Let the rain on your face :}
I've decided that I am going crazy...
It's alright though, I am ok with this. It is not something I can change, I may as well enjoy it as it happens. Just like life - you can't remake the world, why would you? It is beautiful in so many vivid ways... So put yourself where you can enjoy it most... get the best vatange point.
I think my whole life I have saught someone with the stability to ground me, to keep me from being flighty and crazy - Maybe it was abandonment issues. See my Dad, when I was an infant, left me alone a lot... Mom actually left him because CPS was about to interviene for neglect... Dad was an alcoholic. The worst time being when he left me alone at home in the crib while he went to the bar. After that I had a single parent, my Dad was never around... I really was never bothered by this. My Mom had to leave for the navy when I was very little for a year... I was left with my Family - who I had the joy, and the rare experience to grow close to. My Great Grandparents, my grandparents, my uncle. Mom came back and everything changes again - life is full of change.
I still never considered these things to heavily, they helped shape me into an open minded, loving individual. My mom remarried, and I learned about rules, structure, frusteration. I think he was the only person in life I had ever hated.... And when he left I learn to forgive. He taught me to be stronger than I might have been. And he taught me humility, which I might not have had.
So even then, I went through school, moving a lot, remaking friends, changing, growing, moving once more. In highschool we finally settled for all 4 years. Also a privaledge. I grew close to many people, some I had known for years, some were totally new. And then I learned even if you don't leave, others have to. And even if you try to keep them, they still change.
You know when I look back, none of us are different... just more clear in who we are. I wonder if that is a good or a bad thing? Being carved in such detail.... how changeable are we when the more we are carved, the more certain we become? Like a statue, or a painting, vague at first.... but you still see a general shape that could be many things, but still restrained by it's own vague image.... until eventually we are precise, and maybe beautiful.... Maybe to unchangeable.
Blah.
So lately..... my head feels like its in amillion pieces, I feel like I'm not really here but I am, and my heart is in my throat.... I still sing... I consider painting but don't..... and I seriously struggle with the need to write.
And all I want is for it to pour down rain. And rain forever.
It's hard to be clear amidst all.
All I know;
I have a job I enjoy
I am living in a place I love
I have people who care about me here, but so many who aren't.... and the longer life is, the more seem to separate and walk their own path. Even in a manner of months you can grow close to people and then lose them to their lives.
And lastly... no matter how confused, muddled, and uncertain existance can be... it's still uncertain. Which means anything can still happen in any given day.
So if I stop writing here,
it may be because I went to China :}
I love you all deeply, and since I can not be in all the places everyone I want to be with are in, and I can't call everyone every evening, and some of the people I love I may never see again, while others I may see tonight for the last time, and while still others may be changing their lives forever, and others will always try to be there.....
I want you to know that.
I need you all, I love you all, and you are all - and always will be no matter what- my family, and a part of my soul.
I am sorry for every wrong I have ever done you, I am sorry for every confused moment I could never clarify, and most of all... all I ever wanted really was your presence - without complications, without vivid clarity. Just you :} And I thank you for all the times you have given that.
It's alright though, I am ok with this. It is not something I can change, I may as well enjoy it as it happens. Just like life - you can't remake the world, why would you? It is beautiful in so many vivid ways... So put yourself where you can enjoy it most... get the best vatange point.
I think my whole life I have saught someone with the stability to ground me, to keep me from being flighty and crazy - Maybe it was abandonment issues. See my Dad, when I was an infant, left me alone a lot... Mom actually left him because CPS was about to interviene for neglect... Dad was an alcoholic. The worst time being when he left me alone at home in the crib while he went to the bar. After that I had a single parent, my Dad was never around... I really was never bothered by this. My Mom had to leave for the navy when I was very little for a year... I was left with my Family - who I had the joy, and the rare experience to grow close to. My Great Grandparents, my grandparents, my uncle. Mom came back and everything changes again - life is full of change.
I still never considered these things to heavily, they helped shape me into an open minded, loving individual. My mom remarried, and I learned about rules, structure, frusteration. I think he was the only person in life I had ever hated.... And when he left I learn to forgive. He taught me to be stronger than I might have been. And he taught me humility, which I might not have had.
So even then, I went through school, moving a lot, remaking friends, changing, growing, moving once more. In highschool we finally settled for all 4 years. Also a privaledge. I grew close to many people, some I had known for years, some were totally new. And then I learned even if you don't leave, others have to. And even if you try to keep them, they still change.
You know when I look back, none of us are different... just more clear in who we are. I wonder if that is a good or a bad thing? Being carved in such detail.... how changeable are we when the more we are carved, the more certain we become? Like a statue, or a painting, vague at first.... but you still see a general shape that could be many things, but still restrained by it's own vague image.... until eventually we are precise, and maybe beautiful.... Maybe to unchangeable.
Blah.
So lately..... my head feels like its in amillion pieces, I feel like I'm not really here but I am, and my heart is in my throat.... I still sing... I consider painting but don't..... and I seriously struggle with the need to write.
And all I want is for it to pour down rain. And rain forever.
It's hard to be clear amidst all.
All I know;
I have a job I enjoy
I am living in a place I love
I have people who care about me here, but so many who aren't.... and the longer life is, the more seem to separate and walk their own path. Even in a manner of months you can grow close to people and then lose them to their lives.
And lastly... no matter how confused, muddled, and uncertain existance can be... it's still uncertain. Which means anything can still happen in any given day.
So if I stop writing here,
it may be because I went to China :}
I love you all deeply, and since I can not be in all the places everyone I want to be with are in, and I can't call everyone every evening, and some of the people I love I may never see again, while others I may see tonight for the last time, and while still others may be changing their lives forever, and others will always try to be there.....
I want you to know that.
I need you all, I love you all, and you are all - and always will be no matter what- my family, and a part of my soul.
I am sorry for every wrong I have ever done you, I am sorry for every confused moment I could never clarify, and most of all... all I ever wanted really was your presence - without complications, without vivid clarity. Just you :} And I thank you for all the times you have given that.