this weekend
Yesterday I went to my friend Becky's recital. It was amazing! She has such an beautiful voice! It was like, spiritual, or something.
Afterwards I tagged along as a few highschool of her former highschool mates took her out for dinner. That was a big mistake. Nothing like being amidst a throng of young, beautiful, successfull people you don't know and trying to fit in. They are all in college or in a career, and are married and have children, and I'm like, yeah, I'm unemployed, in therapy, and living in my parents basement.
Becky and I were supposed to go out with another friend of ours, but she was feeling sick and went home early. After the awkward dinner, I went over to see Michelle (my brother's girlfriend) and had a chat with her and got a ride home.
My life is meaningless.
I feel so numb to the world, I just don't care. I mean, I can go one about things that upset me because I understand them from a theoretical or logical sense, but I FEEL nothing. Yet conversely, my emotions rage inside of me and it continues to build up and fester inside and I feel like it's just going to *pop* one day and I'm going to lose it.
I'm glad that I am going to see my therapist on Monday, but I really have no idea what I am going to say. I want to try and press how much of a social retard I am and how I am incapable or initiating or maintaining meaningful relationships, but I have tried before and she just doesn't understand. It's like no one believes me about how screwed up I am because I am really good at pretending to be happy and pretending at life in general.
I'm all over the place right now. Fuck. I wish I had some weed (no because it will make anything better, because it won't, but because it will make me feel, as in it connects my body and mind, if artificially. Sorry if that doesn't make any sense, you'd have to smoke pot to understand. Or I'm making excuses because I just want to get hight and no have to deal with shit. Either or.)
Afterwards I tagged along as a few highschool of her former highschool mates took her out for dinner. That was a big mistake. Nothing like being amidst a throng of young, beautiful, successfull people you don't know and trying to fit in. They are all in college or in a career, and are married and have children, and I'm like, yeah, I'm unemployed, in therapy, and living in my parents basement.
Becky and I were supposed to go out with another friend of ours, but she was feeling sick and went home early. After the awkward dinner, I went over to see Michelle (my brother's girlfriend) and had a chat with her and got a ride home.
My life is meaningless.
I feel so numb to the world, I just don't care. I mean, I can go one about things that upset me because I understand them from a theoretical or logical sense, but I FEEL nothing. Yet conversely, my emotions rage inside of me and it continues to build up and fester inside and I feel like it's just going to *pop* one day and I'm going to lose it.
I'm glad that I am going to see my therapist on Monday, but I really have no idea what I am going to say. I want to try and press how much of a social retard I am and how I am incapable or initiating or maintaining meaningful relationships, but I have tried before and she just doesn't understand. It's like no one believes me about how screwed up I am because I am really good at pretending to be happy and pretending at life in general.
I'm all over the place right now. Fuck. I wish I had some weed (no because it will make anything better, because it won't, but because it will make me feel, as in it connects my body and mind, if artificially. Sorry if that doesn't make any sense, you'd have to smoke pot to understand. Or I'm making excuses because I just want to get hight and no have to deal with shit. Either or.)