here comes the cold
Ugh, it's snowing...
I was going to make a post about how i absolutely love autumn and how it is my favourite season with all of it's colours, smells and sensations - but it's fricking snowing now and it has ruined my relatively good mood. There are so many things i hate in life, the cold being one of them.
I have not been doing much. Just sleeping, playing videogames and staring at the blank pages of my sketchbook. So... the usual pointless inane existance i guess.
My grandma, aunt and cousin are here today, to celebrate my neice's birthday (which was actually yesterday). Because i am a social retard, whenever we are in the same room together there are always these long uncomfortable silences because i have no idea what to talk about and am supremely self-conscious because these particular family members are particularily judgemental and opinioned about everything. It does not help that my parents never want me to tell people that i am depressed and want me to act "normal" all the time, which is next to impossible because i do not think i know what "act normal" even means anymore, if i ever did.
It does not help my self esteem either, but other than being angry on the inside about so many things i am numb on the outside so that is how i am coping with it. I mean, i like my family of course (because i have to?), but i can tell by the way that the room falls silent every time i enter, and how they hardly look or talk to me unless they absolutely have to, that they do not think much of me. Also, there is the whole not-taking-even-one-picture-of-me-while-taking-at-least-a-dozen-of-every-other-family-member-in-the-room thing. The only way i can get near a camera is if i am holding the damn thing and taking the pictures. I did not this time though, because i just do not see the point in trying anymore. Everyone is embarassed of me and I am embarassed of myself. It really would not effect anyone if i ever suceeded in killing myself, they would probably just be superficially sad or surprised and then talk about how "weird" i was, or make jokes about it or something. They do that behind my back now anyway - like jokingly refering to me as "uncle jodie" because they think the excessive facial hair i have (even though i shave it off) a hoot and "unladylike" - even though i no more asked to have that than my depression, social anxiety and post-traumatic stress disorder. But hey, they also think i am dumb and that i never notice their jeers and whispers when i am in the next room or have turned away for a moment.
No one in this family really cares about me. My existance is just an ugly, "lazy," fucking joke. That is the way it feels anyway. It hurts. It hurts and I do not know why i care because i should be used to it by now. I want to ignore it and not feel it, but the pain is still there on the inside; it is always there.
But whatever... I guess i am glad that i am numb because i really do not know how else i would cope with this shit. I want to cut. I wish i would just go to sleep and never wake up. I know that i am never going to go anywhere in life and i don't see the point in trying really. Just a lazy, selfish freak who wants to dissapear, that's what i am in the world, no matter how much i pretend to be okay and pretend to be happy.
But none of this matters because i am just being a broken fucking record... again.
I was going to make a post about how i absolutely love autumn and how it is my favourite season with all of it's colours, smells and sensations - but it's fricking snowing now and it has ruined my relatively good mood. There are so many things i hate in life, the cold being one of them.
I have not been doing much. Just sleeping, playing videogames and staring at the blank pages of my sketchbook. So... the usual pointless inane existance i guess.
My grandma, aunt and cousin are here today, to celebrate my neice's birthday (which was actually yesterday). Because i am a social retard, whenever we are in the same room together there are always these long uncomfortable silences because i have no idea what to talk about and am supremely self-conscious because these particular family members are particularily judgemental and opinioned about everything. It does not help that my parents never want me to tell people that i am depressed and want me to act "normal" all the time, which is next to impossible because i do not think i know what "act normal" even means anymore, if i ever did.
It does not help my self esteem either, but other than being angry on the inside about so many things i am numb on the outside so that is how i am coping with it. I mean, i like my family of course (because i have to?), but i can tell by the way that the room falls silent every time i enter, and how they hardly look or talk to me unless they absolutely have to, that they do not think much of me. Also, there is the whole not-taking-even-one-picture-of-me-while-taking-at-least-a-dozen-of-every-other-family-member-in-the-room thing. The only way i can get near a camera is if i am holding the damn thing and taking the pictures. I did not this time though, because i just do not see the point in trying anymore. Everyone is embarassed of me and I am embarassed of myself. It really would not effect anyone if i ever suceeded in killing myself, they would probably just be superficially sad or surprised and then talk about how "weird" i was, or make jokes about it or something. They do that behind my back now anyway - like jokingly refering to me as "uncle jodie" because they think the excessive facial hair i have (even though i shave it off) a hoot and "unladylike" - even though i no more asked to have that than my depression, social anxiety and post-traumatic stress disorder. But hey, they also think i am dumb and that i never notice their jeers and whispers when i am in the next room or have turned away for a moment.
No one in this family really cares about me. My existance is just an ugly, "lazy," fucking joke. That is the way it feels anyway. It hurts. It hurts and I do not know why i care because i should be used to it by now. I want to ignore it and not feel it, but the pain is still there on the inside; it is always there.
But whatever... I guess i am glad that i am numb because i really do not know how else i would cope with this shit. I want to cut. I wish i would just go to sleep and never wake up. I know that i am never going to go anywhere in life and i don't see the point in trying really. Just a lazy, selfish freak who wants to dissapear, that's what i am in the world, no matter how much i pretend to be okay and pretend to be happy.
But none of this matters because i am just being a broken fucking record... again.