(no subject)
I haven't written in sometime so I guess I should give everybody an update on the life of Janea. The chain of events resembles that of a crazy rollercoaster, so as you read it, just try and imagine how I felt throughout the past couple of months.
August, I started getting the worst baby cravings ever. I literally wanted to have a kid that month.
September, Domo's mom died of ovarian cancer. Let me explain why this hurt... When I got kicked out of my house, and lived with Blanca, Vicky was very much like a third mother to me. She brought me into her house, and took care of me like if I was her own child. She took me to church, and called me whenever she needed somebody to take care of Domo. She even yelled at me sometimes, and I never even took it to the heart. I accepted it because she was so much a part of my upbringing, even if it was for a short while.
A week after she passed away, her funeral was held, at the party afterwards, me and Blanca finally spoke to each other ( civilly ) after about 3 years. We caught up on our lives, vaguely, and reminisced a lot about the past, and how close we were to each other. I can't say she's changed much, except that her tits are huge, and she's still beautiful as ever in my eyes.
Day after the funeral, me and Greg got busy.
October 1st, I cried and took the morning after pill. And I cried only because I didn't want to.
Middle of October, despite the extra precautions, we found out I was pregnant after taking 6 different pregnancy tests and having them all come out positive. I was so excited, and scared, and nervous, anxious, happy, in love..
Week after I found out, I started bleeding a lot. I got really worried when it started to be more than spotting.
Day 9 of bleeding excessively, I was at the doctors office where I was told I more than likely had a miscarriage and that's why I was bleeding so much for so long. I was about 4 to 5 weeks along.
Now, I'm just mourning. Just really upset. I can't help but look at all the ungrateful, undeserving women in the world, aborting babies, not taking care of themselves and infecting their babies with STDs, or having them come out of the womb addicted to heroin. I keep seeing little families everywhere, with their happy little babies, in their happy little world. Women with a different sense of purpose in their lives.
I can't even describe the beautiful feeling I had when I finally came to realize that I was pregnant. All the petty and stupid things I've been holding onto all my life, were finally let go. All the grudges, and vengeful thoughts against others, just washed away. My pathetic need to be loved and wanted by my blood was finally gone because now I had my own little family to think of. Personality disorder? No more! How could I raise a healthy baby if I had unhealthy thoughts? It really helped me to see everything in a different light, and I was thrilled that I now had a sense of belonging. I had a reason to live. Imagine that.. Janea had a reason to live. All my self destructiveness, and suicidelness had to disappear because I no longer wanted to die. I wanted to live, and be a mother. To nurture somebody, and love them unconditionally, and give them all the things I never had in life. And I don't mean material things, I mean love, emotionally and total support, faith and praise, all the things that make a person grow up confident and healthy. I wanted to be a baseball mom, or a ballerina mom. Help my little baby pursue all the goals and dreams they have, so that they can grow and be somebody great and happy.
I wanted to protect somebody the way I never was, and be able to make a difference in somebodys life.
I thought 'Yes! God is finally cutting me some slack! Finally shining a little light on my dark little life!'
But as always, God decided that I didn't deserve it. It's okay for the crack headed hooker to get pregnant and have a baby, but not okay for newly optimistic Janea.
I'd like to say again, to the All Mighty Holy One, thanks for making me realize how pathetically stupid I was for assuming something great could happen. Thanks for letting me know that having faith in you, still doesn't mean shit. Everybody says "God has a plan for us, everything happens for a reason". Well God, if my plan is to die before my next birthday, could you possibly speed up the fucking process? Cause I'm getting bored with this shit game you've created for me.
Thanks in advance, fuck hole.
August, I started getting the worst baby cravings ever. I literally wanted to have a kid that month.
September, Domo's mom died of ovarian cancer. Let me explain why this hurt... When I got kicked out of my house, and lived with Blanca, Vicky was very much like a third mother to me. She brought me into her house, and took care of me like if I was her own child. She took me to church, and called me whenever she needed somebody to take care of Domo. She even yelled at me sometimes, and I never even took it to the heart. I accepted it because she was so much a part of my upbringing, even if it was for a short while.
A week after she passed away, her funeral was held, at the party afterwards, me and Blanca finally spoke to each other ( civilly ) after about 3 years. We caught up on our lives, vaguely, and reminisced a lot about the past, and how close we were to each other. I can't say she's changed much, except that her tits are huge, and she's still beautiful as ever in my eyes.
Day after the funeral, me and Greg got busy.
October 1st, I cried and took the morning after pill. And I cried only because I didn't want to.
Middle of October, despite the extra precautions, we found out I was pregnant after taking 6 different pregnancy tests and having them all come out positive. I was so excited, and scared, and nervous, anxious, happy, in love..
Week after I found out, I started bleeding a lot. I got really worried when it started to be more than spotting.
Day 9 of bleeding excessively, I was at the doctors office where I was told I more than likely had a miscarriage and that's why I was bleeding so much for so long. I was about 4 to 5 weeks along.
Now, I'm just mourning. Just really upset. I can't help but look at all the ungrateful, undeserving women in the world, aborting babies, not taking care of themselves and infecting their babies with STDs, or having them come out of the womb addicted to heroin. I keep seeing little families everywhere, with their happy little babies, in their happy little world. Women with a different sense of purpose in their lives.
I can't even describe the beautiful feeling I had when I finally came to realize that I was pregnant. All the petty and stupid things I've been holding onto all my life, were finally let go. All the grudges, and vengeful thoughts against others, just washed away. My pathetic need to be loved and wanted by my blood was finally gone because now I had my own little family to think of. Personality disorder? No more! How could I raise a healthy baby if I had unhealthy thoughts? It really helped me to see everything in a different light, and I was thrilled that I now had a sense of belonging. I had a reason to live. Imagine that.. Janea had a reason to live. All my self destructiveness, and suicidelness had to disappear because I no longer wanted to die. I wanted to live, and be a mother. To nurture somebody, and love them unconditionally, and give them all the things I never had in life. And I don't mean material things, I mean love, emotionally and total support, faith and praise, all the things that make a person grow up confident and healthy. I wanted to be a baseball mom, or a ballerina mom. Help my little baby pursue all the goals and dreams they have, so that they can grow and be somebody great and happy.
I wanted to protect somebody the way I never was, and be able to make a difference in somebodys life.
I thought 'Yes! God is finally cutting me some slack! Finally shining a little light on my dark little life!'
But as always, God decided that I didn't deserve it. It's okay for the crack headed hooker to get pregnant and have a baby, but not okay for newly optimistic Janea.
I'd like to say again, to the All Mighty Holy One, thanks for making me realize how pathetically stupid I was for assuming something great could happen. Thanks for letting me know that having faith in you, still doesn't mean shit. Everybody says "God has a plan for us, everything happens for a reason". Well God, if my plan is to die before my next birthday, could you possibly speed up the fucking process? Cause I'm getting bored with this shit game you've created for me.
Thanks in advance, fuck hole.