Translation of SZBH (Kamiya Hiroshi & Shintani Ryoko) PART 1
Here are some translations of the web radio show SZBH(Sayonara Zetsubou Housou), hosted by Kamiya Hiroshi and Shintani Ryoko.
All the episodes can be downloaded here.
Translation Part 2 here.
SZBH 01
(22:50)
Ryoko: (Mail from a listener) I found a gay magazine when I visited my friend's place, what should I do?
Kamiya: Hmm.
R: Is this person a guy or a girl? (Assuming both the person who sent the mail and his friend are guys) If it is a guy, he can just "get excited together" with his friend.
K: You mean physically?
R: Wait!!! Noooooo!!!
K: As in "body-binding"?
R: I mean mentally!!
K: You mean they can get excited about the magazine together?
R: Yeah like, "I have last month's issue!" But I haven't seen a gay magazine before.
K: Me neither.
R: What is in a gay magazine? Naked guys?
K: What else.
R: No way!
K: But it won't be all pretty-looking guys. Some people like macho guys, some like chubby guys. So it will be chubby guys.....naked. Gay magazines have genre too. Depends on what you like: Macho, bishonen, chubby.
R: If it is bishonen type I want to see.
K: If you say stuff like that, someone might send it here.
R: Ah! No, I don't want see! Please send it to Kamiya-san's management office.
K: Don't!
SZBH 02
SZBH 03
(9:25)
K: (Mail) What does SZBH stand for?
K: What can it be?
R: Sugoi Zeta Bikkuri House.
(After some struggles to think of a good word that starts with Z....)
K: Isn't it Zetsubou?!
R: You are so smart!!!
K: Saikou Zetsubou Boys-love H. (Saikou=fantastic Zetsubou=despair)
R: Wait!!!
K: I'm praising it(>saikou) and then bashing it(>zetsubou).
R: How about "Boys Hug"?
K: But why "Saikou Zetsubou" are in Japanese, and "Boys Hug" are in English?
R: "Boys-love" is English too.
K: Anyway I don't think SZBH means "Sayonara ZetsuBou Housou".
R: Yeah, it is "Saikou Zetsubou Boys Hug".
(12:25)
R: A mail from Zetsubou-name "U-ho!"-san.
K: What a man!
R: (Mail) You mentioned gay magazines in episode 1, I am Gachi-homo(i.e.real gay, outright gay, strict gay with no interest in women, possibly macho and blessed with dense bodyhair) so please let me explain. There are 3 gay magazines: BADI（バディ） is for normal body shape , G-men（ジーメン) is for Gachi-Muchi(macho/butch) wrestler-type body shape, while SAMSON（サムソン） specialised in fat and old. There are gravure idol photos, erotic novels, erotic manga....but half of the magazines are just advertisements for Sukebe(porn) video or adult shops. If you want to try reading it, I recommend BADI. But it is going to hurt if you are thinking BL.
(After some silly talk about how SAMSON sounds like SAMSUNG.)
(14:25)
K: Barazoku(薔薇族) stopped publishing.
R: I heard about it too.
K: It is a very old (gay) magazine. When it stopped publishing, there was a "special feature" about it....and I saw it.
R: Oh.....
K: Not the magazine Barazoku!!
R: No?
K: Not the magazine Barazoku, but the special feature in a magazine or TV program about Barazoku!
R: Kamiya-san, the more you explain, the more it sounds like a lie.
SZBH 04
(29:00)
R: (Mail) My girlfriend is a fujoshi. When I asked her if I am a uke or a seme, with a serious look on her face she said, "Let me think about it." After one week her answer was "Sasoi-uke"(seducing uke) or "Hetare-zeme"(useless/whiny seme).
K: Btw, which one do you think I am?
R: Eh?!! DoS!!! (outright sadist)
K: Not "S"!! I'm asking about uke or seme!!
R: Not sure about what your fans think, but from what I'm seeing....seme? But then I haven't seen you talking with other male seiyuus before so I don't know. It depends, you know.
K: So I should wait for your answer too.
R: Let me see how you talk to other male seiyuus. So far I've only seen Daichu-san and Nakamura-san, and you seem "seme" when you talk to them.
K: Isn't it because I'm their senpai?
R: Not just that....hmm Kamiya-san's fans may go "Kamiya-san is kawaii so he is uke!"....But anyway I don't think you are hetare-zeme.
K: Well, work-wise I am at the bottom [of the BL food chain].
SZBH 05
SZBH 06
(33:40)
Tanii Asuka: (Mail) Kamiya-san, you are perfect for the role Zetsubou-sensei. It is moe for me.....
K: (using his nicest voice) Thank you.
Asuka: (giggles) (Mail) However, the voice Kamiya-san is using will not make Zetsubou-sensei the "sou-uke"(uke to everyone). Please release your uke-pheromone properly.
K: What does it mean? What does it mean? Zetsubou-sensei has to be uke? And my voice for him is not uke? I just wasted my "thank you".
R: Haha, and you used your good voice too.
K: ISN'T IT A BIT RUDE??!!!
R: Special Program!! Is Kamiya-san Uke or Seme? From the mails we received, let us discuss which side is Kamiya-san on.
K: I don't care.....
R: (Mail) Voice-wise, Kamiya-san is uke. Look-wise, he is a bit kawaii so he is uke also.
K: Don't like the "a bit".
R&A: Kawaii??
K: Do we need a Special Program for this kind of content?
R: If you don't think about personality, yeah kawaii.
A: You mean omit [the personality]?
R: Kamiya-san can be scary! Well he is nice to Asuka-chan.
K: Hey I am nice.
A: (Mail) Because he is DoS, he should be Kichiku-zeme(cold perverted seme). Voice-alone, he is elegant so Sasoi-uke(seducing uke).
K: "Voice-alone"?
R: So personality-wise he is Kichiku-zeme.
K: Well that means look-wise I'm not that appealing.
R: "Elegant".....
A: Kamiya-san is elegant.
R: You are elegant, right? Kamiya-san!
K: Yeah right.
R: But why "because he is DoS so he should be Kichiku-zeme". (frustrated) Well, whatever you say!
K: (frustrated) Whatever! I don't care.
R: (Mail) Kamiya-san is Tsundere-uke.
After some talk about Yan-dere(Yanderu=is sick, dere=shy)...
R: Kamiya-san is Tsundere so when it is just two of them alone, he will be very "dere". And he is also uke.
A: Taihen!
R&A: Sugoi!
K: I can play the spoiled baby too.
A: (Mail) Definitely Osoi-uke(attacking-uke).
R: Osoi-uke sounds ambiguous. Seme first, and then uke?
A: Ah~
K: ...................
R: Sasoi-uke approaches from below while Osoi-uke looks down from above?
K: ...................
R: Kamiya-san is getting fed up. Last one! (Mail) One vote for uke-queen!!
K: A Special Program for this kind of content?
R&A: Queen??????
K: Isn't it a bit rude?! What kind of voice should I use then? (SE: Bang!) You're saying someone else is better, right?! (SE: Smash!) Someone with a uke-voice should do it instead of me then!! (SE: Ouch!!) Right, I'm not doing Zetsubou-sensei anymore........which is a lie.
R: Hahaha!! He is back!! Finally he is back!
K: This is saddening.
R: But the mail said "you are perfect for the role and it is moe".
K: Perfect but he must be uke, right?
R: For Zetsubou-sensei.
K: And my voice is not uke, according to the mail.
R: I think it is more moe for Sensei to be seme.....sorry I'm smirking!! I just imagined all these things....
K: If there is a sequel, I will pay more attention to it. I’ll use more uke-ish voice.
R: What is a voice with uke-pheromone like?
K: I don't know..........more breathy?
R: But pheromone is not about the tone of the voice, right?
K: (breathy voice) Hitou-san~~~
R: Ahahaha!!!!
A: No~~~~
K: I'm in despair~~~~
R: No!!!!!!!
K: Sounds a little uke-ish?
K: Minna-san~~~
K: Let's meet again in~~~
K: Akiba~~~
K: or Otome-Road~~~
K: or Nakano Broadway~~~
R: You sound like a grandpa!
A: (laugh) I'm dying!
K: I'm dying!
SZBH 07
(19:00)
K: (Mail) DESPAIR!! No one chatted me up when I walked in 2-chome!! Well it is okay, I am straight anyway. BUT I FEEL A LITTLE SAD!!!
R: Guys get picked up when they walk in Shinjuku-2-chome(gay scene)?
K: It is hattenba(=a spot where gay people pick up guys).
R: Hattenba? Sounds very shouwa(old,retro,outdated).
K: I heard that Tokyo's 2-chome is sugoi. For this kind of people, 2-chome is like paradise. It has everything. For example, there are people who like bishonen, or chubby, and 2-chome has every kind.
R: Everyone goes there?
K: Yeah, it is like a theme park.
R: You can get anything you want there?
K: In other countries, usually one spot is specialised in only one type [of gay people], but Tokyo is different.
R: Really. What if a girl goes there?
K: Probably not a big deal?
R: Won't get cold stares?
K: I don't think so.
R: Is there a spot for girls(lesbian) then?
K: What do you mean? You want to go?
R: There isn't? Say, 3-chome?
K: Shintani-san, you just got yourself dirtier again.
Request from listeners to have Kamiya scold them using the phrase they specify.
(21:50)
R: Request for DoS Kamiya-san.
K: "You spoiled bastard! Stop surfing the net and go study!!!"
K: "Baka Baka! You Otaku bastard!!"
SZBH 08
SZBH 09
(7:40)
R: Mail from Zetsubou-name "U-ho!"-san.
K: What a man!
R: (Mail) Shintani-san seems to be interested in 2-chome so I'm sending this mail. There are Lesbian bars in 2-chome too. Also sight-seeing bars, and gay bars that are female-okay. If you are interested, I can take you around. Btw, I am a cherry boy but I am not a virgin. (BGM turned silent) I forgot to mention, for Kamiya-san, I like his voice. But his look is not my type.
K: Err.............hehhh. So there are lesbian bars.
R: Sugoi! Want to go!
K: There are quite a lot people in the industry who know the way round 2-chome.
R: I think so! Everyone seems to be going there often!
K: Not going there because of certain "preference" but going there to enjoy the bars.
R: Sometimes they ask me to go to a okama(transvestite) bar with them but I can't really talk with people I don't know.
K: Me too.
(9:15)
K: But apparently it is very sugoi.
R: What is?!
K: "Mama" who works in a Okama bar can really joke about anything. There is a Mama who likes this male seiyuu, and one time when "she" knew in advance that he was coming, she was like, "I've been waiting for you~" while preparing his drink. But the stirring "rod" in the glass looked exactly like a.......err.......vi(censor)tor. Hahahahaha!!!!
R: I can never go there!!!
K: So the night started with "You!!! Is it used?!! Is it unused?!! I am not drinking that!!!!!"
R: No way!!!
K: Surly it was just a joke! (Okama-style) "I've been waiting for you. There you are~" and then pass you the drink.
R: (Panic) I can't handle this kind of jokes!!
K: I don't think they will go that far to girls. Well I've never been there so I don't know. btw, I wonder if this mail is from the same U-ho!-san from last time. The writing is slightly different. Maybe it has become the communal name for "this kind" of mails?
R: Everyone?!!
K: So maybe everyone will use Zetsubou-name "U-ho" for this kind of emails.
(17:30)
R: (Mail) Whenever I see a police car, even though I haven't done anything bad, I feel nervous. Don't say I'm normal!!
K: I can kinda relate to it.
R: Eh?! No way! Really?!
K: Like, "Damn! It's the police!!"
R: I'm the opposite. I'll try to look a little suspicious and hope that the police will notice me and go, "Hey!!!"
K: You can't do that!!!! Haha!!!
R: I want to be questioned by the police. I want to pretend like I'm all suspicious and nervous.
K: If you are a guy and you are walking alone in Shinjuku on a holiday, the police will come up to you.
R: Eh?!! Why???
K: I don't know. It's not allowed apparently. That happened to me a few times. I was told by the police, "Excuse me, we are questioning guys who are walking by themselves. Can I have a look at your bag??
R: Eh~~~~~?!!!!!
K: And I had a lot of BLCDs in my bag.
R: Ahahahah~~!!! Wah~~!! Wah~~!!
K: The "kan-pake"(completed packet, or sample CD). Police asked, "What is it?" I said, "It's work."
R: Just because you were carring a lot of CDs?
(18:55)
K: Maybe they thought I stole them? The CDs were not put inside any shop bags. I got them from my management office. Morikawa Toshiyuki-san gets questioned very often apparently.
R: He looks like the type who does!!!!
K: Maybe somewhere in Kabukicho(redlight district famous for its male host clubs), the police will stop him off, "Morikawa-san, wait." So the police knows his name!
R: If the police knows his name, there is no need to stop him!!
K: Well Morikawa-san does have a suspicious look.
SZBH 10
SZBH 11
SZBH 12
Scolding lines requested by the listeners.
(41:00)
K: Repeat after me.
K: "Why are you listening to Aniraji(anime radio) on Tuesday afternoon!! You lazy butt!!"
Kobayashi Yuu: From a female listener. (Mail) I love Itoshiki-sensei and Kamiya-san.
R: "Stop day-dreaming!! You fujoshi!!"
Kobayashi Yuu: "You can’t even meet your deadline! What a worthless mangaka!! Too worthless to sue!!"
SZBH 13
(26:00)
R: (Mail) In a Kanji exam, for the question on the antonym of SEME, without one moment of hesitation I answered UKE, and ended up not getting full mark for it.
K: Stupid. So what is Seme's antonym?
R: Uke.
K: Wrong!!!
R: Fusegu!! Fusegu!! Fusegu!!(Defend)
K: It is Mamori(Protect)!! But this can be a test to check if someone is fujoshi or not.
R: If you want to "protect" yourself then you must be normal(=straight).
K: What are you talking about?!! Don't give me the look as if you don't know why you are wrong!!
R: But I will probably write the same answer.
K: It is wrong. There is a telephone in a studio and it has "Uke-only" written on it.
R: I want to see!!!!!
K: U-ho! people will probably get the wrong idea.
R: I will definitely take a photo and put in my blog!
K: (writing the name down) It is in this studio...
R: What?! I just went yesterday!! I want to see!!
K: (gives details of the phone's location to Ryoko) "Uke-only" is written on it. If someone says, "Look at this!!", then you should tell everyone "It doesn't mean that!".
R: So only Uke can call from that phone? Or only Uke will pick up the phone if you call from there?
K: I told you, it doesn't mean that!!
(29:40)
R: Mail from Zetsubou-name Machi-pichu-picha-pichu-san. (Mail) Night after night, I edit my favourite scenes from all kinds of BLCDs....
K: What?
R: ....(Mail) and all of them turned out to be Kamiya-san’s uke work. I select the H-scenes only and put them in my ipod. The tracks in which Kamiya-san is moaning, have a play count of over 100....
K: You listen too much.
R: ....(Mail) you sound like you are feeling so good in them that my fatigue from the day is taken away if I listen to them before I sleep. Feel free to yell at me, "Fujoshi, behave yourself!"
K: (uke-ish breathy voice) Machi-pichu-picha-pichu-san~~~~~Thank you~~~~~~~
SZBH 13 "keitai" (cellphone) version
(5:15~)
"Kuma-uta"(Bear Song) is a playstation 2 game software where the player will be the teacher who teaches a bear how to sing "enka"(Japanese folk song). The enka written by the player is created by some high-tech voice synthesis system and is performed by the bear.
K: So I taught the bear in "kuma-ta" a lot of Gachi-Homo vocabs. Hahaha!!! I made it a Gachi-Homo enka singer. So it was singing like this, "Shinjuku~~2-chome~~Hattenba~~"
SZBH 14
SZBH 15
(32:30)
Guest: Daichu(=Mizushima Takahiro)
K: (Mail) Kamiya-san, among the seiyuu you co-act with in BL, is there someone who made you think, "If it is with him (I don’t mind)...."
R: This mail is from a guy, right?
K: btw, Daichu-san, is there someone?
Daichu: Eh?!
R: Exciting!
D: Why you suddenly asked me?!.....I haven’t appeared in BL work that much.
R: Chi! (complaining sound)
D: Why the “chi”?!
R: Didn’t say it! Didn’t say it!
D: It is okay you say it. I just don’t understand why!
K: Just ignore her.
D: I am uke, in all the BL I have done. So I just won’t think "if it is with him..." because that will mean "I want to have him", right?
R: Hahahahahahahaha!!!!
D: If "I want him!" is what "if it is with him...." means then I can’t decide.....
R: Hahahahahahahaha!!!!
K: Ryoko-chan is very happy.
R: Similar! We think similarly! ......Ah, but how about "if it is with him...."(as a uke).
D: That is.............ah, in all of them I was made love to(dakareru) by my senpai.
R: Wait! You are misleading! You are misleading in many ways!!
D: They took good care of me, my senpai.
R: Ahahahahaha!! Anything you say sounds crazy!!
D: In terms of acting, I just give myself to my senpai, so I don’t really go after them........oh this is not correct Japanese. How about Kamiya-san?
K: Anyone is fine. I don’t know what you're talking about but it is work! About "If it is with him...", I don’t mind co-acting with anyone, anywhere!
R: Shocked!! Anyone!! Anywhere!!
K: I’m not choosy about work.
D: You look so serious.
K: I don’t say things like "I won’t work with anyone but him." I respect everyone as everyone has great talents. I have never been choosy when it comes to work.
D: Shall I get angry now?
K: Why? What did you think this question meant?
D: WHY DID YOU PICK THIS MAIL?
K: Staff told me to read it.
D: LIAR!!! IT IS A LIE!!
SZBH 16
(15:15)
R: Mail from Zetsubou-name "U-ho!"-san.
K: (Mail) DESPAIR!! All the people who joined the fan gathering (hotspring) tour of the actor (censor)-san were "U-ho"!! I heard that the fanclub will be closed down!!
R: And at first I thought it was from the real thing("U-ho!"-san).......
K: Hahahaha!!!
R: This is despair!!
K: Okay, where shall I start......Say, we have "Mizushima Takahiro Fan Gathering Hotspring Tour". First we gather at Shinjuku Station. We get on the tour bus and head for Hakone. "Everybody please get on the bus!! Mizushima Takahiro-san has arrived!! Please clap to greet him!!" And then we find out that all the people in the bus are "U-ho!". So what will you do?
D: Err...... I’ll go, "What kind of tour am I going today?"
K: Everyone looks at you the "U-ho!" way and goes, "Make love to me!!!!", "Daichu, make love to me~~!!!!!"
D: The bus will probably make a stop in Shinagawa......
K: It doesn’t go to Shinagawa. It will get on the highway. There is NO ESCAPE.
D: Are we going to have all kinds of Game inside the bus?
K: Ga(y)me!!!
R: Hahahahahaha!!!
K: I won’t want to join in but I do want to see! Don’t you?
R: Sure I want to see from far.
K: What kind of fan gathering will it be? You are going into hotspring together......
R: And bonding with fans!!! Ahhhhhh!!!!!!!
D: Bonding in the bath.....
R: It might not only be "Make love to me!!"(uke). It could be "I’m making love to you!!"(seme)
K: It will be "I’m making love to you!!"
R: Very real!!! Despair!!!
K: The ultimate despair!!!
R: (Censor)-san should have lots of female fans?
K: Yeah as a guy, if I’m told "Kamiya-san, there will be a fan gathering tour", I will definitely go "Yeah!! Great!!". But as I get all excited and get on the bus and say, "Hello everyone!!!" and discover that everyone is "U-ho!"......I will go "Ah.........Hi!" and want to get off right away.
D: Really, I will probably ask "Is it really my bus? Is it really my tour?".
R: "The fanclub will be closed down"......but why didn’t the managers of the fanclub notice it? All the people who were joining the tour had guys’ names!! Why didn’t they stop the tour?
K: Sugoi.....I can talk about this alone for an hour. Sugoi. The ultimate despair!
Then Ryoko told the story where she had to shoot a video in a theme park, and somehow all the people in the theme park were "U-ho!" people. Apparently it happened to be the day of their gathering. So wherever the camera turned, it was U-ho! couples. She got on the roller-coaster, and the people sitting behind her were U-ho! too. ^^;;;
The actor they talked about is Sakaguchi Kenji. His photo here.
SZBH 17
SZBH 18
SZBH 19
SZBH 20
SZBH 21
SZBH 22
In a mail corner where you try to interpret something negative in a positve way.
(28:33)
R: (Mail) To you who said to me, "You Human Garbage!! ". Thank you for treating me as a "human".
K: (laughs)......yes, treating him as a human......(cries).......What kind of treatment is he getting everyday?......(cries).....
R: (cries) Wah~~~~ah~~~~I'm scared~~~~
K: (cries) Wah~~~~this one is hard to recover from~~~~
SZBH 23
SZBH 24
(25:30)
K: (in his ultimate uke-voice) "In this program, we'll introduce mails from our listeners that talk about how unfortunate, ah~~~, rather, how fortunate it is to be an otaku."
R: Zetsubou-name, "It sounds exactly like BOYS LOVE".
K: Hahaha~~~!!!!
R: What kind of timing is that?!! To send a mail with a Zetsubou-name like that!!!
A mail about Hikawa Hekiru sensei's "end card" or illustration shown at the end of the 3rd episode of Zoku Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei. Fujiyoshi Harumi(a fujoshi character) is holding a doujinshi with "Kamiya Sou-uke" (神谷総受け) or "Kamiya uke to everyone" written on it.
(28:15)
K: Hikawa Hekiru!! What the hell is that "end card"!!
R: How come Nami(Ryoko's character) is not in it?! It's fine with Kamiya-san. But why Nami is not in it?!
K: It's not fine!!!
R: What is not fine??
K: Why?! What is fine?
R: Sou-uke!!
K: What are you talking about?! Why is she holding that book? Who made that book?
R: Hikawa sensei. (Hikawa sensei is MALE)
K: I was shocked!
R: I was shocked!
K: I wrote a mail to him immediately. I wrote, "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT, HIKAWA HEKIRU?!!!!!!!!"
R: What was his reply?
K: "The television nowadays are amazing. People actually noticed it."
R: Hahaha!!
(31:54)
K: Minna-san, let's meet again in~~~
K: Akiba or Otome Road, Nakano Broadway~~~
K: Osaka's Nippon-bashi, Nagoya's Osu~~~
K: Kyoto's Teramachi, Fukuoka's Kitatenjin, Sapporo's Ibangai~~~
SZBH 25
SZBH 26
SZBH 27
SZBH 28
SZBH 29
(17:15)
K: (Mail) Despair!!!!!! When someone is casted in Gundam and Macross, he gets more chocolate(for Valentine's Day) than Roronoa Zoro(One Piece)!! Despair!!.......so, how about the "U-ho! rate"? Kamiya-san~~~!!!!!!
R: How is the ratio? Actually, how many did you receive in total? Excited! Excited!!
K: The number "502" which has been spread around is only an approximate. It's nowhere near accurate. In another radio program, I somehow ended up competing the total number of chocolate received with my senpai. That senpai phoned the manager responsible for that radio show and asked, (imitating his senpai) "So how many did Kamiya-kun get?!"
R: Sounds like him!! Haha!!
K: That manager is kinda loose and he said, "Ah, about 300. No actually, about 400. No actually, sugoi! About 500!"
R: Wahaha! Which is it?!
K: Every second it increased by a 100, according to what he said. Then after 3~4 days, the staff at the front desk said, "Ah, now two have just arrived." And that manager said, "Two have arrived so that makes it 502." And the story became like, "502?! You are unbelievable!!" That's how "02" got added and became 502.
R: The number sounds so real. I thought they counted it.
K: No one counted!! That manager didn't count.
R: I see. Approximate?
K: Approximate!
R: But it's still amazing.
K: I received the amount of chocolate for a lifetime. Thank you, minna-san!
(19:05)
R: How fortunate of you.................so what about U-ho! rate?
K: That's the problem. Normally even for a joke, you don't send it, right?
R: Well well.
K: Yeah? For example, if you get 1 or 2 among the 500, it's already amazing, right? I mean from U-ho! But there were about 10 to 20.
R: Hahaha!!!!!!!!! Really?!!
K: I was shocked.
R: Like "chocolate for one true love" kind?
K: No........"Delicious Rod" was in it.
R&K: Hahaha!!!!!
("Umaibou" or "delicious rod".)
R: Wait, that is.....eh????!!!!!!!
K: SALAMI FLAVOUR!!!!!
R: Terrible.....terrbile.....terrible......
K: Yeah.
R: "Uho!" doesn't disappoint!!
K: Yes.
R: Does things quite differently!!
K: Well yeah.
R: Comes at you from an unexpected angle!!
K: Well I'm grateful............haha.............
R: If you're grateful then that's a good thing! It's delicious.
K: SALAMI FLAVOUR!!!!!!!!
R: It's delicious!
K: A dirty joke which is rare for this show.
R: Terrible.......terrible.......too terrible......
SZBH 30
SZBH 31
SZBH 32
SZBH 33
SZBH 34
SZBH 35
SZBH 36
SZBH 37
SZBH 38
SZBH 39
SZBH 40
SZBH 41
SZBH 42
All the episodes can be downloaded here.
Translation Part 2 here.
SZBH 01
(22:50)
Ryoko: (Mail from a listener) I found a gay magazine when I visited my friend's place, what should I do?
Kamiya: Hmm.
R: Is this person a guy or a girl? (Assuming both the person who sent the mail and his friend are guys) If it is a guy, he can just "get excited together" with his friend.
K: You mean physically?
R: Wait!!! Noooooo!!!
K: As in "body-binding"?
R: I mean mentally!!
K: You mean they can get excited about the magazine together?
R: Yeah like, "I have last month's issue!" But I haven't seen a gay magazine before.
K: Me neither.
R: What is in a gay magazine? Naked guys?
K: What else.
R: No way!
K: But it won't be all pretty-looking guys. Some people like macho guys, some like chubby guys. So it will be chubby guys.....naked. Gay magazines have genre too. Depends on what you like: Macho, bishonen, chubby.
R: If it is bishonen type I want to see.
K: If you say stuff like that, someone might send it here.
R: Ah! No, I don't want see! Please send it to Kamiya-san's management office.
K: Don't!
SZBH 02
SZBH 03
(9:25)
K: (Mail) What does SZBH stand for?
K: What can it be?
R: Sugoi Zeta Bikkuri House.
(After some struggles to think of a good word that starts with Z....)
K: Isn't it Zetsubou?!
R: You are so smart!!!
K: Saikou Zetsubou Boys-love H. (Saikou=fantastic Zetsubou=despair)
R: Wait!!!
K: I'm praising it(>saikou) and then bashing it(>zetsubou).
R: How about "Boys Hug"?
K: But why "Saikou Zetsubou" are in Japanese, and "Boys Hug" are in English?
R: "Boys-love" is English too.
K: Anyway I don't think SZBH means "Sayonara ZetsuBou Housou".
R: Yeah, it is "Saikou Zetsubou Boys Hug".
(12:25)
R: A mail from Zetsubou-name "U-ho!"-san.
K: What a man!
R: (Mail) You mentioned gay magazines in episode 1, I am Gachi-homo(i.e.real gay, outright gay, strict gay with no interest in women, possibly macho and blessed with dense bodyhair) so please let me explain. There are 3 gay magazines: BADI（バディ） is for normal body shape , G-men（ジーメン) is for Gachi-Muchi(macho/butch) wrestler-type body shape, while SAMSON（サムソン） specialised in fat and old. There are gravure idol photos, erotic novels, erotic manga....but half of the magazines are just advertisements for Sukebe(porn) video or adult shops. If you want to try reading it, I recommend BADI. But it is going to hurt if you are thinking BL.
(After some silly talk about how SAMSON sounds like SAMSUNG.)
(14:25)
K: Barazoku(薔薇族) stopped publishing.
R: I heard about it too.
K: It is a very old (gay) magazine. When it stopped publishing, there was a "special feature" about it....and I saw it.
R: Oh.....
K: Not the magazine Barazoku!!
R: No?
K: Not the magazine Barazoku, but the special feature in a magazine or TV program about Barazoku!
R: Kamiya-san, the more you explain, the more it sounds like a lie.
SZBH 04
(29:00)
R: (Mail) My girlfriend is a fujoshi. When I asked her if I am a uke or a seme, with a serious look on her face she said, "Let me think about it." After one week her answer was "Sasoi-uke"(seducing uke) or "Hetare-zeme"(useless/whiny seme).
K: Btw, which one do you think I am?
R: Eh?!! DoS!!! (outright sadist)
K: Not "S"!! I'm asking about uke or seme!!
R: Not sure about what your fans think, but from what I'm seeing....seme? But then I haven't seen you talking with other male seiyuus before so I don't know. It depends, you know.
K: So I should wait for your answer too.
R: Let me see how you talk to other male seiyuus. So far I've only seen Daichu-san and Nakamura-san, and you seem "seme" when you talk to them.
K: Isn't it because I'm their senpai?
R: Not just that....hmm Kamiya-san's fans may go "Kamiya-san is kawaii so he is uke!"....But anyway I don't think you are hetare-zeme.
K: Well, work-wise I am at the bottom [of the BL food chain].
SZBH 05
SZBH 06
(33:40)
Tanii Asuka: (Mail) Kamiya-san, you are perfect for the role Zetsubou-sensei. It is moe for me.....
K: (using his nicest voice) Thank you.
Asuka: (giggles) (Mail) However, the voice Kamiya-san is using will not make Zetsubou-sensei the "sou-uke"(uke to everyone). Please release your uke-pheromone properly.
K: What does it mean? What does it mean? Zetsubou-sensei has to be uke? And my voice for him is not uke? I just wasted my "thank you".
R: Haha, and you used your good voice too.
K: ISN'T IT A BIT RUDE??!!!
R: Special Program!! Is Kamiya-san Uke or Seme? From the mails we received, let us discuss which side is Kamiya-san on.
K: I don't care.....
R: (Mail) Voice-wise, Kamiya-san is uke. Look-wise, he is a bit kawaii so he is uke also.
K: Don't like the "a bit".
R&A: Kawaii??
K: Do we need a Special Program for this kind of content?
R: If you don't think about personality, yeah kawaii.
A: You mean omit [the personality]?
R: Kamiya-san can be scary! Well he is nice to Asuka-chan.
K: Hey I am nice.
A: (Mail) Because he is DoS, he should be Kichiku-zeme(cold perverted seme). Voice-alone, he is elegant so Sasoi-uke(seducing uke).
K: "Voice-alone"?
R: So personality-wise he is Kichiku-zeme.
K: Well that means look-wise I'm not that appealing.
R: "Elegant".....
A: Kamiya-san is elegant.
R: You are elegant, right? Kamiya-san!
K: Yeah right.
R: But why "because he is DoS so he should be Kichiku-zeme". (frustrated) Well, whatever you say!
K: (frustrated) Whatever! I don't care.
R: (Mail) Kamiya-san is Tsundere-uke.
After some talk about Yan-dere(Yanderu=is sick, dere=shy)...
R: Kamiya-san is Tsundere so when it is just two of them alone, he will be very "dere". And he is also uke.
A: Taihen!
R&A: Sugoi!
K: I can play the spoiled baby too.
A: (Mail) Definitely Osoi-uke(attacking-uke).
R: Osoi-uke sounds ambiguous. Seme first, and then uke?
A: Ah~
K: ...................
R: Sasoi-uke approaches from below while Osoi-uke looks down from above?
K: ...................
R: Kamiya-san is getting fed up. Last one! (Mail) One vote for uke-queen!!
K: A Special Program for this kind of content?
R&A: Queen??????
K: Isn't it a bit rude?! What kind of voice should I use then? (SE: Bang!) You're saying someone else is better, right?! (SE: Smash!) Someone with a uke-voice should do it instead of me then!! (SE: Ouch!!) Right, I'm not doing Zetsubou-sensei anymore........which is a lie.
R: Hahaha!! He is back!! Finally he is back!
K: This is saddening.
R: But the mail said "you are perfect for the role and it is moe".
K: Perfect but he must be uke, right?
R: For Zetsubou-sensei.
K: And my voice is not uke, according to the mail.
R: I think it is more moe for Sensei to be seme.....sorry I'm smirking!! I just imagined all these things....
K: If there is a sequel, I will pay more attention to it. I’ll use more uke-ish voice.
R: What is a voice with uke-pheromone like?
K: I don't know..........more breathy?
R: But pheromone is not about the tone of the voice, right?
K: (breathy voice) Hitou-san~~~
R: Ahahaha!!!!
A: No~~~~
K: I'm in despair~~~~
R: No!!!!!!!
K: Sounds a little uke-ish?
K: Minna-san~~~
K: Let's meet again in~~~
K: Akiba~~~
K: or Otome-Road~~~
K: or Nakano Broadway~~~
R: You sound like a grandpa!
A: (laugh) I'm dying!
K: I'm dying!
SZBH 07
(19:00)
K: (Mail) DESPAIR!! No one chatted me up when I walked in 2-chome!! Well it is okay, I am straight anyway. BUT I FEEL A LITTLE SAD!!!
R: Guys get picked up when they walk in Shinjuku-2-chome(gay scene)?
K: It is hattenba(=a spot where gay people pick up guys).
R: Hattenba? Sounds very shouwa(old,retro,outdated).
K: I heard that Tokyo's 2-chome is sugoi. For this kind of people, 2-chome is like paradise. It has everything. For example, there are people who like bishonen, or chubby, and 2-chome has every kind.
R: Everyone goes there?
K: Yeah, it is like a theme park.
R: You can get anything you want there?
K: In other countries, usually one spot is specialised in only one type [of gay people], but Tokyo is different.
R: Really. What if a girl goes there?
K: Probably not a big deal?
R: Won't get cold stares?
K: I don't think so.
R: Is there a spot for girls(lesbian) then?
K: What do you mean? You want to go?
R: There isn't? Say, 3-chome?
K: Shintani-san, you just got yourself dirtier again.
Request from listeners to have Kamiya scold them using the phrase they specify.
(21:50)
R: Request for DoS Kamiya-san.
K: "You spoiled bastard! Stop surfing the net and go study!!!"
K: "Baka Baka! You Otaku bastard!!"
SZBH 08
SZBH 09
(7:40)
R: Mail from Zetsubou-name "U-ho!"-san.
K: What a man!
R: (Mail) Shintani-san seems to be interested in 2-chome so I'm sending this mail. There are Lesbian bars in 2-chome too. Also sight-seeing bars, and gay bars that are female-okay. If you are interested, I can take you around. Btw, I am a cherry boy but I am not a virgin. (BGM turned silent) I forgot to mention, for Kamiya-san, I like his voice. But his look is not my type.
K: Err.............hehhh. So there are lesbian bars.
R: Sugoi! Want to go!
K: There are quite a lot people in the industry who know the way round 2-chome.
R: I think so! Everyone seems to be going there often!
K: Not going there because of certain "preference" but going there to enjoy the bars.
R: Sometimes they ask me to go to a okama(transvestite) bar with them but I can't really talk with people I don't know.
K: Me too.
(9:15)
K: But apparently it is very sugoi.
R: What is?!
K: "Mama" who works in a Okama bar can really joke about anything. There is a Mama who likes this male seiyuu, and one time when "she" knew in advance that he was coming, she was like, "I've been waiting for you~" while preparing his drink. But the stirring "rod" in the glass looked exactly like a.......err.......vi(censor)tor. Hahahahaha!!!!
R: I can never go there!!!
K: So the night started with "You!!! Is it used?!! Is it unused?!! I am not drinking that!!!!!"
R: No way!!!
K: Surly it was just a joke! (Okama-style) "I've been waiting for you. There you are~" and then pass you the drink.
R: (Panic) I can't handle this kind of jokes!!
K: I don't think they will go that far to girls. Well I've never been there so I don't know. btw, I wonder if this mail is from the same U-ho!-san from last time. The writing is slightly different. Maybe it has become the communal name for "this kind" of mails?
R: Everyone?!!
K: So maybe everyone will use Zetsubou-name "U-ho" for this kind of emails.
(17:30)
R: (Mail) Whenever I see a police car, even though I haven't done anything bad, I feel nervous. Don't say I'm normal!!
K: I can kinda relate to it.
R: Eh?! No way! Really?!
K: Like, "Damn! It's the police!!"
R: I'm the opposite. I'll try to look a little suspicious and hope that the police will notice me and go, "Hey!!!"
K: You can't do that!!!! Haha!!!
R: I want to be questioned by the police. I want to pretend like I'm all suspicious and nervous.
K: If you are a guy and you are walking alone in Shinjuku on a holiday, the police will come up to you.
R: Eh?!! Why???
K: I don't know. It's not allowed apparently. That happened to me a few times. I was told by the police, "Excuse me, we are questioning guys who are walking by themselves. Can I have a look at your bag??
R: Eh~~~~~?!!!!!
K: And I had a lot of BLCDs in my bag.
R: Ahahahah~~!!! Wah~~!! Wah~~!!
K: The "kan-pake"(completed packet, or sample CD). Police asked, "What is it?" I said, "It's work."
R: Just because you were carring a lot of CDs?
(18:55)
K: Maybe they thought I stole them? The CDs were not put inside any shop bags. I got them from my management office. Morikawa Toshiyuki-san gets questioned very often apparently.
R: He looks like the type who does!!!!
K: Maybe somewhere in Kabukicho(redlight district famous for its male host clubs), the police will stop him off, "Morikawa-san, wait." So the police knows his name!
R: If the police knows his name, there is no need to stop him!!
K: Well Morikawa-san does have a suspicious look.
SZBH 10
SZBH 11
SZBH 12
Scolding lines requested by the listeners.
(41:00)
K: Repeat after me.
K: "Why are you listening to Aniraji(anime radio) on Tuesday afternoon!! You lazy butt!!"
Kobayashi Yuu: From a female listener. (Mail) I love Itoshiki-sensei and Kamiya-san.
R: "Stop day-dreaming!! You fujoshi!!"
Kobayashi Yuu: "You can’t even meet your deadline! What a worthless mangaka!! Too worthless to sue!!"
SZBH 13
(26:00)
R: (Mail) In a Kanji exam, for the question on the antonym of SEME, without one moment of hesitation I answered UKE, and ended up not getting full mark for it.
K: Stupid. So what is Seme's antonym?
R: Uke.
K: Wrong!!!
R: Fusegu!! Fusegu!! Fusegu!!(Defend)
K: It is Mamori(Protect)!! But this can be a test to check if someone is fujoshi or not.
R: If you want to "protect" yourself then you must be normal(=straight).
K: What are you talking about?!! Don't give me the look as if you don't know why you are wrong!!
R: But I will probably write the same answer.
K: It is wrong. There is a telephone in a studio and it has "Uke-only" written on it.
R: I want to see!!!!!
K: U-ho! people will probably get the wrong idea.
R: I will definitely take a photo and put in my blog!
K: (writing the name down) It is in this studio...
R: What?! I just went yesterday!! I want to see!!
K: (gives details of the phone's location to Ryoko) "Uke-only" is written on it. If someone says, "Look at this!!", then you should tell everyone "It doesn't mean that!".
R: So only Uke can call from that phone? Or only Uke will pick up the phone if you call from there?
K: I told you, it doesn't mean that!!
(29:40)
R: Mail from Zetsubou-name Machi-pichu-picha-pichu-san. (Mail) Night after night, I edit my favourite scenes from all kinds of BLCDs....
K: What?
R: ....(Mail) and all of them turned out to be Kamiya-san’s uke work. I select the H-scenes only and put them in my ipod. The tracks in which Kamiya-san is moaning, have a play count of over 100....
K: You listen too much.
R: ....(Mail) you sound like you are feeling so good in them that my fatigue from the day is taken away if I listen to them before I sleep. Feel free to yell at me, "Fujoshi, behave yourself!"
K: (uke-ish breathy voice) Machi-pichu-picha-pichu-san~~~~~Thank you~~~~~~~
SZBH 13 "keitai" (cellphone) version
(5:15~)
"Kuma-uta"(Bear Song) is a playstation 2 game software where the player will be the teacher who teaches a bear how to sing "enka"(Japanese folk song). The enka written by the player is created by some high-tech voice synthesis system and is performed by the bear.
K: So I taught the bear in "kuma-ta" a lot of Gachi-Homo vocabs. Hahaha!!! I made it a Gachi-Homo enka singer. So it was singing like this, "Shinjuku~~2-chome~~Hattenba~~"
SZBH 14
SZBH 15
(32:30)
Guest: Daichu(=Mizushima Takahiro)
K: (Mail) Kamiya-san, among the seiyuu you co-act with in BL, is there someone who made you think, "If it is with him (I don’t mind)...."
R: This mail is from a guy, right?
K: btw, Daichu-san, is there someone?
Daichu: Eh?!
R: Exciting!
D: Why you suddenly asked me?!.....I haven’t appeared in BL work that much.
R: Chi! (complaining sound)
D: Why the “chi”?!
R: Didn’t say it! Didn’t say it!
D: It is okay you say it. I just don’t understand why!
K: Just ignore her.
D: I am uke, in all the BL I have done. So I just won’t think "if it is with him..." because that will mean "I want to have him", right?
R: Hahahahahahahaha!!!!
D: If "I want him!" is what "if it is with him...." means then I can’t decide.....
R: Hahahahahahahaha!!!!
K: Ryoko-chan is very happy.
R: Similar! We think similarly! ......Ah, but how about "if it is with him...."(as a uke).
D: That is.............ah, in all of them I was made love to(dakareru) by my senpai.
R: Wait! You are misleading! You are misleading in many ways!!
D: They took good care of me, my senpai.
R: Ahahahahaha!! Anything you say sounds crazy!!
D: In terms of acting, I just give myself to my senpai, so I don’t really go after them........oh this is not correct Japanese. How about Kamiya-san?
K: Anyone is fine. I don’t know what you're talking about but it is work! About "If it is with him...", I don’t mind co-acting with anyone, anywhere!
R: Shocked!! Anyone!! Anywhere!!
K: I’m not choosy about work.
D: You look so serious.
K: I don’t say things like "I won’t work with anyone but him." I respect everyone as everyone has great talents. I have never been choosy when it comes to work.
D: Shall I get angry now?
K: Why? What did you think this question meant?
D: WHY DID YOU PICK THIS MAIL?
K: Staff told me to read it.
D: LIAR!!! IT IS A LIE!!
SZBH 16
(15:15)
R: Mail from Zetsubou-name "U-ho!"-san.
K: (Mail) DESPAIR!! All the people who joined the fan gathering (hotspring) tour of the actor (censor)-san were "U-ho"!! I heard that the fanclub will be closed down!!
R: And at first I thought it was from the real thing("U-ho!"-san).......
K: Hahahaha!!!
R: This is despair!!
K: Okay, where shall I start......Say, we have "Mizushima Takahiro Fan Gathering Hotspring Tour". First we gather at Shinjuku Station. We get on the tour bus and head for Hakone. "Everybody please get on the bus!! Mizushima Takahiro-san has arrived!! Please clap to greet him!!" And then we find out that all the people in the bus are "U-ho!". So what will you do?
D: Err...... I’ll go, "What kind of tour am I going today?"
K: Everyone looks at you the "U-ho!" way and goes, "Make love to me!!!!", "Daichu, make love to me~~!!!!!"
D: The bus will probably make a stop in Shinagawa......
K: It doesn’t go to Shinagawa. It will get on the highway. There is NO ESCAPE.
D: Are we going to have all kinds of Game inside the bus?
K: Ga(y)me!!!
R: Hahahahahaha!!!
K: I won’t want to join in but I do want to see! Don’t you?
R: Sure I want to see from far.
K: What kind of fan gathering will it be? You are going into hotspring together......
R: And bonding with fans!!! Ahhhhhh!!!!!!!
D: Bonding in the bath.....
R: It might not only be "Make love to me!!"(uke). It could be "I’m making love to you!!"(seme)
K: It will be "I’m making love to you!!"
R: Very real!!! Despair!!!
K: The ultimate despair!!!
R: (Censor)-san should have lots of female fans?
K: Yeah as a guy, if I’m told "Kamiya-san, there will be a fan gathering tour", I will definitely go "Yeah!! Great!!". But as I get all excited and get on the bus and say, "Hello everyone!!!" and discover that everyone is "U-ho!"......I will go "Ah.........Hi!" and want to get off right away.
D: Really, I will probably ask "Is it really my bus? Is it really my tour?".
R: "The fanclub will be closed down"......but why didn’t the managers of the fanclub notice it? All the people who were joining the tour had guys’ names!! Why didn’t they stop the tour?
K: Sugoi.....I can talk about this alone for an hour. Sugoi. The ultimate despair!
Then Ryoko told the story where she had to shoot a video in a theme park, and somehow all the people in the theme park were "U-ho!" people. Apparently it happened to be the day of their gathering. So wherever the camera turned, it was U-ho! couples. She got on the roller-coaster, and the people sitting behind her were U-ho! too. ^^;;;
The actor they talked about is Sakaguchi Kenji. His photo here.
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In a mail corner where you try to interpret something negative in a positve way.
(28:33)
R: (Mail) To you who said to me, "You Human Garbage!! ". Thank you for treating me as a "human".
K: (laughs)......yes, treating him as a human......(cries).......What kind of treatment is he getting everyday?......(cries).....
R: (cries) Wah~~~~ah~~~~I'm scared~~~~
K: (cries) Wah~~~~this one is hard to recover from~~~~
SZBH 23
SZBH 24
(25:30)
K: (in his ultimate uke-voice) "In this program, we'll introduce mails from our listeners that talk about how unfortunate, ah~~~, rather, how fortunate it is to be an otaku."
R: Zetsubou-name, "It sounds exactly like BOYS LOVE".
K: Hahaha~~~!!!!
R: What kind of timing is that?!! To send a mail with a Zetsubou-name like that!!!
A mail about Hikawa Hekiru sensei's "end card" or illustration shown at the end of the 3rd episode of Zoku Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei. Fujiyoshi Harumi(a fujoshi character) is holding a doujinshi with "Kamiya Sou-uke" (神谷総受け) or "Kamiya uke to everyone" written on it.
(28:15)
K: Hikawa Hekiru!! What the hell is that "end card"!!
R: How come Nami(Ryoko's character) is not in it?! It's fine with Kamiya-san. But why Nami is not in it?!
K: It's not fine!!!
R: What is not fine??
K: Why?! What is fine?
R: Sou-uke!!
K: What are you talking about?! Why is she holding that book? Who made that book?
R: Hikawa sensei. (Hikawa sensei is MALE)
K: I was shocked!
R: I was shocked!
K: I wrote a mail to him immediately. I wrote, "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT, HIKAWA HEKIRU?!!!!!!!!"
R: What was his reply?
K: "The television nowadays are amazing. People actually noticed it."
R: Hahaha!!
(31:54)
K: Minna-san, let's meet again in~~~
K: Akiba or Otome Road, Nakano Broadway~~~
K: Osaka's Nippon-bashi, Nagoya's Osu~~~
K: Kyoto's Teramachi, Fukuoka's Kitatenjin, Sapporo's Ibangai~~~
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SZBH 29
(17:15)
K: (Mail) Despair!!!!!! When someone is casted in Gundam and Macross, he gets more chocolate(for Valentine's Day) than Roronoa Zoro(One Piece)!! Despair!!.......so, how about the "U-ho! rate"? Kamiya-san~~~!!!!!!
R: How is the ratio? Actually, how many did you receive in total? Excited! Excited!!
K: The number "502" which has been spread around is only an approximate. It's nowhere near accurate. In another radio program, I somehow ended up competing the total number of chocolate received with my senpai. That senpai phoned the manager responsible for that radio show and asked, (imitating his senpai) "So how many did Kamiya-kun get?!"
R: Sounds like him!! Haha!!
K: That manager is kinda loose and he said, "Ah, about 300. No actually, about 400. No actually, sugoi! About 500!"
R: Wahaha! Which is it?!
K: Every second it increased by a 100, according to what he said. Then after 3~4 days, the staff at the front desk said, "Ah, now two have just arrived." And that manager said, "Two have arrived so that makes it 502." And the story became like, "502?! You are unbelievable!!" That's how "02" got added and became 502.
R: The number sounds so real. I thought they counted it.
K: No one counted!! That manager didn't count.
R: I see. Approximate?
K: Approximate!
R: But it's still amazing.
K: I received the amount of chocolate for a lifetime. Thank you, minna-san!
(19:05)
R: How fortunate of you.................so what about U-ho! rate?
K: That's the problem. Normally even for a joke, you don't send it, right?
R: Well well.
K: Yeah? For example, if you get 1 or 2 among the 500, it's already amazing, right? I mean from U-ho! But there were about 10 to 20.
R: Hahaha!!!!!!!!! Really?!!
K: I was shocked.
R: Like "chocolate for one true love" kind?
K: No........"Delicious Rod" was in it.
R&K: Hahaha!!!!!
("Umaibou" or "delicious rod".)
R: Wait, that is.....eh????!!!!!!!
K: SALAMI FLAVOUR!!!!!
R: Terrible.....terrbile.....terrible......
K: Yeah.
R: "Uho!" doesn't disappoint!!
K: Yes.
R: Does things quite differently!!
K: Well yeah.
R: Comes at you from an unexpected angle!!
K: Well I'm grateful............haha.............
R: If you're grateful then that's a good thing! It's delicious.
K: SALAMI FLAVOUR!!!!!!!!
R: It's delicious!
K: A dirty joke which is rare for this show.
R: Terrible.......terrible.......too terrible......
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