Tell me I'm pretty...
I haven't written in a while and the last time I did, it was somewhat random. I'm sorry for that and even sorry for not telling you who he is/was. Either way...my life had started to go back to normal. I finally got my apartment and I was working and having work friends and having a good time with Mr. Mateo. Now I'm layed off, Matt paid my rent, I'm sharing my apartment, I have to draw unemployment, my camera is out of batteries, both of my grandfathers are just getting out of the hospital and instead of being sad I've been remorseful only to myself because I can't figure out why I don't care that either one of them is about to go...you'd think I'd care more, but really I'm only concerned about the Grandmothers. We have Seiler, Kidner and Cox...Cox is actually Mattie's Grandma but she adopted a long while ago...truthfully my priorities stand with Cox...then Kidner and then Seiler but only because she is healthy and not going anytime soon...but don't you think that I should be more concerned as my family members begin to pass...My own mother cursed her father on what we thought may be his death bed. I am that woman...I am that bitter. Krista and I took Matt's car to Dogpatch last weekend...I figured as long as I was in the neighborhood...he all but told me to get off of his property...I've spent the last couple of days just moping around Matthew and trying to feel better...he's doing all that he can, but I'm not a very nice person when I'm hurting. Matthew is the only one of my friends that is trully there for me and trully understands what I'm going through and yet, if I'm upset I want him to kiss my feet and just make sure that he's paying attention to me every second. That's not right. He has given his all to me. All of you who have seen how upset that I've gotten with him...well, you must think one of two things...that I'm crazy or he's a jackass...or maybe both. I don't know...I'd like to think that neither is true. We're working a lot on our relationship and being strong together and apart...I think we're doing pretty good...we've been dealt a hard blow...a few times. I don't know if any of you have a person like Mattie in your life...if you have such a close friend that it hurts to love them...I have no words to explain it. I told Matt the other night...in an arguement no less...I said "Sometimes I just wish I'd never met you, this is just so fucking hard sometimes, but then I realize...that not loving you is not worth not having the hard." My hope for you all is that sometime during your life, you find your Mateo...that curly headed nerd boy in the corner of your Spanish class...the one that will fuck up your life...but make it worth living.