i kissed a boy just to start shit, bitches loved it
planning the future
me: i want like, 2.5 children and a white picket fence
ok i don't want the children, i want a penthouse and a Ferrari in the underground lot
but you know, domestic sex on the laundry machine and the kitchen counter
curling up on the couch to watch shit blow up and waking up with tangled arms and legs and morning sex, followed by breakfast delivered from the nearest place that delivers
... man i gotta study more so i can afford this shit
Jake: :D
me: i am going to you know. someday. it'll happen
Jake: I have good predictions for you, and I bet you'll get all of that and more. maybe a kid, but one you just found who has a knack for cleaning bathrooms
me: YES I WILL STEAL THAT CHILD FROM THE GROCERY STORE THAT I SAW AND LOVED THAT ONE TIME
Jake: hahahaha
...
devotion
self: do you still have your prom date?
seema: ...what?
self: you KNOW *handmotions suggestively*
seema: you mean the cardboard biker girl you stole from Movenpik?
self: SHE WAS PERFECT! WE CLEANED HER UP AND EVERYTHING!! SHE GAVE YOU ROSES!
seema: you taped my fabric roses to her mouth.
self: SEE IF I STEAL YOU ANYTHING NICE EVER AGAIN!
...
meant NOT to be
flatmate: blablabla something about picky eaters and compatibility blabla ...and you know, you and I would never date blabla...
self: *quietly hysterical laughter*
flatmate: *stops* ...what?
self: i'm sorry. i got stuck on the part about us dating. *practically falling on floor with laughter*
flatmate: *joins in*
...
sleeping alone
self: you both snore
friends between whom i woke up the previous morning: WHAT? HOW? WHAT DOES IT SOUND LIKE? *attempts possible snoring noises*
self: no it was more like *imitates* kind of like a snuffling pig or cow or something.
friends: THAT'S SO COOL! WHAT DID YOU DO??
self: ... left for my own bed.
...
authority on various topics of interest
student: ma'am, do we really need to know all this mean, median, mode, conversion and distribution stuff?
self: you mean do you need to know how many cents are in a dollar, what that means in Taka, how to calculate your grades and interpret your test scores and prices?
student: *quail*
self: because no, you don't NEED to. you can still go back home and wash dishes for a living.
coworkers: *waits until student leaves* *starts giggling*
self: a bit melodramatic, eh? i'm in a good mood. i had to give an impromptu lecture on male genitalia instead of the one i prepared on the female reproductive system.
coworkers: OH OH TELL US ABOUT YOUR SEX CLASS!
self: ...Consciousness Raising! it just happens to include sex education.
Ensue hour long discussion on Stuff Which I Taught
catholic coworker: thanks so much, i'm kind of sheltered, you know? like, the fact that a lot of men look at porn--that, i didn't even--
self: oh, honey, your boyfriend?
other coworker: it's like, men are like dogs yeah? they are just--
self: *attempting to put this across without making anyone uncomfortable with own porn habits* the thing is, we are all sexual beings. now, visual porn is a pretty common outlet available to and tailored for men, as are most expressions of sexuality and desire. it's unfair and sexist, and it doesn't mean you have to like it to like sex. if you had something similar available to you that didn't have so many other issues, like say checking out hot guys like we did at the bar last week--
other coworker: or like, soft-core porn, with, emotions because that's what's important to us girls you know?
self: *thinks about PWPs and fandom and barely keeps a straight face*
...yeah, i'm gonna go watch a "soft" "emotional" "film" to help me, uh, tire myself out before sleep. it's one minute long, and no, i'm not sure if there are facial expressions in it, and no, the entire one minute probably won't be required. i'm skilled like that. /obscene hand gestures
me: i want like, 2.5 children and a white picket fence
ok i don't want the children, i want a penthouse and a Ferrari in the underground lot
but you know, domestic sex on the laundry machine and the kitchen counter
curling up on the couch to watch shit blow up and waking up with tangled arms and legs and morning sex, followed by breakfast delivered from the nearest place that delivers
... man i gotta study more so i can afford this shit
Jake: :D
me: i am going to you know. someday. it'll happen
Jake: I have good predictions for you, and I bet you'll get all of that and more. maybe a kid, but one you just found who has a knack for cleaning bathrooms
me: YES I WILL STEAL THAT CHILD FROM THE GROCERY STORE THAT I SAW AND LOVED THAT ONE TIME
Jake: hahahaha
...
devotion
self: do you still have your prom date?
seema: ...what?
self: you KNOW *handmotions suggestively*
seema: you mean the cardboard biker girl you stole from Movenpik?
self: SHE WAS PERFECT! WE CLEANED HER UP AND EVERYTHING!! SHE GAVE YOU ROSES!
seema: you taped my fabric roses to her mouth.
self: SEE IF I STEAL YOU ANYTHING NICE EVER AGAIN!
...
meant NOT to be
flatmate: blablabla something about picky eaters and compatibility blabla ...and you know, you and I would never date blabla...
self: *quietly hysterical laughter*
flatmate: *stops* ...what?
self: i'm sorry. i got stuck on the part about us dating. *practically falling on floor with laughter*
flatmate: *joins in*
...
sleeping alone
self: you both snore
friends between whom i woke up the previous morning: WHAT? HOW? WHAT DOES IT SOUND LIKE? *attempts possible snoring noises*
self: no it was more like *imitates* kind of like a snuffling pig or cow or something.
friends: THAT'S SO COOL! WHAT DID YOU DO??
self: ... left for my own bed.
...
authority on various topics of interest
student: ma'am, do we really need to know all this mean, median, mode, conversion and distribution stuff?
self: you mean do you need to know how many cents are in a dollar, what that means in Taka, how to calculate your grades and interpret your test scores and prices?
student: *quail*
self: because no, you don't NEED to. you can still go back home and wash dishes for a living.
coworkers: *waits until student leaves* *starts giggling*
self: a bit melodramatic, eh? i'm in a good mood. i had to give an impromptu lecture on male genitalia instead of the one i prepared on the female reproductive system.
coworkers: OH OH TELL US ABOUT YOUR SEX CLASS!
self: ...Consciousness Raising! it just happens to include sex education.
Ensue hour long discussion on Stuff Which I Taught
catholic coworker: thanks so much, i'm kind of sheltered, you know? like, the fact that a lot of men look at porn--that, i didn't even--
self: oh, honey, your boyfriend?
other coworker: it's like, men are like dogs yeah? they are just--
self: *attempting to put this across without making anyone uncomfortable with own porn habits* the thing is, we are all sexual beings. now, visual porn is a pretty common outlet available to and tailored for men, as are most expressions of sexuality and desire. it's unfair and sexist, and it doesn't mean you have to like it to like sex. if you had something similar available to you that didn't have so many other issues, like say checking out hot guys like we did at the bar last week--
other coworker: or like, soft-core porn, with, emotions because that's what's important to us girls you know?
self: *thinks about PWPs and fandom and barely keeps a straight face*
...yeah, i'm gonna go watch a "soft" "emotional" "film" to help me, uh, tire myself out before sleep. it's one minute long, and no, i'm not sure if there are facial expressions in it, and no, the entire one minute probably won't be required. i'm skilled like that. /obscene hand gestures