Absentia - Part VII
Title: Absentia
Pairing: Sehun/Kai; minor!(Sehun/Tao, Kai/Luhan, Sehun/Kris); slight!Sehun/Yixing
Rating: R
Summary: Sehun wishes to see the future. He unknowingly jumps in time and loses five years in the past. Slowly, he realizes, he didn't only lose time. He lost a lot
Everything is a blur.
Sehun slowly opened his eyes and the view of his room swayed in front of them. He stared at his ceiling, the memory of last night repeating clearly in his head. He had no strength left for the morning, no strength left for the rest of the days ahead of him. A tear fell from the corner of his eye and he felt his insides contracting until it's getting hard for him to breathe. This is the feeling of losing someone, he thought.
He closed his eyes and pictured his friends. He can't believe he drove them away from him. Most especially Tao, his pillar. And Jongin, his foundation. He changed, too much he couldn't recognize a trace of him from the new one. He felt so bad. With the absence of his old self, he feels as if he has died. Long gone and forgotten. Together with those lost years. Sehun closed his eyes and cried. He needed to let them all out.
The doorbell rang. Sehun couldn't get himself to answer it. He stayed lying on his bed counting the silent heartbeats in his chest.
The doorbell kept ringing. Sehun's eyes fluttered open.
"Kai." He whispered, suddenly getting up and rushing to the door.
The wind blew on him strongly and it stung his tear-stained face. When he finally looked up, he saw a man in his doorstep. He looks a few years older and is too tall. He's got blonde hair and a confident smile. Familiar, but his memory is too vague. The guy looked down at him with a tight-lip smile. He's all too elegant.
"Did you miss me?" He cocked an eyebrow, his voice too enticingly deep.
He knew that voice. "Kris."
Kris stepped in and closed the door behind him.
"I'm back."
Sehun felt nervous at the same time curious. For a little while, he had forgotten his pain. Kris made his way to the living room and Sehun just watched him sit on the white couch as if he knows the apartment too well. He gulped, who is he in his life?
Kris spaced out for a couple of minutes before he sat up straight, legs quite apart and fingers entwined slightly in front of him. He looked up at Sehun.
"Let's get on with business first. How are you?" He asked questioningly at Sehun who didn't move an inch from where he is.
"…"
"Excuse me, Mr. Oh. I just landed 45 minutes ago and you should be proud that the first door I knocked on is yours." He said smugly.
Sehun gulped. "Who are you?"
Kris stiffened. At first he stared at him to test whether he's pulling a prank on him, but something else clicked inside his head because his eyes darkened.
"I don't know anything that happened for the past 5 years. It's a long story. I don't want to sound rude, but do you happen to be someone important?"
It took a few moments for Kris to look at Sehun again. He tapped his fingers together, brows met at the center, before he spoke.
"Since when?"
"I just woke up one day--"
"When?"
"April 13 this year." Sehun felt sweat start to form on top of his lips.
Kris closed his eyes momentarily.
"You're a mess." He said in a slight tone of annoyance. "You finally did it, I'm pissed."
Sehun tried to stay calm while Kris stood and lectured him. He's completely confused of his situation.
"...I knew it had that side effect. ...you didn't show up... How am I to know... ...I'm even surprised you're still alive. ...how did you stay alive?" Sehun only picked up those words as Kris spoke really fast, angrily.
"The brand of pills you took is only advisable for a limited consumption per day, and if taken lightly, you will face grave consequences from damage to nerves to death. To be honest, I have to give you some credit because you didn't have any nerve damages nor were you killed." Kris explained sarcastically.
"Instead-"
He paced the room once. "A part of your cerebrum has malfunctioned or even stopped functioning. There must have been mild hippocampal damages."
Sehun's eyebrows creased. He didn't understand any of it.
"Can you-- uhm, explain it simply?"
Kris folded his arms across his chest, glaring before heaving a sigh.
"What's wrong with me? A loose screw in the head or something? What did I do?"
Even after his fit, Kris softened up at that clueless expression. Sehun has gone through a lot, and he pitied him so much.
"Due to the damage to the cerebrum, it's a part of your brain that creates and stores memories, the hippocampus in particular, you lost a chunk of it. I don't know how much of it yet, you said 5 right-"
"5 years." Sehun gasped.
"Are you sure?"
Sehun nodded. "I could only remember til 2012."
"You're fucked up."
Sehun winced but ignored it. He had been itching to ask him something. "K-Kris, right? I'm sorry, I don't really remember you. But are you supposed to be... my boyfriend?"
Kris stared at him for a moment and laughed humorlessly.
"No."
Sehun looked up at him.
"I'm your doctor."
Kris raised a brow. "Unless you want us to step up to something like that." Sehun didn’t think it amused him.
It was probably the nth time Sehun pulled a confused face.
"You need an explanation." Kris understood that. "I need to make sure you're ready for it."
"I want to know. Everything." Sehun responded earnestly.
"Do I need to tie you to bed?"
"Huh?"
"Maybe not." Kris looked at him from head to toe. "You look calm."
Sehun would have doubted Kris at that certain point. But he had a feeling he isn't a bad guy. Ever since that night he asked him to calm down, he felt as if he could trust him. He feels as if he had entrusted him his life before.
Kris did a quick check up on Sehun in his room, touching his body parts for wounds or cuts, checking his vital signs, and feeling his forehead last. As soon as he pulled his palm away from Sehun, he stared at him in amazement.
"You're fine."
Sehun bit his inner cheeks as he watched Kris.
"Am I supposed to be sick?"
The doctor thought for a moment. "Maybe."
"How did I lose my memory? Is it amnesia?"
"I believe it is. Selective retrograde amnesia." Kris started, observing Sehun's each and every reaction. "You forget a part of your memory. Usually it's the one that gave the strongest impact on you, could be extreme happiness or depression. Something that your brain cannot hold in."
"Did I just forget? Just like that?"
It took Kris a few moments to finally tell Sehun the truth. Kris happened to be his doctor for 4 years now, and he was with him all those times. He knew him, the new Sehun, a lot. He knew about his past too. He's the only person whom he confided into. Kris is a psychiatrist. And Sehun has been his patient for 4 years and counting.
"On the eve of your birthday of this year, you called me. Telling me a lot of things that made no sense. You were crying, breaking down. It's not the first time you did that. In fact, you do that most of the time. Only I hear all your sufferings, your pain. You told me everything. From how you and Kai met to how you had the perfect life with him, until how you engaged into obsession with intercourse with him and your bestfriend, and that's where your life started to wither." Kris paused to look at how Sehun is taking all this information in. He didn't seem like he hasn't been filled in with this information yet. He continued.
"I met you through your personal secretary, Yixing. You obsessed yourself with work that time and you eventually became the editor-in-chief of Diamaunt. But as days passed, you were acting weird. Until your secretary suggested you take a personal doctor. You hated him then." Kris laughed a bit, but not entirely amused. "You felt insulted. But you did as he had suggested in a condition that he would never speak of it, about me and your illness, to anyone at all. That's how you met me. For four years, you lived by my words and I lived by yours. My advices and your problems. You were my subject and I was your outlet."
"It was never easy for you nor for me. You always had a hard time keeping your emotions in check. You break down at random times and you get nightmares of your own imagination. In medical terms, you were in a state of major depression. How you manage to look fine at work is something I don't really fully understand, but my guess is that it's a defense mechanism. You forget yourself when you're at work, you're a machine around the corners of your office. But you lose it as soon as you get home. It's as if you have a double personality. Strong and strict in the office, vulnerable at home. We developed a strange relationship that's beyond doctor-patient. I told you I was your outlet. You were mine too."
Sehun tried to cope up. Kris was with him after Kai and Tao had left.
"Outlet?" He asked.
"An outlet. Of all your frustrations. My frustrations too." Kris avoided his eyes. It's as if he feels guilty about something.
"I don't understand." Sehun said bemusedly.
Kris' jaw tightened. "You were emotionally damaged Sehun. And whenever you're feeling the pain all over again, the only thing that could temporarily take your mind off of it is the very thing that destroyed your relationship with Kai. We both engaged in it until you were slowly coping with your emotions. We've agreed on it. No strings attached. Just pure sexual contact. It made you calm, it helped you live on even by the slightest bit. It didn't bother me, it helped me too at a certain point. It's a degradation to my reputation, I admit. But no one knows. Except maybe for your secretary who has his lips sealed. It has benefits too. You are my patient. Somehow, I am helping you get through."
"There's a critical day of the year for you. Your birthday. Every year, you break down and cry as if you’ve never had. It always had you over the edge, breaking you repeatedly. You look for him, yearn for him. But we both know it's over, and it kills you every time. This year was the worst. I had you on phone, listening to all your sentiments and anxieties. You don't know the effect of it to me. Hearing your worries every single day. But you started talking about too much things at the same time. And that time, I knew. Something wasn't in place and I had to drive up here hurriedly. What I came to was an unconscious you. It scared me. Maybe I became too much of an outlet for you that I felt myself as a part of you already."
"Fortunately, I wasn't too late. You actually tried suicide. You've thought of it a lot of times but you never really decided on it. It was your memories with Kai that kept you going. But you've had enough, and you thought taking your own life would end the misery you're in."
Sehun gasped. It's getting harder and harder to understand what had happened. Obsession, depression, suicide. He can't believe he’s gone through all that.
"You took your whole bottle of anti-depressant pills I prescribed you and consumed them all at once. When I learned that you survived, you pissed me so much. Why would you do that?!" The anger evident in his voice now.
"What were you thinking? I had a flight schedule to France by that time, so before I flew I made sure I'll see you. You didn't show up, never answered my calls, and I had to leave without even knowing what happened to you. Now it's clear to me. You lost your memory as the effect of taking an overdose of the pills. I did my research beforehand, and I'm positive it's that you're in now. It's a rare condition as a side effect, but that's the closest conclusion I could give you right now."
Sehun is speechless. There are a lot of things in his mind. The falling stars weren't true. His wish wasn't what brought him here. He's been here all along. He lived those years being miserable. He wasted so much time. He has just forgotten about them.
He once wondered how he can keep up living with this much pain. Now he knows the answer to this. He couldn't. He can't keep up with it, that's why Kris is there.
He didn't jump in time. Slowly, he realized. He didn't lose time. Instead, he lost his love. He lost his bestfriend. He lost his memory. So he lost himself. He knew, that 4 years ago, Sehun lost his mind and almost lost his life. A shiver ran down his spine. He lost a lot.
"I was a mess." Sehun whispered to himself.
Kris just looked at his patient sympathetically.
"You need to rest in bed under my observation for a few days. I'll deal with your secretary. And," Kris' voice changed from that tone of giving an order to a gentler one. "I'll hear the rest of the story while I was away from you tomorrow. For now, rest."
Sehun lied on his bed, feeling more tired than ever. But having Kris by his side made him feel much lighter, if not better.
"Docto--" Sehun bit his lip. "Kris."
It still is hard for him to address him by first name after hearing that the person in front of him has kept him alive, no matter how hard it was, for the past years. Especially when he has committed such inappropriate actions with him, but never did he judge him at all. Instead, he tolerated and endured being with him. Just to make him feel better. He kept his professionalism in a very non-ordinary way.
For some reason, he reminded him of Tao. Only this time, they have a more professional relationship rather than a slightly intimate one. Tao was his bestfriend, Kris is his doctor. They're two different people, yet they both went to hell because of him. He caused all of them pain. First Kai, then Tao, and maybe even Kris, for bothering him constantly with his own problems.
"If you're thinking you forced me to engage in such a strange relationship with you, you're wrong. We had an agreement. I believe it's not something a respected doctor would agree to, but I have my reasons. To be completely honest, I am liable to anything. If you want to sue me, then I would take it. I'm clearly in the wrong." Kris told him as if he read his mind.
"It's not that. I just want to say... sorry. For dragging you into my messed up life." Sehun closed his eyes, the things he just learned slowly sinking in him now.
Kris smiled a little. That's Sehun. "It's my job."
"And keep this as a secret," he leaned in. "I'd rather be your doctor for the rest of your life."
Maybe it was the 4 years that Sehun doesn't have any recollection of, but having Kris made him feel secure. He must have forgotten, but his instinct doesn't lie either. Kris indeed kept him alive until now after all.
"Or only until you're healed." Kris added, pushing Sehun down the mattress.
"Will my memory ever come back?"
The doctor's face hardened. "There's a possibility. If your head decides to have it back, maybe it will. It also means it might not. Ever."
Kris unconsciously pushed Sehun's hair out of his eyes. He's used to touching him freely after all. "For now, rest."
Sehun spilled everything to Kris the next morning. How he thought he was brought forward to the future through that birthday wish, and how he hurt upon knowing that he doesn't have Kai anymore. He told him everything in detail, even the part where he reunited with Tao and Kai at the same time. Even the happy things. How he managed to bring something new to Diamaunt during the pre-launch, how Kai had helped him with it, and that forbidden kiss they shared. Kris didn't seem to accuse Sehun of anything. He showed that he understood. That's one thing why Sehun feels comfortable with him. He listens well. He's a psychiatrist after all.
When he reached the part where he had to beg Kai to stay, he couldn't stop himself from crying a few tears. He tried to avoid talking about Luhan, it only made it harder. And when he finally told him what happened the night before Kris' arrival, the one where he wished upon another falling star with Kai on top of the hill, he just let his tears flow.
"Kai's never coming back." Sehun winced at the mention of his name.
"You set him free?"
"I had to." Sehun stared blankly at his hands. "I did so much things in the past, and now I fully understand, I lost in this game of life. I already lost years ago."
"Did it make you happy?" Kris gave these short questions in between his re-telling.
Sehun looked down. It didn't. If anything, it only made him sadder. But it's a start. He has to move on. Kris is right, he has no right to take his life away. Kai was the love of his life. But he can't keep holding onto something that isn't his anymore. He has to move on, just as Kai had.
Sehun shook his head. "I realized though, letting him go might not make me happy now. But it will, in the future, maybe."
Kris patted him on the head. "You've learned a big lesson today. Get up, I'm taking you out."
Sehun looked up in wonder.
"Don't worry, my treat." Kris gave him a thumbs up.
Kris brought him to a club. For a doctor, Sehun concluded, Kris is the unique one. He let himself be taken, led, guided by Kris, because he knew he's taking him to the right direction. Probably, the one away from Kai. It hurt him just by thinking of it, but it made him feel better in a way.
"One more shot!" Kris shoved another shot glass in his hand. Sehun shook his head at his slightly tipsy doctor. He's definitely one of a kind.
"Would you still be able to drive back?" Sehun whispered on top of the loud music and voices.
"Yeah. Don't worry, I'm fine." Kris assured him and Sehun took the glass to his lips for the 4th time. He's not that good in holding his alcohol, he found out recently, so he tried to keep himself sober.
A few blotches of red tainted Kris' face. It must be just a reaction to the alcohol and Sehun couldn't deny how it adds up to his good looks. His eyes are a little puffier so Sehun reminded Kris not to drink too much. Kris just gave him another reassuring smile and a thumbs up.
"You should enjoy yourself." Kris told him, filling another glass with alcohol.
Sehun refused this time and looked around. In the corner of his eye, he saw Kai looking at him. Sehun whipped his head to his direction and blinked, only to find someone else in the same spot. He sighed. It must be the alcohol.
When he looked at the DJ, he imagined Kai bobbing his head up and down to the beat. Sehun shook his head and looked away. It's not doing him any good. If he wanted to move on, he has to remove Kai out of his head. His throat is starting to feel dry and he's sure the alcohol is getting to him. His vision swayed a little. He just prayed Kris is still sober.
"Last one?" Kai's face appeared in front of him, offering him a drink. He took it unconsciously, suddenly seeing Kris handing him a drink instead. Sehun immediately swigged the glass up to his lips and tipped the contents in. He doesn't want to see any more of Kai. It's driving him crazy.
Challenging himself, he took the glass from Kris' other hand, his own glass, and drank everything in. It didn't feel good in this throat but he didn't care. He wasn't sure why he was doing it either. His brain told him it was to distract himself from imagining Kai everywhere but something else told him it's the other way around. He was getting himself drunk to see more of him. He had set Kai free, but he can't free himself. He loves Kai, and he's all he'll ever love. Moving on was obviously a lie he had come up with. He knows he'll never be able to. Even if he loses his memory of him, the feeling will still be there. Even if he loses himself, the love for Kai is still there. The walls started to sway and the ground started to shake in Sehun's vision.
"Kris." Sehun called and Kris, tipsy and red, caught him in time when he almost fell.
"Uh oh." Kris supported him by the waist and carried him to the side, away from most people in the club. Usually, they go out to drink at nights to relieve themselves and let the situation take over them. It's not new to Kris. When he and Sehun do their late night sessions, as to what he'd want to think it is, they get themselves drunk first. It's not like they feel guilty, they just feel better when they lose control. It's already a good enough excuse.
"Let's go home." Sehun mumbled with his eyes half-closed.
"Right. Let's get you home." Kris slung his arm on his shoulder and dragged Sehun to his car.
"I think I went overboard." Kris sat Sehun on the passenger seat, the younger swaying uncontrollably and finally leaning back on his seat. He wasn't sure whether this would work. He had almost forgotten Sehun has changed. He isn't the same Sehun who gladly jumps up at him just because he wanted to escape from reality. He has to be careful. This is the sane, yet still lonely, Sehun whom he had never met before. It's the pre-Sehun that his cruel life had taken away from himself. The Sehun he had been achieving to bring back. Kris bent down to put on his seat belt for him when Sehun's eyes fluttered open.
"Let's go home." Sehun requested, his eyes unfocused on Kris.
"Yeah, we're going."
"I want to go home." Sehun hiccupped and reached for Kris' shoulder. Kris stayed still as Sehun grabbed hold of both his shoulders. He could smell his minty breath from there.
"I. Want. Home." Sehun pulled Kris to him and without a warning, he kissed him. It didn't take a second for Kris to kiss him back. He inched closer until Sehun had his back fully leaning on the car seat.
Sehun's arms wrapped around the taller's neck, who's bent in front of him and holding him by the waist. For the record, Sehun's kisses haven't changed. It's still the soft, careful kiss he would give Kris whenever he's a little too drunk. But Kris took note of the absence of the urgency and force from his lips and tongue, as if that Sehun is gone.
A little moan escaped Sehun's mouth as Kris inserted a tongue in between the kiss, him pushing Sehun on his back while he angled the car seat lower. Soon Kris was kneeling on both sides of Sehun's legs, bent down from the small space in the car as he hovered over the younger's slightly sweating body. Sehun, too drunk and out of his mind at the moment, pushed Kris back until he was seating on the driver's seat, the car luckily still and parked in the dark open space. Sehun straddled Kris' lap and resumed the kiss, with Kris caressing the sides of his thighs and they both know what they need and want at the time.
Sehun was all over Kris and the doctor continued to massage the bare skin beneath the band of Sehun's pants. Their lips connected again, making both of them pant hard when they pulled away. Kris leaned his forehead against his and their breaths mixed in an invisible cloud, the smell of alcohol intoxicating both of them.
"Let's go home." Sehun repeated, his eyes closed. "I want to be home, Kai."
Kris sighed and blew on Sehun's face. He pecked him gently on the lips before speaking softly. "Let's take you home."
When Sehun opened his eyes, the familiar room came into view. He couldn't remember how he had gotten into fresh new clothes nor how he had gone home from the club. It must be Kris, Sehun thought back and recalled the incident the previous night. His face heated up as flashes of the kiss and the make out filled his mind. He checked his body and limbs for any pain and weariness, but aside from the tingling sensation in his head, there's nothing. He sighed in relief. Indeed, he could trust Kris. After all, they've known each other for 4 years, he just couldn't remember.
Left to nurse his own headache, Sehun buried his head on the pillows and let out muffled screams to ease the pain even for just a bit. Funnily, his headache is fading each minute and he's not sure whether his remedy is effective or not. But it's not what's taking Sehun's mind off of the pain, it's the kiss from the previous night. Even though he's been too drunk to function, he could still remember the kiss well. He couldn't imagine that he's been doing it for the past 4 years, and it felt weird that it feels like the first time last night. He wondered how he had never fallen for Kris all those years? He had always been there and even saved him once, twice or probably many more times he can't recall. Was it because of Kai? He wondered if he had ever forgotten about Kai? Maybe not. But he wanted to. He wanted to finally let himself go from Kai's invisible strings that wrapped around all of him. He wanted to cut them away until there's nothing left and he could move forward again. He knew that's what he wanted, that's what his head's been telling him. But his heart's saying otherwise. His heart has done too many mistakes and he’s afraid to trust it anymore but what could he do? It overpowers every nerve, every sense and every bit of his being. There's nothing he could do.
His thoughts were disturbed by the soft buzz from under his pillow. Sehun pulled out his phone to find a short text from his doctor.
If anything's bothering you, I'm one call away.
There's one thing. Sehun took a deep breath. It bothers him. Has he ever had feelings for Kris? He can't remember, but the feelings don't just go away even if you lose your memory. That's one thing he learned from his experience. Maybe if he opens his heart to someone else it will heal on its own and eventually learn from it. He wanted to test it, once and for all, to know whether he's able to feel something for someone else. He might be in love with just one person at the moment, Kai that is, but it doesn't mean he can't be in love with another. He could try. He had tried harder things before, there's nothing else to lose. He needs time to think it through. Just enough time.
If I'm still considered a friend, meet me at the bookstore near your flat.
Tao just read his latest message after taking a lil break from memorizing his lines for his next musical performance.
"Meet him? He didn't say when." Tao scrolled down Sehun's message to look for the time but he didn't say anything else.
"Did he mean now? Ugh." He grunted yet he put down his script and hurried up to change all the same.
He found him standing not too far from the entrance at the corner.
"Sophie Kinsella's Remember Me?" Tao creased his forehead as he bent down to read the title on the cover Sehun had been scanning.
Sehun brought the book down to find Tao raising an eyebrow at him.
"Are you a girl?" Tao asked, partially serious but a smirk started to play on his face.
"It caught my eye." Sehun rolled his eyes and put the book back onto the shelf.
Tao reached for another book from the same row and handed it to Sehun with a straight face. "Here. 13 Going on 30. Maybe you'll like it." He's obviously teasing.
"Shut up."
Tao laughed while Sehun turned his back to look around shelves and Tao just followed him. When they reached somewhere in the middle of the huge store, where they're hidden in the tall shelves, Tao paused to watch Sehun flick through books.
"You look fine." He muttered, relieved.
"Do I?" Sehun answered softly without looking at him.
Arms encircled him and suddenly, Sehun's facing Tao's comfortable clothed chest. He didn't say anything and Sehun is glad Tao could understand just anything about him even without having to say anything.
"Do I get a piece of anything or should I just continue hugging you until you forget everything?" It brought Sehun back to his senses.
He pulled away and looked up at Tao's curious gaze.
"Actually. I found out a lot of things about me just now." Sehun confessed. And if Tao generously opened up to him, he thought he should too.
"So you're suffering from amnesia?" Tao still had his eyes wide at Sehun's revelation. He didn't know whether it was good or not. A part of him knew it isn't, but somehow he wanted it to stay that way, selfishly. He didn't want Sehun to remember that he loved him, loves him, that way. At least it makes everything less complicated.
Sehun nodded.
"And Kris, your doctor. Was he-? I mean, did he fill in what Jong- he had left?"
Sehun shook his head. He felt uncomfortable telling Tao what his and Kris relationship is since it familiarly resembled what happened between them. So he just told him Kris has been very giving in taking care of him and he has done so much impossible things just for him.
"Not like fill in. Just, maybe, became the closest person to me that time."
"So is he or is he not your boyfriend?" Tao crossed his arms.
"No." Sehun answered truthfully. "But that's what I'm bothered about right now."
Tao nodded his head in understanding. "What happened between you and..." He raised a brow. He didn't want to say Jongin, and it made Sehun feel lighter at how Tao seems to be taking extra care not to give him any pain at all.
He sighed. "I had to let him go."
Tao looked at him deeply in the eyes before messing up Sehun's hair. "So, you're thinking whether you have any feelings for your doctor?"
Sehun turned a shade of red. He didn't really want to think that way, but now that Tao has said it for him the reality just hit him. He really wanted to know if he has feelings for Kris. He's already sure he likes him, but not to what extent.
It's Tao's turn to sigh and he looked up as he saw his bestfriend running a thumb on his chin. "I don't know what to say, Sehun. Honestly."
"It makes me happy that you seem to be making an effort to forget about him." He gave him a gentle look. "However, that's not how I would live my life if it were me. I don't know. When I love someone, I don't think I'll be able to force myself to forget about this person. I won't. Maybe because I'm satisfied with just loving this person, that I don't want to look for another."
Sehun bit his lip. It did look as if he's looking for someone else just to forget about Kai. That's not his intention but he couldn't blame Tao. Whichever angle they look at, it would seem like he's only looking for a way out. And Kris is the easier way out. But he knew deep in him that there's something else too. He's calm around Kris, he forgets his pain when he's with him too. Maybe it isn't what he's thinking, but there's a side of him that's holding on to him.
"But you know what, this is you, not me. So if you wanna test it out why don't you try? You've lost your memory, and it would be hard for you to try to live again from scratch. So why don't you start again with Kris? And then eventually learn if you have feelings of that sort for him?"
Sehun pondered on this. Living from scratch seemed complicated, but he has Kris and he has Tao. What if he survived this? Would he be a happier man in the future?
"Just remember." Tao poked his temple as if reminding him to keep it in his head. "I'm always here. You can just call me or text me or whatever, bang my door open when you're too confused about stuff."
Sehun smiled. "I will. Make sure you have a spare door."
Tao chuckled and enveloped his bestfriend into a hug again.
"Don't keep doing that, people might think differently. Don't think I don't know you're famous, you Mr. Star Performer. I saw how that lady at the entrance looked at you with recognition and huge interest." Sehun pushed him lightly and winked.
Tao waved it off with a roll of the eyes. "Don't ask me to leave you again. And never do that again." He added seriously.
Sehun bit his lip guiltily. "I know."
He reached for Tao's hand. "I'm sorry, Tao."
"Apology accepted." Tao swatted his hand away jokingly and looked at the section they're in.
"So. Are you still looking for romantic stories?" Tao gestured to the books in the shelf in front of them, the huge ROMANCE sign pinned above. "I've read this one thing where this guy ended up in another person's house and suddenly they just fell in love. In two different overlapping worlds." He explained exaggeratedly and Sehun stuck out his tongue and grimaced in disgust.
"I don't think I'd want that now." Sehun shook his head frantically. "Maybe something like Battle Royale will do."
Tao clapped his hands. "The Hunger Games!"
"Something more gore." Sehun suggested as he left his bestfriend behind to walk to the ACTION section.
"Hey, Katniss is a badass!" He heard his friend yell before walking hurriedly to him. Sehun smiled at how thankful he is to Tao.
He whipped out his phone and texted the person in his mind.
Something's bothering me. Dinner at 8?
8 it is.
Sehun fidgeted behind the door. He thought it through, actually really well, while he showered before dinner. He's going to tell Kris. And now Kris offered to fetch him and promised to take him somewhere decent and has class this time, not in a noisy crowded club again. He said it's his way of showing his apology for giving Sehun a culture-shock. Or mostly Kris-shock.
He opened the door only to reveal a dashing long legged man in front of his flat. Kris dressed simply yet breathtakingly in his plain shirt, didn't even bother to go for a collared one, and comfy nice jeans. One look at him won't even tell he's a doctor, however Sehun felt better. He didn't want to feel intimidated as they go out. In fact it felt like he's overdressed for the occasion as he chose somewhat something semi-formal. He should have just gone with the casual style, but it's too late to think of that.
"Ready?" Kris nodded lightly and turned around to lead the way to his car. He drove up silently. It was different with Kai. Kai would always play songs in his car when they go out and ride his car. Kai likes classic songs, not much people know it. He likes to keep the CDs in the car, piled up in the drawer neatly. Most of them given to him by Sehun, which Sehun had grown used to as time went by. His personal favorite would be Close To You. Something they would sing together while they take a long drive. The silence bothered Sehun, and it made him reminisce things he wanted to forget already.
"Mind if I turn it on?" His hand hovered over the stereo and Kris just glanced at it once before muttering a sure.
The speakers blared and a soft music played. It was familiar and sure, Sehun had heard it from one of Kai's CDs.
♫ Spend all your time waiting for that second chance
For the break that will make it ok
There's always some reason to feel not good enough?
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction, oh beautiful release
Memories seep from my veins
They may be empty and weightless, and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight
In the arms of an Angel, fly away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of an Angel, may you find some comfort here
Sehun bit his lip. He faced the road and listened. Kai's face flashed in his mind, a smile plastered on his face while he spread his arms for Sehun. He stared blankly ahead of him. Kai looked at him softly, eyes full of happiness and affection. He looked as if nothing is wrong, and he'll be coming back to his arms later tonight. Sehun felt a tight squeeze on his heart. He knew all Kai would ever be is a memory. He's gone, away from where he is now. And all of him is only in his head. Nothing more.
Someone offered him a hanky and Sehun blinked to find Kris' hand stretched out to him, a hanky folded on his palm. He didn't realize he started crying, and it embarrassed him that Kris had to witness him tearing up at a song.
Kris pulled to a stop, just as the song ended too. They arrived and Kris paused to look at Sehun.
"Well. May you find some comfort here." He said confidently with a small smile, scratching the back of his head a bit as he handed Sehun the handkerchief.
Sehun sniffed and wiped his eyes hastily. What did he mean? Did he mean, he's the angel? Sehun looked at Kris who busied himself at taking his seat belt off and killing the engine. He did it slowly to give Sehun time to compose himself. But Sehun just stared at Kris. Maybe he really is the angel. He always helped Sehun anyway, like right now. And Sehun felt himself confused once more. He thought it through, and he didn't want to make a mistake.
"So, when are you going to ask me?" Kris finally spoke up when he finished wiping his mouth with a napkin. They've finished dining and Sehun didn't utter a single word all throughout the dinner.
Sehun looked up in surprise.
Kris smiled. "I know what's bothering you. And I don't know if I helped you decide or not, but I'm glad you've come to a decision nonetheless."
The younger bit his lip shyly.
"You're going to ask me to stop, aren't you?"
He couldn't look Kris in the eyes.
"Sehun." Kris put his palm on top of Sehun's. "I'm actually glad." He raised a brow with a smile. "Not because I never wanted any of it, it's not that." Kris let out a small cough.
"It's just, I feel proud that you're actually done with this stage. It means you're stronger now, and you're fighting. I knew this would have to end anyway, ever since the beginning. We couldn't just-- sleep together, all the time. Seeing how you feel uncomfortable every time you're near me lately, I knew you'd like to call it off. You've finally surpassed that phase and I'm proud of you." Kris added a warm smile as he looked at Sehun.
Sehun forced himself to look at Kris. It brought pink patches to his cheeks but he spoke up anyway.
"I'm sorry. That was really --wrong."
Kris smirked. "Well, couldn't say I didn't enjoy it." He shrugged.
"To be honest," Kris added. "I don't think I'll ever be able to do it with you anymore." He said nonchalantly. "You called out Kai's name over and over again last night, did you know?"
Sehun felt his defenses shoot up. Hearing Kai's name had this effect on him, but Kris didn't mind it. Maybe, as Sehun's psychiatrist, unlike ordinary people like Tao who chose to avoid saying his name to not hurt him, he could just blurt out his name straightforwardly and let Sehun suffer inwardly. Sehun breathed in and out deeply.
"Would you be able to let him go if just by hearing his name you hurt?"
It's true. If it affects him that much, what more if he sees Kai. What would become of him then? He has to toughen up. Kris eyed him before grabbing his glass, offering him a toast. Sehun had thought it over. Now he slowly understood what Kris is to him. He was right, he isn't in love with him. He likes him, that he can admit, a lot actually. But because he served as his support, his motivator. His brain when his own had failed to function years ago.
It's clear to him now. Kris is someone he couldn't let go because he had attached himself to him. He isn't someone he wanted to be with, not that way like he wanted with Kai, because he already is a part of him. He was his life support, and he knew Kris found a part of his life connected to his as well. It may be ambiguous to be explained, but they both know it undoubtedly. It's mutual.
"Kris?" Sehun raised his head slightly. "Thank you. For all these years." He talked in a final tone and it made him grimace at what he appeared to be talking about. He didn't want it to sound like a goodbye.
"Hey." Kris raised a brow, recognizing that tone. "I'm still your doctor. We're only going to get rid of the intimate relationship, but unless you fire me right now you're stuck with me."
A smile appeared on Sehun's lips. "You're right. I don't think I'll ever meet a better one."
"I know." Kris affirmed with much confidence, and suddenly he's back to that aggressive Kris who stuck those naughty notes and left crazy messages for him. Sehun felt relieved after sorting out his feelings for him. Maybe Tao was right. He only entertained those feelings because he thought it would help him forget about Kai. But in the end, being true to himself made him feel better.
Sehun enjoyed a good night with Kris picking out new clothes for him at the shopping mall. He said he had always wanted to correct Sehun's taste, being so uptight and formal, so he dug unto different shops and surprisingly, the doctor had a really elegant taste for fashion. He went home with a temporary smile plastered on his face and with Kris comfortably initiating skinship with him. It turned out the doctor is just touchy, most especially to his favorite patients. In which he made it slip that Sehun's been on top of the list for years.
However, when Sehun reached his room, a dozen shopping bags in his hands, the smile faltered almost instantly. He's alone again and the room felt cold.
It didn't change the fact that Kai is gone.
A copy of the new Diamaunt issue reached Kai's flat one morning. It's been a few days and the magazine is finally released for the next month. As the official photographer for the particular issue, Diamaunt sent him a free copy. It was selling well, as they had expected.
Kai paused to admire the outcome of his effort as he laid the copy on his desk. The cover looks lively and colorful, the models smiling vibrantly at the camera, the sun comfortingly brightly shining up. It felt as if it was months ago. He used to come to Diamaunt Tower daily for the editing, and now all that he has worked for then is in front of him. But the memory seemed distant and vague. He flipped the pages carefully.
The articles were good. He usually just looks at the supporting images when he looks at a magazine before, and he could already tell what they're about. But this time, he took the time to read them.
Nearing the end, there was a little special article. He thought of what it was doing in a high class fashion magazine and realized who wrote it. Oh Sehun.
Absentia
The article spoke of fashion relating to real life. More than that, it spoke of what fashion truly is in the absence of passion. Hence, absentia. The article talked more about the relationship of both, slightly leading to an analogy of life. What fashion is in the absence of passion, what a person is in the absence of another. What a friend is in the absence of friendship, what a lover is in the absence of love. More importantly, the writer jokingly added, what a magazine is in the absence of a photographer. All the answers led to nothing. Absolutely nothing. Absentia is a word that takes out all the meaning of the word. Absentia is something that is not there. It is there when it's not there.
Kai finished the article with a heavy heart. The little reconciliation between them played again in his head. The small talks, the short meetings, the quiet lunch outs, and the kiss. Why is it that every time, he can't take his mind off of him?
A photo was printed at the end of the article and Kai only noticed it when he was about to turn to the next page. It was of him, Sehun, and his secretary Yixing. They looked happy and proud, a thumbs up from Yixing, a boyish grin from Kai, and a heartwarming smile from Sehun. He stared at the photo as a painful squeeze tugged at his heart. Why was it too hard to forget him?
Kai just came to admit what he had realized long ago. No matter what he does, Sehun stays in his heart.
Absentia wasn't really there.
•
The first day of the release of the new issue is also the first day Sehun came back to work. He greeted Yixing who greeted a wonderful morning back. When the door closed, Sehun faced his computer unit. And at the sight of it, shock fell on his face immediately.
A virus has been detected!
He clicked on the pop up and as the window disappeared, new windows reappeared. His employees' names turned up and that was only then that he realized their conversation boxes appeared on his own unit without any of them knowing. The virus had spread at their database and is currently messing up the shared networks making him see whatever is going on in his staff's own units. Sehun was about to call Yixing to alert him when another pop up universal convo box appeared.
Employee 1, now:
Wow, The Devil is back.
Almostthere.