Catching Up
The past 3 years have been a nightmare; how much of it was my fault and how much that of others, I cant say. Its not good to try and assign blame to anyone in such delicate, constantly changing situations such as our family has been facing. In a fog of depression and chronic pain, I tried to forget myself to the point that I might not exist, because existence has been so horrible. When I woke up and looked around, I became aware of so many problems and issues that I swung back the other way, thinking I had the power to effect beneficial change. But I had tried so hard to become a ghost that I nearly succeeded. Nobody was listening to anything I had to say. Six months of battling, working, pleading with my parents to at LEAST formulate a plan of action as I watched their health failing....I was alone, and I was frightened out of my wits, and I was limited by my own health problems. I couldnt even bail out....I was broke, sick, essentially helpless.
I finally broke under the strain that they were demanding and that I was expecting of myself. I became overwhelmed, I went into a state of constant panic, until one Tuesday all i could feel was paralyzing terror with absolutely no way out. I shifted upward once again, escalating fear found me pacing the house, literally wringing my hands, unable to stop crying, unable to sleep, unable to find any good solution.
That was when I began to dissociate, to feel myself and my actions were two separate things. My vision became very acute, the environment took on a brittle, crystalline sheen, and suddenly getting in the truck and running myself off an overpass sounded like a really fine idea. I even got in and took a trial run, determining how much speed would be required to bash through a metal guardrail reinforced with thick wooden posts.
Then I knew. I was in danger. The rest of myself came for a visit and notified me that i was in trouble, and dad woke up and took me to a behavioral health hospital where I stayed for 9 days, the first five of which are still a fog.
As I have reached out to people who still cared a bit about me, and listened to them, I am grateful that I have learned my own limitations. I know that being a nurse in an institutional setting never prepares anyone when the people they love are demanding so much 24-7, and are totally non-compliant.
Ive been home for about a month, and the same issues are still here, the same dysfunction, the same blind people. I get the shakes at times, I cry, I call my sister. I've taken some steps toward setting limits, I dont offer myself up for sacrifice, I piss them off greatly. I still have the sensation of walking face-first into driving rain: the only thing to do is to squint hard and keep on diggin'. My heart is bleeding and raw as if it has been sandblasted. In fact, my deities and also the Buddhist "Heart Sutra" have helped me preserve a little of my sanity.
A few very special things have always been in my mind, however. One of them was to never let Pathfyndere go. What is in storage here on LJ is extremely important, not just to me but potentially others. There were some beautiful things happening there. As I recuperate, I intend to devote some time into saving it, Both electronically and on hard copy. That, and the few souls who really know me and care about me, I hope will help me through.
I finally broke under the strain that they were demanding and that I was expecting of myself. I became overwhelmed, I went into a state of constant panic, until one Tuesday all i could feel was paralyzing terror with absolutely no way out. I shifted upward once again, escalating fear found me pacing the house, literally wringing my hands, unable to stop crying, unable to sleep, unable to find any good solution.
That was when I began to dissociate, to feel myself and my actions were two separate things. My vision became very acute, the environment took on a brittle, crystalline sheen, and suddenly getting in the truck and running myself off an overpass sounded like a really fine idea. I even got in and took a trial run, determining how much speed would be required to bash through a metal guardrail reinforced with thick wooden posts.
Then I knew. I was in danger. The rest of myself came for a visit and notified me that i was in trouble, and dad woke up and took me to a behavioral health hospital where I stayed for 9 days, the first five of which are still a fog.
As I have reached out to people who still cared a bit about me, and listened to them, I am grateful that I have learned my own limitations. I know that being a nurse in an institutional setting never prepares anyone when the people they love are demanding so much 24-7, and are totally non-compliant.
Ive been home for about a month, and the same issues are still here, the same dysfunction, the same blind people. I get the shakes at times, I cry, I call my sister. I've taken some steps toward setting limits, I dont offer myself up for sacrifice, I piss them off greatly. I still have the sensation of walking face-first into driving rain: the only thing to do is to squint hard and keep on diggin'. My heart is bleeding and raw as if it has been sandblasted. In fact, my deities and also the Buddhist "Heart Sutra" have helped me preserve a little of my sanity.
A few very special things have always been in my mind, however. One of them was to never let Pathfyndere go. What is in storage here on LJ is extremely important, not just to me but potentially others. There were some beautiful things happening there. As I recuperate, I intend to devote some time into saving it, Both electronically and on hard copy. That, and the few souls who really know me and care about me, I hope will help me through.