What should I think??
I know this is long, but it's important to me so please read.
Ok so I'm just starting to feel a little better, like I'm ready to start taking on the world again and then things start to unravel. I was heading to Charlotte to see my newest squeeze, Casey, and before anyone says anything, I know it's soon to be with someone new but Casey and I really hit it off. Anyway, I was headed down to see him when I got pulled by a state trooper. This guy was a total prick. My car is a manual, meaning I have no cruise control, and this officer pulls off the side of the road having just finished writing someone else a ticket, and is behind me on the highway. I'm going about 75, 5 over the limit, like any normal person does, and I start driving down a hill but rather than put my foot on the brake I just let the car coast down the hill going about 80. This is when Officer Asshole desides to put on his lights and pull me. I thought it was a joke. I'm thinking, he can't be serious, it's gotta be a tail light or something on my car that I haven't noticed. No, this guy pulls up my record in his car, SEES that I've never had a speeding ticket before, and still proceeds to give me this STUPID ticket. I was dumbfounded and pissed off so I just turned around and went home. I have no money to pay off a ticket right now so I confessed to my parents and then was forced to do manual labor to work off my debt...Dad's idea of payback is lifting and moving quite a number of split rails and rocks. I was not pleased. Nevermind, that's not my real problem right now.
I can't seem to get my parents to communicate with me. I'm trying to make all these difficult changes in my life but I feel like I'm getting no feedback. We're still getting into the same old arguments, the same old wars. I just can't seem to win with them and I don't know how to change this. I've tried, in many ways, to explain that things they say degrade me and make me feel like a worthless person, but nothing I've said seems to get a reaction. "It's all in my head." The way I feel is all in my head and they've done nothing they can see that could make me feel this way. I wrote this as a vent of my feelings and then sent it to my Mom's email hoping to explain how I'm feeling at this moment in time. Thus far there's been no reaction whatsoever. Not a single word. Keep in mind this was a journal entry that I decided to share with my parents.
Should I just stop trying? Am I right to think they just don't care??
THE EMAIL:
This is in no way meant to hurt you. I wrote it as a vent of my feelings and thought that maybe you could benefit from knowing what I'm going through and how I'm feeling right now.
This is for anyone who has ever felt downgraded by their parents on a daily basis.
At this moment I hate my parents...wait hate is a strong word...right now I think loathe is better. I'm trying as hard as I know how to be better...be a better person, get back into school, choose a career, and live on my own. The double standards are killing me though and I feel they treat me like I'm the vermin in the household. I might as well not call them my parents anymore because I feel they don't believe in me. To them I've become a space consuming monetary burden because I'm not making progress quickly enough. I feel like nothing I do will be good enough for them. Nothing I ever do will please them or get their attention, unless it's something negative. I feel they believe my life to be a failure and me to be a failure as a person. I feel my family believes themselves to be better than me and better off without having me around. They simply don't understand what I'm going through right now...not at all...and they never will because they'll never ask. I just broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years and do not believe I've received one ounce of compassion from anyone. When the pain in your life is so strong isn't there supposed to be someone there to hold your head up and give you a hug? It's true, I go through my life completely alone until it's time for my parents after school special lecture. They think I'm ungrateful for what they've given me, which is untrue. They believe I'm not going to live up to my potential, which they can't possibly predict from the circumstances I'm currently in. Part of the reason I dropped out, as I've just recently discovered, is because I was trying to pick a major that would please them...something that I would get some kind of recognition or encouragement for doing. My entire life I've been doing things for others...it's always been to please someone else. So I'm sorry I'm not perfect and I'm sorry I don't have all the answers yet, but I'm doing all that I know how to do to change. I'm taking baby steps and trying to move myself in the right direction, but my parents can't seem to acknowledge that. They pay attention to how much money they are spending on me having to live at home, and don't focus on helping me and the rest of this family make the progress that needs to be made. I don't feel like trying anymore because I can't seem to do anything the right way...or even an approvable way. I feel completely and totally helpless.
I guess if things don't start to change I'll have to say good riddance to my family. Once I'm out from under this roof I'll evaporate and no longer call myself a part of this family because this doesn't feel like family...it's feels like a judgement circle...it's a faulty union of individuals that tries to help one another by saying things to make another member feel inadequate. For me home is a place to go when you want to feel worse about your life and your circumstances. I should have just stayed in school, because that would have pleased them...it would have driven me to suicide but hey, at least they might be proud of me and think I accomplished something. I swear if I did commit the unthinkable they would be relieved to be rid of me...and to me sometimes it almost seems like a good idea. Life's not worth living if you don't have people in your life who support you no matter what you do and think the greatness in you is worth waiting for. I don't have those people and I feel like I never did. I just feel alone...all the time alone. I don't care if this makes sense because it shouldn't have to. It's how I feel and that's good enough.
And I can't get a response as to the content of this email from my parents. Should I really just stop trying altogether? Should I believe that they don't care?? Is my life really worth nothing to anyone???
I'm going to bed. Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow without this hole in my heart and black cloud following my spirit. Maybe it will be a better day.
Ok so I'm just starting to feel a little better, like I'm ready to start taking on the world again and then things start to unravel. I was heading to Charlotte to see my newest squeeze, Casey, and before anyone says anything, I know it's soon to be with someone new but Casey and I really hit it off. Anyway, I was headed down to see him when I got pulled by a state trooper. This guy was a total prick. My car is a manual, meaning I have no cruise control, and this officer pulls off the side of the road having just finished writing someone else a ticket, and is behind me on the highway. I'm going about 75, 5 over the limit, like any normal person does, and I start driving down a hill but rather than put my foot on the brake I just let the car coast down the hill going about 80. This is when Officer Asshole desides to put on his lights and pull me. I thought it was a joke. I'm thinking, he can't be serious, it's gotta be a tail light or something on my car that I haven't noticed. No, this guy pulls up my record in his car, SEES that I've never had a speeding ticket before, and still proceeds to give me this STUPID ticket. I was dumbfounded and pissed off so I just turned around and went home. I have no money to pay off a ticket right now so I confessed to my parents and then was forced to do manual labor to work off my debt...Dad's idea of payback is lifting and moving quite a number of split rails and rocks. I was not pleased. Nevermind, that's not my real problem right now.
I can't seem to get my parents to communicate with me. I'm trying to make all these difficult changes in my life but I feel like I'm getting no feedback. We're still getting into the same old arguments, the same old wars. I just can't seem to win with them and I don't know how to change this. I've tried, in many ways, to explain that things they say degrade me and make me feel like a worthless person, but nothing I've said seems to get a reaction. "It's all in my head." The way I feel is all in my head and they've done nothing they can see that could make me feel this way. I wrote this as a vent of my feelings and then sent it to my Mom's email hoping to explain how I'm feeling at this moment in time. Thus far there's been no reaction whatsoever. Not a single word. Keep in mind this was a journal entry that I decided to share with my parents.
Should I just stop trying? Am I right to think they just don't care??
THE EMAIL:
This is in no way meant to hurt you. I wrote it as a vent of my feelings and thought that maybe you could benefit from knowing what I'm going through and how I'm feeling right now.
This is for anyone who has ever felt downgraded by their parents on a daily basis.
At this moment I hate my parents...wait hate is a strong word...right now I think loathe is better. I'm trying as hard as I know how to be better...be a better person, get back into school, choose a career, and live on my own. The double standards are killing me though and I feel they treat me like I'm the vermin in the household. I might as well not call them my parents anymore because I feel they don't believe in me. To them I've become a space consuming monetary burden because I'm not making progress quickly enough. I feel like nothing I do will be good enough for them. Nothing I ever do will please them or get their attention, unless it's something negative. I feel they believe my life to be a failure and me to be a failure as a person. I feel my family believes themselves to be better than me and better off without having me around. They simply don't understand what I'm going through right now...not at all...and they never will because they'll never ask. I just broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years and do not believe I've received one ounce of compassion from anyone. When the pain in your life is so strong isn't there supposed to be someone there to hold your head up and give you a hug? It's true, I go through my life completely alone until it's time for my parents after school special lecture. They think I'm ungrateful for what they've given me, which is untrue. They believe I'm not going to live up to my potential, which they can't possibly predict from the circumstances I'm currently in. Part of the reason I dropped out, as I've just recently discovered, is because I was trying to pick a major that would please them...something that I would get some kind of recognition or encouragement for doing. My entire life I've been doing things for others...it's always been to please someone else. So I'm sorry I'm not perfect and I'm sorry I don't have all the answers yet, but I'm doing all that I know how to do to change. I'm taking baby steps and trying to move myself in the right direction, but my parents can't seem to acknowledge that. They pay attention to how much money they are spending on me having to live at home, and don't focus on helping me and the rest of this family make the progress that needs to be made. I don't feel like trying anymore because I can't seem to do anything the right way...or even an approvable way. I feel completely and totally helpless.
I guess if things don't start to change I'll have to say good riddance to my family. Once I'm out from under this roof I'll evaporate and no longer call myself a part of this family because this doesn't feel like family...it's feels like a judgement circle...it's a faulty union of individuals that tries to help one another by saying things to make another member feel inadequate. For me home is a place to go when you want to feel worse about your life and your circumstances. I should have just stayed in school, because that would have pleased them...it would have driven me to suicide but hey, at least they might be proud of me and think I accomplished something. I swear if I did commit the unthinkable they would be relieved to be rid of me...and to me sometimes it almost seems like a good idea. Life's not worth living if you don't have people in your life who support you no matter what you do and think the greatness in you is worth waiting for. I don't have those people and I feel like I never did. I just feel alone...all the time alone. I don't care if this makes sense because it shouldn't have to. It's how I feel and that's good enough.
And I can't get a response as to the content of this email from my parents. Should I really just stop trying altogether? Should I believe that they don't care?? Is my life really worth nothing to anyone???
I'm going to bed. Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow without this hole in my heart and black cloud following my spirit. Maybe it will be a better day.