Not dead but feels like.
ZOMBEH. I AM ONE.
This song gets WAY too much airtime on the radio, and.. I think I equally hate it and think it's alright. :/ My favorite line is 'I hyperventilate.' XD
BUT. THAT'S IT. HOW I WAS FEELING BACK THERE A WEEK AGO. How I still sorta feel. But not as much.
Also- I found WNRN, which I think is the UVA station. They were actually playing a VARIETY, and songs I hadn't heard. Which was nice...
But yeah. Here's the super short version of the past couple days:
Sunday:
Sleep till noon.
Go to MOUNTAINS!
[in the name of 'family togetherness']
Relax in the beauty/freeze in the cold, see TONS of ladybugs, climb rocks, try to clear my head.
FALL ASLEEP IN THE CAR A LOT. D:
Eat at Applebees.
Fall asleep on the couch and keep getting up randomly.
DON'T GET SHIT DONE.
Monday:
Wake up at 5:45 AM
Finish drawing
Go to class.
Get told drawing is NOT, in fact, finished.
Go home, talk to dad, try to convince him that I want to move.
NOT LISTENING. "I have plenty of time..." Sure.
Fall asleep in my room for 1/2 hour.
Talk to sister
Eat
Get distracted? maybe?
Clean up in room, set up to draw my legs
HELICOPTERS WTF??
Then got distracted by internet & CNN.
DRAW
Dinner
FUCKING INTERNET. XD
DRAW!!!!
Got legs done.
Sister won't model her hands...
Draw sketches for class...
Ask mom to draw HER hand...
Sister sorta starts dramallama....
Up talking until 3 AM. Jesus Fucking Christ. Mom says a lot of things that I didn't expect her to, proving that she's more upset/prejudiced/emotional about... LOL GAYS than I suspected. I'm left ragefacing.
SORRY FOR BRINGING GAYNESS AND WEIRD THINKING INTO YOUR FAMILY.
THANKS FOR WORRYING SO MUCH ABOUT ME GETTING MARRIED AND HAVING KIDS. 9_9
Sure, you raised me to be a lesbian art student. Yeah.... that's exactly right.
You didn't FAIL, mom...
And also, thanks for letting me know you won't pay for my wedding if I married a chick. OK. Ok. NICE.
Neither of my parents understand it... they love me, but they don't get it. At all. Jesus.
I think... it's too much information, for my mom at least. She doesn't want to know. It's 'private' who I want to 'screw.' So OK, sorry for trying to be honest, open, polite and considerate by letting you know that it doesn't matter to me the gender of the person I love. If you don't want to know, then I won't tell you. Fine. Makes things easier for the both of us then.
SO.
Finished my hand sketches.
Fell asleep at 3:20.
Got up at 8.
Rushed out of the house.
Miraculously made it on time.
EPSHTEYN DIDN'T CHECK ALL THAT WORK. FUCK. But yay? (since I didn't finish that hand)
Was literally shaking in class, still upset from last night, and sleep deprived.
Got my animation dooonnnne...
http://seira-chan33.deviantart.com/art/Trigger-you-re-such-a-whore-102025273
Before class? BLASPHEMY.
I had the class laughing. : D I'm so happy. I thought they'd think it was bizarre. XD
Software class let out early, so I went to the SOCA meeting... No one brought their own costumes, sadly. They were just taking turns modelling with the stuff Autumn brought. I put on a plaid shirt, a skirt, and took a fluffy scarf and posed with it like a boa. :3 Someone said 'Oh, that's cute.' XD I was trying to look like a 'movie star' but I think I was ACTUALLY doing a costume of a delusional homeless lady who THOUGHT she was a star. XD
Posing for 5 minutes is ROUGH. D8 WOW.
I also realized how dingey I was. REALLY dizzy.
So now I'm home.
Looked up some things. Some important, some not as much.
I need to eat some dinner.
APPARENTLY, dad and sis had Taco Bell. So... I have to forage for leftovers.
Also, need to finish that drawing from Monday...
I feel, honestly, like passing out, though. I probably need food. But I also need sleep.
Tomorrow, I gotta do Josh's NEW assignments, call housing, and see if I can get an eye appointment? For contacts? Maybe? XD I saved up money from last week, so I think I might just be able to get girlycard lenses... dunno. I need to look into it - how long, and how much it'd take... Plus, maybe convince mom to let me drive around...
I'm getting the feeling, also, that I'm going to have to fight TOOTH AND NAIL for this 'I want to live on my own' thing, and I REALLY REALLY HATE THAT. Why on EARTH they can't see that I clearly want and need this, is almost beyond me - except that they don't want to see me go. : / But I'm pulling out my hair and screaming here. I hate the drama in this house, I hate the transportation issues, I hate the distractions. I have to get out of here, I just have to. My god.
If it has to come down to it, I'll apply for loans and housing all on my own, and tell them to just accept it. It's looking like I'll have to.
This is... such a shame. I really, really don't want it to have to come down to this. They've been fine parents while I was a kid. But now that I'm an adult, and they won't LET me be one, totally anyway... I'm really really REALLY butting heads. I HATE this.
Ok, that's enough.
My LJ restraint was broken. Ah well.
If you don't hear from me much, it's me trying to get my life sorted out. And, for some reason, sleep is still fucked up and procrastination prevails. I hate myself for being this way. A LOT. I'm only hoping that after enough time doing the wrong thing and actually really thinking that it IS the wrong thing, I'll get on track and finally do it right. I certainly fuckin' hope so. Hopefully this is just a transition, and not endless patterning.
I want to run away so bad. Walking the streets alone at night was so wonderful, for just a moment. Dangerous, maybe, swaying from sleep deprivation, definitely, but the quiet in my head and the sense I was propelling myself on my own at my pace for my reasons in my way just... was nice. Not that I mind walking with people. I love talking to you guys. But it just hit me that I hadn't walked alone in so long. It was really lonely, but also felt kinda good, in a weird way... Something was bringing me to tears. Could've been anything...
Ok. Going to feed myself and try to get some work done before I pass out. Or after. Joy. T_T
Have a song I absolutely love, that's been running in my head writing this...
"I've seen what you're doing to me"
I can't take any more of any of this shit. From myself AND from my family. I just CAN'T.
Click to viewThis song gets WAY too much airtime on the radio, and.. I think I equally hate it and think it's alright. :/ My favorite line is 'I hyperventilate.' XD
BUT. THAT'S IT. HOW I WAS FEELING BACK THERE A WEEK AGO. How I still sorta feel. But not as much.
Also- I found WNRN, which I think is the UVA station. They were actually playing a VARIETY, and songs I hadn't heard. Which was nice...
But yeah. Here's the super short version of the past couple days:
Sunday:
Sleep till noon.
Go to MOUNTAINS!
[in the name of 'family togetherness']
Relax in the beauty/freeze in the cold, see TONS of ladybugs, climb rocks, try to clear my head.
FALL ASLEEP IN THE CAR A LOT. D:
Eat at Applebees.
Fall asleep on the couch and keep getting up randomly.
DON'T GET SHIT DONE.
Monday:
Wake up at 5:45 AM
Finish drawing
Go to class.
Get told drawing is NOT, in fact, finished.
Go home, talk to dad, try to convince him that I want to move.
NOT LISTENING. "I have plenty of time..." Sure.
Fall asleep in my room for 1/2 hour.
Talk to sister
Eat
Get distracted? maybe?
Clean up in room, set up to draw my legs
HELICOPTERS WTF??
Then got distracted by internet & CNN.
DRAW
Dinner
FUCKING INTERNET. XD
DRAW!!!!
Got legs done.
Sister won't model her hands...
Draw sketches for class...
Ask mom to draw HER hand...
Sister sorta starts dramallama....
Up talking until 3 AM. Jesus Fucking Christ. Mom says a lot of things that I didn't expect her to, proving that she's more upset/prejudiced/emotional about... LOL GAYS than I suspected. I'm left ragefacing.
SORRY FOR BRINGING GAYNESS AND WEIRD THINKING INTO YOUR FAMILY.
THANKS FOR WORRYING SO MUCH ABOUT ME GETTING MARRIED AND HAVING KIDS. 9_9
Sure, you raised me to be a lesbian art student. Yeah.... that's exactly right.
You didn't FAIL, mom...
And also, thanks for letting me know you won't pay for my wedding if I married a chick. OK. Ok. NICE.
Neither of my parents understand it... they love me, but they don't get it. At all. Jesus.
I think... it's too much information, for my mom at least. She doesn't want to know. It's 'private' who I want to 'screw.' So OK, sorry for trying to be honest, open, polite and considerate by letting you know that it doesn't matter to me the gender of the person I love. If you don't want to know, then I won't tell you. Fine. Makes things easier for the both of us then.
SO.
Finished my hand sketches.
Fell asleep at 3:20.
Got up at 8.
Rushed out of the house.
Miraculously made it on time.
EPSHTEYN DIDN'T CHECK ALL THAT WORK. FUCK. But yay? (since I didn't finish that hand)
Was literally shaking in class, still upset from last night, and sleep deprived.
Got my animation dooonnnne...
http://seira-chan33.deviantart.com/art/Trigger-you-re-such-a-whore-102025273
Before class? BLASPHEMY.
I had the class laughing. : D I'm so happy. I thought they'd think it was bizarre. XD
Software class let out early, so I went to the SOCA meeting... No one brought their own costumes, sadly. They were just taking turns modelling with the stuff Autumn brought. I put on a plaid shirt, a skirt, and took a fluffy scarf and posed with it like a boa. :3 Someone said 'Oh, that's cute.' XD I was trying to look like a 'movie star' but I think I was ACTUALLY doing a costume of a delusional homeless lady who THOUGHT she was a star. XD
Posing for 5 minutes is ROUGH. D8 WOW.
I also realized how dingey I was. REALLY dizzy.
So now I'm home.
Looked up some things. Some important, some not as much.
I need to eat some dinner.
APPARENTLY, dad and sis had Taco Bell. So... I have to forage for leftovers.
Also, need to finish that drawing from Monday...
I feel, honestly, like passing out, though. I probably need food. But I also need sleep.
Tomorrow, I gotta do Josh's NEW assignments, call housing, and see if I can get an eye appointment? For contacts? Maybe? XD I saved up money from last week, so I think I might just be able to get girlycard lenses... dunno. I need to look into it - how long, and how much it'd take... Plus, maybe convince mom to let me drive around...
I'm getting the feeling, also, that I'm going to have to fight TOOTH AND NAIL for this 'I want to live on my own' thing, and I REALLY REALLY HATE THAT. Why on EARTH they can't see that I clearly want and need this, is almost beyond me - except that they don't want to see me go. : / But I'm pulling out my hair and screaming here. I hate the drama in this house, I hate the transportation issues, I hate the distractions. I have to get out of here, I just have to. My god.
If it has to come down to it, I'll apply for loans and housing all on my own, and tell them to just accept it. It's looking like I'll have to.
This is... such a shame. I really, really don't want it to have to come down to this. They've been fine parents while I was a kid. But now that I'm an adult, and they won't LET me be one, totally anyway... I'm really really REALLY butting heads. I HATE this.
Ok, that's enough.
My LJ restraint was broken. Ah well.
If you don't hear from me much, it's me trying to get my life sorted out. And, for some reason, sleep is still fucked up and procrastination prevails. I hate myself for being this way. A LOT. I'm only hoping that after enough time doing the wrong thing and actually really thinking that it IS the wrong thing, I'll get on track and finally do it right. I certainly fuckin' hope so. Hopefully this is just a transition, and not endless patterning.
I want to run away so bad. Walking the streets alone at night was so wonderful, for just a moment. Dangerous, maybe, swaying from sleep deprivation, definitely, but the quiet in my head and the sense I was propelling myself on my own at my pace for my reasons in my way just... was nice. Not that I mind walking with people. I love talking to you guys. But it just hit me that I hadn't walked alone in so long. It was really lonely, but also felt kinda good, in a weird way... Something was bringing me to tears. Could've been anything...
Ok. Going to feed myself and try to get some work done before I pass out. Or after. Joy. T_T
Have a song I absolutely love, that's been running in my head writing this...
"I've seen what you're doing to me"
I can't take any more of any of this shit. From myself AND from my family. I just CAN'T.