Happy New Year!
I've been away from LJ for a long time... My Christmas was nice. We had a very calm Christmas Eve (one of my sisters, our grandmother and mother; we were drinking wine and eating garlic bread and cheese...), and then on Christmas Day, we were 18 people in the house! I'm not posting any pictures, it was more or less the same as last year...
My brother explained to me that what's in my computer (this is mom's new laptop) is not virus but malware and that's something else - apparently not as bad, but how should I know... All I know is that I've not been able to use it for weeks, but he'll fix it one of these days.
And now, let me tell you something: I think that I am actually, seriously, getting over Claire - for real! I've never had this feeling before. I have been saying "I should stop thinking about her", "I know that I need to get over her", etc, but knowing that one should this or that is not helpful at all. Of course I've always known that this hasn't been good for me, but not one word of reason has ever been able to get through to my irrational heart. No matter what I've been saying; all this time, I've been wanting, deep inside of me, to go back there (although it's impossible) and start all over again. I have been writing to my writer friends about my irrational "but I miss her!!!" feelings (a couple of weeks ago, I was driving myself crazy by thinking: Should I send her a X-mas card or not?!... and I did), and last night... Well, I don't know, I didn't say anything new - I was just repeating myself like I've been doing here - and suddenly I thought: But what's the point?!... Yes, Claire meant everything to me when I was in her choir and it was wonderful sometimes (I'm not regretting one minute of it!) but I don't want to go on thinking that I'll be missing her forever, that I'll never be happy unless I can be the very smallest part of her world again... I don't want to feel that I could give anything (not that there's anything I could give to anyone; this kind of statement is almost always empty) just to be able to see her once a week like before and never anything more than that.
I understand if nobody believes me. I've maybe been crying wolf too many times, saying that I really want to get over her now... But this time I really mean it. And I don't think of it as a decision. No... it's something more subtle, a change within me that I can't explain, but I feel it.
OK, I can't promise that I'll never think about her again (I could never forget her, and I'll most certainly never forget our songs!) or that I'll never wake up from a dream about her... but I really do think that I'm ready to let go...
Thank you all for your patience... I hope you've had a wonderful Christmas time, and Happy New Year to all!