Rambling
Can't sleep, thinking.
So, for a long time, I wondered why we tell stories of hate, betrayal, war, death, murder, and general conflict and mayhem. And it was kind of a short bus epiphany (good band name there), but I finally realized, or perhaps just understood, it's because we all know that humans perform best in the worst situations.
We have designed for ourselves a world where we are comfortable, or at least, comfortable enough that we don't complain too loudly. We've been taught that conflict is bad, and to be avoided. Society tells us to conform, to be comfortable and complacent. Yet at the same time, the stories we tell scream the truth to us: "Comfortable is boring."
Trouble is what makes us strong. We are untested without conflict, which we have been trained to avoid. Without it, though, we cannot achieve anything lasting, we cannot be who we aspire to be.
I never wanted to be someone who just sat on his ass and played video games because he could. I always dreamed and half-prayed for disasters. I was disappointed when Y2K didn't happen and vaguely elated when 9/11 did (the rush soon died out as it became clear that the US was just angry, not crippled).
I want a chance to prove myself. I want hell to come to earth so that I can fight it. I hate being comfortable. I see the problems with the world and I want to fight them, but I haven't gotten past the conditioning. Voting isn't enough. Protests aren't enough. Writing blogs isn't enough. But I don't know how to enact the kind of change I think might be enough. And every day I sit on my ass, letting myself be complacent because I don't have the willpower to challenge myself, then I sit up late while my girlfriend sleeps hating myself for knowing all this and not doing anything about it.
Except write.
I want to be a hero. A real hero, not the kind of cute but kind of sad "you're my hero" sort of thing you hear from friends of yours 'cause you'll put up with their shit with a bigger smile than anyone else, I want to make a change. I want what I do to be remembered. We tell the stories of heroes to remind ourselves that we too can be great. But we forget, and we're taught that we're not great, that we're drops in a sea of humanity, that no one of us can make a difference. Then of course, we look at history and see that that isn't true. But the fact is, people who are comfortable have a massive amount of inertia.
And it is by that inertia that we're all being crushed. We have lost what makes us strong, by being comfortable. We have lost what makes us alive. What makes us alive? Fear. Pain. Victory over adversity. With no threats, we cannot appreciate what we have, and so we are mediocre, lost.
There is no true shadow in our lives, and so we are heedless of the beauty of the light, and so, we sink into apathy.
I wish I had a cure.
So, for a long time, I wondered why we tell stories of hate, betrayal, war, death, murder, and general conflict and mayhem. And it was kind of a short bus epiphany (good band name there), but I finally realized, or perhaps just understood, it's because we all know that humans perform best in the worst situations.
We have designed for ourselves a world where we are comfortable, or at least, comfortable enough that we don't complain too loudly. We've been taught that conflict is bad, and to be avoided. Society tells us to conform, to be comfortable and complacent. Yet at the same time, the stories we tell scream the truth to us: "Comfortable is boring."
Trouble is what makes us strong. We are untested without conflict, which we have been trained to avoid. Without it, though, we cannot achieve anything lasting, we cannot be who we aspire to be.
I never wanted to be someone who just sat on his ass and played video games because he could. I always dreamed and half-prayed for disasters. I was disappointed when Y2K didn't happen and vaguely elated when 9/11 did (the rush soon died out as it became clear that the US was just angry, not crippled).
I want a chance to prove myself. I want hell to come to earth so that I can fight it. I hate being comfortable. I see the problems with the world and I want to fight them, but I haven't gotten past the conditioning. Voting isn't enough. Protests aren't enough. Writing blogs isn't enough. But I don't know how to enact the kind of change I think might be enough. And every day I sit on my ass, letting myself be complacent because I don't have the willpower to challenge myself, then I sit up late while my girlfriend sleeps hating myself for knowing all this and not doing anything about it.
Except write.
I want to be a hero. A real hero, not the kind of cute but kind of sad "you're my hero" sort of thing you hear from friends of yours 'cause you'll put up with their shit with a bigger smile than anyone else, I want to make a change. I want what I do to be remembered. We tell the stories of heroes to remind ourselves that we too can be great. But we forget, and we're taught that we're not great, that we're drops in a sea of humanity, that no one of us can make a difference. Then of course, we look at history and see that that isn't true. But the fact is, people who are comfortable have a massive amount of inertia.
And it is by that inertia that we're all being crushed. We have lost what makes us strong, by being comfortable. We have lost what makes us alive. What makes us alive? Fear. Pain. Victory over adversity. With no threats, we cannot appreciate what we have, and so we are mediocre, lost.
There is no true shadow in our lives, and so we are heedless of the beauty of the light, and so, we sink into apathy.
I wish I had a cure.