Free Range

Jun 06, 2009 17:05

Free Range )

zombie, original story

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Edits! kenderlord June 11 2009, 17:32:50 UTC
Hey, hey! *doffs cap* David here, for your part-one Edits for this week ( ... )

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Re: Edits! kenderlord June 11 2009, 17:49:11 UTC
Now for some excerpted grammar things:

The Wander Inn Dude Ranch had faired well after the End of Days and if you didn’t believe it spoken all you would have to do is walked along the property and see the herd kept well fed within the fences.

This may be part of your deceptive tone, but I feel that using the second person here is a lot more inviting and folksy than you may have initially intended for it to be. When we make the tonal switch to "ZOMBIES!" it doesn't strike me as ironic or cute, it's just kinda weird. Additionally, the intransitive verb you seek is 'fare'; the ranch had 'fared' well.

There was one sentence in particular that rubbed me the wrong way:

Four bullets, she had only ever seen twelve of the creatures so the clip of fifteen should cover her, as long as she didn’t miss.

I really don't know what this sentence is trying to say! I mean, I do, but I tried to diagram it and it's really kind of fragmentary. The way it works now is that it reads "Four bullets, as long as she didn't miss," which doesn't make that ( ... )

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Re: Edits! pipisafoat June 13 2009, 00:22:53 UTC
Mind you, that's not terribly good logic on Nichole's part; there certainly could be other zombies she hadn't seen. But that's not my department.
*laughs* I agree completely. (Skimmed your edit before starting on my own.)

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Re: Edits! kenderlord June 13 2009, 00:28:13 UTC
Rock. I hope mine was useful in helping you formulate your edit!

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Re: Edits! selkie_queen June 16 2009, 02:00:37 UTC
Thanks, part of me wanted you to confuse Nichole and the zombies, make it seem like two different groups. I kind of hoped that the reader would get it, but I'll work with the changes you gave me.

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Re: Edits! kenderlord June 16 2009, 02:25:17 UTC
Thank you!

I think most of my confusion stemmed from the fact that you used the word 'cattle' in there somewhere, to vary the herd description. So I assumed that they were, y'know, actual cows.

But yes! Do whatever you feel is necessary.

-D

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