(no subject)
Well it's been a while since I journalized, simply because I haven't had much to say. Today I'm venting my neverendling pain.
Mom and Dad have threatened to kick me out of the house 3 times since I moved in...this would make me broke and homeless. Every time they threaten it ruins me because I feel them giving up. It's them telling me I'm worthless and will continue to be that way. I feel as if everyone else has given up on me and the last straw is to have my parents do the same. It's so emotionally draining to feel like there is no help for yourself. I don't think I can handle the pain anymore. I was most certainly doing better living on my own, but as of right now I have no choice but to live at home. It's gotten to the point where I have no clue what to do anymore. I have no idea where I would go or who I would turn to for help if they just gave up. It's understandable though. I can't even stand to be around myself...so no wonder my parents feel the same way. I'm so very lost. It's been really hard for me feeling like I've fallen behind the crowd. I keep seeing all of my friends graduating, getting married and moving on with their lives when I'm STILL stuck in this rut. How could I have gotten so far away from my goals in life? Why can't I just believe in myself? I can't seem to let go of all the pain and anger I've been holding onto for so long and I'm beginning to feel like a waste of space. I'm so emotionally drained that it's hard to get up in the morning...it's hard to do anything...and I have no motivation to do anything. It seems this always happens. My life will feel like it's going well for a while and then this latent anger will rise to the surface and I'll fall again. I hate myself again and I can't help it. It's who I am and I can't seem to change it. I'm so depressed that my body physically hurts. I can't be around people and I don't want to...I don't even want to be around myself most of the time. The pain is almost unbearable. Maybe I should tell my parents to admit me to a hospital because I don't see this getting better anytime soon and I keep sinking deeper. I'm in so much pain and I don't always know why.
Mom and Dad have threatened to kick me out of the house 3 times since I moved in...this would make me broke and homeless. Every time they threaten it ruins me because I feel them giving up. It's them telling me I'm worthless and will continue to be that way. I feel as if everyone else has given up on me and the last straw is to have my parents do the same. It's so emotionally draining to feel like there is no help for yourself. I don't think I can handle the pain anymore. I was most certainly doing better living on my own, but as of right now I have no choice but to live at home. It's gotten to the point where I have no clue what to do anymore. I have no idea where I would go or who I would turn to for help if they just gave up. It's understandable though. I can't even stand to be around myself...so no wonder my parents feel the same way. I'm so very lost. It's been really hard for me feeling like I've fallen behind the crowd. I keep seeing all of my friends graduating, getting married and moving on with their lives when I'm STILL stuck in this rut. How could I have gotten so far away from my goals in life? Why can't I just believe in myself? I can't seem to let go of all the pain and anger I've been holding onto for so long and I'm beginning to feel like a waste of space. I'm so emotionally drained that it's hard to get up in the morning...it's hard to do anything...and I have no motivation to do anything. It seems this always happens. My life will feel like it's going well for a while and then this latent anger will rise to the surface and I'll fall again. I hate myself again and I can't help it. It's who I am and I can't seem to change it. I'm so depressed that my body physically hurts. I can't be around people and I don't want to...I don't even want to be around myself most of the time. The pain is almost unbearable. Maybe I should tell my parents to admit me to a hospital because I don't see this getting better anytime soon and I keep sinking deeper. I'm in so much pain and I don't always know why.