The One Ring (No, The Other One!)
Having written a fandom-style summary of Wagner's The Ring of the Nibelung for resolute, I feel compelled to share it with the rest of the world. Be afraid.
Wagner's Ring cycle consists of four operas, or Musikdramen, as he insisted on calling them, based both on mythology and Wagner reading a lot of Schopenhauer at the time. With this result.
Prelude - Rhinegold:
Rhinemaidens: *cocktease Alberich the dwarf and accidentally mention the gold they're guarding makes its owner ruler of all things, if he/she foreswears love*
Alberich: I'm not getting any from you anyway. Love be dammed!
*robs gold*
*meanwhile, up with the gods*
Fricka: Wotan, this new castle Walhalla looks impressive, but you totally suck for having sold my sister to the giants as their salary.
Wotan: Not to worry. Loki will persuade them to accept alternate payment. He's good at this stuff.
Giants (Fafner and Fasolt): Ya think? No way Loki can come up with something as great as the goddess of Love.... well, maybe. We're so taking Fricka's sister with us until you cough up the cash in question, though.
Gods: *age, without the goddess of love*
Wotan: Loki, we're off to find that alternate payment, and let me remind me that if you don't come up with something, you're as screwed as we are, since we're blood brothers.
*meanwhile, below the Earth*
Alberich: *has become Evil Overlord of all the dwarves thanks to the ring he made himself out of the gold and made his brother Mime fabricate an invisibility and transmutation providing helmet so he can torment said brother some more*
Mime: Why, if it isn't Loki the firegod! Let me tell you how my life sucks lately. *provides details*
Loki: Not to worry. *tricks Alberich into transmuting, captures him*
Wotan: So, Alberich. I know I'm robbing from a robber here, but I do need the cash. We're only letting you go if you provide treasure so I can buy my sister-in-law back from the giants.
Alberich: I hate you. *makes minions come up with treasure, which includes invisibility/transmutation helmet*
Wotan: The road to evil is indeed an easy one. I'm feeling intrigued by that ring you're wearing. Besides, if you keep it, you'll do awful things when revenging yourself. So, ring, please, then Loki can let you go.
Alberich: I hate you even more. *curses Wotan, Wotan's descendents and just about everyone whoever wears the ring until he has it back, then provides ring*
Giants: We're back! My, that is some fine treasure.
Fasolt: But I still think Fricka's sister is prettier. Well, unless you add that ring on your finger, Wotan.
Fricka: You'd better.
Wotan: I don't...
Erda the Earth Goddess: *is dea ex machina, showing up at this point* Wotan, hand over the ring before it corrupts you entirely. You're doomed anyway, but do you want to turn into Gollum? Pray show you're at least still capable of thinking of others as well as yourself!
Wotan: *hands over ring*
Fasolt and Fafner: *hand over sister-in-law and immediately start to argue about the ring; Fafner kills Fasolt and walks away with the treasure, not to be seen again until Siegfried.
Wotan: I'm having a bad feeling about this. Must investigate further what to do about this curse. Until then, Fricka, we should move into that dearly bought Walhalla.
Loki: You gods aren't fun anymore. I'm off.
Rhinemaidens: And what about US? That was our gold to begin with?
Loki: Face it, girls, life sucks.
II - The Valkyrie
Siegmund: *arrives exhausted and obviously coming directly from a fight at a strange house*
Sieglinde: Hail, stranger, to whom I feel immeditiately attracted and who looks oddly familiar.
Hunding, Sieglinde's husband: Why do these two look so oddly alike, I wonder? Say, stranger, what's your story?
Siegmund: Call me... Wehwalt, since I don't trust you, sinister host. However, I do feel drawn to you, beautiful hostess, and shall tell you a bit of my life. I lost my sister and mother early in life, but my father, a one-eyed mysterious man whom we shall call... Wolfe, and I spent years together in the forests being outlaws. And then he suddenly was gone, which sucked. Also, I always try to do the right thing, but everyone seems to hate my guts as a result. Just recently, I've come across a young girl who was going to be married against her will. I was her champion and fought for her freedom, but killed her immediate male family in the process. So I'm on the run again from the rest of the clan.
Hunding: No kidding. I'm a member of the rest of the clan. Since you've eaten and drunk at my house, you're safe here tonight, but tomorrow, you're dead. Also, I just love how you have no weapons and I can totally lock you up here. Wife, to bed!
Siegmund *alone* : Damm it, Dad. You promised there'd be help in my hour of greatest need! Where is it?
Sieglinde: Hail, guest. I drugged my husband, whom I hate anyway. I got abducted from my family as a little girl and sold to Hunding. On the day of our marriage, a mysterious one-eyed man who looked oddly familiar showed up and put this sword into the tree that's standing in the middle of Hunding's house, saying only the greatest hero would be able to pull it out. I figured that might be you. Want to try?
Siegmund: No kidding. One-eyed man, you say? And also, your voice... something about you... could you be...
Sieglinde: Could you be...
Siegmund: My sister!
Sieglinde: My brother!
Both: Let's have sex!
Siegmund: *pulls out sword*
Twins: *run away to have sex or have sex right away, depending on the production*
*meanwhile, back im Walhalla*
Wotan: Brünhilde, my favourite daughter by Erda the Earth Goddess, could you protect your half brother Siegmund in the upcoming duel with Hunding?
Brünhilde: No problem, Dad. Ouch, your wife is approaching. I'm off.
Fricka: Husband, you suck. Not only do I have to deal with your illegimate children left, right and center, and me the goddess of marriage, but now two of your bastards are having sex!
Wotan: Love is love. Don't be so narrow-minded.
Fricka: Here's a reality check: you're the god of laws. If you don't make humans uphold them, you might as well dissolve into thin air, since that's where your divinity comes from.
Wotan: But! My son Siegmund is a special human being, a free human being. He became a hero through years of adversity. So he's outside of the laws that govern my creation.
Fricka: He IS your creation, you liar. Not just because you sired him but because you spent those years outlawing with him in human disguise, making him what he is today. Free human being, my ass. None of us can create a free human being because the very act of creation makes the being in question dependent on us. So, he's subject to the law and must die. Also, this is so payback for years of unfaithfulness.
Wotan: *broods* Damm, you're right. Brünhilde, come back!
Brünhilde: Dad...?
Wotan: Change of plan. Hunding is to win the duel. Siegmund dies.
Brünhilde: But....
Wotan: I've been kidding myself. We're all doomed anyway. Free humans could maybe save and create, but Fricka was right. I made Siegmund and Sieglinde what they are. I wish I was dead already. Go, kill your brother.
Brünhilde: ...
*meanwhile, on Earth*
Sieglinde: I feel guilty, not because of the incest but because of marital sex with Hunding which I hated every minute of. Enforced sex is way worse than incest. Siegmund, I need to rest! *sleeps*
Brünhilde: Siegmund, you don't know me. I'm a Valkyrie and here to tell you you're going to die soon, as is my job. Sorry. On the bright side, Wotan loves you, so you're going to end up in Walhalla among his favourite heroes.
Siegmund: And what happens to Sieglinde?
Brünhilde: Sorry. Only male dead heroes and Valkyries and gods in Walhalla.
Siegmund: Screw Walhalla. I'm staying here with my sister.
Brünhilde: But you'll die anyway, and if you reject Walhalla, it's Hel for both of you!
Siegmund: As long as I'm with Sieglinde, I don't care.
Brünhilde: That's it. You two are my siblings and your love is so great, plus I know Wotan doesn't really want to kill you anyway. Ignore what I said, Siegmund, go ahead and fight Hunding, you're going to win!
Siegmund and Hunding: *battle; Hunding is losing*
Wotan: *appears and with his spear blocks Siegmund's sword; the sword breaks, Hunding gets his spear into Siegmund*
Brünhilde: *grabs Sieglinde and disappears*
Wotan: DAMM IT ALL TO HELL. *makes Hunding die as well since he hates his guts, cradles Siegmund until Siegmund is dead, then follows Brünhilde*
Valkyries: *assemble to most famous music of Ring cycle*
Brünhilde: Sisters, this is our mortal sister, Sieglinde. Anyone know a good hiding place for her and the child she's carrying?
Sieglinde: The what?
Brünhilde: As a goddess, I can tell you you're pregnant. See why you're not allowed to commit suicide to follow Siegmund?
Valkyries: *mention special forest to which Sieglinde disappears after blessing Brünhilde*
Wotan: *arrives in self-loathing and fury* Away with the rest of you; I need to talk with Brünhilde.
Valkyries: *disappear*
Wotan: So. You went against my orders.
Brünhilde: It was what you secretly wanted to happen.
Wotan: Doesn't matter even if it were true. I'm going to take your divinity away and hand you over to the next mortal.
Brünhilde: Dad! You know you love me.
Wotan: Don't remind me.
Brünhilde: At least surround me with a wall of fire so nobody but the best of heroes can wake me up, and yes, put me to magical sleep so I don't have to wait for eons. Well, for the next two decades. Because Sieglinde is pregnant, and I have plans for the boy she's carrying.
Wotan: You... why did you do it anyway?
Brünhilde: Love is more important than orders.
Wotan: You're better than me. Okay, your wish is granted. *kisses his daughter which makes her mortal and induces sleep, conjures up Loki/Fire to surround her* Farewell, my daughter whom I loved more than any other person! May someone worthier than I wake you up!
III - Siegfried
Mime: My life still sucks. Years ago, a pregnant woman showed up at my doorstep and gave birth to a baby boy, then died. Since then, I'm the unwilling foster father of the most obnoxious hero in training ever.
Mysterious One-Eyed Man: *shows up and says hellot to Mime*
Mime: Say, you look familiar somehow.
MOEM: Call me W...anderer. So, I hear Fafner the ex giant who made himself in to a dragon is living in this forest?
Mime: Sure is. With his treasure. And the ring. Would love to have same, but no dice, unless the pesky kid I've been raising comes in useful one day and gets it for me.
Wanderer: That kid might be the death of you. Sorry. *disappears*
Siegfried: *shows up and is an obnoxious teenager*
Mime: Look, son, you've broken every sword I've made for you. How about one that is already broken? That came with you, so to speak. Your mother had it with her when she died at my doorstep.
Siegfried: Shiny! *remakes broken sword*
Mime: Want to try it out? There is this dragon...
Siegfried: Yay, time to be a hero!
Fafner: Life as a capitalist dragon suits me. Who is this kid?
Fight: *ensues; Siegfried wins*
Bird in the woods: Siegfried, bathe in the blood of the dragon. You'll be invulnerable. Also, get the treasure. Oh, and be careful. Mime is so going to kill you for it.
Siegfried: I like animals better than Mime anyway. Poor old dragon, clever bird. *does as told*
Mime: Completing my sucky life, I shall now make a clumsy attempt to poison my foster son and get slain.
Siegfried: *gets oedipal on Mime, then broods in the woods*
Bird: Never mind. There is this wonderful woman behind a wall of fire. Follow me!
*on a certain rock surrounded by fire*
Wanderer: Erda, time for a chat. Is the time for the end of the gods near as I feel it is?
Erda: What's with the aliases again? I know who you are. And you bet it is. Have fun! *goes off*
Siegfried: Who is this one-eyed guy? Out of the way. I want to go through the wall of fire and see this creature called a woman. Never met one before.
Wanderer: ... Okay. A bit rude, but I guess that's needed for a hero. Also, I feel like atoning for my late son. Did I mention this spear I'm holding broke your father's sword?
Siegfried: My father's enemy! *breaks spear*
Wanderer: I guess that makes you a free human being not subject to divine law. Good luck. Your fate is your own. *disappears*
Siegfried: *crosses wall of fire, finds the sleeping Brünnhilde*
Siegfried: A woman! Now, for the first time in my life, I feel frightened! Also I feel an odd tingling sensation in my body. Maybe she's my mother? *kisses her*
Brünhilde: Life is glorious. You must be Siegfried. Last time we were near each other, you were a baby.
Siegfried: I am. Are you my mother?
Brünhilde: No, your aunt. But you're the man of my dreams!
Both: *passionately kiss as the opera end*
IV - Twilight of the Gods
Siegfried: Brünhilde, beloved, I feel like I haven't done enough adventuring. Off I go! But here, keep this ring as my pledge to retun to you.
Brünhilde: Farewell, beloved! *watches him go*
Waltraute, a Valkyrie: Sister! Good to see you awake again. We need to talk.
Brünhilde: How is Dad?
Waltraute: Brooding, as usual. He says the end is impending. Also, he finally coughed up the story about the Rhinegold. Mind giving that ring you're wearing back to the Rhinemaidens? That would end the curse.
Brünhilde: Dad made me a mortal. So see if I care what happens to the gods. This ring is the pledge of Siegfried's love. No deal.
*meanwhile, in Worms*
Hagen: Half-siblings, I, your illegitimate half brother, suggest you two get married. Gunther, there is this fabulous woman who is an ex-Goddess. Gutrune, there is this great new hero, Siegfried.
Gunther & Gutrune: Mmmmm. But why should they marry us?
Hagen: Let me arrange it.
*mixes magic drink*
Siegfried: *arrives, gets handed magic drink, instantly forgets Brünhilde and falls in love with Gutrune*
Hagen: Tell you what, help Gunther get this Brünhilde person, and it's a double wedding.
Siegfried: Absolutely!
Siegfried and Gunther: *go off to get Brünhilde with the help of the transmutation/invisibility helmet, which will make Siegfried look like Gunther*
Brünhilde: I can't believe this! Who are you, stranger! Dad promised only Siegfried would be able to cross the firewall!
Siegfried-in-disguise: I'm Gunther. And I want that ring you're wearing as proof we're now engaged.
Symbolic rape: *takes place*
Brünhilde: Now I hate humans as well as gods. Men suck.
Alberich: Hagen, my bastard son whom I sired because I saw Wotan getting illegitimate children, and since no woman ever loved me, I bought one, pray remember the ultimate plan is for me to get back the ring?
Hagen: Sure.
*big arrival scene in Worms takes place*
Brünhilde: Siegfried! Siegfried, why are you standing there with this hussy?
Siegfried: Gunther, your new wife is crazy. I don't know her.
Brünhilde: You bastard. Hear me, everyone: I had sex with this man.
Hagen: If that's true, Siegfried deserves to die. But discreetly.
*arranges hunt the next day*
Rhinemaidens: *reenter the narrative*: Siegfried, mind if you hand over that ring?
Siegfried: *Is now corrupted, like every other ring bearer* NO.
Hagen: *kills Siegfried*
Gutrune: Did my two brothers just conspire to kill my new husband? You bastards. Look, everyone, my eyes are opened! I should never have agreed to Hagen using that magic drink. Siegfried was totally framed!
Hagen: *kills Gunther*
Brünhilde *wears Valkyrie regalia again*: I don't care anymore. I finally realized what my role in this is. Dad, don't worry anymore! Time to end this. *gets on Siegfried's funeral pyre* The fire of this pyre will set Valhalla aflame, and end the old world, so a new one, free of the old laws and the old guilt can start. Dad, I'm returning to you with Siegfried, as we're all creatures of the past! Ring, back to the Rhinemaidens!
Pyre: *burns*
Hagen and Alberich: *each try to snatch the ring when Brünhilde throws it, but the Rhine is now mightier, and drowns them*
New world: *arises*
Wagner's Ring cycle consists of four operas, or Musikdramen, as he insisted on calling them, based both on mythology and Wagner reading a lot of Schopenhauer at the time. With this result.
Prelude - Rhinegold:
Rhinemaidens: *cocktease Alberich the dwarf and accidentally mention the gold they're guarding makes its owner ruler of all things, if he/she foreswears love*
Alberich: I'm not getting any from you anyway. Love be dammed!
*robs gold*
*meanwhile, up with the gods*
Fricka: Wotan, this new castle Walhalla looks impressive, but you totally suck for having sold my sister to the giants as their salary.
Wotan: Not to worry. Loki will persuade them to accept alternate payment. He's good at this stuff.
Giants (Fafner and Fasolt): Ya think? No way Loki can come up with something as great as the goddess of Love.... well, maybe. We're so taking Fricka's sister with us until you cough up the cash in question, though.
Gods: *age, without the goddess of love*
Wotan: Loki, we're off to find that alternate payment, and let me remind me that if you don't come up with something, you're as screwed as we are, since we're blood brothers.
*meanwhile, below the Earth*
Alberich: *has become Evil Overlord of all the dwarves thanks to the ring he made himself out of the gold and made his brother Mime fabricate an invisibility and transmutation providing helmet so he can torment said brother some more*
Mime: Why, if it isn't Loki the firegod! Let me tell you how my life sucks lately. *provides details*
Loki: Not to worry. *tricks Alberich into transmuting, captures him*
Wotan: So, Alberich. I know I'm robbing from a robber here, but I do need the cash. We're only letting you go if you provide treasure so I can buy my sister-in-law back from the giants.
Alberich: I hate you. *makes minions come up with treasure, which includes invisibility/transmutation helmet*
Wotan: The road to evil is indeed an easy one. I'm feeling intrigued by that ring you're wearing. Besides, if you keep it, you'll do awful things when revenging yourself. So, ring, please, then Loki can let you go.
Alberich: I hate you even more. *curses Wotan, Wotan's descendents and just about everyone whoever wears the ring until he has it back, then provides ring*
Giants: We're back! My, that is some fine treasure.
Fasolt: But I still think Fricka's sister is prettier. Well, unless you add that ring on your finger, Wotan.
Fricka: You'd better.
Wotan: I don't...
Erda the Earth Goddess: *is dea ex machina, showing up at this point* Wotan, hand over the ring before it corrupts you entirely. You're doomed anyway, but do you want to turn into Gollum? Pray show you're at least still capable of thinking of others as well as yourself!
Wotan: *hands over ring*
Fasolt and Fafner: *hand over sister-in-law and immediately start to argue about the ring; Fafner kills Fasolt and walks away with the treasure, not to be seen again until Siegfried.
Wotan: I'm having a bad feeling about this. Must investigate further what to do about this curse. Until then, Fricka, we should move into that dearly bought Walhalla.
Loki: You gods aren't fun anymore. I'm off.
Rhinemaidens: And what about US? That was our gold to begin with?
Loki: Face it, girls, life sucks.
II - The Valkyrie
Siegmund: *arrives exhausted and obviously coming directly from a fight at a strange house*
Sieglinde: Hail, stranger, to whom I feel immeditiately attracted and who looks oddly familiar.
Hunding, Sieglinde's husband: Why do these two look so oddly alike, I wonder? Say, stranger, what's your story?
Siegmund: Call me... Wehwalt, since I don't trust you, sinister host. However, I do feel drawn to you, beautiful hostess, and shall tell you a bit of my life. I lost my sister and mother early in life, but my father, a one-eyed mysterious man whom we shall call... Wolfe, and I spent years together in the forests being outlaws. And then he suddenly was gone, which sucked. Also, I always try to do the right thing, but everyone seems to hate my guts as a result. Just recently, I've come across a young girl who was going to be married against her will. I was her champion and fought for her freedom, but killed her immediate male family in the process. So I'm on the run again from the rest of the clan.
Hunding: No kidding. I'm a member of the rest of the clan. Since you've eaten and drunk at my house, you're safe here tonight, but tomorrow, you're dead. Also, I just love how you have no weapons and I can totally lock you up here. Wife, to bed!
Siegmund *alone* : Damm it, Dad. You promised there'd be help in my hour of greatest need! Where is it?
Sieglinde: Hail, guest. I drugged my husband, whom I hate anyway. I got abducted from my family as a little girl and sold to Hunding. On the day of our marriage, a mysterious one-eyed man who looked oddly familiar showed up and put this sword into the tree that's standing in the middle of Hunding's house, saying only the greatest hero would be able to pull it out. I figured that might be you. Want to try?
Siegmund: No kidding. One-eyed man, you say? And also, your voice... something about you... could you be...
Sieglinde: Could you be...
Siegmund: My sister!
Sieglinde: My brother!
Both: Let's have sex!
Siegmund: *pulls out sword*
Twins: *run away to have sex or have sex right away, depending on the production*
*meanwhile, back im Walhalla*
Wotan: Brünhilde, my favourite daughter by Erda the Earth Goddess, could you protect your half brother Siegmund in the upcoming duel with Hunding?
Brünhilde: No problem, Dad. Ouch, your wife is approaching. I'm off.
Fricka: Husband, you suck. Not only do I have to deal with your illegimate children left, right and center, and me the goddess of marriage, but now two of your bastards are having sex!
Wotan: Love is love. Don't be so narrow-minded.
Fricka: Here's a reality check: you're the god of laws. If you don't make humans uphold them, you might as well dissolve into thin air, since that's where your divinity comes from.
Wotan: But! My son Siegmund is a special human being, a free human being. He became a hero through years of adversity. So he's outside of the laws that govern my creation.
Fricka: He IS your creation, you liar. Not just because you sired him but because you spent those years outlawing with him in human disguise, making him what he is today. Free human being, my ass. None of us can create a free human being because the very act of creation makes the being in question dependent on us. So, he's subject to the law and must die. Also, this is so payback for years of unfaithfulness.
Wotan: *broods* Damm, you're right. Brünhilde, come back!
Brünhilde: Dad...?
Wotan: Change of plan. Hunding is to win the duel. Siegmund dies.
Brünhilde: But....
Wotan: I've been kidding myself. We're all doomed anyway. Free humans could maybe save and create, but Fricka was right. I made Siegmund and Sieglinde what they are. I wish I was dead already. Go, kill your brother.
Brünhilde: ...
*meanwhile, on Earth*
Sieglinde: I feel guilty, not because of the incest but because of marital sex with Hunding which I hated every minute of. Enforced sex is way worse than incest. Siegmund, I need to rest! *sleeps*
Brünhilde: Siegmund, you don't know me. I'm a Valkyrie and here to tell you you're going to die soon, as is my job. Sorry. On the bright side, Wotan loves you, so you're going to end up in Walhalla among his favourite heroes.
Siegmund: And what happens to Sieglinde?
Brünhilde: Sorry. Only male dead heroes and Valkyries and gods in Walhalla.
Siegmund: Screw Walhalla. I'm staying here with my sister.
Brünhilde: But you'll die anyway, and if you reject Walhalla, it's Hel for both of you!
Siegmund: As long as I'm with Sieglinde, I don't care.
Brünhilde: That's it. You two are my siblings and your love is so great, plus I know Wotan doesn't really want to kill you anyway. Ignore what I said, Siegmund, go ahead and fight Hunding, you're going to win!
Siegmund and Hunding: *battle; Hunding is losing*
Wotan: *appears and with his spear blocks Siegmund's sword; the sword breaks, Hunding gets his spear into Siegmund*
Brünhilde: *grabs Sieglinde and disappears*
Wotan: DAMM IT ALL TO HELL. *makes Hunding die as well since he hates his guts, cradles Siegmund until Siegmund is dead, then follows Brünhilde*
Valkyries: *assemble to most famous music of Ring cycle*
Brünhilde: Sisters, this is our mortal sister, Sieglinde. Anyone know a good hiding place for her and the child she's carrying?
Sieglinde: The what?
Brünhilde: As a goddess, I can tell you you're pregnant. See why you're not allowed to commit suicide to follow Siegmund?
Valkyries: *mention special forest to which Sieglinde disappears after blessing Brünhilde*
Wotan: *arrives in self-loathing and fury* Away with the rest of you; I need to talk with Brünhilde.
Valkyries: *disappear*
Wotan: So. You went against my orders.
Brünhilde: It was what you secretly wanted to happen.
Wotan: Doesn't matter even if it were true. I'm going to take your divinity away and hand you over to the next mortal.
Brünhilde: Dad! You know you love me.
Wotan: Don't remind me.
Brünhilde: At least surround me with a wall of fire so nobody but the best of heroes can wake me up, and yes, put me to magical sleep so I don't have to wait for eons. Well, for the next two decades. Because Sieglinde is pregnant, and I have plans for the boy she's carrying.
Wotan: You... why did you do it anyway?
Brünhilde: Love is more important than orders.
Wotan: You're better than me. Okay, your wish is granted. *kisses his daughter which makes her mortal and induces sleep, conjures up Loki/Fire to surround her* Farewell, my daughter whom I loved more than any other person! May someone worthier than I wake you up!
III - Siegfried
Mime: My life still sucks. Years ago, a pregnant woman showed up at my doorstep and gave birth to a baby boy, then died. Since then, I'm the unwilling foster father of the most obnoxious hero in training ever.
Mysterious One-Eyed Man: *shows up and says hellot to Mime*
Mime: Say, you look familiar somehow.
MOEM: Call me W...anderer. So, I hear Fafner the ex giant who made himself in to a dragon is living in this forest?
Mime: Sure is. With his treasure. And the ring. Would love to have same, but no dice, unless the pesky kid I've been raising comes in useful one day and gets it for me.
Wanderer: That kid might be the death of you. Sorry. *disappears*
Siegfried: *shows up and is an obnoxious teenager*
Mime: Look, son, you've broken every sword I've made for you. How about one that is already broken? That came with you, so to speak. Your mother had it with her when she died at my doorstep.
Siegfried: Shiny! *remakes broken sword*
Mime: Want to try it out? There is this dragon...
Siegfried: Yay, time to be a hero!
Fafner: Life as a capitalist dragon suits me. Who is this kid?
Fight: *ensues; Siegfried wins*
Bird in the woods: Siegfried, bathe in the blood of the dragon. You'll be invulnerable. Also, get the treasure. Oh, and be careful. Mime is so going to kill you for it.
Siegfried: I like animals better than Mime anyway. Poor old dragon, clever bird. *does as told*
Mime: Completing my sucky life, I shall now make a clumsy attempt to poison my foster son and get slain.
Siegfried: *gets oedipal on Mime, then broods in the woods*
Bird: Never mind. There is this wonderful woman behind a wall of fire. Follow me!
*on a certain rock surrounded by fire*
Wanderer: Erda, time for a chat. Is the time for the end of the gods near as I feel it is?
Erda: What's with the aliases again? I know who you are. And you bet it is. Have fun! *goes off*
Siegfried: Who is this one-eyed guy? Out of the way. I want to go through the wall of fire and see this creature called a woman. Never met one before.
Wanderer: ... Okay. A bit rude, but I guess that's needed for a hero. Also, I feel like atoning for my late son. Did I mention this spear I'm holding broke your father's sword?
Siegfried: My father's enemy! *breaks spear*
Wanderer: I guess that makes you a free human being not subject to divine law. Good luck. Your fate is your own. *disappears*
Siegfried: *crosses wall of fire, finds the sleeping Brünnhilde*
Siegfried: A woman! Now, for the first time in my life, I feel frightened! Also I feel an odd tingling sensation in my body. Maybe she's my mother? *kisses her*
Brünhilde: Life is glorious. You must be Siegfried. Last time we were near each other, you were a baby.
Siegfried: I am. Are you my mother?
Brünhilde: No, your aunt. But you're the man of my dreams!
Both: *passionately kiss as the opera end*
IV - Twilight of the Gods
Siegfried: Brünhilde, beloved, I feel like I haven't done enough adventuring. Off I go! But here, keep this ring as my pledge to retun to you.
Brünhilde: Farewell, beloved! *watches him go*
Waltraute, a Valkyrie: Sister! Good to see you awake again. We need to talk.
Brünhilde: How is Dad?
Waltraute: Brooding, as usual. He says the end is impending. Also, he finally coughed up the story about the Rhinegold. Mind giving that ring you're wearing back to the Rhinemaidens? That would end the curse.
Brünhilde: Dad made me a mortal. So see if I care what happens to the gods. This ring is the pledge of Siegfried's love. No deal.
*meanwhile, in Worms*
Hagen: Half-siblings, I, your illegitimate half brother, suggest you two get married. Gunther, there is this fabulous woman who is an ex-Goddess. Gutrune, there is this great new hero, Siegfried.
Gunther & Gutrune: Mmmmm. But why should they marry us?
Hagen: Let me arrange it.
*mixes magic drink*
Siegfried: *arrives, gets handed magic drink, instantly forgets Brünhilde and falls in love with Gutrune*
Hagen: Tell you what, help Gunther get this Brünhilde person, and it's a double wedding.
Siegfried: Absolutely!
Siegfried and Gunther: *go off to get Brünhilde with the help of the transmutation/invisibility helmet, which will make Siegfried look like Gunther*
Brünhilde: I can't believe this! Who are you, stranger! Dad promised only Siegfried would be able to cross the firewall!
Siegfried-in-disguise: I'm Gunther. And I want that ring you're wearing as proof we're now engaged.
Symbolic rape: *takes place*
Brünhilde: Now I hate humans as well as gods. Men suck.
Alberich: Hagen, my bastard son whom I sired because I saw Wotan getting illegitimate children, and since no woman ever loved me, I bought one, pray remember the ultimate plan is for me to get back the ring?
Hagen: Sure.
*big arrival scene in Worms takes place*
Brünhilde: Siegfried! Siegfried, why are you standing there with this hussy?
Siegfried: Gunther, your new wife is crazy. I don't know her.
Brünhilde: You bastard. Hear me, everyone: I had sex with this man.
Hagen: If that's true, Siegfried deserves to die. But discreetly.
*arranges hunt the next day*
Rhinemaidens: *reenter the narrative*: Siegfried, mind if you hand over that ring?
Siegfried: *Is now corrupted, like every other ring bearer* NO.
Hagen: *kills Siegfried*
Gutrune: Did my two brothers just conspire to kill my new husband? You bastards. Look, everyone, my eyes are opened! I should never have agreed to Hagen using that magic drink. Siegfried was totally framed!
Hagen: *kills Gunther*
Brünhilde *wears Valkyrie regalia again*: I don't care anymore. I finally realized what my role in this is. Dad, don't worry anymore! Time to end this. *gets on Siegfried's funeral pyre* The fire of this pyre will set Valhalla aflame, and end the old world, so a new one, free of the old laws and the old guilt can start. Dad, I'm returning to you with Siegfried, as we're all creatures of the past! Ring, back to the Rhinemaidens!
Pyre: *burns*
Hagen and Alberich: *each try to snatch the ring when Brünhilde throws it, but the Rhine is now mightier, and drowns them*
New world: *arises*