Date Crashers
Date Crashers
Characters: Dick, Bruce, Selina, Kit, Tim
Summary: Dick does not always approve the woman in Bruce's life. 5 woman that were chased away and the one that stayed.
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1. The one the team helped give rid of.
“Alright we need some goose feathers, duct tape, gorilla glue and wire. As well as a magazine, a whistle, two soda cups, one hammer, three nails, and a file. Megan we’re gonna need some cookies and ---“
“Wait a minute,” Artemis interrupted. “Why are we doing this?”
Robin looked up from his plans. “Team bonding?”
Megan frowned. “But you intent to prank this woman? That doesn’t seem very nice,” she said in a disapproving tone.
“Yes, why do you want to target this woman so badly, Robin?” Kaldur asked.
Robin scowled. “She’s attempting to steal Batman’s attention away from me. I have proof that she’s trying to approach his civilian ID.”
“While a valid reason to be jealous--” “I’m not jealous KF!” “-Still not a good reason to prank her, as much as I love pranks,” Wally pointed out.
“Batman is allowed to have his own life outside of the being a superhero,” Kaldur said. “Even if you are his protégé, that doesn’t give you the right to decide who he dates.
“There are a bunch of valid reasons,” Robin protested. “Starting with the fact that she’s a brainless bimbo who keeps pinching my cheeks and is totally stealing my father figure away,” he muttered under his breath.
“I can’t approve of this in good conscious,” Kaldur argued gently.
“I’ll tell you guys my secret identity and all the reasons why she needs to stay away from Batman if you help me with this?”
Superboy spoke up first. “Let’s do this.”
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2. The one Dick didn’t have to do a thing (and still kinda stuck around)
Kit, Dick decided, was nice. She gave him encouragement, helped him train, was smart, pretty and she really did mean well. When Bruce took in little Tim, she was practically the mother to his new little brother, helping him cope with the lost of his parents, tucking him into bed at night and reading him stories. She picked him up from school, treated him to ice cream and got into the most amusing arguments with Bruce on how to properly raise Dick and Tim. (It’s amusing because Kit isn’t from even from Earth and Dick and Tim aren’t exactly “normal”). Best of all, she knew that Bruce and Dick were Batman and Robin and was totally cool with it.
As Dick mentioned earlier, Kit wasn’t from Earth, but rather another dimension, so she wasn’t exactly normal and had her own superpowers. She wasn’t a superhero (she claimed she didn’t have the confidence for that, Dick thought that was a bunch of BS). But Dick knew the only reason why Batman started giving the team slightly more dangerous missions is totally because Kit is totally tailing them and acting as backup. (The rest of the team didn’t know about it yet though. Dick hadn’t told them yet. As Batman would say, it’s good observational training.)
So as far as Dick was concerned, he was totally cool with Kit being the mother figure in his life and was totally okay with Kit dating Bruce. This of course spurred this current conversation.
“So… when the wedding?”
Kit looked at Dick, her gold eyes blinking in confusion. “Wedding? Why do you think I’m getting married?”
“Well you’ve been dating Bruce six months,” Dick said.
Kit looked flabbergasted. “Wait… what? You… but… You think I’m dating Bruce?!”
That surprised Dick. “Aren’t you?” he asked. “I mean you’re here at the Manor every other day, you let Tim call you mom and don’t bother correcting him, you and Bruce argue over parenting skills and you help Alfred cook and clean the place. You’re practically mom already. The only thing left for you to become family is for you and Bruce to get married.”
“What?! Ewww! No! No!” Kit was horrified. “Even if I convert my age to Earth years, I’m still 20 years older than Bruce but I look only 5 years older than you! Then there’s the whole thing that I age slower then you guys. Back home, I’m practically a child still and my father will have Bruce’s head for asking my hand in marriage before even meeting him. Wait… you think I’m mom?”
Well that made for some awkward conversation. Dick will admit; he’s kinda disappointed that Kit wasn’t dating Bruce. It was amusing to watch Kit and Bruce’s interactions for the next couple weeks. Kit couldn’t look Bruce in the eye without turning a deep red color.
Oh well. She’s still mom in Dick’s book.
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3. The one Dick knew he had to get rid of.
“Dick?”
“Yes Kit?”
“Why are your currently hacking Styn’s Finance?”
Dick paused for a moment and looked at Kit. “Because Francis Styn’s daughter, one Jessica Styn, is the current heir to the company and tomorrow he’s giving ownership to that cow and she becomes president.”
Kit blinked. “Isn’t Jessica dating Bruce right now?”
“Yes.”
“Okay… so then what did she do?”
“She threw a book at Tim. It nearly hit him.”
Kit stared in shock. “Tim’s seven! Why did she throw a book?!”
Dick clenched his teeth. “She said it was because he’s annoying. It took me two hours, five of Alfred’s chocolate chip cookies, and two books to convince Tim to calm down and that she wasn’t really going to hurt him.”
A moment of silence fell.
Then Kit pulled up a chair and started up another computer. “Move over, I’ll take her personal computer and banking statements, you finish up Styn’s Finances. “
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4. The one Bruce picked him over her
Dick couldn’t sleep. Being Robin did nothing to help cure the usual case of insomnia and Dick was usually forced to simply deal with it until sleep overcame him. He was creeping along quietly in the Manor, still trying to decide if he wanted to head to the Batcave for training until he became exhausted or head to the kitchen to find a warm glass of milk.
He finally decided the kitchen. On his way there, he passed living room number two where Bruce and Anna, Bruce’s latest fling, were snuggling in front of the tv watching some late movie. Dick was determined to sneak by without Bruce noticing him when Anna’s words cause him to stop and listen in on the conversation.
“Excuse me?” Bruce said.
“Hm? What Darling?”
Bruce started at Anna. “Did you just say that you want to ship Dick and Tim off to a boarding school?”
“Well of course sweety! Who wants a bunch of kids around when we have so much better things to do,” she said, her voice dropping into a low seductive tone.
“Get. Out.” Bruce snapped.
“W-what?”
“Get out. Those two boys are more important to me then you could imagine,” he hissed.
Dick took a step back and hid in the shadows as Anna flew out of the room in tears. Bruce followed out after her, scowl on his face, making sure she left. That was when Dick rushed up to Bruce and wrapped his arms around him.
“Dick?” Bruce said gently. “What, why are you up?”
Dick ignored the question. “Thanks Bruce.”
“For?”
“Choosing me over her.”
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5. The one that stuck around
Selina… Dick has no words for Selina.
He didn’t like her. (She’s Catwoman for god’s sake, what the hell was Bruce thinking?!) He knew he isn’t the only one either. Tim disappeared every time she came over and Kit, who in Dick’s opinion should just move in with them, is a little weird out by it all. Dick saw her borrow several books on Opposite Attraction and Human Psychology. Conversation between Kit and Selina is weird. Especially since Selina spent the first two months thinking Bruce was cheating on her with Kit. (Cue another awkward conversation.)
But… she makes Bruce genuinely happy.
After years of living with Bruce, Dick can say he can deduced what his mentor/father/father figure moods are and being with Selina honestly makes him happy.
Perhaps because he was older and thus more mature about it or because he liked the idea that Bruce is finally happy, he was okay with Selina dating Bruce. Not happy with it, but okay with it. Selina won’t be mom (that’s still Kit in Dick’s book) and Dick believed that he’ll never get use to the whole “dating catwoman” thing but she genuinely loved Bruce and he loved her back.
That’s what was important.
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Bonus: The one Tim prevented
Tim knew right off the bat this woman was going to be trouble. He knew that look in her eyes that craved money, the way she held herself in a seductive manner, and way she flirted with Bruce. He knew she was type of woman that Kit, mom, didn’t approve of and that Dick hated (Bruce too, but he was the one who had to play along). These types of women always showed up at Bruce’s parties.
As she moved through the crowd of people, Tim hurried up with his plan. (Dick was gonna be so proud!) He messed his slicked back hair up and put on his best sleepy expression. Then he wandered up to Bruce just in time for the no good woman to walk up with two glasses of wine. Tim tugged on Bruce’s pants and yawned.
“Tim?” Bruce said, kneeling down.
Tim raised his arms, indicating he wanted to be picked up. “Sleepy,” he muttered.
Bruce picked him up. “Let’s get you to bed then sport.” He gave a not very apologetic look to the lady and walked off.
Tim tried hard to not stick out his tongue at the lady and mentally patted himself on the back. Mission was a success!