nothing more he can do but to massage Shi Xun’s temples, rolling his knuckles on the skin there, kneading lightly. Shi Xun lets out sounds of appreciation, smiling in satisfaction.
“Then why are you thinking about them?” Luhan continues his ministrations, taking utmost care to be gentle. The wind blows and the dandelions sway in the breeze.
“I just don’t believe I cannot control them.” Shi Xun scrunches his eyebrows together, the same expression he gives whenever he can’t solve a math problem. “There has to be a way out.”
Luhan smiles. “There will be. Someone once said that nothing is impossible.” He quotes.
Shi Xun laughs, the ends of his eyes disappearing into crinkles. “You remember what I said?”
“Yes,” Luhan laughs as well. “I remember everything you say.” He places his palm at the tip of Shi Xun’s chin, stroking it lovingly. Tiny stubbles scrap against his skin. Shi Xun isn’t usually this forgetful. He must have been really busy.
“That is because you love me too much.” Shi Xun grins smugly, looking up at Luhan with cheekiness so endearing, Luhan wants to wrap it up and keep it inside his pockets. “What will I do without you?”
There are words left unsaid. Luhan can feel them lingering in the air.
“I was just thinking of life,” Shi Xun says. “I was thinking of all the people who’d been with me. I thought of my family, Zi Tao and then you. I wonder if there may be a day when things will change.”
“What do you mean?” Luhan asks. The wind blows and the white petals of daises fall onto Shi Xun’s hair. Luhan picks them out.
“I was just wondering… hypothetically,” Shi Xun says. He catches a falling flower and tucks the flower into Luhan’s ear, pushing the stalk into his hair. Shi Xun smiles, but the smile doesn’t seem to reach his eyes. “If there were a day that I’d cease to exist,” his gaze is piercing, “what will you do?”
What will I do without you?
Luhan thinks that life will be so different without Shi Xun. It’ll be like a painting completed in grey undertones, without an ounce of happiness in the brush strokes. This is how his life had been drawn, for as long as he remembers, until Shi Xun came along with a splash of vibrant colours. It’ll be different without him, and this difference will hurt.
“I will go insane.” Luhan says. The pain in his heart makes him treasure their moments more, for time seems short, and happiness may slip out of his fingers.
I don’t think I can survive.
❀ ❀ ❀
For the next few days, Shi Xun doesn’t show up at the meadow.
Luhan waits worriedly for him at their designated time; under the same oak tree they’d spend hours talking. Where are you? Sometimes he waits until he has to leave, and on other times, he’ll wait a little longer until he has to make his way to the hospital. Are you safe?
He waits and waits and waits.
❀ ❀ ❀
“Luhan.” Grandma Liu finishes the last bite of her plain porridge. It tastes blend, with only a few sporadic pieces of pork and vegetables, but she still manages to finish all of it. “What is distracting you?”
“Nothing.” Luhan answers. He pours her a glass of water. She has stopped taking her daily dose of pu er tea, because the doctors claim that it thins her medication. “What can be distracting me?”
“Don’t hide it from me. I can see it in your eyes.” Grandma Liu says. “They can never tell a lie well.”
Luhan feels terrible. His grandmother is sickly, with medication that can barely destroy the viruses that slowly weaken her. Yet here he is, sharing about problems that will only serve to worry her.
“Don’t worry,” he says. “I will be fine.”
“This is what people always say.” She closes her eyes. “But they can never do it, not when they have lost half a battle to their thoughts.”
It is painfully true. “I haven’t seen Shi Xun for days.” Luhan cannot hide his sadness. “I am worried.” Will I lose him like how I lost Zi Tao?
“Is the worry necessary?” His grandmother says, expression resolute and sure. “Shi Xun will not leave you, just as you will never leave him. Love is all about trust. Where is yours?”
Luhan looks down at his lap, fingers fisting the fabric of his pants. He admits he’d been imagining Shi Xun in inappropriate scenarios. It isn’t fair to his boyfriend, but Luhan doesn’t know what to do. He is at a loss. He can’t march up to Shi Xun’s house to question him. He doesn’t know where Shi Xun lives. He can only wait at the meadow, or the dessert stall, hoping that his familiar handsome face will show up at the door just like before.
“Your trust is in here.” Grandma Liu points at his heart, the tip of her finger resting lightly on his chest. “Listen to it.”
And so he does. If trust is what he needs to give, he will do so wholeheartedly.
❀ ❀ ❀
A letter arrives the following week.
It is from the Ministry of Education, and it requires his application for the university.
Luhan leaves the letter in his mailbox.
❀ ❀ ❀
It is 11pm at night when Luhan sits on one of the long and cold wooden benches in the hospital walkway, leaning against the wall.
He’d visited his grandmother after dinner, only to arrive to the scene of nurses following after harsh instructions and doctors running into his grandmother’s room. He had been denied entry.
Her condition had taken a turn for the worse, and the doctors are trying their best to save her. Prepare for the worst, her leading physician had warned him, before disappearing behind the door with a mask on his face. Luhan can feel tears welling in his eyes.
He’d lost Zi Tao. Maybe he’ll lose Shi Xun as well. He doesn’t want to lose his grandmother to the clutches of death. Not now, not when loneliness sits next to him like an old friend. It is all too familiar, and it reminds him of the stormy day he’d spent in the stall after throwing a tantrum at Shi Xun.
He really wishes Shi Xun were here, with his inviting chest and broad shoulders. Luhan gradually falls asleep to the sound of the clock ticking on the wall, imaging that he is in the dessert stall almost a year back, with his healthy grandmother, Zi Tao and Shi Xun huddled around him holding a birthday cake.
He’d wished for happiness.
Maybe wishes just don’t come true.
❀ ❀ ❀
Luhan awakes with a start. He scrambles to his feet, disoriented but exhaustion fades the moment he sees the doctor standing before him.
“Your grandmother’s condition is stable for now. But she is too weak to regain consciousness.” He pats Luhan on the shoulder. Luhan tries to process the two sentences, but nothing is making sense now.
“There is nothing more that we can do.”
❀ ❀ ❀
He returns to the stall the following morning. It is still dark when he walks along the deserted street where a few street lamps illuminate the roads. There are only few people walking quickly, rushing to their homes to have a good rest. But Luhan doesn’t feel like going home. It is a place where he’ll have memories that are too painful to bear. Home is where his grandmother knocks on his door every Saturday with a bowl of piping hot green bean soup in her hands. Home is a place where she’d fuss over him when he doesn’t wear enough.
Luhan wishes he had Shi Xun by his side, with his kind smile and warm large hands around his waist to reassure him that the storms will past and the sun will shine again. He realizes how much he misses him, how much he misses his strong and steady presence. Where are you now? Shi Xun always knows the right words to say to make Luhan feel better.
When he pushes the key into the lock on the door of the stall, it creaks open to darkness. His blood freezes dry. He’d remembered locking up before he rushed to the hospital.
No.
In one swift move, Luhan opens the door and switches on the light. To his utmost horror, the walls have been hacked, the tables and chairs have been splintered, and the counter has been destroyed. The kitchen is in a mess and the contents of the refrigerator are strewn all over the floor. It doesn’t take another second to realize who the culprit is.
He leans against the nearest wall and the strength in his knees fade. He sinks to the cold floor.
Why are obstacles coming at him like the crashing waves at the shore? He doesn’t care if Mr Wu hires thugs to beat him up. They can beat him until he bleeds to death. They can cripple him or hurt him in unimaginable ways.
The stall is proof of his grandmother’s hard work. It is a place where she’d spent the majority of her life, tolling beneath the sweltering heat in summer and the biting cold during the winter. It is also the reason why she will spend the last moments of her life in a hospital, sick from the lack of care for her health all these years. But now, in just one night, everything is destroyed.
Luhan feels so helpless. He is frightened too. Help me. Someone. There is nothing he can do. He has no proof. He has no power. He looks out of the window and cries to the Heavens. When will my misery end? He pleads, tears escaping his eyes. He doesn’t see the end of the sky, just as he doesn’t see the end of his sorrows.
Part 5