(no subject)
last summer
i don't think anyone else really knew what i was doing. i was living in a sober/transitional house because the past about two years i had been using oxycontin, went to rehab, and ended up living here trying to stop doing drugs. i had been snorting 160mg almost everyday and my want for more increased. hanging out with andrew(a sober house member) and doing that a couple times, but then deciding we want to stop. so i try to stop. but there are two big problems. i have a big black space inside of me that wants to be filled with instant goodness as much as possible. and when you start using opiates, you have to keep using them or you will withdrawal. the point was the be on drugs all the time. not just drugs. i didn't like mushrooms and dxm or alcohol even. oxycontin was my love. then i met another guy who moved into this "sober house." and he was able to help me. i'd smoked and snorted heroin before, but was looking for help i guess cause shooting heroin was foreign to me and i wanted to learn.
so here's how it goes, the anxiety filled process that will leave you worse off than before. you mix the heroin with water MAKE SURE IT DOESN'T SPILL. heat it up, put the cotton in, soak it up into your syringe, DON'T SPILL IT. ok now it's safe in a little container and somehow we've got to get it under my skin and in a vein. what? oh yes. practice makes perfect. the first time i saw my blood mix with the heroin and then get pushed into that vein was um incredible. you feel a warmth at the back of your neck and then your whole body and it's a GIANT confidence boost. you feel like all is okay now. not even that. all is okay and you are the most laid back confident person ever to walk out of the nasty corner you were just sitting in. if the dope is good, it'll last hours. after the energy boost at the beginning, you turn sleepy and lethargic. i remember sitting on dexter's couch each night nodding out, hearing voices like who is she, she always sleeps, etc. and i'd just pretend that's normal. with my womanly body/extra fat on my bones, my body became a pincushion trying to find veins. you stick the needle in move it around waiting for blood to come shooting up into the syringe. my veins retreated further from my skin and after 20 minutes of trying to inject this stuff into yourself you're fed up and it fucking hurts. if you push the heroin in your skin and not a vein, it hurts like fucking hell. but if you can't find a vein, you're not just going to give up. you'll push it in anyway as long as it gets in your body. so first my right inside elbow became infected, swollen, painful to move. it eventually went away after a week i guess. then my left inside elbow. fucking shit. it swelled up, i got a really high temperature, went to a needle exchange after a couple days and they told me to go to the hospital that day. i think it was later that night i went to the hospital. they took me right in to the emergency room saw my arm, did some scans and tests, declared i had a staph infection and an abscess under my skin and surgery was scheduled for a couple days later. i spent 8 days in the hospital, but i like hospitals(or did then) i had a huge chunk taken out of my elbow and the nurses had to fill it with gauze. it was crazy. they gave me pain medication and i did not have withdrawals thankfully.
i kinda wish i could write my book. upper middle class white girl turns to a 25 year old homeless heroin addict. and who knows what will happen in the years to come. i write so badly, but i have more i want to tell. somehow i guess this all was supposed to happen and maybe i'll find out the reason. but thats what my life was. now i'm going to a methadone clinic, i haven't used heroin in lots of months. i don't think about using heroin, but i think about staying away from it. i feel like i did horrible things while being actively addicted and am waiting for the payback. like people knowing about my drug use and deciding i'm a bad person who they should avoid and talk shit about. i'm done with hurting people and it's a big effort not to sabotage or hurt myself, but i'm still alive.
please reply if you have anything to say or ask.
i don't think anyone else really knew what i was doing. i was living in a sober/transitional house because the past about two years i had been using oxycontin, went to rehab, and ended up living here trying to stop doing drugs. i had been snorting 160mg almost everyday and my want for more increased. hanging out with andrew(a sober house member) and doing that a couple times, but then deciding we want to stop. so i try to stop. but there are two big problems. i have a big black space inside of me that wants to be filled with instant goodness as much as possible. and when you start using opiates, you have to keep using them or you will withdrawal. the point was the be on drugs all the time. not just drugs. i didn't like mushrooms and dxm or alcohol even. oxycontin was my love. then i met another guy who moved into this "sober house." and he was able to help me. i'd smoked and snorted heroin before, but was looking for help i guess cause shooting heroin was foreign to me and i wanted to learn.
so here's how it goes, the anxiety filled process that will leave you worse off than before. you mix the heroin with water MAKE SURE IT DOESN'T SPILL. heat it up, put the cotton in, soak it up into your syringe, DON'T SPILL IT. ok now it's safe in a little container and somehow we've got to get it under my skin and in a vein. what? oh yes. practice makes perfect. the first time i saw my blood mix with the heroin and then get pushed into that vein was um incredible. you feel a warmth at the back of your neck and then your whole body and it's a GIANT confidence boost. you feel like all is okay now. not even that. all is okay and you are the most laid back confident person ever to walk out of the nasty corner you were just sitting in. if the dope is good, it'll last hours. after the energy boost at the beginning, you turn sleepy and lethargic. i remember sitting on dexter's couch each night nodding out, hearing voices like who is she, she always sleeps, etc. and i'd just pretend that's normal. with my womanly body/extra fat on my bones, my body became a pincushion trying to find veins. you stick the needle in move it around waiting for blood to come shooting up into the syringe. my veins retreated further from my skin and after 20 minutes of trying to inject this stuff into yourself you're fed up and it fucking hurts. if you push the heroin in your skin and not a vein, it hurts like fucking hell. but if you can't find a vein, you're not just going to give up. you'll push it in anyway as long as it gets in your body. so first my right inside elbow became infected, swollen, painful to move. it eventually went away after a week i guess. then my left inside elbow. fucking shit. it swelled up, i got a really high temperature, went to a needle exchange after a couple days and they told me to go to the hospital that day. i think it was later that night i went to the hospital. they took me right in to the emergency room saw my arm, did some scans and tests, declared i had a staph infection and an abscess under my skin and surgery was scheduled for a couple days later. i spent 8 days in the hospital, but i like hospitals(or did then) i had a huge chunk taken out of my elbow and the nurses had to fill it with gauze. it was crazy. they gave me pain medication and i did not have withdrawals thankfully.
i kinda wish i could write my book. upper middle class white girl turns to a 25 year old homeless heroin addict. and who knows what will happen in the years to come. i write so badly, but i have more i want to tell. somehow i guess this all was supposed to happen and maybe i'll find out the reason. but thats what my life was. now i'm going to a methadone clinic, i haven't used heroin in lots of months. i don't think about using heroin, but i think about staying away from it. i feel like i did horrible things while being actively addicted and am waiting for the payback. like people knowing about my drug use and deciding i'm a bad person who they should avoid and talk shit about. i'm done with hurting people and it's a big effort not to sabotage or hurt myself, but i'm still alive.
please reply if you have anything to say or ask.