Stuff on my mind
I was struggling to find a place to put these things.
I'm not complaining, only feeling the desire to write about stuff in a format I am comfortable with (ie. online).
Hence
I've started a Money Management course part-time, one evening a week for two hours.
I still have no money, but I'm working on it by slowly increasing my hours at home.
I've been neglecting my second job due to lack of funds to even get there (no petrol or money for a bus).
I owe the mechanic $112 for giving my car a repair on the exhaust and a warrant of fitness.
I only have use of my car because my dad forked out $150 he didn't really have spare to pay for my vehicle re-licence.
We're eating food my mum donated to us.
Until we get the government benefit tomorrow I don't know if we'll have food money. Gotta feed the cats first.
When I do have petrol, I'll go to my parents' to pick up my mum's van so we can give our rats to a friend to look after.
We can't even buy more litter for the rats to change them before giving them to someone else because we can't deal with the problem.
One of my rats (my most darling baby, Hannah) needs to go to the vet to have a tumour looked at and maybe removed.
We don't even have the funds to take our boy rat, Roy, to the vet to be put to sleep. He's so tired of life and it's obvious.
Even though I can't keep up with the two jobs I have, I've put myself out there for possible managerial duties at the job I am doing okay at.
But my 3 week depression lapse means that I've cost that business quite a bit in late fees with the government...
I also asked if I could use their name to do personal advertising for housesitting work, no input required from them and the owner is fine with that.
So I'm definitely feeling somewhat win and pure fail all at the same time.
I'm doing free counselling on Fridays and working on learning how to breathe properly and techniques for relaxing.
I'm talking about the effects of the earthquakes on my psyche for the first time since they happened over two years ago.
I'm surprised how much crap has happened in my life in the last three years and I'm starting to think maybe I'm stronger than I give myself credit for.
So in the immediate future, I need to do more work for the at-home job and make sure I process the payroll today.
Then tomorrow, when the pay comes in, I can budget what we have to spend on petrol, rat food, and cat food.
Then make sure the money is in the right accounts for the immediate bills.
Then I can check if there's money left over for food for us, monthly renewals on our mobile phones.
And make sure I at least show up to my other, neglected job.
Because I really need to catch up on the mess that's there before I even consider handing it over to someone else.
Hopefully I'll be able to change my situation in the next couple of weeks so I can celebrate my 30th birthday.
At least I can use the free meal I got for applying for work at a restaurant, even though I got turned down (probably a good thing).
Oh yeah, and maybe there might be $30 left over to fill up the gas bottle so we're not always using the little electric heater which is inflating our electricity bill.
So much for savings! It's embarrassing telling people that I can't even spare $1.00 for a cause or something cheap.
And I feel like I'm trying hard and getting nowhere, I dunno. I guess I'm just not trying hard enough.
So, that was supposed to be a relief to get out but it's turned out kind of depressive. It really doesn't reflect my attitude to life, I promise.
In fact, I had a vivid dream the other night (probably the gluten I ate) about having a lot of fun doing something I wasn't supposed to when I was supposed to be doing something else, and when I got back from that my doctor was questioning if I valued my life so little, and in my dream I got highly outraged she would even suggest such a thing. "Just because I'm depressed doesn't automatically mean I want to end my life!" And that's true, I get annoyed when I talk about depressive things and people take it as an indication that I think my life sucks. Yeah, there are things about my life that aren't so great and I wish I was in a better position sometimes, but I do take personal responsibility for where I am and I know there are plenty of worse positions to be in, like I could be homeless in Christchurch in winter, and/or have NO clothes and NO food, or I could be in a forced marriage or forced labour situation. Life can be rough a lot of the time but I still find small ways to enjoy myself, I'm still positive that I won't be in this situation forever, and I still count my blessings every day.
I'm not complaining, only feeling the desire to write about stuff in a format I am comfortable with (ie. online).
Hence
I've started a Money Management course part-time, one evening a week for two hours.
I still have no money, but I'm working on it by slowly increasing my hours at home.
I've been neglecting my second job due to lack of funds to even get there (no petrol or money for a bus).
I owe the mechanic $112 for giving my car a repair on the exhaust and a warrant of fitness.
I only have use of my car because my dad forked out $150 he didn't really have spare to pay for my vehicle re-licence.
We're eating food my mum donated to us.
Until we get the government benefit tomorrow I don't know if we'll have food money. Gotta feed the cats first.
When I do have petrol, I'll go to my parents' to pick up my mum's van so we can give our rats to a friend to look after.
We can't even buy more litter for the rats to change them before giving them to someone else because we can't deal with the problem.
One of my rats (my most darling baby, Hannah) needs to go to the vet to have a tumour looked at and maybe removed.
We don't even have the funds to take our boy rat, Roy, to the vet to be put to sleep. He's so tired of life and it's obvious.
Even though I can't keep up with the two jobs I have, I've put myself out there for possible managerial duties at the job I am doing okay at.
But my 3 week depression lapse means that I've cost that business quite a bit in late fees with the government...
I also asked if I could use their name to do personal advertising for housesitting work, no input required from them and the owner is fine with that.
So I'm definitely feeling somewhat win and pure fail all at the same time.
I'm doing free counselling on Fridays and working on learning how to breathe properly and techniques for relaxing.
I'm talking about the effects of the earthquakes on my psyche for the first time since they happened over two years ago.
I'm surprised how much crap has happened in my life in the last three years and I'm starting to think maybe I'm stronger than I give myself credit for.
So in the immediate future, I need to do more work for the at-home job and make sure I process the payroll today.
Then tomorrow, when the pay comes in, I can budget what we have to spend on petrol, rat food, and cat food.
Then make sure the money is in the right accounts for the immediate bills.
Then I can check if there's money left over for food for us, monthly renewals on our mobile phones.
And make sure I at least show up to my other, neglected job.
Because I really need to catch up on the mess that's there before I even consider handing it over to someone else.
Hopefully I'll be able to change my situation in the next couple of weeks so I can celebrate my 30th birthday.
At least I can use the free meal I got for applying for work at a restaurant, even though I got turned down (probably a good thing).
Oh yeah, and maybe there might be $30 left over to fill up the gas bottle so we're not always using the little electric heater which is inflating our electricity bill.
So much for savings! It's embarrassing telling people that I can't even spare $1.00 for a cause or something cheap.
And I feel like I'm trying hard and getting nowhere, I dunno. I guess I'm just not trying hard enough.
So, that was supposed to be a relief to get out but it's turned out kind of depressive. It really doesn't reflect my attitude to life, I promise.
In fact, I had a vivid dream the other night (probably the gluten I ate) about having a lot of fun doing something I wasn't supposed to when I was supposed to be doing something else, and when I got back from that my doctor was questioning if I valued my life so little, and in my dream I got highly outraged she would even suggest such a thing. "Just because I'm depressed doesn't automatically mean I want to end my life!" And that's true, I get annoyed when I talk about depressive things and people take it as an indication that I think my life sucks. Yeah, there are things about my life that aren't so great and I wish I was in a better position sometimes, but I do take personal responsibility for where I am and I know there are plenty of worse positions to be in, like I could be homeless in Christchurch in winter, and/or have NO clothes and NO food, or I could be in a forced marriage or forced labour situation. Life can be rough a lot of the time but I still find small ways to enjoy myself, I'm still positive that I won't be in this situation forever, and I still count my blessings every day.