Where am I!?!
I don't get it. I can't sleep again. Not that it's incredibly late or anything. I always go to sleep around 2ish, but I'm tired and can't sleep every night. It's disconcerting.
I'm afraid to go to sleep. Not because I'm afraid of sleeping. Not because I may have nightmares. I don't fear someone coming in on me in my sleep. I fear waking up. I fear living another day. Every night I say 'I love you' for the last time... and every morning I curse myself for surviving the night. I wake up every morning, and I refuse to get up. I lay in bed for hours. Awake. Always entirely alert. Afraid of what lies beyond the covers.
My fear isn't restricted to bed either. I have to convince myself that it's safe to go outside every day. I stand behind the door in my apartment. I wonder. What if there is someone out there.... anyone. I'll look at their face. What will I see? Not a fucking thing. Apathy perhaps. Nobody cares... yet.. somehow, everyone is thinking about me. Why am I so damn important? So meaningless to them. I'm not on their mind at all. I'm afraid to face anyone. It's not that I'm avoiding any one person. I'm avoiding all people. I'm avoiding living.
I curse god.... but at the same time I ask his help. I think I want to believe in a higher power now, simply because it gives me something to hold onto. I'm not on my own if I have a phantom being watching my back. How can I help myself though? Even if I choose to believe, it's still up to me. Life is what you make it. If you try to be happy, you will be. That's true. But, if you are depressed, it's near impossible to try to be happy. Fucking christ.... I'm rambling.
I hate what I am. I don't know why I have to be the one that goes through this. I don't know why I am who I am. I don't know why I have to be me. Everyone says it: be yourself. I hate myself. Why do I have to be me? I'm weak. A sniveling coward. A fucking lesbian.
And my mood changes.... a lesbian. That's a good memory. And yeah, if you met me, you would understand that a guy CAN be a lesbian. Anyway....
I'm confused. I'm alone. I've fallen. I'm broken. I have noone to help put me back together again.
I think the damn egg had it good
I'm afraid to go to sleep. Not because I'm afraid of sleeping. Not because I may have nightmares. I don't fear someone coming in on me in my sleep. I fear waking up. I fear living another day. Every night I say 'I love you' for the last time... and every morning I curse myself for surviving the night. I wake up every morning, and I refuse to get up. I lay in bed for hours. Awake. Always entirely alert. Afraid of what lies beyond the covers.
My fear isn't restricted to bed either. I have to convince myself that it's safe to go outside every day. I stand behind the door in my apartment. I wonder. What if there is someone out there.... anyone. I'll look at their face. What will I see? Not a fucking thing. Apathy perhaps. Nobody cares... yet.. somehow, everyone is thinking about me. Why am I so damn important? So meaningless to them. I'm not on their mind at all. I'm afraid to face anyone. It's not that I'm avoiding any one person. I'm avoiding all people. I'm avoiding living.
I curse god.... but at the same time I ask his help. I think I want to believe in a higher power now, simply because it gives me something to hold onto. I'm not on my own if I have a phantom being watching my back. How can I help myself though? Even if I choose to believe, it's still up to me. Life is what you make it. If you try to be happy, you will be. That's true. But, if you are depressed, it's near impossible to try to be happy. Fucking christ.... I'm rambling.
I hate what I am. I don't know why I have to be the one that goes through this. I don't know why I am who I am. I don't know why I have to be me. Everyone says it: be yourself. I hate myself. Why do I have to be me? I'm weak. A sniveling coward. A fucking lesbian.
And my mood changes.... a lesbian. That's a good memory. And yeah, if you met me, you would understand that a guy CAN be a lesbian. Anyway....
I'm confused. I'm alone. I've fallen. I'm broken. I have noone to help put me back together again.
I think the damn egg had it good