For snakes in my shoes, a walking sleep and my youth.....

[sekzigoddess87]

I just want to forget about him.....why can't I escape him? Everywhere I go, everything I do, everyone I see reminds me of him. I try to put on a brave face and go through my day like it's not eating away at me inside. Instead of thinking about him like he's perfect, I chanel thinking about him into anger. I use that anger to flirt with practically every guy I see and not give a shit what it leads to. It could lead to nothing, it could lead to everything. I don't even care. I'm pretty much up for anything at the moment. It's only because I just want to forget about him so badly and I need something or someone to get him off my mind. I know that's bad and I would be using someone. :sigh: I'd do anything just to stop thinking about him for 5 seconds. To have everyone always ask about him or mention him. It's a constant fuckin reminder of everything that went wrong. To look Chris in the face everyday and know that if I had not taken the plunge, none of this would have ever happened. I'm in awe that he's still speaking to me at this point. To flirt with another guy and forcing myself to try and feel some sort of emotion, but all I feel is numbness, like my heart is numb or something. News flash, I may seem like I like a million other guys right now but I think I just like the idea of liking a million guys right now. I like the idea of making him insanely jealous so he'll realize what he's missing, even though I know he won't. I just don't understand why i'm suffering to this extent. I knew I would be suffering, but if I had known it would have resulted in me losing him from my life, I would have never done it. It's the worst kind of pain i've ever felt. I keep telling myself that I don't need him, that I can live without him and be happy in another relationship. I'm virtually trying to brainwash myself into believing this garbage, kinda like reality television. I look at myself in the mirror everyday and think "damn, i'm hot on the outside but i'm hideous on the inside." HAHA. Okay, so maybe not exactly that but you catch my drift. Maybe going down the shore today with my parents and sister will help get my mind off him a bit. Yeah, and maybe pigs will fly out of my ass too.

::THIS WEEKEND::

DOWN THE SHORE!