They were all laughing, laughing, laughing....
A old high school teacher of mine lifted the lid off the pot on the stove. It was full of delicious look red soup. It was boiling. I started getting hungry, I knew I wanted some. She said to everyone, "My mother wanted to bring it to you guys."
She said she needed bowls. Preferably black. I climbed onto the counter top so I could reach the cabinets above it. No one said anything unusual. I tried, but I couldn't find any black bowls. Below me, people were already enjoying the soup. I didn't want any yet -- I wanted to make sure my teacher got the black bowls, they seemed important to her. Suddenly, my cousin from below asked me what I was doing. I explained and she replied, "Oh, I thought you were doing something stupid."
Finally, I gave up. I climbed down, and I saw my sister drinking coffee out of a small pink cup. "Oh well," I thought. I grabbed another cup... it was blue and looked like a bell shaped flower. There was something stuck at the bottom though -- an old tea bag. I went to wash it out.
By then, I had forgotten about the soup. I had found a brush. It was glittery. I walked downstairs to see a group of people talking amongst themselves. One particular girl seemed especially upset. I stroked the brush down one side of her cheek as I walked by. Diamonds appeared on her face in the shape of a fairy. Everyone laughed and was happy and grateful to me. I sat down a talked to my cousin and my sister for awhile. I realized that the diamonds I brushed on originally were a bit large. I wanted to dust some sparkles on the other side of her face.
So, carefully I went up to brush small particles of diamond dust onto her other cheek. Unfortunately, more came out than I had expected. Her face was covered in white, and light colored blues and yellows. I tried to dust some off, but she pulled away. "That's enough!" she said.
I tried to tell her that it wasn't a good idea... that it looked bad. She didn't listen to me.She ran upstairs to try and get away from me. I tried to follow her, yelling after her, but she disappeared. I sat down, dejected, in a room all by myself. I started playing with my diamond dust brush. I love putting the sparkles on my cheeks.
Suddenly, a tall, blonde, man opened the door to my room. He looked extremely angry. The girl I was chasing after earlier was behind him. She was crying. He wagged his finger at me and scolded me. "How dare you," he said. I tried to explain to him what happened -- that I was just trying to help her. He didn't listen, though.
All of a sudden, I got angry. Very angry. I yelled, "Who are YOU? WHO ARE YOU to come here and scold at me like this! You don't even know me, and you dare to come here and wag your finger at me and complain that I was being rude!"
We fought back and forth. Then, he told me that he had witnessed the girl break up with her boyfriend. We both calmed down. I told him, "I don't know this girl, either! She is just a friend of my cousin." I told him that his scolding was unnecessary. Another girl came and asked me if I wanted to know about "the girl." I said yes.
She started talking about "the girl," for awhile when I realized she wasn't speaking about the same person I was thinking of. My best friend was in the back of the room, playing with her two children. They were twins: one boy, one girl. I started to tune out, because I realized I knew more about my friend than she did. Seeing them play made me happy. I couldn't wait to hug her before we left.
When it was time to leave, I followed everyone downstairs and out the door. But instead of getting the hug I wanted, my best friend ignored me and walked out the door. I realized I had no shoes on and I had to scramble upstairs quickly to find them again. I looked and looked and looked, but I couldn't find my shoes. Downstairs, I heard my mother and everyone in my family leaving without me. I began to panic. Why would they leave without me?
Finally, after a long time, I found my shoes... but I was going home by myself.
I ended up at my cousin's house. I was going down the street when I see two people. One is on a bike. he yells "I can't believe you have the nerve to come back here!"
"Why wouldn't I come back here?" I yelled back. I was under the impression that I was staying over at her house during my visit in town. Where else would I be able to stay?
I felt as if I knew this boy before. I knew he was gay and that he and I were kind to each other before.
"Why?" I asked. "Why are you being mean to me? I was kind to you, wasn't I?"
"Yes," he said. "But you said all these strange things that I didn't like." He quoted some things I now remember saying when I was defending a transgendered male. But at the time, what he said made no sense to me. I didn't remember saying any of that.
"I was only joking!!" I said, thinking that maybe he had confused me with someone else.
"Well you need to learn to joke better," he said.
I pulled on his shirt. "Please. I said. "Will someone just listen to me?"
He tried to pull me off of him, but my grip was too tight. "Get off me!" he said. "You're a freak!"
I tried to yell louder. "Please! Please!" I said. "You don't have to do anything! I just need someone to listen to me! Just listen! Please! Please!" I said. My eyes began to tear up.
"Please!" I kept screaming. "Just listen to me!"
I tried to scream out "Please!" One more time, but instead, nothing came out. I tried again. Still nothing. I let go of the boy's shirt and grabbed my throat. I rubbed and tried screaming out "Please!"... still nothing. "Oh no!" I tried saying. still nothing.
I had lost my voice. I tapped on the other, younger boy. He turned around and looked at me. I tried to show him I had lost my voice. When he realized this, he began to laugh. Another boy next to him began to laugh along. The gay boy was laughing, too. They were all laughing, laughing, laughing...
Why is everyone laughing at me?
Why is no one helping me?
Why isn't anyone willing to listen to me?
No one care about me!
Someone listen, Please!
That's when I woke up. And I cried. I was sore all over.
I tried to remember everything that happened in my dream. Why would no one listen to me? Why did everyone hate me? Even a gay boy who I was kind to was intolerant of me.
I wondered for awhile about people who get bullied in real life. Is this how they feel? Is this how people who want to kill themselves feel like? If my dream were real, I knew that if I had killed myself or had even died horribly, the people in my dream would find out and laugh at how funny it was or rejoice that I was dead. Is that how people who want to kill themselves feel would happen if they were do it?
The worse part... was that I realized that even if it was just a dream, it wasn't completely out of reality.
I know what it feels like to be laughed at by everyone and bullied. A lot of people are afraid of being laughed at -- it's embarrassing. But it's not embarrassing for me -- it's mortifying. I felt so alone in that dream. I was so scared and desperate. I wanted anyone, anyone, to listen to me. Just ONE person... who was willing to. There was no one.
She said she needed bowls. Preferably black. I climbed onto the counter top so I could reach the cabinets above it. No one said anything unusual. I tried, but I couldn't find any black bowls. Below me, people were already enjoying the soup. I didn't want any yet -- I wanted to make sure my teacher got the black bowls, they seemed important to her. Suddenly, my cousin from below asked me what I was doing. I explained and she replied, "Oh, I thought you were doing something stupid."
Finally, I gave up. I climbed down, and I saw my sister drinking coffee out of a small pink cup. "Oh well," I thought. I grabbed another cup... it was blue and looked like a bell shaped flower. There was something stuck at the bottom though -- an old tea bag. I went to wash it out.
By then, I had forgotten about the soup. I had found a brush. It was glittery. I walked downstairs to see a group of people talking amongst themselves. One particular girl seemed especially upset. I stroked the brush down one side of her cheek as I walked by. Diamonds appeared on her face in the shape of a fairy. Everyone laughed and was happy and grateful to me. I sat down a talked to my cousin and my sister for awhile. I realized that the diamonds I brushed on originally were a bit large. I wanted to dust some sparkles on the other side of her face.
So, carefully I went up to brush small particles of diamond dust onto her other cheek. Unfortunately, more came out than I had expected. Her face was covered in white, and light colored blues and yellows. I tried to dust some off, but she pulled away. "That's enough!" she said.
I tried to tell her that it wasn't a good idea... that it looked bad. She didn't listen to me.She ran upstairs to try and get away from me. I tried to follow her, yelling after her, but she disappeared. I sat down, dejected, in a room all by myself. I started playing with my diamond dust brush. I love putting the sparkles on my cheeks.
Suddenly, a tall, blonde, man opened the door to my room. He looked extremely angry. The girl I was chasing after earlier was behind him. She was crying. He wagged his finger at me and scolded me. "How dare you," he said. I tried to explain to him what happened -- that I was just trying to help her. He didn't listen, though.
All of a sudden, I got angry. Very angry. I yelled, "Who are YOU? WHO ARE YOU to come here and scold at me like this! You don't even know me, and you dare to come here and wag your finger at me and complain that I was being rude!"
We fought back and forth. Then, he told me that he had witnessed the girl break up with her boyfriend. We both calmed down. I told him, "I don't know this girl, either! She is just a friend of my cousin." I told him that his scolding was unnecessary. Another girl came and asked me if I wanted to know about "the girl." I said yes.
She started talking about "the girl," for awhile when I realized she wasn't speaking about the same person I was thinking of. My best friend was in the back of the room, playing with her two children. They were twins: one boy, one girl. I started to tune out, because I realized I knew more about my friend than she did. Seeing them play made me happy. I couldn't wait to hug her before we left.
When it was time to leave, I followed everyone downstairs and out the door. But instead of getting the hug I wanted, my best friend ignored me and walked out the door. I realized I had no shoes on and I had to scramble upstairs quickly to find them again. I looked and looked and looked, but I couldn't find my shoes. Downstairs, I heard my mother and everyone in my family leaving without me. I began to panic. Why would they leave without me?
Finally, after a long time, I found my shoes... but I was going home by myself.
I ended up at my cousin's house. I was going down the street when I see two people. One is on a bike. he yells "I can't believe you have the nerve to come back here!"
"Why wouldn't I come back here?" I yelled back. I was under the impression that I was staying over at her house during my visit in town. Where else would I be able to stay?
I felt as if I knew this boy before. I knew he was gay and that he and I were kind to each other before.
"Why?" I asked. "Why are you being mean to me? I was kind to you, wasn't I?"
"Yes," he said. "But you said all these strange things that I didn't like." He quoted some things I now remember saying when I was defending a transgendered male. But at the time, what he said made no sense to me. I didn't remember saying any of that.
"I was only joking!!" I said, thinking that maybe he had confused me with someone else.
"Well you need to learn to joke better," he said.
I pulled on his shirt. "Please. I said. "Will someone just listen to me?"
He tried to pull me off of him, but my grip was too tight. "Get off me!" he said. "You're a freak!"
I tried to yell louder. "Please! Please!" I said. "You don't have to do anything! I just need someone to listen to me! Just listen! Please! Please!" I said. My eyes began to tear up.
"Please!" I kept screaming. "Just listen to me!"
I tried to scream out "Please!" One more time, but instead, nothing came out. I tried again. Still nothing. I let go of the boy's shirt and grabbed my throat. I rubbed and tried screaming out "Please!"... still nothing. "Oh no!" I tried saying. still nothing.
I had lost my voice. I tapped on the other, younger boy. He turned around and looked at me. I tried to show him I had lost my voice. When he realized this, he began to laugh. Another boy next to him began to laugh along. The gay boy was laughing, too. They were all laughing, laughing, laughing...
Why is everyone laughing at me?
Why is no one helping me?
Why isn't anyone willing to listen to me?
No one care about me!
Someone listen, Please!
That's when I woke up. And I cried. I was sore all over.
I tried to remember everything that happened in my dream. Why would no one listen to me? Why did everyone hate me? Even a gay boy who I was kind to was intolerant of me.
I wondered for awhile about people who get bullied in real life. Is this how they feel? Is this how people who want to kill themselves feel like? If my dream were real, I knew that if I had killed myself or had even died horribly, the people in my dream would find out and laugh at how funny it was or rejoice that I was dead. Is that how people who want to kill themselves feel would happen if they were do it?
The worse part... was that I realized that even if it was just a dream, it wasn't completely out of reality.
I know what it feels like to be laughed at by everyone and bullied. A lot of people are afraid of being laughed at -- it's embarrassing. But it's not embarrassing for me -- it's mortifying. I felt so alone in that dream. I was so scared and desperate. I wanted anyone, anyone, to listen to me. Just ONE person... who was willing to. There was no one.