what you need but not what you want....
i was able to meet someone fantastic...timeing was off....as i suggested to myself but ignored as i usually do....why do i feel the need to write this down? why do i think this will help me? okay complain complain complain: THIS SUCKS... mostly everything everyone says is correct...all may not be lost with joe...there might still lay a glimmer of hope that one day maybe we might decide that there are MUTUAL feelings toward each other. my grip is that if i am so smart and have such a great personality and i am attractive and we get a long...and i make such a great friend...what is left to not have in a relationship? what is romance? no romance in a relationship...what does that mean? no googly feelings? no desire to want to kiss someone? i think its all overrated....i cant blame him...its not like i havent been in the same situation before...i think back to floyd and when i had to tell him it was over...he was a nice guy...although kinda obnoxious...didnt really have all that much in common....hhmm....and he wasn't a rebound for me....in fact i dont think ive ever had to break it off with someone who was a rebound....oh wait i did...oh yeah i regretted it....oh yeah i tried to get back with them....i remember now. paul engle....wonderful person....the one i let get away....all because i was stupid.....i really was stupid....that gives me hope that maybe joe will realize it was a stupid mistake. and why did andy just think that we started to look better as just friends?? hes obviously never seen me with any of my other....well cant call many of the boyfriends but i will for the sake of argument, i am completely distant to most of them. not affectionate in public...very uppidy....not comfortable at all. that is why joe was so different. he brought me back to me. he made me feel so amazingly comfortable..i never had to put up an act around him. i cant even say that for jack keith or anyone!! im not bitter anymore...im not know who i am now. i know how easy it is to just be me......it sucks being what someone needs but not what they want.....for right now this instance i feel hopeless...i know it will pass...i know its not forever, i know its just a matter of time (a long time this time) before someone else will come in that i get all happy about...but honestly, what makes me think the same thing wont happen?? what is it about this pattern that im messing up? is it who i chose? is it how i act? i need to find a control so i can figure out this variable....once i find the variable that causes the demise of my relationships then maybe i can fix it. maybe i will find out that it truely really isnt me and it is them....but if you look at the diversity of guys ive dated, there really isnt much the same about them... such mindless ramblings....this has accomplished nothing......i can just look forward to tomorrow and the next day and take comfort that this pain will go away and i will feel better eventually