with every step
so i've been in Chittagong for exactly a month. a lot of new developments have arisen in My Life: The Continuing Saga. i shall relate them in great detail since i have a) properly functioning computer parts b) a schedule settled enough that i can spend hours at a time on the intarwebs every day, and b) a crapload of unexpected shit happening on top of the excitement and bizarreness of my life in general.
but first, i shall post a few snippets from the last month and a half where i started to write, didn't have time/energy/computer/internet to follow through on the posting.
i have lots of stuff i've wanted to say but haven't had the time to sit down with the computer and get into it. i have an adapter now, so i might at some point soon. but. it's thursday night, 1 am, and i leave sunday afternoon. (i postponed the flight because it freaked me out because it was too soon. good thing i did considering everything that went down this weekend.) so here i am. i have two whole days before leaving, i'm not packed at all (i managed to move some things today but it wasn't much and i didn't manage to spend any time with family and i feel guilty and argh) and just generally this is not a useful post which is why it is all in a block of text because it is not meant to be readable not that i really think in that way but this is especially not because this is just here because i am freakingfreakingfreakingout. it hit me today when i woke up at 5pm after going to bed at noon that i wasn't packed at all, i needed to make time for family, my housemates were trying to take me out to dinner, there are people i just won't get to see, and people i'll probably never see again and have i mentioned i'm not packed and everything isn't that bad it's all coming together i have 5 promised recommendations for med school (you need 3 to 6) and i have a workable personal statement and i can study to retake the mcats at leisure and packing stuff is not that hard esp now that i have a functioning adapter for my computer so i don't feel so debilitated and i can listen to music or something while i do it and it will all be shiny but omg freaking out. this is not just some two week, one month, two month trip. this is a whole bloody year. i've never packed for something like this. i've always thought i'm very minimal and efficient but i'm only minimal because I DON'T NEED MUCH FOR THE SHORT TERM. give me food, shelter, clothes, and i'm good. computer with internet access is a bonus, but if that's unlikely, i can subsist on books and notebooks for limited periods of time. but a year?? in a year, i need to think about clothes, studying materials, PEOPLE--just. holy crap. and this would all be exciting (it is, actually, despite everything) EXCEPT FOR THE PART WHERE MY LIFE IS FUCKING CRAZY BECAUSE MY FAMILY IS FUCKING CRAZY AND HOLY CRAP I SOUND DERANGED but it's not the most radical thing to say, is it? granted my current family situation is actually unusual, but if i don't go into details, on the surface it's every other run of the mill yeah-my-family's-sort-of-hard-to-explain sort of drama, and and and my brain. it can't stop spinning around and around and around and roommate is listening to Muse which is sort of the perfect soundtrack to the crazy spinny maelstrom of anxiety that seems to have suddenly taken over. i need a plan. i need a step by step flow chart to follow so that i don't need to function in order for it to work. but first, i needed to wordvomit a bit and i guess that's what these things are for, yeah? yeah. ok.
so. tomorrow, i am meeting with friends & prof nolta for lunch, dropping by prof koch's office, mac store to get wife's computer, going to fate's after jackie and i drop off natalie at airport to get dvds & stuff, this should be over by 5, so then sorting stuff and packing and moving out. i hate writing that, because i don't want to move out but yes, that's what's going on.
must give slyvia half the money from last year's security deposit.
then saturday, finish moving, take mom to dinner (or maybe cook, we'll see how well i handle being at the house), take shadu to see 9, basically spend time with family.
sunday, wake up, get to airport by noon, fly out by 4pm. layover in Chicago, email prof fink about personal statement, email metzl about same.
so packing and all that went on until the last minute really, but it worked out. didn't manage to take brother to the movies, but we all sat around and watched Merlin before heading to the airport... um. which was an adventure when my father refused to drive me at the last minute... but, yeah. moving on.
09.27.2009
3:10pm
So I'm sitting at the Detroit Metro, waiting to board (3:25 pm, my ticket says and that's really not too bad. I'm getting the hang of this checking in at the perfect time so I get to spend the most amount of time with people and still getting into the boarding area with enough time to feel comfortable lark.) and the PA keeps taunting me with announcements about wi-fi…that I have to pay for. Not cool, America, not cool.
Am running on three hours of sleep, which were actually very refreshing, but exhaustion from several weeks of sleep deprivation and frantic moving and packing efforts, drama, etc
Dr. Nolta said "send me your blog" and I thought-well I don't have a travel blog. I mean, I have many, but I've never had a travel blog before because I haven't really traveled that much before.
7:20 pm
at O'Hare in Chicago. Switched airlines, ended up paying $137 to check in second bag. Threw up when landing-v odd. Have never thrown up when flying before. Ever. Exhausted after. Almost fell asleep instead of trying to get out of plane.
Managed to get a free trolley (left behind by some people) but otherwise, had hell of a time figuring this airport out-no labels for the airline I was on, and then the lady at the desk yelled at me for my carry-on being too heavy, and didn’t know what to do with it and was being helped every step of the way by someone else. And then she started in on "WHERE'S YOUR VISA/PROOF THAT YOU ARE ALSO A BANGLADESHI CITIZEN??" and I was all "...what? I DIDN'T HAVE TO DO THIS LAST TIME. WTF?" (it's odd how my sense of belonging for a place i spent most of my life at is constantly under question and revision but the minute my Bangali citizenship is questioned i feel like the world just shifted under my feet.)
But the woman helping her got it sorted out and so I went on to check into my gate, after a quarter pounder from McDonalds and acquiring another free trolley, on which I am now resting my feet as I wait for boarding time. Am exhausted. But about to start the long flight, so good. And have most of the preliminary things (luggage, short flights, customs) figured out so hopefully I can relax and get some sleep for the rest of the trip.
(the outlet under my seat did not work for this, the longest trip. and i was sitting next to this old lady that discouraged me from watching anything terribly exciting, but i did manage to watch "The Proposal" and it was pretty funny. i managed not to think of gender roles and cringe at things, which is a good sign.
in the meantime, growing sense of unease had been expanding until it took over completely and ruined any joy i normally take in traveling. managed to find an internet kiosk and IMed Jake. it went something like this:
me: am freaking out. this is supposed to be exciting and happy but i can't stop getting more and more preoccupied with how crazy this is and how it's crazier than i thought and it is feelings so i don't even have rational explanation and i don't know how to even do that. aaaaagh. it's not that i don't appreciate it and i know i was excited about it before so it'll come back hopefully
Jake: first: breathe
me: i kept feeling awful and just like, doomdoomforeboding
for the last 24 hours
why am i not excited
where is my wanderlust
my family is ok
there was a lot of drama right before i left (my uncles took my mom and brothers back to dad for Eid and they've been back since. and my dad is on good behavior since the court date and has actually for the first time in his life admitted he MIGHT HAVE DONE SOMETHING WRONG)
(which honestly, doesn't fix anything to me, but to my uncles it was an indication of hope blabla anyway they're getting along ok for the moment)
Jake: ^progress, though.
me: (and everyone's on alert now so if anything does happen, mom will be able to leave much faster|)
Jake: though perhaps too little too late
me: (and have places to go)
Jake: ^more progress
me: yeah so family is settled
i think my mom is actually PROUD of me
and even though she doesn't get it, she likes me to be able to do all the things she can't
but my dad is freaking out and he refused to drive me to the airport...
Jake: it's just a new VERY new experience
me: but i LIKE those
Jake: and no one's even in the hemisphere to hold your hand
for the first time
me: i've always loved traveling and i love doing it alone\
this is so cool
WHY CAN'T I FOCUS ON HOW IT'S COOL
i don't think i need handholding
Jake: but safety nets perhaps
me: i guess ok i figured it out
it's commitment
i'm bad at it
it's a long term commitment and i can't back out of it
and i've never done that
ever ever ever
Jake: I always freak out when these things start
me: i can't just leave if i want to
Jake: but that goes away within 24 hours of getting there
me: that sort of thing always makes me feel trapped
and trapped = freaking out shrii
ok so if i think of all the ways that this is a CHOICE
and not a cage
and how i'll earn money and i HAVE enough money that i can just leave\
it's ok
huh
12:04 PM ok that actually helps hahhaa
i just have commitment issues
like hardcore
then as i was leaving Abu Dhabi, they took away my sparkly purple glitter handled scissors, (haha, oh U.S. customs...) and i sat next to this Bangali guy coming from Ireland who was not an asshole per se but managed to hit on me anyway and i did not appreciate it. esp not after he commented on my improper lifestyle choices--coming to live in Bangladesh alone for a year. either way, successfully talked the bd domestic flight people to let me on a flight for which i had no paperwork because i'm used to the internet knowing everything which they apparently did not have, and then choto fupa (dad's youngest sister's husband) found me right as i was getting on the plane, and for the first time i felt... a little bit at peace. welcomed. the view from the sky of Dhaka to Chittagong was stunning. helped my sense of belonging and loyalty preside over nerves. this is my country, after all. then i got to campus safely and managed to be moderately (exhaustedly) charming and it all got better from there.)
i've been settling in with mundane things (moving into a new flat for the third time in a year), getting used to the weather, the mosquitos, the--well, everything. i'm teaching two English grammar classes and two Listening and Presentation classes, and i've never taught before in my life so that was a challenge. i also arrived right around the time for midterms so i had to design them after about 2-3 weeks of work experience, which--yeah. in my first week of work, i redesigned the whole syllabus and design for two classes which were way behind because of their old teacher (who has been fired), had two informal observations from the boss, one of which involved a visiting VIP donor recording me (she said i had a lovely voice at the end, which, what? how is that relevant? but yeah, good?), gave a quiz, started up three different projects, and started to timeline the midterm. i also stole a lot of office supplies.
so yeah, i'm getting the hang of it and it's not that hard (just so very time consuming, haven't yet scheduled in time to study) and the students are actually quite lovely. i think this would not be as pleasant as it is if not for the students and how dedicated they are.
i finally managed to settle into the house itself and threw a housewarming (god, what is that, the 3rd this year?) where i made an amazing amount of food and there was a building wide game of charades and bellydancing. so life is going on well. i'll have to start introducing the people (my roomate, the other new teacher, and the rest of the supporting cast for this season) and things in more detail...
some other time.
but first, i shall post a few snippets from the last month and a half where i started to write, didn't have time/energy/computer/internet to follow through on the posting.
i have lots of stuff i've wanted to say but haven't had the time to sit down with the computer and get into it. i have an adapter now, so i might at some point soon. but. it's thursday night, 1 am, and i leave sunday afternoon. (i postponed the flight because it freaked me out because it was too soon. good thing i did considering everything that went down this weekend.) so here i am. i have two whole days before leaving, i'm not packed at all (i managed to move some things today but it wasn't much and i didn't manage to spend any time with family and i feel guilty and argh) and just generally this is not a useful post which is why it is all in a block of text because it is not meant to be readable not that i really think in that way but this is especially not because this is just here because i am freakingfreakingfreakingout. it hit me today when i woke up at 5pm after going to bed at noon that i wasn't packed at all, i needed to make time for family, my housemates were trying to take me out to dinner, there are people i just won't get to see, and people i'll probably never see again and have i mentioned i'm not packed and everything isn't that bad it's all coming together i have 5 promised recommendations for med school (you need 3 to 6) and i have a workable personal statement and i can study to retake the mcats at leisure and packing stuff is not that hard esp now that i have a functioning adapter for my computer so i don't feel so debilitated and i can listen to music or something while i do it and it will all be shiny but omg freaking out. this is not just some two week, one month, two month trip. this is a whole bloody year. i've never packed for something like this. i've always thought i'm very minimal and efficient but i'm only minimal because I DON'T NEED MUCH FOR THE SHORT TERM. give me food, shelter, clothes, and i'm good. computer with internet access is a bonus, but if that's unlikely, i can subsist on books and notebooks for limited periods of time. but a year?? in a year, i need to think about clothes, studying materials, PEOPLE--just. holy crap. and this would all be exciting (it is, actually, despite everything) EXCEPT FOR THE PART WHERE MY LIFE IS FUCKING CRAZY BECAUSE MY FAMILY IS FUCKING CRAZY AND HOLY CRAP I SOUND DERANGED but it's not the most radical thing to say, is it? granted my current family situation is actually unusual, but if i don't go into details, on the surface it's every other run of the mill yeah-my-family's-sort-of-hard-to-explain sort of drama, and and and my brain. it can't stop spinning around and around and around and roommate is listening to Muse which is sort of the perfect soundtrack to the crazy spinny maelstrom of anxiety that seems to have suddenly taken over. i need a plan. i need a step by step flow chart to follow so that i don't need to function in order for it to work. but first, i needed to wordvomit a bit and i guess that's what these things are for, yeah? yeah. ok.
so. tomorrow, i am meeting with friends & prof nolta for lunch, dropping by prof koch's office, mac store to get wife's computer, going to fate's after jackie and i drop off natalie at airport to get dvds & stuff, this should be over by 5, so then sorting stuff and packing and moving out. i hate writing that, because i don't want to move out but yes, that's what's going on.
must give slyvia half the money from last year's security deposit.
then saturday, finish moving, take mom to dinner (or maybe cook, we'll see how well i handle being at the house), take shadu to see 9, basically spend time with family.
sunday, wake up, get to airport by noon, fly out by 4pm. layover in Chicago, email prof fink about personal statement, email metzl about same.
so packing and all that went on until the last minute really, but it worked out. didn't manage to take brother to the movies, but we all sat around and watched Merlin before heading to the airport... um. which was an adventure when my father refused to drive me at the last minute... but, yeah. moving on.
09.27.2009
3:10pm
So I'm sitting at the Detroit Metro, waiting to board (3:25 pm, my ticket says and that's really not too bad. I'm getting the hang of this checking in at the perfect time so I get to spend the most amount of time with people and still getting into the boarding area with enough time to feel comfortable lark.) and the PA keeps taunting me with announcements about wi-fi…that I have to pay for. Not cool, America, not cool.
Am running on three hours of sleep, which were actually very refreshing, but exhaustion from several weeks of sleep deprivation and frantic moving and packing efforts, drama, etc
Dr. Nolta said "send me your blog" and I thought-well I don't have a travel blog. I mean, I have many, but I've never had a travel blog before because I haven't really traveled that much before.
7:20 pm
at O'Hare in Chicago. Switched airlines, ended up paying $137 to check in second bag. Threw up when landing-v odd. Have never thrown up when flying before. Ever. Exhausted after. Almost fell asleep instead of trying to get out of plane.
Managed to get a free trolley (left behind by some people) but otherwise, had hell of a time figuring this airport out-no labels for the airline I was on, and then the lady at the desk yelled at me for my carry-on being too heavy, and didn’t know what to do with it and was being helped every step of the way by someone else. And then she started in on "WHERE'S YOUR VISA/PROOF THAT YOU ARE ALSO A BANGLADESHI CITIZEN??" and I was all "...what? I DIDN'T HAVE TO DO THIS LAST TIME. WTF?" (it's odd how my sense of belonging for a place i spent most of my life at is constantly under question and revision but the minute my Bangali citizenship is questioned i feel like the world just shifted under my feet.)
But the woman helping her got it sorted out and so I went on to check into my gate, after a quarter pounder from McDonalds and acquiring another free trolley, on which I am now resting my feet as I wait for boarding time. Am exhausted. But about to start the long flight, so good. And have most of the preliminary things (luggage, short flights, customs) figured out so hopefully I can relax and get some sleep for the rest of the trip.
(the outlet under my seat did not work for this, the longest trip. and i was sitting next to this old lady that discouraged me from watching anything terribly exciting, but i did manage to watch "The Proposal" and it was pretty funny. i managed not to think of gender roles and cringe at things, which is a good sign.
in the meantime, growing sense of unease had been expanding until it took over completely and ruined any joy i normally take in traveling. managed to find an internet kiosk and IMed Jake. it went something like this:
me: am freaking out. this is supposed to be exciting and happy but i can't stop getting more and more preoccupied with how crazy this is and how it's crazier than i thought and it is feelings so i don't even have rational explanation and i don't know how to even do that. aaaaagh. it's not that i don't appreciate it and i know i was excited about it before so it'll come back hopefully
Jake: first: breathe
me: i kept feeling awful and just like, doomdoomforeboding
for the last 24 hours
why am i not excited
where is my wanderlust
my family is ok
there was a lot of drama right before i left (my uncles took my mom and brothers back to dad for Eid and they've been back since. and my dad is on good behavior since the court date and has actually for the first time in his life admitted he MIGHT HAVE DONE SOMETHING WRONG)
(which honestly, doesn't fix anything to me, but to my uncles it was an indication of hope blabla anyway they're getting along ok for the moment)
Jake: ^progress, though.
me: (and everyone's on alert now so if anything does happen, mom will be able to leave much faster|)
Jake: though perhaps too little too late
me: (and have places to go)
Jake: ^more progress
me: yeah so family is settled
i think my mom is actually PROUD of me
and even though she doesn't get it, she likes me to be able to do all the things she can't
but my dad is freaking out and he refused to drive me to the airport...
Jake: it's just a new VERY new experience
me: but i LIKE those
Jake: and no one's even in the hemisphere to hold your hand
for the first time
me: i've always loved traveling and i love doing it alone\
this is so cool
WHY CAN'T I FOCUS ON HOW IT'S COOL
i don't think i need handholding
Jake: but safety nets perhaps
me: i guess ok i figured it out
it's commitment
i'm bad at it
it's a long term commitment and i can't back out of it
and i've never done that
ever ever ever
Jake: I always freak out when these things start
me: i can't just leave if i want to
Jake: but that goes away within 24 hours of getting there
me: that sort of thing always makes me feel trapped
and trapped = freaking out shrii
ok so if i think of all the ways that this is a CHOICE
and not a cage
and how i'll earn money and i HAVE enough money that i can just leave\
it's ok
huh
12:04 PM ok that actually helps hahhaa
i just have commitment issues
like hardcore
then as i was leaving Abu Dhabi, they took away my sparkly purple glitter handled scissors, (haha, oh U.S. customs...) and i sat next to this Bangali guy coming from Ireland who was not an asshole per se but managed to hit on me anyway and i did not appreciate it. esp not after he commented on my improper lifestyle choices--coming to live in Bangladesh alone for a year. either way, successfully talked the bd domestic flight people to let me on a flight for which i had no paperwork because i'm used to the internet knowing everything which they apparently did not have, and then choto fupa (dad's youngest sister's husband) found me right as i was getting on the plane, and for the first time i felt... a little bit at peace. welcomed. the view from the sky of Dhaka to Chittagong was stunning. helped my sense of belonging and loyalty preside over nerves. this is my country, after all. then i got to campus safely and managed to be moderately (exhaustedly) charming and it all got better from there.)
i've been settling in with mundane things (moving into a new flat for the third time in a year), getting used to the weather, the mosquitos, the--well, everything. i'm teaching two English grammar classes and two Listening and Presentation classes, and i've never taught before in my life so that was a challenge. i also arrived right around the time for midterms so i had to design them after about 2-3 weeks of work experience, which--yeah. in my first week of work, i redesigned the whole syllabus and design for two classes which were way behind because of their old teacher (who has been fired), had two informal observations from the boss, one of which involved a visiting VIP donor recording me (she said i had a lovely voice at the end, which, what? how is that relevant? but yeah, good?), gave a quiz, started up three different projects, and started to timeline the midterm. i also stole a lot of office supplies.
so yeah, i'm getting the hang of it and it's not that hard (just so very time consuming, haven't yet scheduled in time to study) and the students are actually quite lovely. i think this would not be as pleasant as it is if not for the students and how dedicated they are.
i finally managed to settle into the house itself and threw a housewarming (god, what is that, the 3rd this year?) where i made an amazing amount of food and there was a building wide game of charades and bellydancing. so life is going on well. i'll have to start introducing the people (my roomate, the other new teacher, and the rest of the supporting cast for this season) and things in more detail...
some other time.