Untitled
It's been a while since I've written anything on here. Myspace kinda took it's place for a while. There are just a lot of things I don't feel like revealing to those users though, so I come back here, the place where only one person I know of reads it.
Today is the second time my son has had to go to the emergency room. The first time was hell for me. I know a lot of people think I'm this cold, unfeeling person. That maybe I hold a lot in, but someone has to have a strong persona. I don't know. I get tired of holding things in. But I have to, because no one is strong enough to hear what I have to say. It always gets turned into being about them. I don't think anyone ever gives a thought to how their words effect ME. I'm always percieved as never wanting to do anything, which in turn gets turned into me being lazy. Maybe I am. Anyway.
I fel helpless when he's in pain, or when he has a rash, or when these hive looking things break out on his skin. It baffles me. My girlfriend bathes him. He's a clean child. Yet he breaks out. But my friend Kenneth, who, along with his girlfriend and her family, are the dirtiest, most nasty people you will ever meet, and their kids are fine. Well, they're kids are usually sick, but they don't have skin conditions. It really annoys me. we're doing everything right. I just don't understand.
She probably doesn't know this about me, or maybe no one does, but I take things that are said to heart. I feel them. I dwell on them. I let them stew in my head until the make some sort of sense. I feel like everyone thinks I'm a bad father. She's already told me this. To my face. The accusations that I don't want to spend time with my family, or that something else is more important than them. NOTHING is. I don't think that's believable though. Which is my fault. I'm the guy that, when someone is feeling not sure of themselves, or thinking they aren't being a good whatever, I try to assure them that they are. I don't tell them they are a failure. I don't understand or respond well to that.
Since my son was born, I've been thinking about death a lot. It keeps me up at night. Or to be more accurate, it keeps me up until I fall asleep from being exhausted. Having a child wakes you up to the reality that your life is mortal. It's one thing to know you're going to die someday. It's another thing to accept it. To truly understand that you will cease to exist. I'm 27 years old. I probably have more years still left than I've lived, but I don't have those 27 years anymore, and what I've done with them so far is pretty much nothing. I've had jobs here and there. Stupid little bands. Pathetic relationships with even more pathetic females. And what do I really have to show for it? Nothing.
I can't remember a lot of my childhood. I remember little things here and there, but mostly it's not there. Hell, I can't remember really anything about when I lived in San Marcos either. I don't know.
I have a lot more on my mind. I always do. I just never feel like talking. I always feel like when I speak, if someone is listening, they're listening for me to say something bad about them, or something they can turn into something bad about them, and not REALLY listening to what I'm saying. Have the time I don't think my girlfriend loves me and the only reason she's still with me is because of our kid. I can't get her to smile. She always looks at me like I'm a failure. So I go away. I retreat. I had a girlfriend a few years back that was violent. I let her hit me. I think that's easier to deal with than have someone you love look at you the way I feel I'm being looked at.
My music things are pretty much shit. I don't really enjoy playing anymore. I'm tired of all the bullshit. Making music is supposed to be fun. I shouldn't have to fight to get things done. And I don't mean FIGHT, I mean, maybe a better word is struggle. Not even for control. Just to get SOMETHING, ANYTHING done. I don't like this mentality of "That sounds good enough". What the fuck is that? It's supposed to be an album for people to buy. I don't want them to buy something that's "good enough". Fuck that. I can do "good enough" without sleep being tired as hell. I want something more or less perfect. I have a feeling this album is gonna really suck, and after I hear the final version, I'll probably quit. Music is getting me nowhere. I can't find any musicians who are serious about it. I just want people I can sit down with and write some music. It's not hard. I can write music all day. I can't PLAY all the instruments well enough though, so there's my problem. God forbid you ask someone to practice. I had more fun writing fairly shitty music with my friend Mike than I do writing the ONE song in THREE fucking years with my band. I take that back. We're currently writing a new one because I FORCED a jam outta them. Fuck it.
I'm just tired. I try and be good and decent. I just think people pay more attention to me if I'm aggressively vocal about it. I don't know. I'm done for right now. I got too much shit on my mind.
Today is the second time my son has had to go to the emergency room. The first time was hell for me. I know a lot of people think I'm this cold, unfeeling person. That maybe I hold a lot in, but someone has to have a strong persona. I don't know. I get tired of holding things in. But I have to, because no one is strong enough to hear what I have to say. It always gets turned into being about them. I don't think anyone ever gives a thought to how their words effect ME. I'm always percieved as never wanting to do anything, which in turn gets turned into me being lazy. Maybe I am. Anyway.
I fel helpless when he's in pain, or when he has a rash, or when these hive looking things break out on his skin. It baffles me. My girlfriend bathes him. He's a clean child. Yet he breaks out. But my friend Kenneth, who, along with his girlfriend and her family, are the dirtiest, most nasty people you will ever meet, and their kids are fine. Well, they're kids are usually sick, but they don't have skin conditions. It really annoys me. we're doing everything right. I just don't understand.
She probably doesn't know this about me, or maybe no one does, but I take things that are said to heart. I feel them. I dwell on them. I let them stew in my head until the make some sort of sense. I feel like everyone thinks I'm a bad father. She's already told me this. To my face. The accusations that I don't want to spend time with my family, or that something else is more important than them. NOTHING is. I don't think that's believable though. Which is my fault. I'm the guy that, when someone is feeling not sure of themselves, or thinking they aren't being a good whatever, I try to assure them that they are. I don't tell them they are a failure. I don't understand or respond well to that.
Since my son was born, I've been thinking about death a lot. It keeps me up at night. Or to be more accurate, it keeps me up until I fall asleep from being exhausted. Having a child wakes you up to the reality that your life is mortal. It's one thing to know you're going to die someday. It's another thing to accept it. To truly understand that you will cease to exist. I'm 27 years old. I probably have more years still left than I've lived, but I don't have those 27 years anymore, and what I've done with them so far is pretty much nothing. I've had jobs here and there. Stupid little bands. Pathetic relationships with even more pathetic females. And what do I really have to show for it? Nothing.
I can't remember a lot of my childhood. I remember little things here and there, but mostly it's not there. Hell, I can't remember really anything about when I lived in San Marcos either. I don't know.
I have a lot more on my mind. I always do. I just never feel like talking. I always feel like when I speak, if someone is listening, they're listening for me to say something bad about them, or something they can turn into something bad about them, and not REALLY listening to what I'm saying. Have the time I don't think my girlfriend loves me and the only reason she's still with me is because of our kid. I can't get her to smile. She always looks at me like I'm a failure. So I go away. I retreat. I had a girlfriend a few years back that was violent. I let her hit me. I think that's easier to deal with than have someone you love look at you the way I feel I'm being looked at.
My music things are pretty much shit. I don't really enjoy playing anymore. I'm tired of all the bullshit. Making music is supposed to be fun. I shouldn't have to fight to get things done. And I don't mean FIGHT, I mean, maybe a better word is struggle. Not even for control. Just to get SOMETHING, ANYTHING done. I don't like this mentality of "That sounds good enough". What the fuck is that? It's supposed to be an album for people to buy. I don't want them to buy something that's "good enough". Fuck that. I can do "good enough" without sleep being tired as hell. I want something more or less perfect. I have a feeling this album is gonna really suck, and after I hear the final version, I'll probably quit. Music is getting me nowhere. I can't find any musicians who are serious about it. I just want people I can sit down with and write some music. It's not hard. I can write music all day. I can't PLAY all the instruments well enough though, so there's my problem. God forbid you ask someone to practice. I had more fun writing fairly shitty music with my friend Mike than I do writing the ONE song in THREE fucking years with my band. I take that back. We're currently writing a new one because I FORCED a jam outta them. Fuck it.
I'm just tired. I try and be good and decent. I just think people pay more attention to me if I'm aggressively vocal about it. I don't know. I'm done for right now. I got too much shit on my mind.