Hi, I'm your editor this week. You requested moderate with grammar, so, here goes!
I can definitely relate to the emotions of this piece, even though I am not yet familiar with the world you've created. Once past the first section, the plot went smoothly and held my interest. The characters and the world were both engaging.
Some parts I liked: "The dress was a brazen red, a color I would never have chosen for myself, the petticoats were oranges and yellows. It was tacky but it gave me the illusion that I was on fire. Not the most pleasant of thoughts. My long hair was in a complicated braid with red, orange, and yellow ribbons woven through it. Gold held my throat and ears captive in the form of jewelry. I stared at myself in the mirror and thought I looked like a fool. " - I like how the image is used to reveal her thoughts - and what an elaborate dress! " We pulled back from the kiss and pressed our foreheads together, our eyes gazing deep into the others. I stared at the silver of his eyes and wondered what could give him such a fetching color. He brushed his nose against mine and I smiled as I stroked his hair on his temple." - Nose touching! So adorable!
Some grammar: "Smile Lady, you are going to meet..." -comma after smile "You don't say, I was born..." - dash instead of comma after say " “What is going on here!” I cried and the Prince whipped his head around before looking back in confusion." - Start a new sentence after cried "I heard the scrap of claws on wood.." - "scrap" should be the verb "scrape"
A few things didn't make much sense. One was the King's comment about meeting perverse people. It makes sense that someone might say that to Ash, but it seemed strange that the King would say such a thing. Another was how Ash and Lord Riordan were talking about their age like it was a turn-on. I'm guessing that I'm missing things that would become evident from reading other stories in the same setting or in later edits of this piece.
I'm not sure what you're getting at in your note about not going into Ash's back story. Did you mean that you tried not to go into it this time, or that you're working on another Ash story that won't go into her background? Either way, having a huge lump of back story at the beginning took away from the piece for me. I had trouble getting into the story until after the first "~*~*~*~". Generally, stories that start with a specific event rather than broad narration pull the reader in best. I think this story could best be improved by cutting out that backstory section and incorporating any important information from it into the rest of the story. That said, the reader will probably be able to infer a lot of information, so you might not actually have to include that much (especially if this is to be part of a series, in which case the other parts will enlighten the whole). In a lot of places, you did incorporate information about the workings of the court and the general setting, but it seemed that this was at the expense of much-needed details and imagery. Try incorporating information about your world into images, and/or show what the main characters think/feel about their world. That way, the reader will feel more immersed in the world you've created.
Thanks for sharing! Let me know if you have questions.
I can definitely relate to the emotions of this piece, even though I am not yet familiar with the world you've created. Once past the first section, the plot went smoothly and held my interest. The characters and the world were both engaging.
Some parts I liked:
"The dress was a brazen red, a color I would never have chosen for myself, the petticoats were oranges and yellows. It was tacky but it gave me the illusion that I was on fire. Not the most pleasant of thoughts. My long hair was in a complicated braid with red, orange, and yellow ribbons woven through it. Gold held my throat and ears captive in the form of jewelry. I stared at myself in the mirror and thought I looked like a fool. " - I like how the image is used to reveal her thoughts - and what an elaborate dress!
" We pulled back from the kiss and pressed our foreheads together, our eyes gazing deep into the others. I stared at the silver of his eyes and wondered what could give him such a fetching color. He brushed his nose against mine and I smiled as I stroked his hair on his temple." - Nose touching! So adorable!
Some grammar:
"Smile Lady, you are going to meet..." -comma after smile
"You don't say, I was born..." - dash instead of comma after say
" “What is going on here!” I cried and the Prince whipped his head around before looking back in confusion." - Start a new sentence after cried
"I heard the scrap of claws on wood.." - "scrap" should be the verb "scrape"
A few things didn't make much sense. One was the King's comment about meeting perverse people. It makes sense that someone might say that to Ash, but it seemed strange that the King would say such a thing. Another was how Ash and Lord Riordan were talking about their age like it was a turn-on. I'm guessing that I'm missing things that would become evident from reading other stories in the same setting or in later edits of this piece.
I'm not sure what you're getting at in your note about not going into Ash's back story. Did you mean that you tried not to go into it this time, or that you're working on another Ash story that won't go into her background? Either way, having a huge lump of back story at the beginning took away from the piece for me. I had trouble getting into the story until after the first "~*~*~*~". Generally, stories that start with a specific event rather than broad narration pull the reader in best. I think this story could best be improved by cutting out that backstory section and incorporating any important information from it into the rest of the story. That said, the reader will probably be able to infer a lot of information, so you might not actually have to include that much (especially if this is to be part of a series, in which case the other parts will enlighten the whole). In a lot of places, you did incorporate information about the workings of the court and the general setting, but it seemed that this was at the expense of much-needed details and imagery. Try incorporating information about your world into images, and/or show what the main characters think/feel about their world. That way, the reader will feel more immersed in the world you've created.
Thanks for sharing! Let me know if you have questions.
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