When You Say You Love Me, Know I Love You More
When You Say You Love Me, Know I Love You More
G
Sehun/Kai
Not only the year is saying good bye but so is he, or not?
Some days are meant to be forgotten. Some memories tend to fade. Some words begin to mean nothing. And feelings? They go away. Don't they?
A grumble comes out of Sehun's lips as he digs his fingers deeper into his hair and pulls at them almost instantly in frustration. What is happening to him? Hasn't it been just a year when he was deeply and madly in love? With no one else but the person he's adored for so long.
The image of the past starts to recount one by one in his head. The winter escapade from last year, the spring bash to celebrate his birth month, the heated summer getaway, and the relaxing fall outing.
Aren't these the highlights of his year? How come in just a year, he'll end up waking up one day, distressed and--most of all, the worst of all, scared.
Not scared for himself, nor for somebody else. But scared in general. Scared that such things could happen to someone in a blink of an eye. No matter how far you've come, after all the things you've done to be where you are now. Something can change in a snap and all you thought you'd want for the rest of your life can turn into something you could easily let go of.
It's not possible right?
They can't simply go away.
Sehun continues to ruffle his hair roughly. He stands right at the door as he looks straight at the mocking sun that's starting to rise as if greeting him a pleasant day ahead. Sehun leans back on the open door frame and throws his head back til he hits the hard wooden thing. Because no.
Sehun is not having his last day of the year pleasant at all.
Because as he woke up early that morning, he came to realize what has been bugging him for the last few days--weeks.
His feelings for Jongin, his boyfriend and lover for more than a year now, have slowly started to fade.
They went away.
And nothing has scared Sehun shitless as this. Only this.
Sehun is walking back and forth outside a door in the chilly Winter morning, completely forgetting about the weather as he knocks again. This time, a little more hurried and urgent as the last 5 seconds ago. He continues to stomp almost crazily on the door mat as he waits outside his boyfriend's apartment. On his fourth attempt to knock, the door opens--finally--and Jongin is surprised to find such an early visit from the person he's supposed to see the evening of later for when they're going to celebrate New Year's Eve together.
With the cold that's only getting stronger, Sehun's eyes have turned puffy and cheeks gone red, the same shade his nose is starting to color itself. At first glance, he looks too distraught. At the second, he does look distraught so when Jongin realizes this, he instantly steps aside to let him in.
"What are you doing up so early and dressed in that in this killer weather?" He pulls him inside as if to protect him from something evil lurking outside his apartment door. Jongin shuts it the moment Sehun is inside and warm.
The owner of the room, dressed in his sleeping clothes which is composed of a pair of tank top and sweatpants and nothing else but that, turns to look at his seemingly welcomed intruder. The latter rubbing his arm to recover from the agonizing cold he braved moments ago just to see him.
Now that he is fcae to face with the one person he could only think of in times of trouble, Sehun feels weaker than he already is. Tongue tied and paling, Sehun looks away and focused on warming himself with the heat of his palms. What is he going to say anyway? Why did he run here as soon as he can? Isn't the problem about him? Why would he drag himself to the problem? Shouldn't he be running away from it? Does he even know what he's doing? Is he even sure of what's happening? So many thoughts flood Sehun right then and there and he could only hug himself closer to pull himself together.
Soon enough, recognizing the face that surfaces only when something is wrong painted on his beloved's, Jongin is reaching out to him.
"Sehun?"
His voice is so soft it almost makes Sehun run away from the gentleness that he thinks he doesn't deserve--not anymore.
"Sehun." It comes again and it comes nearer. "What's wrong?"
A sniff comes as a response and Sehun doesn't realize it's him until he feels the warm touch that he's been longing for since this morning. Too afraid to realize that when he's gotten used to not feeling it, all those things--everything he felt for him--would be completely gone. He sniffs again. This time he notices the mist around his eyes. Is he crying? He can't be crying.
"Hey. Tell me." Jongin wraps him in his embrace, giving him warmth and melting him with his care. But it's not what it does to Sehun. It scares him more. That, one day, maybe, Sehun will only have to pretend that ot's comforting. He dreads the day this will become just a habit than an actual act of affection to him. That one day, he will be deceiving Jongin. A person who's truly and genuinely loving a person like him, a pretentious guy who can't come to terms with his feelings.
And he does become just that.
"I love you. You know that right?" Sehun whispers as he buries his face in the crook of Jongin's neck, marking his scent in his head so he has something to hold on to.
"Of course." Jongin answers at once. So understanding. So perfect. Too perfect for him. It's what Sehun loves about Jongin the most. The way he doesn't ask questions and just gives him the answers he needs to hear.
But Sehun almost forgets what he doesn't like about Jongin--sometimes. It's the thing that keeps him from keeping secrets from him. The fact that he could tell when Sehun is lying.
Like a glass that broke in shards, Sehun hears his heart shatter in pieces as he feels Jongin stiffen for a second only to tighten the hug once more.
He knows.
"Of course, Sehun. And I love you." Jongin kisses him on his forehead before giving him a smile. He strokes his cheek with his thumb, wiping the single tear that rolled down upon his words.
"You can tell me everything when you're ready."
And those words echo in his head the whole day as he lies on his bed, seemingly lifeless and futile.
When will he be ready? He will never be ready. Jongin won't be too. It's unfair. For the both of them to suffer in this state. As if they have a silent understanding of what's happening but they don't really understand. Confusing as it is, Sehun knows what the problem is. But he's nowhere near to admitting it.
He's scared. That, he can admit.
Jongin doesn't call him that night. It's a small act of leaving Sehun alone to decide on it. Whether he'd still come to celebrate the Eve with Jongin or just stay away from him for now like an open invitation. Jongin knows. And yet he doesn't question him. He gives him space instead. He gives time to think. And it bothers Sehun more.
How can he fall out of love with someone who gives him the world? What wicked sorcery is this to magically get him out of an invincible love? Jongin's unquestionable love for him. Something he can't let go to waste yet he would seemingly do in the future.
Sehun sobs on his pillow for the nth time. How cruel is this life to choose him and only him.
"I love Jongin." He repeats to himself. "I love him."
Another tear rolls down the side of his face as he pictures Jongin's happy faces when they toured around the world together for a year. Telling him all those sweet promises of making him happy for the rest of his life. Slowly turning his flaws into assets for Sehun, just for him. Creating the world and handing it to him to care for and nourish together.
The smile that used to make Sehun give him all the 'yes'es in the world. That affectionate smile that's letting him choose between staying and... leaving.
Now it's only up to Sehun to keep or crush the world in his hands. Jongin has given him a chance to do one thing for himself and it would either make or break the both of them. But it could also possibly mean it will free them in the long run.
Should he choose the latter then?
Sehun doesn't know. But his heart does. So he'll let his heart do it.
Jongin waits by the window of his apartment. How long has he been sitting there? Two, three hours, maybe? He's not sure why he's nervous. Is it because he believes Sehun will choose to leave him? How can he be sure it's what Sehun is feeling?
After the hug that morning, all he remembers is how Sehun seemed so weak to comprehend everything. He's confused, that he can guarantee. But about what? About him? About their relationship? Or about his feelings?
When he spoke of those words, Jongin immediately understood. He shouldn't but he did. And now, he still does. They've only been a year into the relationship and it's normal to feel pressured what with all the things that have happened to them the whole year. Everything is happening so fast and Jongin can't help but admit that he's given his all for the relationship. He didn't see the downside to it coming.
That despite all the love he's given Sehun, he wasn't able to give Sehun a chance to love him back. He's showered him with so much that the other doesn't have time to repay him. At some point, it is his fault.
An hour left til the New Year, Jongin feels the need to call Sehun become stronger. To tell him how much he wants him, how much he needs him, how much he loves him. And that he wouldn't want him to leave. He wants him to stay with him. For all time. All this he desires to let Sehun know.
But he can't be selfish again.
For the last time, he's giving Sehun a chance. The chance for him to realize his own feelings for him. Not because he made him, not because he's pressured to. But because, after all, Sehun might still be in love with him. Because, maybe, he can't live to think being without him too.
It's close to midnight. And he feels like Cinderella dreading the every ticking of the clock. If Sehun doesn't come at o'clock, does it mean goodbye?
Maybe. Perhaps Sehun has decided on this. It will hurt--and too painfully at that--but it will get better. He knows Sehun will do it not only for himself but for the both of them. If he chooses goodbye, he knows Sehun has a reason for that. And he will never question him even until this day comes. Because he loves him. And he knows, that he has loved him too.
So when Sehun is running with tears streaming down his face a few minutes to midnight right before fireworks paint the sky towards his unbelieving boyfriend, Jongin is half-confused half-frozen in his place.
"S-sehun." The utter shock evident in Jongin's voice as Sehun violently throws himself to Jongin, holding on to him for dear life.
"What are you doing here?" The next words come off as a whisper. The apparent acceptance of the worse situation confuses Jongin to the extent that he's got tongue-tied at his current position.
"I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry." The sobbing becomes louder as Sehun drowns his words with his tears while he hugs Jongin with all his might.
"I don't know what happened. I just couldn't understand why of all of a sudden I--"
Recovering from the surprise, Jongin snakes his arms around Sehun's waist to bring him closer.
"Hey." Jongin interrupts him. He doesn't care what happens later. All he wants to do now is to cherish the moment while it lasts. He might not believe in it, but nothing does last forever.
The pause gives them time to look up at the sky and witness the flash of rainbows against the million evening stars.
"Happy New Year, Sehun."
The beautiful lights reflect on Sehun's tears. His eyes water even more than possible at that smile--that smile again.
"Jongin." His name escapes his lips like a melancholic melody. A tearful sob comes out next and Jongin can't help but give him nothing but an encouraging smile once more.
"I'm sorry." Sehun couldn't stop. If it can make it better he will keep saying it. Just to erase that sad smile on Jongin's face. Just to make it up to him. Just to take it all back--the suffering.
"Listen, Sehun." Jongin shushes him with his finger on his lips.
"Jongin, I'm really sorry-"
"No, you listen to me." Jongin says calmly. "When you walked right through that door this morning, I had no idea that something will happen that could change everything about this. About us."
"But Sehun, I don't care. You might not love me forever but you will love me now. You might not feel the same way for eternity but I promise to make you feel a lot of things while I have you. You might not want me for the rest of your life, but I will make sure I am what you desire while you still do."
"So then I can make you fall in love with me again. I don't care if you stop loving me now. I have accepted that fate and maybe I had something to do with it for it to come to that too. But I promise you, Sehun. I'll make you fall in love with me again."
The tears that never stopped still endlessly flows, and worse this time.
"You can stop loving me now Sehun. Don't be scared. It's normal." Jongin's palm comes into contact with Sehun's nape as he says this, resting his chin on top of his head as he gives him a soft kiss there.
"I won't stop trying to win you back. And if you do fall back into love with me again, I will make sure it's worth it."
Sehun sniffs at this confession. He questions fate again. Why him? He doesn't want to fall out of love with Jongin.
So an hour before he comes running to Jongin's arms earlier that night, he has decided for himself. If his mind tells him he doesn't love Jongin anymore, then he'll only listen to his heart. Although confused and frustrated, Sehun knows what his heart wants. Maybe it's not clear to him yet, but only his heart can tell why he couldn't grasp the fact that leaving Jongin would make him happy.
Because it won't. Becuase if happy means being stuck in a horrible place that is the emptiness within him, then he doesn't want it.
All he wants is Jongin.
So just as he has decided, he speaks again for the time.
"Please do, Jongin."
The sound of his cracking voice is enough to make Jongin more protective of him.
"Because I don't want to stop loving you. I won't stop loving you."
"And you can't let me go. Ever." Sehun adds as his fist grabs a hand of his front clothes. "Promise me you'll pull me back everytime I start to drift away. Because I will never want to stay away."
The climax of the fireworks display errupts in the middle of the night sky. Jongin kisses Sehun once on the lips. A soft touch of lips against lips and nothing else.
"I will, Sehun. I will. You will never be away because I'm never letting go. Even if we don't go through this with forever, we can always begin again."
It's true. Nothing lasts forever. But Jongin could just wait for it to happen again and go over it again. He probably won't let go, ever.
Nothing might last forever, but everything can be redone, can't it? So once it stops, they can start all over again.
And Sehun will always let him.
January 2015
"Jongin!!!!!!" There is no denying that annoying voice in the morning is coming from the kitchen.
"What?" Jongin's sleepy face appears by the door, hair disheveled in every way possible.
"Stop sleeping and come help me bake your favorite cake." Sehun is in an apron--one that has strawberries drawn all over it--while he has his hands on both his waists like a nagging nursery teacher asking his student to pay attention.
"I need more sleep." Jongin grumbles but walks towards him all the same, grabbing a wooden laddle than the soon.
"No, you beat the eggs." Sehun takes the innocent laddle from hia hands and pushes a bowl of eggs towards him by the counter.
"Now work."
Jongin stares sadly at his eggs before sighing to himself. "Why do I have to do this on my first day of the year."
Sehun smiles at the image of him being all sulky and cute at the same time.
"It's because our drama got in thw way of our New Year's Eve feast. Now there is no way we're not celebrating it."
Another sigh.
"Also, to celebrate our getting back together." Sehun grins as he sticks something on Jongin's nose. The frosting. The cake hasn't even been baked yet.
"Right." Jongin grins back. "Happy New Year Sehun. Happy new life to both of us."
And Jongin kisses him there full of passion without control this time. The eggs left untouched.
Well, what's the use when there is Sehun to touch.