(no subject)
to say I'm confused would be an understatement. i love the freedom and carefreeness of summer but I do miss the structure of a routine life during the school year. i've been working alot lately and i really like my job. the people that i work with are so unique and intresting in their own ways and i love that. it's like a little family as corny as that is. today i spent the day working with someone who i really enjoy their company, not only for the looks that are pleasing to the eye. but for the personality and common standings which are enjoyable to speak about. i love meeting new people and making new friends. I have however noticed that i am really bad at keeping them. there are so many people who walk through my life on a daily basis whom i like, however I'm just not good at keeping around, whether it's something i do or say. or just timing. whatever the case maybe i hope that someday that will change for me. Speaking of change... I'm trying hard to change. i want to be someone that people are intrested to know, and truly enjoy being around, neither of which i am at this point. there are so many things that i hope to become and to get out of life and i look at where i am now and none of which seems to be in any form of a forseeable future. which confuses me? I guess it's natural however it's still the simple. on the subject of guys, there's really nothing new to report and I think that i am content with that situation. There's no one that i am intrested in or anyone that i would like to be intrested in me which i think is okay. I used to really not want a boyfriend for I am deathly afraid of being tied down and commitment scares the shit out of me. However, in the past few months I have changed alot and I think that maybe being tied down might be alittle better than I have portrayed it in my mind. when it comes to friends there's the obvious which is erica and I don't know what i would do without her. she is so much to me, and we can be our own people without a care and i love that. she is beautiful inside and out even if she's a bitch and "you're so vain" I love her to death and I don't knwo what I would do without her as my friend... "fuck sisters, i'm your best friend bitch" famous last line. I went to cowboy's on friday with megan, flip, erica, angela and ana.. and minus all the parental drama.. THANK GOD FOR MY MOM :) it was a good ass kicking time. we were goitn to go to the party afterwards however decided against it. I love being around megan, she's an awesome friend and we click very well she knows what she wants and is never afraid to be her self which is such an admirable quality. on saturday hung out with alisha megan and erica ... I think it's so weird to think that there was a time when alisha and I were inseperable. we've both changed for the better and come along way to get to where we are and I liek our friendship now much better than what we had before but... there are times when I miss certain aspects of who we were so long ago. alisha, is confused but i love her to death and there isn't anythign i wouildn't do for her... she is soo very different than the image she portrays yet I think it fits her very well.. when you think you knwo someone think again, that describes her very well.
lately, I'll look in the mirror and it scares me... not just what i see as a reflection but I can see so much more than that. I remember this time last year I was soo much younger than I am now. alot of people don't get that a bout me and that's okay... I was severly depressed and although I still take the medicine it's different now, it's more of an anxiety issue and mood swings rather than the frightening state i was once in. last summer, my world literally flipped over, not only with my dad dying even though that had alot to do with it, but becomming an older more respectable person had alot to do with it. i'm stilll very young and i'm okay with that, but I have been through so much that in many ways i'm older than alot of adults if only in stress levels. i get very anxious sometimes and I'll break down in tears because i'm nervous about not a fucking thing. i did alotta things last summer that i'm not proud of and even more in the 12 months to follow however i think that it all plays apart in the person we are going to become. I miss my dad so much and there isn't a day that goes by I don't think about him and don't cry alittle because something reminds me of him, a smell a memory a picture a song anything... we had the weirdest relationship yet i wouldn't change it for anythign and as much as i miss him and as much as i wish he were here, i don't think that i would bring him back if i could with his being gone i learned so much more than i ever would hav e otherwise. I loved my dad and I still do, he is such a big part of who i am and what i am. i am not by any means a religious person so to say that god does ev erythign for a reason would be contradictory and would also be something I odn't think, however I think that my dad is taking care of me... letting me have a good time without getting hurt and i'm thankful. it's easy for other people to say that you get over things and that a b on a report card is as bad as loosing aloved one (no names.... you know who you are) however until you truly feel the grief you will never know what it's like and I would never wish that feeling upon someone else. i am content in what i am, not always in who i am but i'm trying. I know i will never be better at anything than anyone and i have accepted that for what it is. but i hope that one day I will truly love someone and have them love me in return and feel that feeling that's more indescribable than anythign. I hope to one day be thought of as beautiful as i so often have thought of others in that matter... even more though, I hope that one day I can see myself in these ways, because that's the ultimate.. self acceptance.
lately, I'll look in the mirror and it scares me... not just what i see as a reflection but I can see so much more than that. I remember this time last year I was soo much younger than I am now. alot of people don't get that a bout me and that's okay... I was severly depressed and although I still take the medicine it's different now, it's more of an anxiety issue and mood swings rather than the frightening state i was once in. last summer, my world literally flipped over, not only with my dad dying even though that had alot to do with it, but becomming an older more respectable person had alot to do with it. i'm stilll very young and i'm okay with that, but I have been through so much that in many ways i'm older than alot of adults if only in stress levels. i get very anxious sometimes and I'll break down in tears because i'm nervous about not a fucking thing. i did alotta things last summer that i'm not proud of and even more in the 12 months to follow however i think that it all plays apart in the person we are going to become. I miss my dad so much and there isn't a day that goes by I don't think about him and don't cry alittle because something reminds me of him, a smell a memory a picture a song anything... we had the weirdest relationship yet i wouldn't change it for anythign and as much as i miss him and as much as i wish he were here, i don't think that i would bring him back if i could with his being gone i learned so much more than i ever would hav e otherwise. I loved my dad and I still do, he is such a big part of who i am and what i am. i am not by any means a religious person so to say that god does ev erythign for a reason would be contradictory and would also be something I odn't think, however I think that my dad is taking care of me... letting me have a good time without getting hurt and i'm thankful. it's easy for other people to say that you get over things and that a b on a report card is as bad as loosing aloved one (no names.... you know who you are) however until you truly feel the grief you will never know what it's like and I would never wish that feeling upon someone else. i am content in what i am, not always in who i am but i'm trying. I know i will never be better at anything than anyone and i have accepted that for what it is. but i hope that one day I will truly love someone and have them love me in return and feel that feeling that's more indescribable than anythign. I hope to one day be thought of as beautiful as i so often have thought of others in that matter... even more though, I hope that one day I can see myself in these ways, because that's the ultimate.. self acceptance.