let the good times roll
it's been awhile.
I spent my morning reading through a bunch of old entries.
It's really showed me how much i've changed these past few years: how much i've learned: and how much other people have changed.
The changes aren't all bad.. but ive really noticed what a selfish person ive become.
I need to stop. It's sad to look back and see myself talking about people on this thing.. using the context of [you, she, he, them, they, etc.] as if they wont be able to read it and figure it out.. but people aren't stupid.
I read one entry.. i totally let all my feelings out. I wrote that back in april. someone anonymous commented back in june " i didn't know i was like that.. im sorry but i love you a lot".. I don't even remember what i was so mad about anymore.
but that just helped me open my eyes. i want to become a better person.. its gunna take awhile but im working on it.
But what i did enjoy about reading all those old entries, was being able to compare my life back then to what i've got now. A lot is different now. I thought i fell in love with someone back in freshman year. but heck the person i have in my life now is 1000 times better and treats me better too. what if i still held onto that "love" back in 9th grade.. i wouldnt have what is present.
I also lost a lot of frienships on this road of life. and for stupid stuff too like: boys, jealousy, being retarded, popularity, just for whatever... im trying really hard to mend the things that have been ripped.
I've gotten into a lot of fights with people.. my goal is to just stop it all.. and not care.. just let things pass.
As i read the entries i looked at songs that i was listening to at the time.. its funny how certain songs strike up memories and feelings. By listening to some of the songs it takes me back to exactly how i felt at that time. Some songs make me want to cry.. i had some really difficult times.. but a lot of the other songs just make me think of what an awesome life i had.
shit happens and then you die.
it's always hard to realize what gets left behind.. to look back and see the only thing you wanted is lost.. and is still missing even though sometimes you feel like you are on the right track but then u end up getting lost again. and u run into traps that lead u into the wrong direction but then u find ur way back to the path of life and u keep on trekking but now youre tied.. which way to go then u look back and remember where you come from and why you started the journey in the first place.
weird.. i remember exactly a year ago, and specifically a certain conversation that changed my life
I've been scarred for life, it really sucks
so emotionally tied to something that i shouldnt be.. i need to move on but its impossible. I'm afraid of change.
But im excited to see what next year has in store for me.. maybe i will find the rest of the way on this path.. im stuck in mud, calling for help.. and only one person can help me.. im not ready to admit that to them yet.. or anyone
now that i know what this year has brought me.. i don't think i would trade it for anything else.. everything panned out. i have what i need in life.. and im not looking for anything else. unless it comes to me. the only thing i want to change now.. is to just become a better person.
well thats my lj update. its been a really long time.