New start... again...
Okay... I don't know if it's gonna be really useful, but I try to start again from nothing...
I thought a lot and I burnt and deleted everything I ever wrote. From fanfics to original stories, I didn't kept a single word. There were pages and pages... I don't know how many of them... just years of work, thought, imagination, tears...
But I don't regret it. Without realising it, I had myself shut up in the fanfiction world where litterary expectations are so limited and an interesting scenario seems most of the time superfluous.
I want to do more than that, because if you don't always aim higher there's not a lot left to do in this life.
But and despite what I thought, maybe I'm not ready yet. I probably need to read even more, or just have someone to write for. I don't really know.
I also cleaned all my contacts. A lot of people who didn't bring me anything and for most of them were relying on me, just because I don't know how to say "no"... I could bear with it in the past, but I'm not that strong anymore, or maybe I just understood that they were the ones that kept me locked up in a narrow creative pattern and that I could refuse that situation.
I didn't give explanations, because it is not so important for them. And explanations would require for me to explain things that I don't really want or can explain even to myself. I probably cried more than any of them, but it doesn't matter. I feel like I've just lost a lot of weight from my shoulders.
It is not enough of course... It hasn't been enough for... I'm almost scared to count... probably more than ten years...
But it's okay. As long as I can do what the others expect me to do, or as long as I can give to people who don't expect anything from me and find again the pleasure of a genuine good deed, or simply as long as I can wait a bit more, it's okay.
I'm really too tired at the moment. It's not the first time, but it doesn't make it easier. I still wonder so much, have so many questions in my end, all the time, problably worse when I try to sleep, no matter how tired I am... plus all the oh so realistic problems added to my just a bit complicated life...
But there's the music... and that's all I want... that's all I ever wanted... because as long as the music's there, the rest is unimportant, isn't it?
At the end, it's all that's left... Melodies, voices, lyrics... Music... is it really too much to ask for the universe to reduce itself to its most beautiful expression?
Music
I thought a lot and I burnt and deleted everything I ever wrote. From fanfics to original stories, I didn't kept a single word. There were pages and pages... I don't know how many of them... just years of work, thought, imagination, tears...
But I don't regret it. Without realising it, I had myself shut up in the fanfiction world where litterary expectations are so limited and an interesting scenario seems most of the time superfluous.
I want to do more than that, because if you don't always aim higher there's not a lot left to do in this life.
But and despite what I thought, maybe I'm not ready yet. I probably need to read even more, or just have someone to write for. I don't really know.
I also cleaned all my contacts. A lot of people who didn't bring me anything and for most of them were relying on me, just because I don't know how to say "no"... I could bear with it in the past, but I'm not that strong anymore, or maybe I just understood that they were the ones that kept me locked up in a narrow creative pattern and that I could refuse that situation.
I didn't give explanations, because it is not so important for them. And explanations would require for me to explain things that I don't really want or can explain even to myself. I probably cried more than any of them, but it doesn't matter. I feel like I've just lost a lot of weight from my shoulders.
It is not enough of course... It hasn't been enough for... I'm almost scared to count... probably more than ten years...
But it's okay. As long as I can do what the others expect me to do, or as long as I can give to people who don't expect anything from me and find again the pleasure of a genuine good deed, or simply as long as I can wait a bit more, it's okay.
I'm really too tired at the moment. It's not the first time, but it doesn't make it easier. I still wonder so much, have so many questions in my end, all the time, problably worse when I try to sleep, no matter how tired I am... plus all the oh so realistic problems added to my just a bit complicated life...
But there's the music... and that's all I want... that's all I ever wanted... because as long as the music's there, the rest is unimportant, isn't it?
At the end, it's all that's left... Melodies, voices, lyrics... Music... is it really too much to ask for the universe to reduce itself to its most beautiful expression?
Music