Abduction 13: "Stand."
Day 17: 2:04 PM - Belal's Quarters; The Box]
[NOTE: This thread picks up from HERE ( Abduction Arc) and HERE ( Rescue Mission).]
( But it's hard to stand while the ground is moving. )
[NOTE: This thread picks up from HERE ( Abduction Arc) and HERE ( Rescue Mission).]
( But it's hard to stand while the ground is moving. )
No one is there. No one . . .
But then he hears the distinctive 'thunk' of one of the locks hitting the side of the box heavily. The sound is entirely too familiar. It means Light. And Sound. And Touch. And that human's gentle voice making promise that he won't keep and pulling him out--muscles straining and stretching and the cold, cold, fresh air . . . Conrad tenses, cringing back with a whimper.
It hurts inside the box. But coming out hurts worse.
The box shivers around him the half demon mimics the motion, impossibly trying to make himself smaller.
Then comes the cry and for a terrible, terrible moment the captive feels as though his heart has finally burst inside his chest, the broken shards cutting his insides to ribbons.
That voice . . . Conrad knows that voice. He's heard that voice cry out before in both ecstasy and pain and joy and anger. He knows--
"Yozak?"
The brunet's voice sounds tiny--so small that he himself can barely hear it--and for an instant he doesn't even breathe, straining to hear any confirmation of his lover's presence.
This is a dream. Another terrible dream. O-or a trick. Because my Yozak is safe and at home and--
There is a soft 'thud' on the lid of the box, right where Conrad's bruised right shoulder is crushed against the lid. The prisoner imagines he can feel heat there and the tears that he thought were gone come to his burning eyes.
"I'm here, captain." The murmur is a soft caress of sound, barely heard through the unyielding wood.
No . . .
"I am. And I'm so, so, so sorry..."
NO!
Shame eats through the man like acid, racing from the core of him out through his veins and into his limbs like a physical pain. Conrad shakes his throbbing head and squeezes his eyes shut, though it makes no difference in the darkness.
"No . . ." His right hand flutters anxiously, unable to find a place to rest. Abruptly he slams the heel of his hand against the wall directly in front of him and lets loose a howl of anguish. "LIARS!" His voice deserts him for a moment and he shakes violently, pounding on the side of the box before his finds it in him to hiss in a pained whisper: "You're not him! You're not! I'm his!"
Conrad goes limp and nearly strangles himself with a broken sob. "I'm his. "
Because that is all that's left. No matter what happens . . .
If Conrad still has that, then it will be okay . . . It will be okay . . . Because for just a little while Yozak had loved him.
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Conrad suddenly screams and shakes violently inside the box. "You're not him! You're not! I'm his!"
Yozak grips the two sides of the box to steady it, not moving away and not lifting his head. "Shhh. Stop, captain." He tries to stay strong, but his voice sounds weak and defeated to his ears-helpless. He feels about two inches tall. "Calm down, captain. Don't hurt yourself. You're not allowed to damage what you gave to me."
And neither is anyone else, Yozak thinks as a hot stab of anger tears through him, violently throwing aside grief and horror. Anger-pure, clean anger rises in him. He wants to dig his fingers into the wood and tear this horrible thing to pieces-
Don't touch. Don't. Don't. Don't. Get out. Leave. Go. Don't touch!
He exhales, feeling lightheaded. Whether it's from the emotions or simply a self-imposed lack of air, Yozak isn't sure.
But they do need to go. If Yozak is sure of anything, he's sure of that. Every second he stays here with his arms wrapped around the box, pretending he's holding Conrad instead of the harsh wood, puts them in greater danger. They can't be caught here. They need to stay alive and finish the mission. And he can't stand to stay here, give Conrad hope, and then just leave him in this terrible thing...
Better to pretend that he was never here at all.
"Calm down, captain," Yozak murmurs as he moves back. Pulling himself away from the box is like tearing off his own skin. The redhead bites his bleeding lip again as he slowly backs away, putting a good two feet between himself and the hideous device. He has to crawl backwards; he still has no feeling in his legs. "Shhh..."
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Yozak . . .
What a cruel trick to play on himself, to imagine that he feels those arms around him and can hear that strong, familiar heartbeat.
This is a dream . . . All a dream.
And yet even like this, he's not sure that he wants to wake up. Trapped, miserable, and a wall apart, having Yozak like this is better than having no Yozak at all.
You came . . . Even if it was only in his mind, no one else had come. There had been no dreams of rescue or heroics on his behalf. Only Yozak.
Conrad leans against slightly against the lid of the box, curling up in the imagined arms of that fantasy embrace, and cries softly. How did he still have water enough inside him to weep? "Don't leave me. Please don't leave me. Please. Please don't leave me. Please. Please don't leave me. Yozak, please don't leave me. Please . . ."
The word tumble out of his mouth, but even as he begs and pleads, the illusion of his lover flickers like a candle in the wind and the tears seem to fall faster and scorch his cheeks. "Please. Please . . . I'M SORRY!!"
A cruel, CRUEL trick of the mind . . . Unbearably cruel. Not even in a fantasy can he keep Yozak close. The redhead is probably so sickened . . . So disgusted . . .
"Please! Please! I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!" I'll do better next time! I won't make you so ashamed! I'm sorry! I won't wreck it all again! Just . . . "Don't leave! Please! I'll stay in the box! Just please don't go!" Tears slip down his cheeks and land on his chest and bare thighs. " Please . . ."
But he's going and Conrad knows it. Why on Earth would he stay?
The brunet can't move and can't breathe and can't even scream anymore, but still . . . "Please . . ." He can beg.
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Then Conrad starts to beg, and Yozak's heart breaks.
"Shh, Conrad," Yozak whispers, even as he feels the prickling of tears gathering around his eyes. "You're..."
He needs to stop talking. Talking makes backing away even harder, but he needs to talk, to offer some kind of comfort. He knows he has to go, but he can't just leave Conrad like this...
...of course....he can always go get his lock pick from Anissina. He can pick the lock and get Conrad out, of course, and it would be easy, they could all three of them wait together and kill the bastard king when he came back to check on his prize, or hold him for ransom, or dress Conrad in something and slip out as if he was part of their little group, or, or-
Suddenly, Yozak backs into the doorframe and can go no further.
It's time to stop waffling for real: the lieutenant or the lover.
He can choose to be the lieutenant: force his legs into submission; stand up tall, and leave. It's the hard path. But it would ensure his safety and Anissina's safety-and most likely the success for the entire mission;
Or he can choose to be the lover: crawl to Anissina and get his lock pick, let Conrad out, and lie in wait with them until Belal comes back. It's the easy path. There's no guarantee of anyone's safety. They will have no back-up. They might all die.
But it would be so easy to pick these locks...
"It's always harder to do the right thing, Yozak, but it's always worth it."
Damn you, Chichioya. Why did you have to be right about that, of all things?
Yozak has to use the wall to support himself as he slowly stands up. His legs are still numb, but it doesn't matter to him anymore: he IS going to walk out of here. His legs could be broken, for all he cares. He's going to walk all the same.
"I'll come back, Conrad. I promise," Yozak whispers, hoping Conrad can't actually hear him. He wants to say something else, but it seems cruel to say good-bye. This is far from over, after all.
So, after a moment of hesitation, he starts to sing it instead.
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Come lift up your voices in chorus with mine
Let us drink and be merry, all grief to refrain
For we may or might never all meet here again.
"So here's a health to the company, and one to my lass
Let us drink and be merry all out of one glass
Let us drink and be merry, all grief to refrain
For we may and might never all meet here again."
Yozak's voice is low and sad and weak as he sings. He's not doing the song justice-it's supposed to be an optimistic song, damn it-but he doesn't care. It's not the oldest drinking song that Yozak knows, or his favorite, but it's significant: it was one of the happier songs that he and his platoon sang the night before Ruttenberg. He just hopes Conrad remembers that-and then writes off this whole encounter as a dream of older times.
What's the point of being the strong lieutenant if my captain thinks I'm deserting him?
"Here's a health to the wee lass that I love so well
Her style and her beauty, sure none can excel
There's a smile on her countenance as she sits on my knee
Sure there's no one in the wide world as happy as we.
"Here's a health to the company and one to my lass
Let us drink and be merry all out of one glass
Let us drink and be merry, all grief to refrain
For we may and might never all meet here again."
The splintered wood of the doorframe bites at Yozak's fingers as he backs out of the horrible room, holding on to the ruined doorway for support. His legs are still heavy, but his fingers seem light and full of energy; they're itching for action. He twists his hands in his apron instead of reaching for another lock pick. He must stay calm, after all...must stay under control...must keep singing so that he doesn't scream at the top of his lungs and bring the entire palace guard down on them...
"Our ship lies at harbor, she's ready to dock
I wish her safe landing without any shock
If ever I should meet you by land or by sea
I will always remember your kindness to me.
"So here's a health to the company and one to my lass
Let us drink and be merry all out of one glass
Let us drink and be merry, all grief to refrain
For we may and might never all meet here again..."
The last word ends in a whisper as the redhead rounds the corner and presses himself against the wall. He can still hear Conrad in the other room. If Anissina is saying anything, it's lost in the buzzing that's rapidly filling his ears.
Yozak cups his hand around his face, hiding his shame as a few tears finally slip down his cheeks.
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Julia left him. And Yuuri. And now Yozak.
What is the point of any of this? Why . . .
Then he hears music. It sounds sad and broken and strangely reluctant and something in the distant sound gives the brunet pause.
. . . Oh . . .
He knows that song. Conrad's eyes flutter open and then closed sadly. He understands. Oh . . . Yozak . . .
Maybe this really is goodbye then? Time to let go?
Yozak doesn't want to leave, though. And if Conrad could have, he would have reached out and clung to the man and never let go no matter what happened.
"Sometimes, you don't get a choice about being brave. Sometimes, you just have to do it because there are no other options." He had told Gregor that that night . . . That long, sad night . . . All of them . . . A hundred men in the mess hall . . . All drinking and prepared to die . . .
Should I be ready to die now?
But Yozak had told him not to.
Itai.
"Don't hurt yourself. You're not allowed to damage what you gave to me..."
I don't want to die. Not here. Not like this. Not alone.
He feels lost. Yozak, I'm lost . . . And his lips unconsciously form the words, singing in a sad, wasted voice devoid of strength:
"Our ship lies at harbor, she's ready to dock
I wish her safe landing without any shock
If ever I should meet you by land or by sea
I will always remember your kindness to me.
"So here's a health to the company and one to my lass
Let us drink and be merry all out of one glass
Let us drink and be merry, all grief to refrain
For we may and might never all meet here again..."
But Yozak is singing with him. And when the song ends, Conrad stops. He is alone again. All alone.
He closes his eyes and is still and quiet, unsure if he's preparing to wake up or go back to sleep.
The hunger and thirst still tear at him, but they seem like distant things.
So close . . . He'd been so close . . .
Close to death. Close to Yozak. Close . . .
"Get back up and try again, boy!"
That was what his father had always said every time Conrad had stumbled or faltered. "Conrart, get back up and try again."
I'm trying. I'm trying.
But the captive is no longer even sure what he is attempting to do anymore and it's too hard to concentrate on anything but the struggle itself. He cannot fight because he cannot find the enemy. He cannot resist because he cannot comprehend the forces against him.
All he can do is wait for the next blow and then try to stand again and pretend it didn't hurt.
" Calm down, captain. Don't hurt yourself. You're not allowed to damage what you gave to me... "
. . . Yozak . . .
His joints scream. His muscles ache and burn.
Yozak . . . Please . . . I'm trying . . .
But it's hard . . . It's hard to stand while the ground is moving.
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His hands are trembling and his teeth are clenched so tightly shut that he feels like they're about to crack. There's an annoying buzzing in his ears. He still doesn't fully trust his legs.
Yozak closes his eyes and does nothing but take deep, measured breaths for a few minutes. He can still hear Conrad in the other room, but he blocks the sound out. He wipes the tears off of his face with a disgusted sound and blocks it all out.
He's made his choice: he is a lieutenant now. Not a lover and not a good man. No more waffling. The final stages of the rescue are forming in his head and he can't let his personal feelings get in the way any longer. He knows know what he has to do.
Yozak swallows his tears, his bitterness, his love and his hate. He locks all of personal feelings for this mission deep inside of himself for the time being. They have no place here and have done nothing but cripple his progress. He has no more patience for them or the follies that they bring. He does not need hate or fear or anger or love. He needs strength now more than anything.
Gods, I'll fight this battle all alone, but make me strong...
It takes a minute to fix his make-up. There are no mirrors in the bedroom, and Yozak won't go back into the study. He uses the window to help him wipe away the smudged rouge and dab up the blood on his lips. Gods, what a sight he is.
After a long moment of gathering his wits and fixing his face, Yozak leaves the bedroom. Anissina is waiting just outside in the sitting room; he stops next to her. His face is very calm.
"Fancy a bonfire?"
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