Your BF edit! pt. 3 *WHEW*keppiehedAugust 23 2010, 19:15:34 UTC
-"I'm not scared of you," Katie said while the rain began to pound the roof[,] and the eyes blinked.
-There was more bumping around[,] and Katie was surprised that her mother wasn't rushing in to yell at her.
-Then the light under her bedroom door vanished as well as the sounds of the TV. You should probably write out the word television here, just to make it more formal for writing.
-The thing moved out of the closet[,] and Katie couldn't make out its body well in the darkness.
- The fuse box seemed to be fine[,] and Deborah punched the wall, injuring her hand and making herself drop her beer.
-She found one[,] and just as she cracked it open something behind the television made a sound.
-Deborah looked up[,] and slowly a pair of bright green eyes moved up into view. For a moment she just stood there[,] and then she rubbed her eyes.
- The storm picked up[,] and the flash of lightning illuminated the room.
-Pieces of the body were splattered against the walls[,]and forensics wasn't exactly sure how some of the blood and pieces had gotten where they had. The worst part in Myers['] mind wasn't the little girl huddled in the next room, but was the way the carpet was soaked with blood [and] littered with viscera[.] F]rom that scene[,] the murderer had dragged the body to the front hall closet.
-The closet was one with the two folding doors with slates. slats- spelling
-"Sir, we have ah...something that shouldn't be shared with the media," one of the techs said from the closet as another rushed out to the stairwell[,] gagging.
-"You mean the killer ate her?" he asked[,] and the tech nodded.
- "Do we have everything?" Katie's father asked[,] and Katie looked at the two large suitcases from her closet filled with her clothes.
-One of the officers stopped her father at the door[,] and Katie's eyes moved to the now closed closet.
-"Please call us if you or your daughter think of anyone who would have wanted to do this," a man said[,] and the policewoman turned to talk to a man in a funny yellow outfit.
-There was a light bump of something against the closet doors[,] causing one of the door to open just a crack. One green eye looked at Katie[,] almost questioning.
-"Nothing will dare harm my daughter," he growled[,] and Katie suspected her father might have tears in his eyes.
Some notes: the beginning section could be trimmed entirely. Besides having PoV issues, it doesn't serve to move the story forward in a way that we can't glean on our own from later details given us. You really shine with the dialogue, which is snappy and adds realism. The violence is vivid, and you have a facile touch that shows that you are at home with that level of description. You waver between a child's perspective and an adult's, and I would urge you to choose one for the best effect. Most of the punctuation mistakes were caused by the independent clauses needing a comma, as well s the ones I reviewed above, but otherwise you had a solid story. It definitely gave me chills. You know how to set a scene, which is a strength of yours, and I urge you to build on that in the future.
Thanks so much for allowing me to edit this. It was a pleasure to read, and I hope I could be of some assistance!
-There was more bumping around[,] and Katie was surprised that her mother wasn't rushing in to yell at her.
-Then the light under her bedroom door vanished as well as the sounds of the TV. You should probably write out the word television here, just to make it more formal for writing.
-The thing moved out of the closet[,] and Katie couldn't make out its body well in the darkness.
- The fuse box seemed to be fine[,] and Deborah punched the wall, injuring her hand and making herself drop her beer.
-She found one[,] and just as she cracked it open something behind the television made a sound.
-Deborah looked up[,] and slowly a pair of bright green eyes moved up into view. For a moment she just stood there[,] and then she rubbed her eyes.
- The storm picked up[,] and the flash of lightning illuminated the room.
-Pieces of the body were splattered against the walls[,]and forensics wasn't exactly sure how some of the blood and pieces had gotten where they had. The worst part in Myers['] mind wasn't the little girl huddled in the next room, but was the way the carpet was soaked with blood [and] littered with viscera[.] F]rom that scene[,] the murderer had dragged the body to the front hall closet.
-The closet was one with the two folding doors with slates. slats- spelling
-"Sir, we have ah...something that shouldn't be shared with the media," one of the techs said from the closet as another rushed out to the stairwell[,] gagging.
-"You mean the killer ate her?" he asked[,] and the tech nodded.
- "Do we have everything?" Katie's father asked[,] and Katie looked at the two large suitcases from her closet filled with her clothes.
-One of the officers stopped her father at the door[,] and Katie's eyes moved to the now closed closet.
-"Please call us if you or your daughter think of anyone who would have wanted to do this," a man said[,] and the policewoman turned to talk to a man in a funny yellow outfit.
-There was a light bump of something against the closet doors[,] causing one of the door to open just a crack. One green eye looked at Katie[,] almost questioning.
-"Nothing will dare harm my daughter," he growled[,] and Katie suspected her father might have tears in his eyes.
Some notes: the beginning section could be trimmed entirely. Besides having PoV issues, it doesn't serve to move the story forward in a way that we can't glean on our own from later details given us. You really shine with the dialogue, which is snappy and adds realism. The violence is vivid, and you have a facile touch that shows that you are at home with that level of description. You waver between a child's perspective and an adult's, and I would urge you to choose one for the best effect. Most of the punctuation mistakes were caused by the independent clauses needing a comma, as well s the ones I reviewed above, but otherwise you had a solid story. It definitely gave me chills. You know how to set a scene, which is a strength of yours, and I urge you to build on that in the future.
Thanks so much for allowing me to edit this. It was a pleasure to read, and I hope I could be of some assistance!
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